AIBU - apparently I'm the worst mum in the world!!

[tactum]

and the strictest and everything else you can think of!!

DD (just 14) has obv got an iphone which she is very very attached to - apart from homework time, mealtimes and other such stuff. I used to let her leave it on the landing to charge over night - never in her bedroom - which apparently made me the devil incarnate already because NO ONE else's parents EVER restrict their phone usage day or night and everyone else sleeps with their head practically on them. However we have had a couple of occasions where 1 of us has got up early or we have been aware of her moving around early and she has nabbed it - talking pre 6.15 am.

So now my rule is it charges overnight in our bedroom no debate. She goes to bed around 9.45 pm and she can come and retrieve it once she is up and showered dressed etc in the am - usually works out around 7, as she has to leave quite early on the bus.

Apparently I am the worst person in the world for doing this, but when I question why she always just re-iterates that she doesn't normally use it outside of those hours anyway so I'm being mean for not trusting her. My argument is 1. if that's the case what's the problem, 2. why the hell does the first thing she feel the needs to do be to look at a screen.

I'm sure many of you with younger children would be thinking you'd never even let them have a phone that early in the day, but please, just watch this space....

To all of you out there, am AIBU?

We are a very high tech family - screens galore. My DD’s (now age 18 & 24) have always had a laptop, iPhone and iPad in their rooms for as long as i can remember. Oh and TV’s too. I have never restricted their use of these or access to these. DD1 has a first class degree and DD2 is now at uni. It doesn’t seem to have affected them in the least. At age 14/15 they always knew that they had to be up for school and have all their work completed. This was their responsibility, not mine.

I sleep with my iPhone charging beside my bed and it is the first thing i look at in the morning. I have it on a night setting so it doesn’t disturb me when i am asleep.

I know all families are different and lots of teens are very addicted to social networking but sometimes letting them take a little responsibility can work well.

It's a constant battle and I'm sure you can't be the worst mother out as I'm often told it's me! We have a rule (hard to enforce but trying to get there) that devices have to be downstairs by a certain time, lights off about 15 mins after that.

What's the worst that's going to happen if you let her have it in the room with her when she sleeps - she stays up late? I did that a few times as a teenager and I soon learned that I'd rather not have to zombie through the rest of the next day and was more careful with my phone use. She right though - there probably aren't many of her friends with phone restrictions.

Don't like charging in landing at night, for fore risk tbh. Presumably all access from bedrooms downstairs is via landing

I am 36. I have a job, child, mortgage and all the grown-up stuff, and I'm still quite capable of making myself late in the morning if I start reading something interesting on my phone. When I was a teenager it was books that made me late. I was going to say you are sensible to keep the phone out of reach until she's ready, but I've argued myself out of it - my mum didn't take my books away and I did still make it to school and pass my a-levels. On reflection, I think your compromise is reasonable. She does need to learn to manage this for herself, but keeping it out of the bedroom at night is good for sleep hygiene and fire safety.

I'm with you op and think there need to be restrictions. I'd probably show an effort to compromise a little, but remind her that the reason it's been moved was because she broke the rules. I'd say she has one more chance and leave the phone charging on the landing and maybe allow her to get it a wee bit earlier in the morning. As soon as the rules get broken you revert to the current arrangement. She's then had fair warning. What are your 'weekend rules'? Can you relax them a bit?

I'm totally addicted to my phone.

Technology and the internet and facebook were emerging as I came through university and they definitely made me procrastinate and affected my concentration and grades. BUT now I'm a grown woman who has done well in exams and gone to uni and got a job and profession. I can watch youtube videos as much as I damn well choose.

I would also restrict phone usage on children and teens. I wouldn't charge it overnight (fire risk), but would want it left somewhere overnight NOT in their rooms. The compulsion is too great for most people.

It's nice to learn to read in bed or just think about things or just to go to sleep.

Just because her friends are (allegedly) allowed greater freedom, doesn't mean you're a bad mum for being stricter. I'm with you OP - YANBU - and I would stick to your guns.
There are at least 3 reasons why your policy is a good idea - blue screen, fire hazard and just the sheer unhealthiness of over- dependence on social media.
Stick with it - she will thank you - in about 15 years!

I'm really shocked at how many people seem not to realise that they shouldn't leave phones charging overnight.

I'm 24 and no not snapchat... But MSN, Bebo, MySpace and Facebook were all the rage! Just as accessible from my laptop at the end of my bed :)

I think you're doing the right thing. I must be really mean as I won't let my 12 year old have his phone in his room or play on it at all before school. However, this has been the rule since day 1 and so he's happy (ish?!) with this.

