To ask if you mind being addressed by your husbands initial?

[Zaratall]

In the process of buying a house and have just received some documentation.

I kept my own name when I got married so my name is Ms Zara Tall.

I've found that this has caused much confusion when dealing with anything official. People can't grasp that I'm a married Ms. So this latter has been addressed to Mrs Zara Tall and Mr My Husband. No biggie.

However the vendors have been named as Mr and Mrs Mansname Vendors.

I can't believe in this day and age people are still leaving women's names off official documentation concerning them.

Do you mind this?

I don't really care one way or another. I have been married for 31 years. How someone writes my name/DHs namedetracts not one jot from who I am. Really cannot be arsed giving it any head space TBH.

Yes I bloody do mind! It harks back to the days of 'couverture', when women were property that moved from fathers to husbands and had no legal rights to leave their marriages, unless they could prove extremely cruel treatment. Outrageous!

I have my own surname and forename. I am married but not and never will be 'Mrs'. I certainly am not 'Mrs' DH's initial DH's surname. I am Dr Shove T. Holly and DH is Professor X.

Thankfully the adult female title here does not specify married/not married. I changed my surname to DH's, but call myself Ms still if I need an English title. I would be incredibly annoyed if this were me.

Still sidetracked but...Princess Michael is really called Marie-Christine. Bonkers isn't it!

It is very old fashioned but in my list of things to get bothered about it is pretty near the bottom.

What snorkmaiden said.

It has nothing to do with insecurity and everything to do with misogyny. The fact that so many women don't see a problem with it show how successful and deeply ingrained misogyny is in society.

I suppose if I was insecure, lacking confidence, or searching for an identity it might bother me.

Wow I HAVE an identity. It's the one I had before I married DH. It exists along with my degrees, qualifications and professional standing. What I didn't do was create a new identity when I married. I'm not Mrs Hisname HisSurname because that person simply does not exist and never has. On the plus side, I can deny any knowledge of Mrs HisSurname whenever scammers call.

I have a friend who took her first husband's name when she married. She's recently remarried and still uses her first husband's surname in a professional context. Fortunately both start with the same initial, but even she admits it's a bit bonkers that by the age of 35 she's had 3 separate identities.

I don't mind in the slightest

It annoys me more on things that are sent to just me. I don't like it on joint things but Mrs (husbands initial) Surname really pisses me off on birthday cards. I don't care if that has been correct etiquette in the past, it is completely outdated.

My MIL writes to my dh regularly and he envelope always says Mr and Mrs his initial our surname. When she writes to just me it is Mrs My initial mynmarried surname.

I would be happy with Mrs dh Initial our surname.

It's truly awful, and no not even correct either. There's usually someone along to claim it is though.

Also if you got married to call yourself Mrs, you were sold a bit of a pup there. You can use Ms, Mrs or Miss regardless of your marital status.

We have the same first initial, but I'd be pissed off if they gave me his first name.

Also, Princess Michael is so called because she's not a princess in her own right. Strictly speaking, Kate Middleton is Princess William for the same reason. But they always use the Duchess title because after Diana (who was Princess of Wales in her own right), they're not going there again.

'I suppose if you were insecure or searching for an identity it might bother you'

I totally agree, Julie.

Yes, it annoys the fuck out of me. And I don't seem to suffer from lack of confidence. It's almost like I consider myself a whole human with my own name and identity

I consider the Mr Mansinitial Surname format disrespectful, on two levels - way too chauvinistic for me AND, when I've told you before, it means you are not respecting my wish on how to be addressed.

You may be lazy or incompetent. Either way, I am your client do pay attention if you want to keep my custom.

I mind too. For all the reasons stated above. I also wish we'd do away with Mrs completely. Why the fuck should every tom dick or harry know my marital status?

'I suppose if you were insecure or searching for an identity it might bother you'

Ahh... the irony of someone who decides not to create a new identity on marriage being accused of searching for one. The logic fail is quite conspicuous.

I took his surname etc but he is shit at mortgage stuff. And email. And voicemail. They still contact him first (which he promptly passes to me) and put his name in big caps on all correspondence.

My late mum once wrote me a cheque to Mrs His initial and surname. The bank wouldn't accept it because it wasn't my initial. A rare reversal.

I changed my surname, not my first name, so yes it grates.

I once played a solo at a big event for DH's family. I was accompanied by DH. In the draft programme I was down as "Mrs DH'sfirstname Sharedsurname"

I may have kicked off a bit until it was changed to, you know, my actual name.

Yes, I mind. I did not change my name upon marriage so I am most certainly not Mrs. Husband'sName. I have a name of my own, thank you very much.

NOt in the slightest, but it's exactly the same as mine.

Yes I mind. I do sometime do it myself on Christmas cards (I promise not to it this year) and it is outrageous. Women are just as much people as men and when you address a couple (with the same surname) you say

Mr Peter and Mrs Anne Smith

Or indeed Mrs Anne and Mr Peter Smith

Not Mr and Mrs P Smith.

It's not that difficult and I feel very guilty for my laziness in the past.

Maybe I could start saying Mrs and Mr A Smith!