Bad FIL and SMIL or is it me bu?

[coffeismybestfriend]

This might get long... Sorry...

the only grandparent we have living close buy is my husbands dad and his 2nd wife. My husband has an ok relationship with his dad ( never anything too emotional but they see each other regularly) his wife is American she is 20 years younger then him and got together with him when my husband was early teens and she was 20 . There where a lot of issues that they never resolved or spoke about. His father always put his wife 1st in front of his own children. SMIL never wanted kids of her own. Since we have had 3 kids she was really weird and refused to hold the kids until they whee about 1, refused to look after them until they " could be reasoned with" ( about 2 1/2) but the last two years they've seen them more regularly ( every Wednesday afternoon, unless they can't which has been about 50 percent of the time last minute cancellation) so a week after we returned from summer holidays my husband mentioned that his dad complained they never see us.. so I thought ohh shit their PO because I haven texted them since we got back. So I sent the wife a text saying we're back and would they like to start seeing the kids regularly on Wednesdays again.... so the response I got was:
That they Are far too busy to have the kids regularly now ( they are retired) and that anyhow they will only take one or two at the time as they feel having all tree is too much ( they often complain about their behaviour but nobody els does...) ... she will let me know ( last minute) when they want them...
so I didn't like this message so I didn't respond.. instead I spoke to my mum and my husbands mum ( who I love) who both agreed this was ridiculous. Then I spoke to my sil ( who liked to stir it) and she told her father I was PO. After this they haven't called, texted, nothing about seeing the kids. A I b u to just not contact them and think if they can't be bothered and my kids are such a choir for them my kids are better of not seeing them..? Or should I be making an effort for the sake of my children?

A I b u to just not contact them < This was in your OP.
my kids are better of not seeing them < So was this.

Plus all the stuff about not making any effort to go to them.

No, basically I don't think you're being unreasonable not to contact them. I think it's a pity because you are probably the only one who might have kept a relationship on the rails, but it's certainly not your responsibility and you are under no obligation to block time out each week for them to take up or not as they wish.

My pil cannot cope with my 3 dc on their own. They are good girls and not difficult but I totally respect that the thought of taking on 3 dc is daunting to some, including my pil. This doesn't mean they don't love them it just means we pop round and buy fish and chips when we visit so mil doesn't panic re cooking for us all and can play with dc. I think people need to stop having set expectations for gps and just find out what works for the gps. If you wanted a message to get back dh should have done it instead they have a dil who bitched behind their back to her sil. Yabu

When I say not contact them, I mean I will stop contacting them and asking them if they want to see the kids. If they would contact me and it was with reasonable notice they would get to Se their gc. But it would now be their responsibility to do that.

I don't really want to go to their house with the kids. But as they haven't suggested this it hasn't really been an issue...

YANBU but you haven't worded your OP well.
I think an open invitation from your DH like:" of course dad, you know you can come to see us, just text/call a few days in advance to make sure we/they will be home" is ample, no need to bend yourself backwards to arrange contact like you've been doing but for the sake of your children you will have to be in the same room than them (and don't let them put your DC done, be prepared to tell DS how he is such a good boy, everyone can have a cheeky moment).

I'm with you here OP - they have complained to your dh that they don't get to see their grandkids - it's not up to you to do the running here, if they want to see the kids you'd be greatful for the childcare - if they can't be bothered with that then that's fine, it's their loss. They might not owe you free childcare, but neither do you owe them your time and convenience. If they want a relationship with their grandchildren on their terms only then it's up to their son to facilitate this (or not, as he chooses).

I'm sure that SMIL has known for several years that you really don't like her. She isn't comfortable with young children to the extent that she didn't want any of her own but she offered to have your 3 kids every week for the last two years. That would suggest that she is not doing this for herself but trying to please everyone else. Maybe she even thought you would start to like her a bit more.

Two years and a lot of Wednesdays down the line, you still don't like her, your husband still doesn't like her, neither of you want to be in her company, she's finding it hard having all 3 kids at the same time on a weekly basis and if she dares mention that your son is being naughty things go from bad to worse so she starts coming up with excuses to cancel half of the time and who could blame her. When she eventually lets you know she can't do it anymore, she doesn't say she isn't having them again, she contacts you explains the situation, offers to have them individually but maybe not every week and look where that got her. You wouldn't speak to her and went around talking about her.

