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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Same unwanted Christmas present every year

205 replies

TheWorldIsMine · 24/11/2016 08:34

A few years back my mum became obsessed with the "farmers market" and used to go on about it constantly. She then bought some homemade soap from there and went on about them constantly. Once when I was at her house she showed me them - awful colourful, weird smelling things that I wouldn't put anywhere near my skin but as she was excited by them, I smiled and said they were nice.

Low and behold, I ended up with a load of them as a Christmas present. I never used them but felt guilty throwing them away so shoved them in the bottom on my wardrobe whilst telling my mum they were very nice.

Next year, same thing with my mum gushing about "well I know how much you like them do I bought you more!". Slightly less enthusiastic this time (and recognising a trend) a said "oh, thanks. I still have some of the ones from last year :-) " but she didn't get my hint.

Next year, same thing but this time with granny worthy "lavender" bath bombs. She asked if I got "the soaps" so I said "yes, thank you". This time I added "although these will last me a while, I have very sensitive skin so tend to use sanex in my bath etc otherwise my skin dries out". She STILL didn't get the hint so nearer Christmas last year I made a huge point of saying "oh shame I can't use soaps and stuff as I'm sure DH would like to buy me them - but I've told him - under no circumstances get me soap as I can't use it". Can you believe, Christmas Day I still ended up with homemade soaps, lavender bath soaps and a very odd bottle of perfume (not being a snob but she knows I only use designer perfume).

I'll end up with soap again this year. How do I stop it or do I just gracefully accept to be grateful? Why is she missing all the hints???

OP posts:
Yoarchie · 24/11/2016 17:30

Following years of shit gifts from various people, I shove everything in the charity shop as soon as they are open. I used to feel guilty about the giver, I used to feel guilty that I might have been able to eBay, I used to feel guilty about the waste. Now, I bag up all the shit and out it straight in the charity shop as soon as they open. Because the guilt is pointless and any attempt to alert the giver can be seen as ungrateful and nasty.

I am not an ungrateful person so I just say thanks and smile. The shittest gifts are often given by people who do a desperate Christmas Eve raid on the shops with no thought whatsoever. I also know someone who has a list of people she buys for. She divides it into men and women, counts them up and buys all the men the same thing and all the women the same thing, so no thought whatsoever to the recipient other than gender. Another gives the same gift every year. I would have had twenty of an item you only need one of if I hadn't charity shopped regularly.

I hate seeing all shit in the shops for Christmas. It's such a waste and nobody really wants it and even worse, people stretch their finances to buy it. People from a century ago would be disgusted.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 24/11/2016 17:37

I really don't like getting clothes. My MIL buys them for me every year, and I have to pretend I love them, even though they are things like huge fleeces and acid colours (I'm very fair and pale and an old hippy to boot.)

I am ashamed to admit that I 'forgot' to pack the most recent offering of an electric blue jerkin on the journey home...

Do love a bit of rose and lavender, though :)

Ohdearducks · 24/11/2016 17:55

'Mum I've got bad news, my skin is reacting badly to the soaps now, I'm devastated you won't be able to buy me my yearly gift of soaps this year, can you believe it? Why am I reacting so terribly to the lovely soaps? I'm so upset! not

JustSpeakSense · 24/11/2016 18:01

'Mum, please don't buy me soap again for Christmas'

3luckystars · 24/11/2016 18:24

Ah come on.
Nobody eats them awful seashells.

BarbaraofSeville · 24/11/2016 18:26

I am this easy to buy for but NO-ONE buys me books because they don't understand why I would need more

And of course there is the opposite of this, where well meaning people buy you things like ornaments, picture frames, scented candles and random pointless novelty crap 'because they noticed that you didn't have any of these items', while failing to realise that the reason that you don't have any is because you don't like them, not that you can't afford them or haven't got round to buying any.

Gindrinker43 · 24/11/2016 18:58

Women's refuge or homeless shelters may like the soap.
My husband uses the crap perfume to adopt on orphan lambs. Spray enough tweed or Charlie on the lamb and the ewe and she will think the lamb is hers. Makes the barn smell interesting!
So at least cheap perfume has a use around here.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 24/11/2016 19:00

I agree, luckystars. Though I have eaten them but only in an emergency :)

JugglingFromHereToThere · 25/11/2016 11:21

Ooh, I like those seashells - in fact I might have to see if I can encourage DM to get some for me for Christmas, instead of a bar of mint Aero - which I used to like as a child Smile

EverySongbirdSays · 25/11/2016 11:52

Why don't people tell the truth?

Because we are all brought up to know that the ONLY polite response to a gift is thank you.

Thought that counts/don't give to receive etc

Yes RE the shocking waste even the change since the 80s is shocking, along with the way things have somehow at the same time shrunk eg Roses Tins, that aren't even tins anymore.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 25/11/2016 12:20

I have a relative who will open a gift and immediately point out all the reasons it's crap. She has no shame about it at all and nothing is ever quite right. Anyone else in my family would have been hauled over the coals for this kind of rudeness but for some reason she gets away with it. I just stopped giving her gifts.

