Bad FIL and SMIL or is it me bu?

[coffeismybestfriend]

This might get long... Sorry...

the only grandparent we have living close buy is my husbands dad and his 2nd wife. My husband has an ok relationship with his dad ( never anything too emotional but they see each other regularly) his wife is American she is 20 years younger then him and got together with him when my husband was early teens and she was 20 . There where a lot of issues that they never resolved or spoke about. His father always put his wife 1st in front of his own children. SMIL never wanted kids of her own. Since we have had 3 kids she was really weird and refused to hold the kids until they whee about 1, refused to look after them until they " could be reasoned with" ( about 2 1/2) but the last two years they've seen them more regularly ( every Wednesday afternoon, unless they can't which has been about 50 percent of the time last minute cancellation) so a week after we returned from summer holidays my husband mentioned that his dad complained they never see us.. so I thought ohh shit their PO because I haven texted them since we got back. So I sent the wife a text saying we're back and would they like to start seeing the kids regularly on Wednesdays again.... so the response I got was:
That they Are far too busy to have the kids regularly now ( they are retired) and that anyhow they will only take one or two at the time as they feel having all tree is too much ( they often complain about their behaviour but nobody els does...) ... she will let me know ( last minute) when they want them...
so I didn't like this message so I didn't respond.. instead I spoke to my mum and my husbands mum ( who I love) who both agreed this was ridiculous. Then I spoke to my sil ( who liked to stir it) and she told her father I was PO. After this they haven't called, texted, nothing about seeing the kids. A I b u to just not contact them and think if they can't be bothered and my kids are such a choir for them my kids are better of not seeing them..? Or should I be making an effort for the sake of my children?

So basically what you are saying is I need to rearrange my life and make huge efforts to make sure they get to see there gc on there terms without inconveniencing them, I need to suggest all contact and arrange after there preference without e ever expecting any help or effort from them in return. Or I am just a complete bitch?

You are giving them 2 bizarre choices to choose from op.

1. take our kids weekly and look after them on their own without us there.

2. do not see our kids at all

Would you impose these weird rules on the other wonderful 3 sets of grandparents?

I give up

I can totally see their point

As I said before they were perfectly welcome to come to my house and see the gc as well.

You don't need to rearrange your life, no. Since you find your IL's unpleasant to the point of wanting to actively avoid them, its up to your DH to facilitate contact.
But everyone else is right, "contact" between GP's and GC doesn't mean them having them on their own usually. It means being invited around for a meal and then staying on for a while to hang out with all of you, including the kids, or vice versa at their place. Or meeting up somewhere.

Well as Iv said many times it was their choice to have the kids on their own most of the time rather than come buy. I have not forced them to look after my kids I wasn't even the one who suggested it. iT WAS THEM.

Going over to see parents for an hour once a month isn't a huge effort. Most people feel they do owe their parents something, you know, and are happy to support their partner in doing that.

Also, you wouldn't be doing them a favour going to see them. It's called having a relationship.

I understand that they're not very likeable and this should really be your dh's problem to sort out, but you don't sound like your attitude is one I'd want to be around.

I think that you should leave it. Let your DH deal with his father and SMIL, and don't you worry about contacting them again, as you don't like them.

TBH, I don't really know why you think that your children get any benefit from a relationship with them - do they enjoy their time with FIL and SMIL? If they do, then your DH should do something about facilitating continuing contact; but if your DC really don't get anything from them, and they don't enjoy seeing your DC, then really, what is the point?

But - leave it up to your DH to sort it now.

Hmm. You are BU and also NBU.

I think they had a Nice Idea about having he kids but then maybe realised it wasn't a bowl of cherries!