Because they haven't been in touch since SIL told them what you've been saying about them, you're publicly accusing them of not making any effort to see their Grandchildren!!!

"I don't want to spend time with them"
"but why should I have to take them around and spend time with people I don't like"
"My husband worked pretty much day and night the last year and doesn't want to spend time with them either"
"I should not be able to expect anything from them?"
"Do my kids really benefit from having a relationship"
"I don't really feel like making a huge effort to accommodate their demands "
"His wife is awful"

I think it would be best for everyone involved if you left the adults to arrange things with the kids.

Why wouldn't arrangements need to be made to suit them? Not everything can be done to suit you! Everyone has a life.

Some people don't have parents, or grandparents. Be grateful you have some that want to know your children!

STMIL is not Cinderella surrounded but evil stepsisters. The reason nobody likes her is because she is mean. Every time we meet she is full of rude remarks and dishes out comments that really aren't normal. It's usually toward my husbands or s'il sometimes me but recently it was extended to my son as well!

Then having the kids on Wednesdays was always from the start something they cancelled half of the time on the same day. And something I see more as beneficial for them and the kids than me.
I don't care if they don't want to look after my kids on their own, it might actually be harmful for them if she continues to put my oldest down. I'm not ever sure if I should.
But what she wants is to call me up with 0 notice and want to have them over.

Or she wants to exclude one of my kids from coming ( probably my oldest)
I would be ok with them taking one kid at the time if taking all kids is too equally often. And obviously not if she continues putting my son down.

I have been making an effort for years for the sake of my kids having s relationship with there gp doing things the way they want.
but I'm fed up now and don't want to make anymore effort.
I guess I just will need to be unreasonable.

I guess I just will need to be unreasonable

I wouldn't worry about that - I think that ship had sailed....

And how

Tbh if people like your SIL are deliberately stirring it and you go running to her to tell her what's happening, knowing she will stir, I think I would be a bit mean too.

Dishes out comments that really aren't normal

Honestly OP referring to people, or the things they say and do as not being normal just makes you sound narrow minded, ignorant and infantile. You mean she isn't the same as you and your close friends or family. Clearly you don't gel and don't have much in common. Perhaps you need to grow up and realise that the world is full of different people with different habits and customs. What you think is rude is probably another person's clear and direct.

Well yes I don't really want to spend the afternoon with these people so if they want a relationship with there grandchildren they should see them on there own..?

Wow you are quite the delight...

I think you should ignore the last few bullying posts, OP. You have gone to great lengths to demonstrate the GPs lack of interest in your children and their unpleasant comments towards them. I don't think anyone in RL would expect you to block out time on a regular basis for them to have children they aren't nice to, pick and choose and frequently cancel on at the last minute. Your responsibility is to your children first.

I'm with you on this OP. I no longer see my mil after many years of putting up with her snide comments. It's completely up to DH to arrange for her to see the kids, nothing to do with me, and consequently they hardly see them. There's not a cat in hells chance that I would be going to spend my free time with her just to facilitate contact with the dc.

Some grandparents love spending as much time as they can with their grandkids, no matter what, and would relish a weekly afternoon visit with them. That's normal.

Some grandparents aren't massively into having small kids running around and find it all a bit stressful, and don't really want to commit to looking after them every single week. That's also normal.

It sounds like your SMIL just isn't the maternal type and isn't that comfortable looking after three small kids. That's not unusual, or unreasonable, of her. She didn't ask to be a grandparent and maybe, if she's not much older than you and your husband, she feels uncomfortable being put into that position.

In short, I think YABU for expecting everyone to feel exactly the same way about your kids.

You've been unreasonable through out,
What is so wrong with them having one child on one day?
Not everyone can manage 3 kids!
I give up though, it doesn't matter what people say, you think you're right and that's it.
It's a real shame as you're going to ruin a relationship.
( and i don't know why you keep mentioning that smil is childfree by choice, what difference does that make?? Doesn't mean she doesn't care about her gc just because she didn't want kids.... )