Bad FIL and SMIL or is it me bu?

[coffeismybestfriend]

This might get long... Sorry...

the only grandparent we have living close buy is my husbands dad and his 2nd wife. My husband has an ok relationship with his dad ( never anything too emotional but they see each other regularly) his wife is American she is 20 years younger then him and got together with him when my husband was early teens and she was 20 . There where a lot of issues that they never resolved or spoke about. His father always put his wife 1st in front of his own children. SMIL never wanted kids of her own. Since we have had 3 kids she was really weird and refused to hold the kids until they whee about 1, refused to look after them until they " could be reasoned with" ( about 2 1/2) but the last two years they've seen them more regularly ( every Wednesday afternoon, unless they can't which has been about 50 percent of the time last minute cancellation) so a week after we returned from summer holidays my husband mentioned that his dad complained they never see us.. so I thought ohh shit their PO because I haven texted them since we got back. So I sent the wife a text saying we're back and would they like to start seeing the kids regularly on Wednesdays again.... so the response I got was:
That they Are far too busy to have the kids regularly now ( they are retired) and that anyhow they will only take one or two at the time as they feel having all tree is too much ( they often complain about their behaviour but nobody els does...) ... she will let me know ( last minute) when they want them...
so I didn't like this message so I didn't respond.. instead I spoke to my mum and my husbands mum ( who I love) who both agreed this was ridiculous. Then I spoke to my sil ( who liked to stir it) and she told her father I was PO. After this they haven't called, texted, nothing about seeing the kids. A I b u to just not contact them and think if they can't be bothered and my kids are such a choir for them my kids are better of not seeing them..? Or should I be making an effort for the sake of my children?

Ok so maybe IABU, I don't know...
but to explain the relationship a bit more.i don't have any problem with FL, he's reasonable although he never stands up to his wife. His wife is awful. She's always got something rude/ mean to say to dh, sil and sometimes me every single time we meet.. nobody ever says anything back.. it's always been like this... there are loads of issues in her relationship with dh and sil that goes back years... but I'm kinda fed up of pretending it's ok Im not the one who initiated the Wednesdays it was them! And at first it seemed fine, they where nice, happy and it was helpful for me! Then a few last times this spring I saw how they told my oldest he was always naughty before he'd done anything and sort of favoured my daughter putting him down a bit like she does with dh. He was upset and ofc became what was expected of him. ( normally he is the easiest one) My husband worked pretty much day and night the last year and doesn't want to spend time with them either when he has a day of... 3 kids can be a handful for sure. But there are 3 of them. And I'm guessing the one they'd take of from the visiting day would be my oldest. What would I say exactly to the one they didn't want to see?
I know a lot of people are saying I shouldn't be expecting them to look after my kids, but why should I be expected to organise and spend time with them just so that they can see them regularly surely it's also their responsibility to make an effort if they want a relationship with there grandchildren? Do my kids really benefit from having a relationship with grandparents who can't be bothered? My kids are 8, 5 and 3 if that's relevant.

You are surprised by the responses because you think that you have some sort of right to childcare from grandparents. This issue is the very epitome of being "entitled". It gets bandied about a lot but effectively you can't see how wrong you are because you are just so entitled.

Grandparents can choose to grandparent how they please, from no contact, to exchanging photos and card, to occasional visits to the whole family, to full time childminding arrangements. Sounds like this set would like to see your DH and the children together now and again for a family visit. Nothing wrong with that. Except when you try to make it into a regular childminding session that they haven't really signed up to.

If you want the kids to be cared for once a week, enter into an arrangement with someone who does this for a living e.g. Get a childminder. Let the grandparents develop their relationship with occasional visits with no expectations.

I'm glad you're not my DiL!

I struggle to cope with more than two of my DGC at a time and I'm used to children!

And to just assume they'll babysit is beyond rude.

Your DH can visit with them sometimes and you can go off and do what you want. Then you won't have to mix with 'those' people.

OP: AIBU?
MN: Yes!
OP: Wait but let me dripfeed how awful they are so you all change your mind and feel sorry for me

Why do you keep trying to pretend they can't be bothered with your children because they won't babysit all three at once?

Well, sounds like you don't like them/her very much. Why so bothered then about whether they spend time with your children?

TBH it does just sound like you are different people with different expectations. Which is only really a problem if you try to thrust your expectations on them.

Wow it's sooo you OP!

That just about sums it up Ginger

My kids are 8, 5 and 3 if that's relevant.

A bloody hard mix afaic.

The middle one will play with either, but the two at either end won't. Nightmare to keep them all entertained when your house isn't set up for it. What do you expect them to do there?

OP you're getting a hard time here and I think it's because in most families this is how kids have a relationship with grandparents:

• the grandparents are invited to the parents house for Sunday lunch and either play with the kids at home or go to a nearby park
• everyone goes to an attraction together for the day like the zoo or a museum
• grandparents come over for the kids birthdays or everyone meets up at other family birthdays
• meet up over Xmas or Easter

I'm sure I'm missing some and there are extra arrangements like regular babysitting or grandparents OFFERING to take all kids or one of them out for a treat day or eventually overnight visits.

What do you do when you take the kids to your mum's? Is it something a bit like this?

People are giving you a hard time because you seem to be saying either:

• grandparents are too vile for me to spend time with, and yet I'll send the kids to them

Or

• grandparents are fine but I don't like them much and can't be bothered to put in effort.

So what's really going on? Why don't you want to spend time with them all together as a family? What do the GPs do that makes you feel like this?

why should I be expected to organise and spend time with them just so that they can see them regularly...