I wouldn't want to be like my hideous relative, so the only thing I ever say is "Thank you". If I really, really don't want the same thing again, I make sure there's some distance between criticising the thing and having received it as a gift. For example, my mother gave me some handmade soaps which weren't actually handmade (nasty melt and pour stuff) and were much lower quality than the ones I make myself. About 6 months later I mentioned that I didn't like the stuff this company made because it wasn't as handmade as it claimed to be and the scents were awful (whiskey scented soap FFS!).I may also have invented a rash. No more soap was given and my super-touchy mother didn't take offence.

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 25/11/2016 14:49

I think we all have a relative like this!

My sister used to buy me clothes ever year, but always in her taste and never mine. She never seemed to notice that I didn't wear any of them, or that our mother usually wore them instead. Heavy pre-Christmas hints like, "Gosh, my wardrobe is at bursting point - I've got enough clothes to last me 5 years!" etc. just didn't work.

Tell her straight,

GashleyCrumbTiny · 25/11/2016 16:01

What did you say after she said "oh all those soaps will help your sensitive skin"? Because surely "no, mum, it's really terrible I can't use them at all anymore" would have nipped it in the bud?

Jaxhog · 25/11/2016 17:28

I'd wrap them up nicely, and give them back to to her. But as Maverick said, not as your Christmas present. Tell her they are very nice, but you can't use them as you have a very sensitive skin and can only use certain products.

Persistentdonor · 25/11/2016 17:33

Supposing you empty the bottom of your wardrobe into a very nicely put together xmas basket for your Ma. They will last FOREVER as they are really hard by now, and you do KNOW she does like the stuff!!!!!!!!!!!! Hmm

abc15 · 25/11/2016 17:36

Put all of them in a hamper basket weapped up in a bow and give them to her as a christmas gift. Say i know how much you like these 😂

FameNameGameLame · 25/11/2016 17:46

I used to feel guilty about the waste. Now, I bag up all the shit and out it straight in the charity shop as soon as they open. Because the guilt is pointless

Totally this.

Followed by, "unfortunately I had to donate them because they really do affect my skin" next time the dreaded soap conversation comes up.

mummypeepee · 25/11/2016 17:47

Why not dig them out and say Mum I've got so many and I know you love them too have some back for your house as I just can't get through them all. Or suggest she re use them as gifts for others to save her money. Personally I'd just tell my mum not to buy me any more bloody soap!

Middleagedmumoftwo · 25/11/2016 17:50

My sister in law goes to the January sales and buys up every shower gel/perfume boxed gift she can find half price and gives them to anyone, any age, for birthdays and Christmas. Drives me nuts that she can't be arsed to actually think about what people might like/want/need so earlier this year I just suggested she didn't buy anything for our family this year (kids are 18+ anyway) I just ended up sending them all to tombolas 😬

SinfulRevenge · 25/11/2016 17:57

As others have said, i think you need to be more direct with her. Ask her for something you'd really like. With the soaps you have put away, is there an elderly neighbour you could create a nice little hamper for? Just thinking that some don't have family and you'd be surprised how happy they would be to receive some fancy soaps ;)

Chickpea2000 · 25/11/2016 17:58

Wrap up last year's soap, give it to her back as her gift, and mention you know how much she loves it. Repeat each year until she gets the message. This also saves you the bother / money of buying her another 'thougtful' gift.

MsMommie · 25/11/2016 18:08

😂😂
just tell her you don't like them.
I wish someone bought me a Christmas present though. Even soap lol x

DinosaursRoar · 25/11/2016 18:11

Can I just add, if you are waiting until right now to say it doesn't work for you, then it's far, far too late! Most people who want to buy things at Farmers Markets etc will ahve done their trip already.

I would try being direct, but tonight - this weekend will be too late. Something like "Mum, have you got my Christmas gift yet? If not, can I ask you don't buy the soaps from the farmers market again this year? I'm really not going to be able to use them as they make my skin hurt." but wait to get confirmation she's not been shopping yet, it could well be you missed your opportunity.

If you are waiting until close to Christmas to give your hints, you are hinting at someone who has already bought your gift so is chosing not to hear as it's terribly akward.

If you get presented with some this year, be grateful on the day, then in February, give her the soaps minus one back, say you tried them and you came up with a rash, but they are so lovely, it'd be such a pity to bin them, here you go. Such a shame... This will reinforce that you can't use them.

In October head her off, find something you'd really like and say you'd love that for Christmas.

Waiting until the last week in November is a bit late for a lot of people, gifts are already bought.

Serialweightwatcher · 25/11/2016 18:19

I don't agree that you shouldn't tell the truth - you've told her on a few occasions and she still persists - I think you need to say 'liked those soaps at first but bit fed up with them now - also, as I said, I'm just using Sanex right now - I really could use a new scarf/gloves/t-towels/socks"

Serialweightwatcher · 25/11/2016 18:20

..... and if she still ignores you, give her them back for her birthday Grin

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