Bad FIL and SMIL or is it me bu?

[coffeismybestfriend]

This might get long... Sorry...

the only grandparent we have living close buy is my husbands dad and his 2nd wife. My husband has an ok relationship with his dad ( never anything too emotional but they see each other regularly) his wife is American she is 20 years younger then him and got together with him when my husband was early teens and she was 20 . There where a lot of issues that they never resolved or spoke about. His father always put his wife 1st in front of his own children. SMIL never wanted kids of her own. Since we have had 3 kids she was really weird and refused to hold the kids until they whee about 1, refused to look after them until they " could be reasoned with" ( about 2 1/2) but the last two years they've seen them more regularly ( every Wednesday afternoon, unless they can't which has been about 50 percent of the time last minute cancellation) so a week after we returned from summer holidays my husband mentioned that his dad complained they never see us.. so I thought ohh shit their PO because I haven texted them since we got back. So I sent the wife a text saying we're back and would they like to start seeing the kids regularly on Wednesdays again.... so the response I got was:
That they Are far too busy to have the kids regularly now ( they are retired) and that anyhow they will only take one or two at the time as they feel having all tree is too much ( they often complain about their behaviour but nobody els does...) ... she will let me know ( last minute) when they want them...
so I didn't like this message so I didn't respond.. instead I spoke to my mum and my husbands mum ( who I love) who both agreed this was ridiculous. Then I spoke to my sil ( who liked to stir it) and she told her father I was PO. After this they haven't called, texted, nothing about seeing the kids. A I b u to just not contact them and think if they can't be bothered and my kids are such a choir for them my kids are better of not seeing them..? Or should I be making an effort for the sake of my children?

What's "not nice" about them? I can sort of see it from your perspective having grown up with a grandma who basically rejected me and my siblings (but loved our cousins), but I don't understand why you'd want to leave your children with people you say aren't nice?

Yabvu for all the reasons already stated

If they aren't nice people why would you even want to leave your dc there?

Genuine question op-I'm not being belligerent.

why should I have to take them around and spend time with people I don't like.. ( I promise they are not nice people) id much rather just not have to do anything with them. I really don't need the " child care" they provided it was 3 h every 2 weeks as they cancelled so much. They put my oldest down a lot too and he didn't even wha t to go a few times

So OP, you are happy to leave your children with not nice people despite them putting your oldest DS down and him not wanting to go? YABVU and really odd.

You don't like these people. SMIL doesn't even like children. Make arrangements to see the ILs occasionally with all of you or DH + DCs there.
Don't make it three hours. Make it a quick coffee or something. Don't leave your DCs there for hours. It is too much for the DC and the ILs.

Well yes I don't really want to spend the afternoon with these people so if they want a relationship with there grandchildren they should see them on there own..?

Personally I think this is really off. The usual thing is that a parent will take their kids to see their own parents. If your parents or in laws piss you off but are basically harmless well suck it up for your kids. By taking them yourself you also maintain control so if they overstep the mark you can remove your kids from the situation. This protects your kids from any random crap your parents or in laws may come out with. A lot of people have at least one parent who can be a twat sometimes, hell most of us can be a twat sometimes.

If you never ever visit them but just send the kids to them every week I can see why they are fucked off. Does your mum know you NEVER visit yourself but just ship the kids out? It sends the message that you hate them, they aren't worthy of your time but they are fine when you need something (eg babysitting) I'm sorry but I wouldn't want a relationship where I was asked repeatedly to look after that persons kids but they themselves wouldn't even give me the time of day. It wouldn't matter who they are it's disrespectful and just plain nasty.

Also if you think they are "really nasty people" why would you force your kids to spend time with them when you won't yourself? How is that fair on anyone? If your in laws are utterly vile and a terrible influence then why see them at all?

I think you need to make a choice to either suck it up and properly visit as a family (or at least your DH take the kids) or you need to just cut contact.

I should not be able to expect anything from them?

No, you shouldn't. FiL has done his child caring, SMiL has always made it clear she doesn't want to, which she is fully entitled to do.

I don't feel like it's my duty to make sure they get a relationship with their grandchildren if they can't make any effort?

But they're not saying they can't make any effort, are they? You seem to assume that the only way grandparents can have a relationship with their grandchildren is if they look after them on their own, which definitely isn't the model that happens in most families.

What concerns me is that you may be depriving your children of the chance to have a relationship with their grandparents. Think about facilitating this if only for their sakes.

Why would a woman who has expressed a preference for not having her own children, obviously feels uncomfortable about very young children and is happy enjoying her retirement with her husband want to take all 3 of your misbehaved children on a regular basis.

She has compromised saying that they can have fewer than 3 at a time.

FIL wants to see his family but that includes your DH and you not just a babysitting service for you.

You ask AIBU but when you are told YABU you say No I'm not.

Why on earth would you be going round the rest of the family bad mouthing them?