Who says you are expected to do this? Hardly sounds like they're battering down your door.

Is this not an issue between your DH and your fil?

Maybe she doesn't see herself as a grandparent. Maybe she just doesn't want to do it. That's up to her though and doesn't make her a bad person.

I'd love to hear the other side of the story.

My DH is a lot older than me and his kids have never liked me because I'm a lot younger. I feel judged by them all the time. DSD likes to stir things up and DSS doesn't want anything to do with me. DSS is now married and his wife is constantly trying to get me to babysit 3 kids when I don't want to. I've offered to have them individually but this doesn't go down too well. When I make my feelings known sDiL goes running to DSD and my DHs ex telling them she's pissed off because I won't provide child care. Seems I'm good enough to be a baby sitter but not to spend time with. I'm done with these entitled step kids, DH can just deal with them!

Okay I cross posted with your explanation. It sounds like you don't like your SMIL because she tells your 8 year old boy he is naughty - although you acknowledge he has "become what was said of him" She also favours your 5 year old daughter.

Is it possible that she just finds children very difficult to relate to and your oldest boy is boisterous and your daughter easier?

I think you just haven't realised that this isn't how most people do it.

As a grandparent, having a relationship with your grandchildren doesn't mean looking after them and having full parental responsibility for them when you see them. It means spending time with them without that pressure. Because they have done their bit in terms of raising their own kids, however badly it was done.

I'm disappointed that a mum would prefer to send her kids round on their own on a weekly basis to people she knows aren't treating them very well, when she could be making it easier for the children by being there herself. If you're concerned that they're not being pleasant to your eldest and you don't think they're 'nice', why on earth do you think you can put aside your responsibilities as a mum and put your children through that without you? I don't get that at all. It's quite selfish really.

I know that many grandparents are more involved and keen to do childcare but it's not a requirement, really it's not. Whatever your mum might like to do isn't the point - 'these people' can't cope with it.

If you really want to foster a relationship, you will make the effort to go around there as a family for an hour or two at least once a month. Otherwise, expecting the very fragile present relationship to bear the weight of weekly babysitting (when they feel it's beyond them and aren't doing it well) is unrealistic.

" I saw how they told my oldest he was always naughty before he'd done anything and sort of favoured my daughter putting him down a bit like she does with dh."

If you don't like the way the kids are treated, why would you be asking when they want to start the arrangement again??

If you find them difficult, don't visit every time that your husband does.

Or, if he finds her difficult, go along to support him.

became what was expected of him

So your kid is naughty. And this is your FIL and SMILs fault?

So what days do your MIL and DM mind them?

I once in a moment of madness agreed to collect my DGS from school on two set days for my DD. Before that had only ever seen him during their visits to us or if I visited them etc. which was regular so iows I wasn't seeing him for any childcare purposes or on a set day/time.
I was retired to look after elderly parents at the time so no work commitments etc so I was the obvious choice to do this when DD was really stuck on these two days. We nearly ended up falling out because I live a good few miles away so had to drive and so regularly got involved in the mayhem that is school run time in the vicinity of a school and found it extremely stressful and the aggression and arguments involved unbelievable (I used to walk my kids to school plus it was thirty years ago so had no idea how bad it was these days but that's a whole other thread). Plus if I was late from being held up (re: above mentioned) and/or my DPs deciding to have their own crisis as I was about to leave for my 'school run' then my DD would get hassle from the school and be moaning at me and so on and so forth. So I gradually got more and more to hate doing this and more than a tad resentful I must admit. After one particularly bad day when had a ding dong with a PCSO on a bike I ended up in tears and rang my DD and said I wasn't doing it after that week. She pulled up at drivers side of my car when I was stopped for lollipop lady and shouted at me I couldn't stop there and insisted I move. I asked her if she was telling me to mow down the new wave of DCs now crossing the roadthat she hadn't seen, silly cow (she was really annoyed because my DGS had spotted me and was getting in the car meaning I didn't have to find somewhere to park) .
The point I'm making is it's very different committing yourself to looking after your DGCs on set days/at set times then just spending time with them or having them visit you - very different ime.

OP, try the Stately Homes thread. You will find people are a lot more understanding of your situation there. I get where you're coming from, having been there myself, and we are now NC with in-laws. It is very hard to explain the negativity and put-downs, but I've been there, and it is hugely damaging. Seriously, try discussing it there and you will get more understanding.

and your SMIL obviously doesn't much like children. So not surprising that she doesn't want to hold them as babies

To be fair, it may not be that she doesn't like them - just that she is nervous of holding little babies. One of my friends, who never wanted children, has never babysat for me - and didn't really like picking them up.
She loves them and is lovely with them, but would find it a huge responsibility to keep them safe were she on her own with them, as she has no experience with toddlers and doesn't know how to deal with them.
She says she would be gutted if one of them hurt themselves under her care.
Sounds to me like the SMIL feels the same, especially since she didn't want to look after them until she could 'reason with them' It seems pretty clear to me.

It is so hard when they are not really interested in DGC.

Eh, have you missed the bit about the fact that they have the DGC for 3 hours free childcare every week?

OP you have 3 dc under 8. I'm not surprised that 2 people of retirement age feel it is too much to have them at the same time.

Over It could be that or it could be that she doesn't find babies particularly appealing or interesting. I am 46 and have never held a baby. When offered the chance I say that I'm frightened of dropping the baby but it's not that at all - I just don't really want to have to.

looking after them without their parents I meant to say there.

If they're that horrible why do you want to leave your children there at all?