Bad FIL and SMIL or is it me bu?

[coffeismybestfriend]

This might get long... Sorry...

the only grandparent we have living close buy is my husbands dad and his 2nd wife. My husband has an ok relationship with his dad ( never anything too emotional but they see each other regularly) his wife is American she is 20 years younger then him and got together with him when my husband was early teens and she was 20 . There where a lot of issues that they never resolved or spoke about. His father always put his wife 1st in front of his own children. SMIL never wanted kids of her own. Since we have had 3 kids she was really weird and refused to hold the kids until they whee about 1, refused to look after them until they " could be reasoned with" ( about 2 1/2) but the last two years they've seen them more regularly ( every Wednesday afternoon, unless they can't which has been about 50 percent of the time last minute cancellation) so a week after we returned from summer holidays my husband mentioned that his dad complained they never see us.. so I thought ohh shit their PO because I haven texted them since we got back. So I sent the wife a text saying we're back and would they like to start seeing the kids regularly on Wednesdays again.... so the response I got was:
That they Are far too busy to have the kids regularly now ( they are retired) and that anyhow they will only take one or two at the time as they feel having all tree is too much ( they often complain about their behaviour but nobody els does...) ... she will let me know ( last minute) when they want them...
so I didn't like this message so I didn't respond.. instead I spoke to my mum and my husbands mum ( who I love) who both agreed this was ridiculous. Then I spoke to my sil ( who liked to stir it) and she told her father I was PO. After this they haven't called, texted, nothing about seeing the kids. A I b u to just not contact them and think if they can't be bothered and my kids are such a choir for them my kids are better of not seeing them..? Or should I be making an effort for the sake of my children?

SMIL never wanted kids of her own. Since we have had 3 kids she was really weird and refused to hold the kids until they whee about 1, refused to look after them until they " could be reasoned with"

I can't make a judgment on whether she's an awful person or not based on what you've posted here, but I don't think the above is necessarily unreasonable or unusual for someone who has never had kids. Before I had my own I was terrified of holding babies, felt really awkward about trying to make conversation with a toddler. It was just because I had no experience of them and would have had no idea how to change a nappy, defuse an upset child etc. So on that score I have a bit of sympathy for her

It's perfectly possible to have a relationship with the children in your family without ever having babysat them, by the way.

"I should not be able to expect anything from them?"

No. YABU. They don't need to look after their grandchildren alone in order to have a relationship with them and if they don't want to, that wish should be respected.

YABU. My parents haven't looked after my kids ever and show no interest in doing so. Sounds like you overdid it with the regular arrangement and they are escaping while they can! And yes, three at once is a handful!

It's you. Don't dump your kids on people that you can't stand - and your SMIL obviously doesn't much like children. So not surprising that she doesn't want to hold them as babies

Would you have got the same response if you had texted FIL instead of SMIL?

I have been in a VERY similar situation to this, and so I would say YANBU. It is so hard when they are not really interested in DGC. I can't elaborate too much for fear of outing myself, but wanted to give you some support!

and just because your DM and DMIL want to spend time with the kids doesn't mean they do

Putting aside the strange childcare obligation that you seem to be forcing on them, you intentionally told your SIL you were pissed off knowing that she likes to stir things up?

Its you that's the stirrer OP, not your SIL.

And it you that's being unreasonable, not them (or "these people" to use your choice of words).

(Okay sorry for the long post but) Break it down:

his dad complained they never see us - sounds like he wants to see the whole family, not just the kids and is making an effort to keep in contact.

SMIL never wanted kids of her own. Since we have had 3 kids she was really weird and refused to hold the kids until they whee about 1, refused to look after them until they " could be reasoned with" - Sounds like she doesn't want kids and she isn't comfortable around them, that's fair. A lot of people are like that, as long as she's not mean to them which I doubt she is if you're letting her babysit.

they Are far too busy to have the kids regularly now ( they are retired) - Since when does being retired mean you have nothing to do and are therefore free for childcare whenever??

will only take one or two at the time as they feel having all tree is too much ( they often complain about their behaviour but nobody els does...) -You said the kids don't go there often so maybe they don't behave as well there because they don't know those GPs as well as the others. Its very common for children.

my kids are such a choir for them -TBH I'd see looking after three kids a chore if it was every bloody week.

these people -

I should not be able to expect anything from them -Short Answer = No.

Also I would be fucked off if I was FIL, having his own daughter - who you said yourself likes to stir - was telling me you were pissed off, I would also assume she had told him that you had spoken not only to your mum but her mum, his ex wife.

