AIBU - apparently I'm the worst mum in the world!!

[tactum]

and the strictest and everything else you can think of!!

DD (just 14) has obv got an iphone which she is very very attached to - apart from homework time, mealtimes and other such stuff. I used to let her leave it on the landing to charge over night - never in her bedroom - which apparently made me the devil incarnate already because NO ONE else's parents EVER restrict their phone usage day or night and everyone else sleeps with their head practically on them. However we have had a couple of occasions where 1 of us has got up early or we have been aware of her moving around early and she has nabbed it - talking pre 6.15 am.

So now my rule is it charges overnight in our bedroom no debate. She goes to bed around 9.45 pm and she can come and retrieve it once she is up and showered dressed etc in the am - usually works out around 7, as she has to leave quite early on the bus.

Apparently I am the worst person in the world for doing this, but when I question why she always just re-iterates that she doesn't normally use it outside of those hours anyway so I'm being mean for not trusting her. My argument is 1. if that's the case what's the problem, 2. why the hell does the first thing she feel the needs to do be to look at a screen.

I'm sure many of you with younger children would be thinking you'd never even let them have a phone that early in the day, but please, just watch this space....

To all of you out there, am AIBU?

I get all this X s mum let them do it so why can't I?

My 14 year old seems to think money grows on trees and asks for trips out and holidays on a weekly basis.

It is draining.
I think You are totally reasonable op

I think you are doing the right thing. I certainly intend to have similar rules when DS gets to that age. That said he already claims that he is the only child who has limited screen time. Apparently all his friends are playing on ipads, and xbox's from dawn til dusk!

maybe you could make it house rules.
if you're so anti it maybe you should all leave your phones/tablets downstairs to charge at night. then it's fair.
i think you're right, fwiw, i was 12 when i got a phone and when my parents caught me texting at 2am it was removed from my room at night until i bought my own phone (i was 14 tho as i started work and hated the motorola brick, so splashed a seemingly huge amount - £140 - on a slightly smaller brick!!)

I think you have to let them self- regulate from 14. I have and my DD is organised has good grades and goes to sleepnat a reason able hours. You have to let go.

Sorry autocorrect.

I'll say what I always say on these threads.
Each child is different. My dd 14 simply CANNOT regulate her use and will literally be up all night if I don't block it (app) she even admits it.
At weekends she's allowed it unblocked but I've got up at 4.30 before and can see the light from the phone. She then sleeps half the day and is in a hideous mood for days.

Our pact app is the way forward.

OP I think you made a good compromise. If I had thought at any point any of my teenagers were using the phone past a point of sensibility I would highly likely have done the same.

I am however blessed with children who love their sleep so it really isnt a problem here.

We regulate phone usage for our 12yo. Phone is removed when they go upstairs, and the teen is allowed to read for 30 mins just to have some down time from screens.

What surprises me is the phone pings constantly until we go up. Often, the phone can make noises in the middle of the night (we put it on silent now). I am surprised that some teens are able to be whatsapping at 3am and yet still ok to be up and at school studying for 9am.

I don't mind being a mean parent - I know that my 12yo struggles with no sleep, and would be useless for school if they were on youtube and whatsapp until the early hours. Things may change as they get older, and two years is a big difference at this age, but I will have no problems removing the phone then either if we have sleeping issues due to nighttime phone use.

I put the Our Pact app on my 14 year olds iphone and ipad. It turns off the internet and apps after 10pm on a school night and at 11.30 at the weekend, it doesn't come back on until 7am in the morning. Also, if she has been misbehaving I can turn the internet off which is also a great threat lol.

I think at 14 they have to learn for themselves, or you'll still be following her up to Uni and trying to control it. If she is doing everything else right, school work fin etc etc, there is no reason to force the issue? And for goodness sake don't turn the internet off in the evening! Ive had to send a written apology to the latin mistress because I turned off the internet in the middle of homework. Cringe.

I think you should turn it off / take it away to teach her that there is some freedom in not being on-line 24/7. Otherwise, when she gets a job, she will more easily accept that there is no division between work time and private time (although by then I suspect we'll all be wearing virtual reality goggles that put us permanently in our cubicles).

We have done similar but DD hasn't objected (much). The problem is when other people are still active on Snapchat etc. when your teen needs to be asleep.
Luckily for us, DD values sleep above all else, so only has her phone in her room on weekends- a good compromise.

I take my children's phones each of them at bedtime. It's soooo easy for them to say 'I'll just check it one more time' and before you or they know it it's way beyond bedtime and they're knackered the next day, grumpy and don't function well at school. It's not like they don't have it for the 16 or so hours they are up in the day! I know I currently cannot trust them to self manage and put the phone down and leave it down and get some decent sleep. When they can I will be happy for them to have their phones overnight. Until that day at 9/10 pm they come to me.

And yes this makes me also one of the worst mums in the world. ☺🤔

Have you taken on board the comments re overnight charging?

I have 4 children and 2 of them cannot help it - they wander back on mid morning. Do what works for the individual!

One of my colleagues (who has good relationships with all of her four adult sons) told me when I was expecting that if they don't say 'I hate you' or a variation on it (e.g. you're the worst mum in the world) at some point, you're probably getting it wrong - you're a parent first, a friend second. My DD is much younger, but your boundaries sound very reasonable to me.

ds is 14. His phone is downstairs on charge overnight.
You can't possibly be the worst Mum in the world, becuase I already have that title, along with the strictest and meanest .
He woudl be on it until 2 am if he had it.

Dd 1 is 11 and very different, he phone is also downstairs on charge, but she would turn hers off and go to sleep if it was in her room. Different characters.

We went to a year 7 parent's meeting for dd1 and the school was very strong about asking us to not allow them phones over night in their rooms. They were using the latest evidence for CEOPS, that this is recommendation from them, no phones, computers in bedrooms overnight. It helped me to stand firm with ds.

Can't believe anyone let's children sleep with phones by their bed. Allowing them to become totally addicted to phones/social media and constant communication. ..to the detriment of their developing brains and sleep..

Well I slept with my phone by my head as a teenager and still manage to use apostrophes correctly wat.

Phones downstairs before bed, no exception. Even weekend nights. Dds, 16yo and 13yo. Nothing is more important than a good night's sleep without being interrupted by texts, snaps, etc. Or "need" to check insta feed.

But dh hands phones back to them when he wakes them up in the mornings. Don't see a problem with that -- as long as they get ready in time for school.

Sheep-- maybe if you had not slept with phone by head as a teen, you would have accomplished more than just knowing how to use apostrophes. It's like when people say that they suffered multiple concussions as a child but no big deal because managed to finish university. That's great, but it's not what you have managed to do despite brain damage, it's what you could have done had you not suffered from brain damage.

What could I have done then? I have a first class degree from a RG university and an MA.

Ok maybe I would have won the nobel prize were it not for having my phone next to me as I slept, is that what you are saying?

Also are you actually telling me that I have brain damage ?