AIBU - apparently I'm the worst mum in the world!!

[tactum]

and the strictest and everything else you can think of!!

DD (just 14) has obv got an iphone which she is very very attached to - apart from homework time, mealtimes and other such stuff. I used to let her leave it on the landing to charge over night - never in her bedroom - which apparently made me the devil incarnate already because NO ONE else's parents EVER restrict their phone usage day or night and everyone else sleeps with their head practically on them. However we have had a couple of occasions where 1 of us has got up early or we have been aware of her moving around early and she has nabbed it - talking pre 6.15 am.

So now my rule is it charges overnight in our bedroom no debate. She goes to bed around 9.45 pm and she can come and retrieve it once she is up and showered dressed etc in the am - usually works out around 7, as she has to leave quite early on the bus.

Apparently I am the worst person in the world for doing this, but when I question why she always just re-iterates that she doesn't normally use it outside of those hours anyway so I'm being mean for not trusting her. My argument is 1. if that's the case what's the problem, 2. why the hell does the first thing she feel the needs to do be to look at a screen.

I'm sure many of you with younger children would be thinking you'd never even let them have a phone that early in the day, but please, just watch this space....

To all of you out there, am AIBU?

Genuine that's what's wrong with the world, lots and lots of brain damage from sleeping with your phone.

YANBU at all op. It's perfectly sensible to take phones away at night.

Teenagers need to learn to self regulate, true. But I'd prefer to let them try at something less high-stakes. Sleep is so so important at this age - for growth, brain development, mental health, education. I'm not prepared to allow them to risk all that.

There is plenty of evidence that phones are detrimental to sleep. Plenty of adults too who ignore that, but that's their choice.

Too many parents who want to be a friend first and a parent second, imo.

I do think there is a lot of hysteria on this thread and double standards. There is no evidence to say that if you sleep next to your phone you will turn into a lazy, good for nothing scumbag! Lighten-up peeps.

Has anyone explained yet why phones on charge at night are more likely to catch fire than phones charged during the day?

Coffee I have been pondering this too. I have never heard of an iPhone going on fire when charging - ever. As a family we have 5 iPhones between us and there has never been an issue charging them. I sleep with my phone and my iPad next to my bed and often charge them both through the night. I have never been set on fire and i still appear to have good cognitive functioning. Oh, and i sleep well too.

No just unattended phones... although you probably wouldn't leave a phone on all day.

Like people put washing machines on and leaving the house or going to bed, put driers on and leave them to it. Just reckless carelessness. It does the boggle in.

coffee I think it's more that when you're asleep you won't realise and therefore aren't able to respond to a fire, whereas during the day you're obviously conscious and able to deal with it. Having said that, I'm the world's worst culprit as my phone charges next to the bed at night...

For me it's more about the temptation for teenagers to communicate at all hours of the day and night. Having had to deal with a grumpy stepdaughter who has been up on her phone all night, it makes sense to me to put some restrictions in place. Depends entirely on the teenager though and their ability to self moderate... mine is pretty rubbish.

It's a tough one... I was always allowed my phone - I got some pretty good GCSEs... I would let her have it, but I'd put it on charge (so I'd go in and get it) at a set time. She can then have it when she wakes up.

I'd go in and collect it at 11 pm.

I'm the worst offender. But I'm an adult. All 4 of ours have the same rule. Used to change downstairs but like you noticed they'd gone and some sneaky use while getting up too. Now got more strict again. Boring

We don't let our 15 year old have his phone in his bedroom at night, but then neither do DH or I - never knew it was a fire risk to leave phones charging over night? .

I have also read that having your phone in your bedroom affects your quality of sleep.

I put on my washing machine/tumble drier/dishwasher and leave the house on pretty much a daily basis. I also charge things all day/night. I would never get anything done if i hung around in the house while they did their stuff.

Has anyone explained yet why phones on charge at night are more likely to catch fire than phones charged during the day?

Because during the day they aren't on charge for 8 hours without being checked.
Because if you're asleep and a fire starts it will take you longer to respond and it's harder to get out.

My DH is a firefighter and he's been to several fires that have been found to have been caused by mobile phone chargers left switched on overnight.

The biggest problem seems to be that people leave them charging under their pillow, the battery heats up and starts a fire. Or people using their phone in bed, and falling asleep without putting the phone away.

Another major issue is people using dodgy chargers. An official iPhone USB cable/power adapter costs about £20 when bought directly from Apple but many people won't pay that when you can buy ones online for less than half of that. The cheaper ones can often be dodgy as hell as they're not always made to proper, safe standards.