Seeing the kids isn't about literally just eyeballing them as they run around your house, it's talking to their primary carer as well. As in 'ooh Nelly, show Grandad your new dance' 'little Barry, show Grandma you counting in Spanish' 'tell Nanny what you tried for lunch yesterday'
'Shall we show Grandad abc etc'
Kids won't necessarily volunteer the kind of info that families are actually interested in. It's this kind of stuff that builds true relationships. You or DH when he can, need to be the ones doing this with them unfortunately.
I do sympathise, my own DM wouldn't need this aspect, she just grabs and goes, whereas MIL is most catarse faced if she is in her own with them all for more than an hour or so.
Take into consideration that DSIL just may not be fond of kids in general too so this is even more 'well fuck this, we'll just go out for the day'

I think you sound like a reasonable person, but I don't think you are looking at the bigger picture here.

Tbh I think your all BU.
You cant expect free childcare and you cant expect them to want to look after 3 dcs on their own. Because, yes for someone who has NEVER had chiuldren of her own (and never wanted one!), it will very very hard work.
I know that before having children myceld, I would never have looked after children because I would have had no idea of what to do etc...
So the bottom line is that your SMIL probably doesnt enjoy being with the dcs, even if you do and your parents do iyswim.
You will have to accomodate the way they see the dcs to what they feel they can do.

But on the other side, cancelling at the last minute, putting children down is just not on. They cannot expect you to drop everything 'just because they happen to be free'. Esp not at the last minute. They sound quite hard work on that pov.

Finally, they are your DH family. I think he should be sorting it out, not you. If he wants to have a relationship with his dad, to see his dcs have a relationship with his dad, then really its up to him to do something about it. And yes it might mean organising something on his day off.
But before that, you need to talk together and decide if that relationhsip is that important to you or not, if its important to HIM too.

The thing is you dont know what has happened behind doors.
Your FIL might have wanted to see the 3 dcs but she might hjave been keen. She might haver found that, as they growing up, all sorts of issues are coming up and she doesnt want to deal with them (remember she never wanted dc herself!)
In effect all sorts of issues that came upp as they started to look after them and they she? realised it wasn't that easy after all, esp when you dont know how to deal with children anyway.

So I suspect that yes they your FIL? want to see your dcs, they proposed to come over every week but that isnt working for them anymore.

The problem of course is that they haven't said what isn't working so you cant make it easier for them and you....

I think a lot of people are missing the point that you weren't the one who initiated the weekly arrangement, and your text was not a demand for free childcare bu an inquiry as to whether they wanted to re-instate that arrangement.
I do think you're being unreasonable to be so offended that they don't want to commit to this regular arrangement to look after all three dcs, it's not a slight on your children.
However, it was your dh's responsibility to act when his father contacted him, and I would take a big step back and let him deal with his own family.
I disagree with some posters that it's your responsibility to facilitate the relationship. With three young children and a husband working crazy hours, I'm sure your life is pretty full on already.
Take a deep breath, forget the drama, and let your dh worry about it.

I do wonder a lot on here about people who cut contact with their IL's. They are your husbands parents. Nobody has a perfect relationship but it would hurt me massively if my DP refused to have contact with my
parents and would cause a huge schism within the family. (Disclaimer. I don't mean people with truly abusive IL's)

op I think going forward I'd just leave contact to your Dh. They don't sound like nice folk any way and I'd be getting pisssd off if they were slagging my kids off.

If they complain they don't see them enough then tough. I'd just say 'well you know where we live' but I'd just make sure that you was out when they wanted to come and your Dh was in so they could deal with them.

I think I get where your coming from in regards to previous contact as it was what they initiated but I'd just scrap thst now as its not what they want any more and why send your kids of all they do is moan about them?

I would even bother ringing them up to smooth it out.

Have some and a and forget about them.

I think I agree with ThumbWitch.

From reading through the start and end of the thread, it is an awkward situation with various conflicts in the way of keeping everyone happy.

They want to see your family, but under fairly tight criteria. You've had mixed messages about them wanting to see your family more, but they have been unreliable when you tried to create a solution.

