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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - apparently I'm the worst mum in the world!!

247 replies

tactum · 22/11/2016 23:35

and the strictest and everything else you can think of!!

DD (just 14) has obv got an iphone which she is very very attached to - apart from homework time, mealtimes and other such stuff. I used to let her leave it on the landing to charge over night - never in her bedroom - which apparently made me the devil incarnate already because NO ONE else's parents EVER restrict their phone usage day or night and everyone else sleeps with their head practically on them. However we have had a couple of occasions where 1 of us has got up early or we have been aware of her moving around early and she has nabbed it - talking pre 6.15 am.

So now my rule is it charges overnight in our bedroom no debate. She goes to bed around 9.45 pm and she can come and retrieve it once she is up and showered dressed etc in the am - usually works out around 7, as she has to leave quite early on the bus.

Apparently I am the worst person in the world for doing this, but when I question why she always just re-iterates that she doesn't normally use it outside of those hours anyway so I'm being mean for not trusting her. My argument is 1. if that's the case what's the problem, 2. why the hell does the first thing she feel the needs to do be to look at a screen.

I'm sure many of you with younger children would be thinking you'd never even let them have a phone that early in the day, but please, just watch this space....

To all of you out there, am AIBU?

OP posts:
misamisa · 23/11/2016 00:14

I lock my 12 year olds phone away overnight. When we just charged it on the landing/downstairs I noticed multiple times when checking her social media that she had posted post midnight and into the early hours Hmm. If she had just been watching YouTube or texting I would never have known... finding out did explain why she was such a nightmare in the mornings though!!

You're not the worst parents ever etc (I've been called a whole lot of crap over this too!) at all. Teens don't understand how important sleep is for them.

AuntMabel · 23/11/2016 00:14

YANBU. You're hardly the worst person in the world for doing this either; has she ever read the news during the 16 hours she has the phone in her possession?

BreconBeBuggered · 23/11/2016 00:15

You can't do anything right when they're 14. This is a fact of life. But I'm with the no-overnight-charging gang as she has an iphone.

I had no scruples whatsoever about removing DS1's phone overnight when his GF started calling him at 2am in the middle of his GCSEs. GCSE grades are for life. GF barely lasted the summer. Yes, he thought it was harsh. Tough.

teaandakitkat · 23/11/2016 00:16

I wish I was strong enough to impose a rule like that in our house, I'm pathetic.

I think it's a good rule for evenings for sure, as for the mornings, I guess it depends how good she is at getting ready. Does she spend so long on her phone it makes her late? Maybe you could let her get her phone whenever she wakes up, so long as she's still ready for school on time. If she's late, or you have to shout at her, put it back in your room.

And today I'm actually the worst mum in the world because I have confiscated my son's bike for the rest of the week.

Bertucci · 23/11/2016 00:21

I have a 14 year old and he is not allowed his phone after bed time. It has to go in a certain spot (charging) in the upstairs hallway.

He'd be in it half the night otherwise.

Bertucci · 23/11/2016 00:21

On it.

user1477282676 · 23/11/2016 00:22

My DD is 12 and goes to bed at 10.00pm at which point the phone goes in my room.

I think your rules could be slightly relaxed OP.

StillMedusa · 23/11/2016 00:24

I remove my 19 yr old's phone and ipad when I go to bed at 12.30 am!
Ok he has autism and Learning disabilities so he is more a 12 year old and would stay up all night on youtube otherwise.

But when my others were at home that was the rule..all phones and electronics out of the bedroom and charging by midnight.
In fact when my grown up (aged 22,23 and 24) yr olds come home for Xmas.. the phones are gathered on Xmas eve at midnight as I can;t stand the beeping at 3am!!

I leave mine too...

Suppermummy02 · 23/11/2016 00:25

yabu, seems very harsh for a 14 yo

CouldIHaveIt · 23/11/2016 00:25

I think you're doing the right thing.

Phones in bedrooms are bad news. Apart from the way they disturb your sleep, the fire risk is quite a serious risk, especially with kids who are more likely to fall asleep with it in bed with them.

If your kids think you're 'The worlds worst parent' you're probably doing something right!

user1477282676 · 23/11/2016 00:29

Medusa that's fine in your case...you're just protecting your DS and making sure he gets his sleepx

Flower752 · 23/11/2016 00:32

My son is 13 and we charge his phone /keep it in our room over night and he has it once washed and dressed the next morning, it's just too much temptation to use it if it's in his room and he knows that. His sleep at this age is just too important and quite often he uses it out of habit... it's like his default mode. I think you are doing what you think is in her best interest and setting boundaries, it's a difficult age and it's very easy to just let them to get on with it, but that's not always best. Sometimes we have to make unpopular choices as parents.

OverTheGardenGate · 23/11/2016 01:06

In my house, there is a blanket ban on mobile phones in the bedroom.
They interfere with restful sleep. It's an unnatural and unnecessary
disturbance and it's unarguably a very bad thing to be on the alert for
texts all night long. Almost like having a newborn baby.

We all had a proper discussion about it, weighing up pros and cons,
but there weren't any pros, so we all agreed that mobile phones are
left downstairs. If there is a proper family emergency, we have the landline which will ring out loud and clear in all bedrooms.
We all leave our smart phones on the kitchen table. We're not forced to do it. We agree to do it.

I'm pretty sure that both my DDs are quite relieved to have the excuse
not to answer midnight texts. It's Mother's fault. She won't let me have my phone.