Wow I'm surprised actually...
they do complain when they don't see them as well... but why should I have to take them around and spend time with people I don't like.. ( I promise they are not nice people) id much rather just not have to do anything with them. I really don't need the " child care" they provided it was 3 h every 2 weeks as they cancelled so much. They put my oldest down a lot too and he didn't even wha t to go a few times.
I don't need them to look after the kids, but I don't want to spend time with them. So I just want to not contact them at all and let them contact me ( or my husband) if they want to see the kids.

So I just want to not contact them at all and let them contact me ( or my husband) if they want to see the kids

They did speak to your DH and complain about not seeing them.

They don't want to babysit. There is nothing wrong with that.

You deliberately went to SIL to stir it all further.

Bloody hell, OP - not nice people? Then firstly, stop relying on them for favours and secondly, why would you want to leave your kids with them?

I'm sure they will contact you or your DH if they want to see the kids. But that doesn't mean they need to babysit them on a weekly basis.

They don't have to want to look after all three of your children if they don't want to. It doesn't mean they don't want a relationship with them. What will you say to your kids as they get older? That FIL & SMIL didn't want to babysit you on Wednesdays so we stopped contacting them?

Personally, I'd facilitate an outing to the park/zoo etc with you, DH and them, or invite them over for an hour or so. If they still don't want to see the children, then fine, but you need to try more than only offering a weekly babysitting option of all the children together or nothing.

Maybe there's more to it, but your OP does sound unreasonable.

Yabu. You don't want them to have a relationship with their gc, you want childcare.
When they said that they couldn't have all of the kids on the one day, (which is fair enough!) you've pulled a strop because you've lost the childcare.
What's with all the faces?
So what if dh's father got with her when she was 20?
What's that got to do with anything??

Why should they do you the favour if you don't even like them though? If they aren't nice then why would you consider leaving your DC with them?

So I just want to not contact them at all and let them contact me ( or my husband) if they want to see the kids.

You just complained in your OP she will let me know when they want them. So what do you want?

You seem very black and white about this. Either you leave the kids with them, or no contact. I get that you don't get along that well, but sometimes spending time with people you aren't a huge fan of is life. If you feel it's important for your kids to have a relationship with them, you have to suck it up.

That was a you plural, I'm also wondering why you are the one running round organising this? Get your husband to take the kids to his dad's place and hang out for a bit. They don't have to provide childcare, you don't have to spend time with them, relationship is maintained. Win win

If they're not nice, then don't contact them and don't offer a babysitting option where they can be nasty to your children without you there. If they complain then tell the truth or make arrangements to visit with them somewhere so you can supervise the interactions.

Op, it's not fil and smil that sound like horrible people.
but why should I have to take them around and spend time with people I don't like.. ( I promise they are not nice people)
Yes yabu.
Why ask and then be surprised that people say yabu?

Its really not fair to expect someone who is uncomfortable around kids (and may have some very good reasons for that) to babysut 3 children at the same time. I love kids but had a friend who used to expect me to babysit all three of hers whenever she wanted, it was too stressful and I had to put a stop to it.

Any reason your DH can't take the children over for a couple of hours at the weekend? I alsp don't understand why it is a problem for them to just have one to two of the kids at a time?

But yabu by calling them "not nice people" but on the other hand wanting them to be unpaid childcare

YABU. No one likes to be put upon for free childcare certainly not 3 children! Especially when they're not good with children, especially regularly!

My mum wouldn't look after my children (I don't have any but if I did) on a regular basis and even if she did it'd be 1 day at most. Same goes for most of her friends.

A close family friend's DD expects her dad and SMIL to come down to the coast where they from London and babysit or childmind their 2 DDs regularly. Gets pissed off when they don't do it, but they stay firm. SMIL is ok with kids but has never had her own so finds children challenging.

Stop using them!!!

You sound delightful.

Fwiw my ILs are perfectly lovely and have a max of one of my three round at a time. This is about once a month for a day so they can spoil them. All three are too much for them.

Text them. Let DH know when you want to see the kids. Tell your DH you don't want the see your FIL & SMIL and he has to deal with them.

Then I hope you feel U and guilty for being rude and unpleasant about and to your DH's father. Your DCs grandfather. Unless there is a massive backstory and the really are the devil incarnate. not just people who don't want to provide free childcare and to be tied down to weekly appointments

You may not "like" them, but I am with PP - sometimes you just have to suck it up and paste on the family smile.