There was a pretty hard hitting ad campaign up here in Scotland a few years ago about why you should never, ever leave things switched on when you're out or asleep.

I cannot entirely trust myself not to lose track of time and to suddenly realise it is long past my optimum bed time.
The light from devices affects sleep also.
I think your rules are sensible OP. You caught your DD using the phone early contrary to instructions and cannot guarantee she won't use the phone at night after you've retired for the night.
Charge it safely downstairs near a smoke detector and she can retrieve it after she's up and about.
My retort to allegations that friends' parents allowed their children to do what I would not allow was "Maybe their parents don't love them as much as I love you." End of story.
Parental responsibility for the welfare of our children does not cease at age 12 or 14 even though it might be easier to lift all the rules. We also have the responsibility to protect these children and other household members from foreseeable harm --- and charging phones in bedroom at night carries undeniable risks.

BTW, in my experience my iPhone gets very hot if just left for a while on a pillow, irrespective of whether it is charging. Less than 12 months old. Quite ok on other surfaces.

I plugged my mobile into a cheap charger recently and within seconds felt the wire getting hot on my leg. DH quickly unplugged it for me, but it got very hot, very quickly and had started to smoke. I was lucky it didn't burn me or explode the battery.

Lesson learned- no cheap chargers and no phones charging on beds or other furniture, we put them on worktops only and I switch them all off when I go to bed then back on in the morning for a boost.

In our house all bedrooms (including mine and dh's) are device-free zones. WiFi goes off at 9pm, resumes at 6am. Kids don't seem to mind because it's the same rule for everyone. Lots of their friends message late at night and these are 9/10/11 year olds I'm talking about. Each to their own but I make no apologies for having strict rules.

Each young person is different, when my DS was about that age we tried leaving him with his phone in his room but he was unable to restrict his use himself, basically he was on it all night, only to fall into exhausted sleep in the very early hours and then was an absolute nightmare to get up in the morning for school and was so tired during the day it was affecting his school work.
We tried just leaving him to get himself up but he wouldn't and we were getting calls from the school.
After several warnings we took his phone from him at bedtime on school nights, cue enormous battles at first, we were the worst parents ever and he was going to phone Childline and then he would run away from home etc etc.
He settled down after a while and we continued where he could have the phone overnight at the weekends and during the holidays but not when he had school the next day. He left school at age 16 and then it was up to him to get himself up for work and not fall asleep while he was there

We are having this fight with DSS and DSD.

They went to bed early sometimes and asked if they could use their ipods in bed for an hour then bring them down before sleeping. This was fine. But then they started falling asleep with them on charge and in bed with them. So we said no more to this. Chargers and ipods downstairs and they can retrieve them in the morning. Then they started sneaking down to get them and (again) plugging them in and falling asleep with them.

So now the ipods reside in our room and we are evil horrible people for doing it. But they had their chance...

YANBU.

All the science says children (and adults) should be away from screens before bed as the light interferes with their sleep. My 15 yo ds can't be trusted and has proven that a number of times so his wifi goes off at 9 and all devices are taken from his room at night. He gets it from downstairs once he's up, but no wifi before 7.

I think you know your DD best, and you know what works best. My DS is 15 and has to put his iPhone on charge downstairs at 9.30 on school nights, we had issues with him abusing our trust when left to his own devices. Time runs away with them or they get distracted, so no, YANBU. Do what works for you.

I 100% agree with OP. I am currently trying to cut my own phone usage. Steve Jobs restricted screen time for his own children to 1 hour per day I think... Or was it per week! Will try and find article. Overuse of technology is is damaging for developing brain.

nyti.ms/1qMfdln
Steve Jobs was a low tech parent.

My mother pulled this shit when I was 15. What you have to understand is taking her phone (where she can message friends, keep her social media, her music and allsorts) is just dictating her life. She's 14 - of course she wants to be on her phone!

This will cause resentment and sneaking around I guarantee you. My mother thought she was being clever taking my charger away so I couldn't be on my phone... I used to just wait till she went to bed and use my USB and playstation.

To her it just seems like you don't trust her and being spiteful. She will end up not trusting you, not telling you things through dear of overreacting consequences.
She's not a child anymore... heck in 2 years she could legally have a baby on the way! Just let her have her bloody phone.

I am designated safeguarding lead in a secondary school and the things I have seen on teenagers phones never cease to horrify and sadden me. Perfectly lovely children are sharing images and pornography indiscriminately. Usually between the hours of ten and three in the morning. So for this reason, as well as the sleep disturbance, phones will always stay downstairs in my house!