Same unwanted Christmas present every year

[TheWorldIsMine]

A few years back my mum became obsessed with the "farmers market" and used to go on about it constantly. She then bought some homemade soap from there and went on about them constantly. Once when I was at her house she showed me them - awful colourful, weird smelling things that I wouldn't put anywhere near my skin but as she was excited by them, I smiled and said they were nice.

Low and behold, I ended up with a load of them as a Christmas present. I never used them but felt guilty throwing them away so shoved them in the bottom on my wardrobe whilst telling my mum they were very nice.

Next year, same thing with my mum gushing about "well I know how much you like them do I bought you more!". Slightly less enthusiastic this time (and recognising a trend) a said "oh, thanks. I still have some of the ones from last year :-) " but she didn't get my hint.

Next year, same thing but this time with granny worthy "lavender" bath bombs. She asked if I got "the soaps" so I said "yes, thank you". This time I added "although these will last me a while, I have very sensitive skin so tend to use sanex in my bath etc otherwise my skin dries out". She STILL didn't get the hint so nearer Christmas last year I made a huge point of saying "oh shame I can't use soaps and stuff as I'm sure DH would like to buy me them - but I've told him - under no circumstances get me soap as I can't use it". Can you believe, Christmas Day I still ended up with homemade soaps, lavender bath soaps and a very odd bottle of perfume (not being a snob but she knows I only use designer perfume).

I'll end up with soap again this year. How do I stop it or do I just gracefully accept to be grateful? Why is she missing all the hints???

I agree, try asking her specifically for something else when you tell her no more soap?

(mind you i've tried this with my DM and she always says dismissively 'oh i can't trol all round the shops to find that. And i've said it's available in the same shop as she's got the B&H - Boots!)

There's a pattern on this thread (as well as the thoughtless, buying what the giver likes one). It is that commenting on something sends a far more powerful message reinforcing that thing in the person's mind, in association with you, than does the positive or negative nature of the comment.

You need to mention something you do want and repeat, refer, mention until that's their new association.

''My MIL is a lovely lady ... every, single year I get a six pack of size 24 big knickers. I'm a size 12, I've told her I'm a size 12 but no, every year it's the same.''

That doesn't sound very lovely!

My parents and I are now just brutally honest with each other - and we have a £5 rule - last year each gift cost no more than £5 and had to come from a charity shop; this year it is the same £5 rule but has to be a book.

Everyone is happy - no one is spending a fortune and no ends up with too much clutter.

Incidentally - I volunteer in a charity shop and our best stock arrives in January each year - so many unwanted presents are just circulated around and around.

Just be honest with your mother - I know it's harder than it sounds but what's to stop you saying 'lets stop exchanging gifts this year'?

I had a little conversation with my dad yesterday about the socks and other tat my mum buys me every christmas after finding last year's box of socks unopened in a cupboard I was cleaning out.

His reply was "I'm not trying to be rude, but you're an adult now with a mortgage and a husband. I don't think we should be buying you loads of presents anyway! I'll talk to her..."

Could you ask her for 1 specific thing and say you really don't want/need anything else?

Instead of binning them couldn't you give them to your local food bank?

No idea how to suggest she stops buying them though. I get a boots 3 for 2 set from IL's every year even though I've had the same skincare routine for years which they are well aware of. I just smile and say thanks.

Agree that you need to be more direct.

And the idea of repeatedly suggesting something you do want is also good.

"Mum, I really like chocolates (or other thing you like). I hope I get some lovely chocolates for Christmas." And repeat.

It seems like my family are very blunt. We'd just say "I don't like those soaps. Can I have lush instead?"

Perhaps start giving them back to her, saying that you know she must love them?
Or pass them onto a charity shop or food bank, it's a shame to just throw them out.

I second the suggestion of giving them all back to your mum with a polite & friendly "it's such a shame I can't use any of these due to my sensitive skin, but I know how much you love them so hope you'll enjoy them."

Then hope she hasn't already bought this year's wheelbarrow load .

Please can I have a Dad with a CC...

Why does it matter? It's only soap. Donate to a charity shop or pass on to a friend who will like them.

One relative always buy me very nice scented candles which I don't light because some scents trigger one of my children's asthma. My friends like Jo Malone candles though so someone gets pleasure out of them...