But the one who suffers most, I think, is DH. He just itches to check his emails, all the time. I don't give a shiny shite. I'm sleeping. Texts and emails will have to wait until I'm sufficiently rested.

At 14/15/16 kids really need their sleep. It's up to the parents to make sure that they have the best possible chance to get some zzzz's in
Not harsh at all. It's called discipline. They need to learn about it.
It's a very important part of growing up.

I might come over as a miserable old luddite git, but you know I'm right.
Right?

puglife15 · 23/11/2016 02:29

over has just posted exactly what I was going to suggest.

If you ALL do it, it will seem much fairer.

Chloecoconut · 23/11/2016 02:51

My two (13 and 11) have to leave their phones outside their door at certain times in the evening. They need their sleep, not several million snapchat messages in the middle of the night. Phones are charged in my room or downstairs and I'm always up first so I put phones in their rooms about 10 minutes before any alarms are supposed to go off. So no, YANBU at all.

FixItUpChappie · 23/11/2016 04:38

I think you are spot on OP and wish more parents were as sensible Brew

Scooby20 · 23/11/2016 05:05

My dd is 12 and those rules are the rules we have with her phone. Tbh both me and dh dint charge ours in the bedroom either.

Too tempting to check work emails in the middle of the night if I can't sleep.

I really don't get why anyone would think anyone needs to charge the phone next to their bed.

Ditsy4 · 23/11/2016 05:27

Get ready to be the " the worst parent ever" for lots of reasons. It is meant to guilt trip you. Just acknowledge it. Then they don't know what to do or say. Tell her it is your way or the alternative...no phone at all.
You have to be tough with teenagers sometimes. It has proven to affect brains especially young people. She needs her sleep not texts going off and bullying can occur at night.
My daughter says she is glad I gave her guidelines and stuck to them. One of my sons apologised ( at 28) for being " such a little shit " when he was a teenager. It is hard to give( American and I hate it ) "tough love" but it works.
Tell her you are doing it because you love her. Be warned there are a few hills to climb yet! Don't believe the " you are the only parent who does this" talk to the parents you will find there are more. Good luck I'm glad I am through this stage. I have four lovely, considerate adults so must have done something right! Stick to your reasons.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 23/11/2016 05:35

OP,
You are her mum.. she is a teenage .... therefore you are the worst mum in the world... If it wasn't for phones she would simply find another reason to rant..

That appart, I am not convinced that chatting on the phone into the small hours is good... says me at half five in the morning...

SlottedSpoon · 23/11/2016 05:47

I am with you. Unfortunately my two have done the thing of sleeping with their head on the phone and having their sleep disrupted by endless texts throughout the early hours. But once you've started down that route it seems to them like the worst invasion of privacy and human rights EVER to not be allowed to do this like 'normal people.' The rows we've had about it in our house have been unbelievable. But I am firmly of the opinion that young people are far too addicted and obsessed with being in 24 hour contact and with social media updates at all hours that they just cannot be trusted to have a phone with them 24 hours a day.

Mine are older now but if I had my time again I would TOTALLY be having a rule that all phones and other devices are confiscated at say 11pm and given back at breakfast time.

SlottedSpoon · 23/11/2016 05:49

My point being that you HAVE to stick to that rule from the beginning and it must be a condition of being allowed to have your own devices in your room at all. Once it's been allowed to happen for months/years it's impossible to go back and change the rules without all hell breaking loose.

LouisvilleLlama · 23/11/2016 05:57

I really don't get why anyone would think anyone needs to charge the phone next to their bed.

Well I use my phone as an alarm and also to play something whilst I fall asleep also in case there's an emergency, so instead of one plug/ wire/ small device I'd need 3-4 sets for the phone elsewhere, the alarm clock and then a white noise machine or TV or something to play noise whilst I fall asleep. and maybe a new landline in my bedroom

Heatherplant · 23/11/2016 06:29

YANBU, your house your rules. I work with someone who not only removes the phone overnight but checks the messages! Obviously her daughter isn't aware of the message checking bit. My children aren't at that stage yet but in all honesty I can see myself being that parent too.

honeylulu · 23/11/2016 06:40

My son is younger (11) but he was addicted. Would take his phone to bed and play on it all night. Would rush through his homework so he could get back to his phone etc. Would have trouble winding down for rest and claim to not be tired (though he clearly was in the morning). Now the rule is, on weekdays, no phone/ tablet after 7.30pm. He can watch TV with us downstairs until 9 if he wants to. I put his phone back in his room once he's asleep (once he's gone, he's gone) as he uses it as an alarm. I hadn't wanted to be so strict but it has been necessary.

I'm shamefully addicted to mine though Blush.

Limitededition7inch · 23/11/2016 06:41

Not at the stage where I need to limit my DC's screen time yet, but will be doing same as OP. As a teenager of secondary children, who teaches the type of subject where we can regularly discuss day to day issues such as phone issues, I am always never surprised at the kids who tell me they dont have limits on their phones. They are the ones who are more prone to lapses in concentration, tiredness etc. I am also a form tutor and deal, on average, two or three times a week with a phone/social media related issue and some parents are always shocked at the school's suggestions that they monitor phone/tablet usage more carefully. And I teach in a 'naice' semi-rural school.

Now, I get that correlation doesn't imply causation and that, but 14 year olds aren't always old enough to self-regulate. OP, your teenager needs sleep, and getting up at 6.15 can't be good for her - especially if she's not gone to bed 9 hours previously?