Bad FIL and SMIL or is it me bu?

[coffeismybestfriend]

This might get long... Sorry...

the only grandparent we have living close buy is my husbands dad and his 2nd wife. My husband has an ok relationship with his dad ( never anything too emotional but they see each other regularly) his wife is American she is 20 years younger then him and got together with him when my husband was early teens and she was 20 . There where a lot of issues that they never resolved or spoke about. His father always put his wife 1st in front of his own children. SMIL never wanted kids of her own. Since we have had 3 kids she was really weird and refused to hold the kids until they whee about 1, refused to look after them until they " could be reasoned with" ( about 2 1/2) but the last two years they've seen them more regularly ( every Wednesday afternoon, unless they can't which has been about 50 percent of the time last minute cancellation) so a week after we returned from summer holidays my husband mentioned that his dad complained they never see us.. so I thought ohh shit their PO because I haven texted them since we got back. So I sent the wife a text saying we're back and would they like to start seeing the kids regularly on Wednesdays again.... so the response I got was:
That they Are far too busy to have the kids regularly now ( they are retired) and that anyhow they will only take one or two at the time as they feel having all tree is too much ( they often complain about their behaviour but nobody els does...) ... she will let me know ( last minute) when they want them...
so I didn't like this message so I didn't respond.. instead I spoke to my mum and my husbands mum ( who I love) who both agreed this was ridiculous. Then I spoke to my sil ( who liked to stir it) and she told her father I was PO. After this they haven't called, texted, nothing about seeing the kids. A I b u to just not contact them and think if they can't be bothered and my kids are such a choir for them my kids are better of not seeing them..? Or should I be making an effort for the sake of my children?

YABVU to expect your children to fend for themselves with people, who you know to be cruel and unkind. These are your children. I'm really struggling to under how you can justify dropping them and running. Either continue to see them with either you or dh present or cut contact.

I say this as the daughter of a narcissistic mother, who struggles to utter a kind word to me. Dd thinks my mother is adorable because I facilitate a relationship between them.

My pil love their dgc.

However mil said from the start that she wanted them to be independent before she looked after them, not because she didn't love them but because she didn't feel up to it.
They also tend to take one child at a time because they can concentrate and spoil one. When you've three dc then you end up sorting out complaints, and rushing round to make sure that they're all happy. It's much harder to choose something they all love than doing one on one-I find that with my own.

And most people in retirement that I know of are far busier than when they were working.

Livia You might very well be right and if you are, then she never gave it away, she was always lovely with them. I wouldn't hold it against her. She's an excellent friend.

Why can dh and his dad just take the DCs out occasionally on their own.

No need for you or smil to be involved invited

Livia PS. Just remembered, she's their actual godmother. What hell have I put her through!? Feel bad now

Reading threw the thread I realise I do sound a bit more aggressive and hostile than I really am... I think for me family is the most important thing and in my family we are always there for each other. We also talk and if necessary argue about issues if we have them and solve them. There is nobody in my family who thinks there above anyone els and nobody who doesn't like children or wouldn't help each other with anything child or non child related. I guess I don't understand the very passive aggressive relationship my husband has with his father and stepmother where nobody ever says what they think ( except SMIL when she's rude) everyone hates everyone but stick on fake smiles and pretend..? Maybe it's a cultural thing?
I don't know if I'm damaging my kids letting them see gp on there own. It is only the last few times I saw the negative comments to my son. But again I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and they just have a different way of speaking to kids because they are from different cultures and it's not as bad as I think.
And they do get invited to bday, school shows, Easter and similar. The last year very few of these things have involved my husband though as he's worked a lot. I never expected them to look after the kids once a week, this was there idea. We have probably asked them to babysitt for our benefit 3 times in 8 years time. We never ask them. I often ask my family to come here from a different country to look after the kids instead.

I think you should try a couple of hours together as a family once a month or so. It might give a relationship a chance to develop and you can keep things light and fun - hopefully! Now that you've noticed what's being said to your DS, I really don't feel it would be right for you to encourage them to have him on his own - or cut him out to have his sister.

Can you be pleasant but firm when she is rude? Just by stating the truth to contradict criticisms. Or say, 'We don't tell the children that kind of thing because they're all special in their own way'? And if the comment is levelled at you or your DP, can you say, 'No offence but I don't appreciate that, let's keep things friendly/peaceful'?

I don't honestly think there is any chance of a good relationship between the children and their grandparents if you and your DP aren't making an effort. It will only come across as looking for free childcare, which will breed criticism. Perhaps it shouldn't be that way but it is.

Try not to compare one side of the family with the other. I know it's hard but there will be things about this family that your side can't offer and if their way of doing things isn't great, it's not necessarily because they've made a choice. Even if this side of the family was perfect, there would still be things you wouldn't like because they would be unfamiliar. No family is perfect in the way they support each other and work things out and it's a bit unfair to hold them up against each other.

I have read this thread and was a bit surprised at the turn it took. I though I had lost the thread I think there are good points made
Good luck OP

why should I have to take them around and spend time with people I don't like

Nobody's forcing you OP
Why isn't your husband taking the kids to visit his parents?

You don't want them 'dictating' to you but you're basically telling them 'as far as i'm concerned the only way you can see the dc is on a childminding basis'

Instead of picking up the phone and speaking with fil you send a text ASSUMING they would be happy to carry on as before.
You IGNORED the signs telling you that this was too much for them - instead choosing to view it as 'evil stepmother-in-law' cancelling on you regularly.

