AIBU - apparently I'm the worst mum in the world!!

[tactum]

and the strictest and everything else you can think of!!

DD (just 14) has obv got an iphone which she is very very attached to - apart from homework time, mealtimes and other such stuff. I used to let her leave it on the landing to charge over night - never in her bedroom - which apparently made me the devil incarnate already because NO ONE else's parents EVER restrict their phone usage day or night and everyone else sleeps with their head practically on them. However we have had a couple of occasions where 1 of us has got up early or we have been aware of her moving around early and she has nabbed it - talking pre 6.15 am.

So now my rule is it charges overnight in our bedroom no debate. She goes to bed around 9.45 pm and she can come and retrieve it once she is up and showered dressed etc in the am - usually works out around 7, as she has to leave quite early on the bus.

Apparently I am the worst person in the world for doing this, but when I question why she always just re-iterates that she doesn't normally use it outside of those hours anyway so I'm being mean for not trusting her. My argument is 1. if that's the case what's the problem, 2. why the hell does the first thing she feel the needs to do be to look at a screen.

I'm sure many of you with younger children would be thinking you'd never even let them have a phone that early in the day, but please, just watch this space....

To all of you out there, am AIBU?

OP, i think what you are doing is fine.
My DD is 12, phone is not allowed at school (school rules, which we agree with), not allowed it in the bedroom, not allowed it until h/w is done, and no social media. She uses to stay in touch with family abroad (whatsapp) and text friends, and she plays games on it, but max. 2 hours a day - she actually doesnt even use it for that long anyway. She is still so young, she has her whole life to worry about screens!

You are far from 'The Worlds Worst Mum'™ It's natural for teenagers to push boundaries, we've all done it. That doesn't mean you can't set ground rules inn your own house.
It gets more difficult before it gets easier (sorry) next it will be arguments about Staying out late, overnighters and boyfriends, it's as if we haven't been there and don't know what they're doing.
Always trust your own instincts, you know your daughter better than anyone else and as long as you set rules with your daughers best interests at heart then you won't go wrong.

OP, I have always done that with my DS after I woke up one night, quite late in the night to hear the sounds coming from his room. He struggled to get up in the morning to prepare fir school, making us all late as he has to shower first. So made a decision that the phone stays with me after 2230. It works perfectly for us and sleep has improved!
So keep doing what you are doing, it will pay off!

It's recommended you don't have mobiles iPads in bedroom because of interruption in sleep but I wouldn't want to leave anything charging overnight so it is a problem maybe charge it earlier and leave in school bag ready for morning

I have set a 8pm curfew for technology. I am having trouble with my DD 13 using her iphone, sister's tablet, family laptop ... basically anything she can get her hands on and be up until crazy o'clock and then not being able to wake her. She is also suffering from headaches and stomache complaints and can't see the correlation between her actions.

A friend has recommended this to me screentimelabs.com/

I am going to give it a go. Good luck with whatever strategy you decide to use.

She's playing you. It's a phone - they're not good for any of us and she's proven she'll take it in the night. She's 14 not 18 so you're doing the right thing! I wish someone took mine between 9-6! So addictive haha

Also - I've never heard a phone charging overnight being a fire hazard!? Can someone fill me in?

However, I do agree that overnight charging is a fire risk! So you would need to find a way of managing the battery life

Been there Tactum, I was worst mother in the world, should be an acronym on Mumsnet. But talk to her, understand that maybe the majority of her friends have mums who have given in, and try to compromise. You are right to be thinking what is best for her, especially as it impacts on sleep and a great deal of bullying happens via texts throughout the night. But the main thing is talk, empathise and really understand why it's an issue.

We relaxed the rules a little at 15. High fives all round. Next thing we knew was the proud 15 year old bleary eyed at 4am. Tired and thumping headache next day. Apparently there was no connection to the 4am sessions. Phone downstairs at night and all the usual online teenage haunts blocked after 10pm so it is useless should he sneak it upstairs at 4.

apringle- it is a fire risk due to risk of overheating, either of device or charger! I did a fire training recently and the man could not emphasise it enough!