YANBU. One of my biggest parenting regrets is that i didn't do something similar with my DDs.

I'm also in the pick your battles camp, you've got a long road to go yet, boys, booze, staying out times, mines 19 now.

The only thing I would say I've learned through the last few years is that trust and talking to them is a big part of bringing up a responsible adult. So no I never restricted my daughters use, but I did tell her when lights off , talk to her about what my expectations were and more importantly why, listen to her side, and then when we were in agreement let her get on with it, if she'd broken that agreement, then yes, I would have stepped in and inflicted something like this, as she was aware, but it wasn't required.

Rules and boundaries are important, but so is personal responsibility and trust. And you're making it clear to her you simply don't trust her, which leads to negativity in the relationship and teaches no personal responsibility.

Sorry, no, I wouldn't and didn't do it. I think there is better ways.

broken no I didn't realise

But how is it any different from having phones charging in the day? Genuine question.

DD got a phone for her birthday this year in august, mainly because she was starting high school and does alot of after school activities so she could phone when she wanted to be picked up etc. The damn phone is driving me nuts I have managed to stop her keeping her phone in her room overnight though by telling her I don't want her charging it in or outside her room because.. (shows her a video about a girls phone setting fire over night). She now either leaves it downstaires to charge or puts it outside her room early enough for it to charge before she goes to sleep and takes it off charge then leaves it on the landing (I do check).

We have had to do this because we think she's asleep and actually she's on her phone until about 11 or even after if we let her. Then she's like hell in the morning.

I have no issue with my 4 teenagers having their phones with them in bedrooms at night. I trust all of them to go to bed and sleep. I know they all use it as an alarm and I know they all check for messages as soon as they get up.

However if SOMEONE could get through to dh's head that every time he wakes up in the middle of the night is NOT A GOOD TIME to be checking his phone I would be more than happy.. It drives me CRAZY.

ALL her friends message each other until 11
My DD (15)'s friends message until the early hours Luckily she self regulates and leaves her phone downstairs so she doesn't get disturbed (she likes her sleep). This hasn't made her a social outcast yet
I think you are doing the right thing tactum

No I get what you mean OP.

We have 5DC,3 teens in the house DS18,DS15 and DD13 and oh my God if a mobile is taken away as a punishment for bad behavior our 15 year old and 13 year old act like they're world has ended,I'm so glad there were no mobiles when I was growing up!

DS15 is the worst one for his phone in the morning before school but he still does manage to get ready on time for school,DD13 spends a large chunk of the morning doing her hair(the one saving grace is it does look lovely when she leaves the house)so she doesn't really touch her phone from when she gets up at 7am until she gets in the car at about 8am.

I wish people weren't so obsessed with they're phones,we've had numerous people walk in front of our car(whilst we've been driving and have our 5DC in the car)because they were to busy looking at they're phones and they've all been adults so I can understand this obsession that teenagers now have with they're mobiles.

Just watch she's not collecting it at 3am and you, half asleep, think it's 6:30. Bitter experience with zombie teen next day.

I've got a fabulous app called OurPact. You sync it with your kids' devices and it can schedule shutdowns. So my three their tablets shut down 5 mins after bedtime and won't work again until morning. DS1's phone is the same.

I can also remotely shut them down as a timed consequence for bad behaviour. I love it.

Forgot to say we've had no issues with them charging they're phones downstairs they know that's what they have to do.

There's no way our DC could charge they're phones in they're rooms especially DD13 because(I have no idea how her friends get up in the morning)her phone would go off all through the night and she likes her sleep.

Well first off you are about as far away from being the worst mum in the world as it's possible to be! It sounds like you have your daughter's bestg interests at heart.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I will say that I now wish my parents had set more boundaries for me and been more strict. I would have had easier, healthier and safer teenager years if they had.

Those of you saying it's harsh on a 14 year-old, how would the rules even bother the 14 year-old unless they were planning to use the phone during the night? And who wants their 14 year-old to be on their phone in the night? Totally YANBU OP. My dd is 11 and got her first phone in September. Thankfully she doesn't seem glued to it at all (in fact she often can't remember where in the house she left it and forgets to charge it).

I think your amended strategy is spot on, OP.

I had similar with my son when he was 15, although it was the laptop and not his phone. Originally he used to play videos on YouTube to help him calm anxiety and fall asleep. However he would then end up playing different videos, reading the comments (NEVER read comments on YouTube!), and getting into arguments with people online, with the end result that I would have the devil's own job getting him up in the mornings.

I ended up taking his laptop away every night at 10pm and it stayed in my bedroom overnight.

I think you are right. Don't be swayed. You are the adult after all, she is still a child and you are doing this for good reasons.