My granny had very, very little and brought ip her seven children in next to nothing. She had her youngest child when her eldest child was 17. The eldest child got married at 20, got a decent job and did well for himself. Every year, for about 20 years, he gave my granny a bottle of cherry brandy for Christmas. She never once drank cherry brandy. If she ever had a drink (bearing in mind she would never have been able to afford to buy booze) she would have a whiskey and lemonade. I remember my mum telling me about it and i could never understand why someone would buy a present for someone else who had next to nothing, without ever checking if they wanted it. For 20 odd years.

I know! Gather up all the stuff, go to your mum's famers market and hire a stall :o "Hi mum..."

No, as PPs have said donate them to a refuge or homeless shelter, that way you'll know someone will appreciate them.

And just spell it out to your mum "you've given me soap and bath things for a while now, but I can't use them because of my skin. This year I'd really love this necklace/this book/etc. instead. Please could you get me that?"

This is why I find Christmas a massive PITA and have tried to minimise the present-giving as much as possible, and make it kids-only. It's all so unnecessary and an emotional minefield. If only people would just listen to each other.

Whatever you do, don't be rude about the gift.

Tell her you really don't want soaps, etc, this year as you can only use Sanex, so won't be able to use them.

But if she gives you soaps, do not do as some have suggested and give them back. (How rude!) Smile and graciously thank her. It is a gift. She doesn't have to give you anything. Then regift, or donate to a charity in some way.

And come on MN to rant. You won't be alone!

I have sensitive skin.
I have had to have words with people. One school friend I remember actually having to beg not to get me bath bubbles at Christmas. She always bought them (or stinky bath bombs) for everyone and I could never use them as baths give me terrible eczema.
She huffed and told me I was ungrateful. I told her I didn't want her spending money on something I was unable to use. I suggested chocolate - which would also be cheaper!
I've had similar conversations with a number of people. My Mum has been told not to buy Baylis and Harding for DH as his skin is worse than mine!
To be honest op, I think you're going to have to ask for something specific. If she then says "Oh but the soap..." you can then say you're allergic to it.

Every year my parents buy us each one of those stocking filler amusing books of daft quiz answers, badly translated signs etc. They are amusing to look through once on Boxing Day but they are not the sort of thing we are going to keep to clutter up our tiny house. They usually go to the charity shop first week in January along with the hideous, 3 sizes too big t shirt from my aunt and assorted ceramic animals from the in laws! I'd really rather they just gave us a tenner in an envelope.

'Hi Mum, if you're looking for ideas for me for Christmas then I've seen this 'insert moderately priced nice item here' and would really love that rather than more hideous handmade soap to shove in the back of the cupboard.

I think giving them back to her is a good idea because she'll be forced to acknowledge what you're saying.

Sometimes people don't hear the "please don't buy me..." part of sentences like that, and just hear the "X you got me last year".....which then turns, in their brains, into "they mentioned X again, they must really love it, I need to make SURE I pick up another one for this year".

It might be better to make the comment while including a suggestion of something you'd actually like INSTEAD as part of that discussion. Or even tossing around a dilemma of someone wanting an idea and you are torn between which 1 of 2 to tell them - agree 1 and hope she takes the hint on the other by bigging it up how much you like it. ???Might work??

Me - chubby, fair complexion, not really fashion conscious. Spend a lot of time outdoors for work and pleasure, live in N England.

Sister - tall, slim, Olive skinned, very fashion conscious (used to work Ina glossy mag), lives in Mediterranean

Every year - Christmas and birthday- buys me (and now the DC) clothes which are too small, impractical and unflattering (and with no recognition that DD and I can't wear synthetic fibres).

Every single time. Despite asking her over and over not to get us clothes!!!!! They can't even be returned because they were bought abroad, and don't sell well on eBay because the brands are not known in the U.K.

My dh's aunt is a lovely woman but she's one of those who gets a theme in her head and gifts accordingly.

Dh always gets something to do with vintage/antique maps and novelty candles in the shape of teddy bears and so on. This is because he's a mountaineer and uses Ordinance Survey maps, and once said he liked candles.
Ds1 always gets elephant themed gifts. Candles, ornaments, notebooks with elephants on. I think he said he liked elephants once when he was seven or something. He's 15 now and baffled by it.

Mine...

Go on be honest..
Have you turned into your mum yet? ... it will happen..

This is why god invented eBay

This happens with mil. She gets me the same gift set from boots every year. I still haven't even opened the one from last year and I'm suspecting I'm getting another again this year. I wouldn't mind but it's a very pricey one.