I think if your teenager never utters the immortal words 'you are the worlds worse mother' or 'but everyone else is doing it' then you're doing something wrong

I haven't read the full thread here - but this is something I am quite passionate about. Kids ( yes 14 year olds are kids) need to be taught how to relax and switch off. What I mean by this is, things have changed so much since we were growing up, now there is a constant stream of media, photos and chats... there is no down time for their brains to rest and reset.
Life can stop at your front door and it should. How many times have you gotten caught up in an arguement or disagreement with someone, then after you have cooled off felt better/ apologised/ or thought of a different view point?
With these phones / laptops iPads / you are never free. They beep, flash and demand attention.
We need to help guide them - is it really the end of the world to set up a charging station downstairs and put everyone's phone there as they head for bed? Set a good example.
Switch off. The world will revolve whilst you sleep! 🙂

I don't think your being unreasonable OP. I'm the worst mum in the world also, because I don't let my 2 boys take their phones with them when we go to friends' houses for dinner etc. I just think they've got to stop being so dependent on them and thinking the world will end if they don't look at their phones.

We have to make sure my 13 yo hands his phone in at bedtime for the same reasons. Every time we relax we catch him playing it and end up with a tired grumpy child the next day.
So if you're the worst mum in the world, I'm there with you

Oh wow! Scary! I'm unplugging chargers around the house now!

I'm a bit obsessed with turning stuff off. All sockets go off at the wall. Just fridge and freezer left on. Plus a few bedside clocks. I don't leave TVs on standby either. Not just for fire hazard but to cut bills. I'm probably a mad woman but I don't care 😜

Have you seen those fires from chargers? Don't let her charge it in her room! I would reconsider charging it in your room too???

I think it's a good rule to have. I'm in my 30's and should have this rule for myself! Might stop me reading mumsnet all bloody hours then 😖 Shes 14 so u cud gradually let her have it a bit longer so she learns some self control with it? Otherwise might be a shock when she hits 16 or whatever age ur planning on letting her have it over night. Maybe start allowing her on non school nights and see how it goes if she's tired then next day then u know she ain't ready and needs more time if she's fine then U cud allow it and show that ur trusting her. Defo not worse mum tho u care about her and want her to do well at school! She won't appreciate this tho until she has a family of her own x

I have a 13 year old, he doesn't HAVE a phone because he lost it, and he is not allowed anything with a screen when he is in bed. He is also in bed for 9.30.

She is not hard done to and you are perfectly normal horrible parents who are ruining her LIFE!!!

Hi there, I think a lot of in my mind 'bad parents' do not do this. Which I think is awful. Our children could be being groomed by a peado on a present we as parents have given them. To start with I don't abu. I have had this problem with my son nearly 15 . To the point where I took it off him completely. This then got me thinking in 2 years he might have a part time job and buy one his self. After a few months we built up a trust and now I do trust him with it in his room . This trust had taken a long time to build up and he knows if he breaks it I will dispose of his iphone completely. I do however do random spot checks and look threw everything. I no some people think that is wrong but I feel that we as parents must do this, in order to teach our children about being online and mostly to protect them. I always tell him ot has taken a long time to build up this wall of trust but it only takes a second to smash it down. I hope this helps good luck.

I am with you op. I take dd's (14) phone off her at 10pm and she gets it back when she wakes next morning. She is a poor sleeper and when I looked at her phone usage she was using it when she woke in the night. She has an old iPod she can use to listen music to to help her get back to sleep.

I have a DD of 14yrs old our routine is the same as yours, phone charging on the landing at night,turn of at 9.45, if I let DD have her phone in her room the temptation to use it is to great, it's not made me popular but then you have to have some boundaries, I think I'm pretty relaxed about other things but she's 14 not 18.

I too am a terrible mother 😄 everyones (adult and child) phone is charged in the kitchen on a non-flammable surface next to the smoke alarm! My teen is sensible but there is so much pressure to show who is up late and young love ;) Phones may be collected when awake but the mum taxi leaves at 8 with or without occupants 😂 IMHO teens will always push the boundaries ..my reply is I love them enough to have boundaries...if it matters to you then be strong..there is always the child who stays up until 12, plays 18 games etc!

My 15 year old daughter has to leave her phone downstairs at 9pm. She gets in it the morning to play music on when getting ready for school. To me, it is common sense.
There used to be lots of protests about it. When I found her sneaking her phone into her room in the early days, I just confiscated it for a week. It's not harsh, it's just parenting, not a popularity contest.