They are RETIRED. They are free to do whatever they want with their time - they've earned it.
They are GRANDPARENTS. They want to be able to ENJOY time spent with the gdc. Not be treated as unpaid childminders. It's tough looking after 3 lively kids even for those who have more energy than your in laws.

Instead of talking to your fil and arranging something that works for all of you...i.e your DH taking the kids round once/twice a week?
Or arranging for the grandparents to take one child a week on a rota basis if that works for them?

You deliberately rang the town gossip to create drama and make in-laws look like the bad guys.
Works out great for you either way doesn't it? The only choice you're giving them is either free childcare or to stay away from you.
And to top it off you can blame it all on 'evil smil'.
Not a nice game to play op.

WHERE is you dh in all of this?
He can grow up and either deal with the issues with his step mum or go low contact.
Either way HE needs to find his balls and take on the responsibility of maintaining contact between his dc and parents.

Well if you would have read threw the thread I have said my husband has not had much free time, he's been running a restaurant and worked like crazy. His dad pops around too see him but my husband would never go round to their house with the kids on his day off. As he would not want to

We do see them occasionally all together.
They are not old and frail, she's 50 and he's about 67.

I very much doubt that they see themselves as being used and abused for child care as they have only looked after the kids on their terms.

Them seeing the kids regularly was their idea, and they Decided when and how. They where happy with the arrangement until now when they are not,

I text her and not him because that's how we always communicate.?

If they don't want to look after my kids I don't want them to either I don't want my kids to be with people who don't want them around.
I do find it odd not wanting to have a close relationship with your grandchildren. But realise after this post they are not alone in this.
I am really happy and grateful that my kids have 3 other sets of grandparents who love them and to whom they are not a burden. And moving forward from this we will focus on these gp. And I will let my dh and fil plan anything they want to do witch will probably be minimal contact.
Thank you to everyone who had a helpful response!

My mum and my MIL are amazing, help us so much. But both of them separately in the kindest way possible said they were not able for minding all three of our kids on their own. It worried and stressed them. I would never criticise them for that!

There's a few things that don't reflect too well on you in your posts OP so can I suggest you have a closer look at your own behaviour and expectations. You really sneer at these people and despite that they seem willing to mind your kids in the past.

Everyone who had a helpful response = told me I was in the right.
Op putting the issue of when your fil and his dw should see the dcs, you really lost my sympathy when you said you told your sil who you know likes to stir things up. You also told your mil. Of course she's going to say that anything the new wife does is wrong! You sound like you were just shit stirring rather than doing the right thing for your dh and dcs.

You are being completely unreasonable and when you're not being told that you're right, you throw your toys out of the pram.
Don't ask a question on AIBU if you can't handle being told that YABU.
FWIW, I think your PIL are in the right here.
You come across as quite spoiled and not being used to being told "no". They owe you nothing.
Very entitled post.

If they don't want to look after my kids I don't want them to either I don't want my kids to be with people who don't want them around.

You really seem to think that not wanting to have all three at once = not wanting them around.

You really aren't even trying to see it from their point of view at all are you.

twisted logic

Why didn't you just invite them around or do something fun all together? Why would they want some routine of having all your DC together every week, not surprised they were cancelling. Routines aren't quality time.

They are not being fake or passive aggressive. They obviously have deep rooted issues but choose not to talk about them for the sake of gathering as a family now and again (probably for the sake of the kids). YABU and could go about things a lot differently - remove expectations and comparisons with your family.

My parents have a wonderful relationship without their GC without 'looking after' my DC.... Are you seeing this as regular childcare or quality time for them?

I do find it odd not wanting to have a close relationship with your grandchildren

Most people find it odd you want to send your kids to someone who you dislike.

You do not want a relationship with them, Your dh does not want a relationship with them yet you expect them to bend over backwards and take all three of your dc on a regular basis whilst you have an afternoon off?

I do not understand your logic at all.

You don't have to look after your GC to have a close relationship though!

I do understand that most of you think I'm being ur. And I am trying to understand that a lot people find their behaviour normal and mine not.

They could come buy to my house at anytime to Se the kids but they would have to adjust to our schedule for when we are home. They haven't ever been interested in doing this.

I have not been rude to them before And I have been a lot more ok with the fake smile and having a coffe and taking the shit comments in the past. It is now after this I am not interested in putting up with it all.

And yes I guess they wouldn't have to see the children on there own to build a relationship with them but they would have to make an effort in seeing them in some way witch they don't, they haven't contacted me since this ( fine, normal) but they haven't tried to organise seeing the kids with my husband either.
So for me that seems to be them not being bothered about having a relationship with gc.

so a week after we returned from summer holidays my husband mentioned that his dad complained they never see us

Can you see that his dad said he wanted to see US that to me means your dh, you and your dc.

So I sent the wife a text saying we're back and would they like to start seeing the kids regularly on Wednesdays again

You responded to the request of his Dad wanting to see you all with a text to his wife asking them to start having the dc on their own every Wednesday.

Do you really not see what everyone else is seeing?

My husband hasn't had any free time! They know this, if the father wants to see him he can go to the restaurant. If he wants to see the kids he can, he just needs to let someone know.

I also disagree about husband finding his balls, taking them round. You know your husband is very busy working and facilitating your lifestyle (it sounds as though your a stay at home parent- I might be wrong) so it would be really helpful if you planned something or had them round for tea now and again. It's not that they don't want to be around the kids. Also, have you considered maybe they don't like you either (you sound really judgemental). Think you should be making much more of an effort yourself with your attitude.

Exactly Tups

Wants to see his family

Not re start what sounds like a laborious routine of weekly childcare.