It is DH's family. He has little time to invest in them. You don't particularly like them and want to spend little time with them. From your family experience, you want the DCs to have a relationship with their GPs. Leaving the DCs with them appeared to be the best of both worlds.

I'd step back. Suggest meeting as a whole family on a less frequent basis. Arrangements are more likely to come to fruition. DH needs to be involved- it is his family. If the GPs are still unhappy then that is unreasonable on their part.

Why not just say you'd like your kids to see their GPs regularly, and ask them how best to continue seeing the kids? My guess is that they resent the open and free relationship you have with FMiL, and don't feel you really want them for anything more than weekly childcare.

It is possible that your step mum couldn't have children so therefore finds babies upsetting. Then the toddler age is exhausting. Just because others can deal with all three at once (who have also had children of their own) doesn't mean she can

Another poster was right, it does sound like you're spoilt and you've thrown you're a strop because you haven't gotten your way.
They're so bad because they want to see all their family and not babysit, yes how horrible
You're determined to think that because they don't want to take all kids on day that they don't want a relationship with their gc
Just because you don't think they're frail does not mean they're not exhausted! Maybe they're too tired to cope with 3 kids! People younger struggle to cope with 3!(or less!)
None of what you've written makes it look like they don't want a relationship with their gc, they just can't cope with all on one day.
I don't know why you hate the smil
Apart from her not wanting kids and being so much younger that fil, but the kids love their gp.
Just because they have other gp, does not mean they shouldn't have a relationship with these.

STMIL is childless buy choice, fil had " the snip" years ago. Her choice.

I would really love to hear SMIL's side to this story, I feel so sorry for her. I hope she wanders in here and reads the replies so she knows she has the support of most of the posters on this thread.

You said initially that when you weren't happy with the text you got from SMIL when she suggested not having all three kids at one time you ignored her and wouldn't reply to her. Instead went round 3 females with your story, knowing one would take it back to her.

Now pages later you are telling us that you just don't understand this passive aggressive relationship...what a laugh. I know someone VERY like you and most people don't fall for her shit either.

Everyone is getting very hung up on me " demanding free childcare " from these poor grandparents.

But I have never asked them to look after my kids regularly it was their choice, their idea, what suited them best. And to be honest was more a pain than helpful for me.

I don't even know if they rather want to see the gc with us parents, they have never expressed any wish of doing this or said that they would prefer this.... all though almost everyone answering my post seems to be sure this is what they want? Why?

I was upset buy the tone in her message witch I interpreted as them not really giving a crap if they see the kids or not and picking and choosing which of my kids they Se.

And I was asking if I W B U R to not make any effort after receiving this message buy basically not suggesting/ asking if they want to see them ( on their own or not I don't really care) and just not accept any last minute demands to see them or keeping specific days free of play dates for them that they will end up cancelled half the time anyway.

You say they don't give a crap about seeing them but clearly they do because they're asking after the kids about not seeing them for a while! Clearly they want to be involved.

You said they're forcing you to work around their schedule but then later said they should work around what YOU want.

They have now chosen they don't want to look after all of your children, especially at once, on their own. You're saying they cannot see them if they don't, so yes, you are DEMANDING childcare from them. Because if they don't you're cutting them off from your children.

If you don't even want to sit and have a cuppa with them why on Earth would they come to your place?? They probably don't feel welcome.

People are saying they want to see all of you together because you said the FIL said he wants to see ''us''. This means all of you! They've said they can't have the kids alone, so obviously they want you there!

Bloody hell OP.

I am not saying that I will refuse them to see the kids, I Am saying that I don't really feel like making a huge effort to accommodate their demands and what suits them like I have done in the past.

" I don't really feel like making a huge effort to accommodate their demands "

well may I suggest it is a case of 'shit or get off the pot'
Either you want your children to have a relationship with their grandparents (which will involve some effort on your part) or not.
You cannot have it both ways.