Not sure why everyone's banging on about op just wanting free childcare when she has clarified that she doesn't want or need the childcare and only does it do the kids can see their grandparents.
So many women on MN and IRL who are prepared to be martyrs and spend time with odious in laws. OP has tried to do the right thing as far as I can see?
OP - I would step back, let your DH deal with visits if he's bothered about it. If they want to see the kids, they'll work it out between themselves. Don't talk to the SIL, her loyalties don't lie with you, and it causes more drama.

By the way lots of grandparents cant cope with 3 kids at once, all grandparents my kids have would only take all 3 at once if it was an emergency or they were babysitting late at night when kids were asleep as it's just too much for them.

I'm guessing your Mum and MIL just nod along with you and they are probably grateful that they don't live as close as FIL and SMIL.

No idea why you and the SMIL are doing all the communicating, let your dh sort it with them. It's not your sole responsibility to maintain the dc relationship with their gps just because you are the mum. Let the other adults in this equation do some of the heavy lifting.

You're getting a hard time on here OP. I must've missed a hidden meaning in the your first post. As I see it:
You'd like your inlaws to want to have a relationship with your DC and not see it as a chore.
You're not prepared to put up with them dictating how many DC they have at a time and when.
You're not prepared to have their terms and conditions imposed on you.
If that's true then YADNBU. Sounds like your DC aren't gaining anything from a continuing on/off relationship with their grandchildren at the moment so just drop it. They're your children first and foremost.
Maybe visits can resume when the DC are older and want to spend time with the GPs and the GPs stop being so precious about it.

What does your husband think about this?

If he sees his dad regularly, is that with or without the kids?

If it's with the kids then perhaps that's enough?

If they are looking after the kids, of course it should be on their terms.

*Not sure why everyone's banging on about op just wanting free childcare when she has clarified that she doesn't want or need the childcare and only does it do the kids can see their grandparents.
So many women on MN and IRL who are prepared to be martyrs and spend time with odious in laws. OP has tried to do the right thing as far as I can see? *

Can't you see that it doesn't matter if the OP says she "doesn't need free childcare" Her ACTIONS suggest she hates them so much she will not visit them by herself at all, not even for a quick coffee from what I can see and from the sounds of it neither will her husband but yet she is ASKING them to take all 3 children (seemingly every week in the past) saying that "it's for theirs and the childrens benefit." It reeks of I can't be arsed with you but you are fine to be free babysitters.

When they have said they can't cope with all 3 for so long every week but will instead take less kids less often she has had a shit fit. How does this not come across as her only wanting them to have all 3 kids on her terms?

I also don't call visiting my inlaws being a martyr I call it being a fucking decent human being and showing some respect to the people who brought up my DH.

Also, what do the kids think?

If Ils want to make an arrangement last minute & it doesn't suit, then it doesn't happen!

I'm just astonished that so many men are so rubbish at just being part of their OWN FAMILY. No way would I run around after my DH doing his family's stuff for him, just like I wouldn't expect him to do mine. Obviously we help each other out with it from time to time, but grown men don't need someone else to liaise with their parents!

It's not about intentions it about understanding how your ACTIONS come accross to others. If you want your kids to have a relationship with them then at the very least your DH should be visiting WITH them.

YABU.

Not everyone likes or wants to deal with kids so your SMIL is perfectly entitled to her decisions. The backstory didn't really matter to the current situation IMO anyway.

Them wanting to see the kids doesn't mean they're happy to provide free childcare. If you don't want to spend time with them, send you DH over with the kids and then you get the best of both worlds.

I never expected any of the GPS to look after my kids when we saw them (or when we'll see them in the future). We ask politely but never expect a yes...well, we know them well enough to know they'll say yes as long as there's no clash of dates but wouldn't throw a tantrum and refuse to see them if they couldn't babysit for a few hours.

If you don't want to stay for the visit make your DH do it. If that doesn't work for your family then suck it up buttercup and get used to hanging out with those people

You'd like your inlaws to want to have a relationship with your DC and not see it as a chore.

Sorry llangennith but I would see looking after the 3 kids of a person who doesn't like me and can't even bare to sit and have a cuppa with me as a chore. Also you say they're imposing conditions but the OP is imposing that they have to either look after the kids alone or not see them at all??

Ur in laws are your husbands parents not your children's they shouldn't be expected to look after your children regardless.
Its great that your parents like to help with the kids and of course would be great if both Fil or smil were the same but it's not their obligation.
I think you are bu if you want your children to have a relationship with fil and smil then surely you need to endure their company .

You're not prepared to put up with them dictating how many DC they have at a time and when...

Why the hell not? It's up to them how many kids they are prepared to have at once and it is definitely up to them when! 'Dictating' implies it's not up to them. Obviously the OP is within her rights to say no but she can't expect to tell her in-laws what they will be doing with their own time.

OP has tried to do the right thing as far as I can see?

What by saying the only time they can see then is a Wednesday afternoon and on their own....