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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - apparently I'm the worst mum in the world!!

247 replies

tactum · 22/11/2016 23:35

and the strictest and everything else you can think of!!

DD (just 14) has obv got an iphone which she is very very attached to - apart from homework time, mealtimes and other such stuff. I used to let her leave it on the landing to charge over night - never in her bedroom - which apparently made me the devil incarnate already because NO ONE else's parents EVER restrict their phone usage day or night and everyone else sleeps with their head practically on them. However we have had a couple of occasions where 1 of us has got up early or we have been aware of her moving around early and she has nabbed it - talking pre 6.15 am.

So now my rule is it charges overnight in our bedroom no debate. She goes to bed around 9.45 pm and she can come and retrieve it once she is up and showered dressed etc in the am - usually works out around 7, as she has to leave quite early on the bus.

Apparently I am the worst person in the world for doing this, but when I question why she always just re-iterates that she doesn't normally use it outside of those hours anyway so I'm being mean for not trusting her. My argument is 1. if that's the case what's the problem, 2. why the hell does the first thing she feel the needs to do be to look at a screen.

I'm sure many of you with younger children would be thinking you'd never even let them have a phone that early in the day, but please, just watch this space....

To all of you out there, am AIBU?

OP posts:

40somethingwonderful · 23/11/2016 06:42

Yanbu

Wriggler79 · 23/11/2016 06:43

Sleep-wise - you can get free apps that reduce blue light and can be set at different levels for night time viewing. I have Twilight on my S6, it turns on around evening time and can be turned off if I'm not ready for it. I can honestly say it has helped with my sleep to reduce blue light before I drop off (should really put the thing away!).

Nataleejah · 23/11/2016 06:59

Yanbu to not let her have it at nights, but YABVU about this
2. why the hell does the first thing she feel the needs to do be to look at a screen.
I always check my phone/news/email/facebook first thing. Not exactly important, but doesn't hurt anyone either.

LouBlue1507 · 23/11/2016 07:08

I really don't understand the whole 'restricting screen time' that seems to be the new parenting craze!
At 14 your child is old enough to manage their own sleep, homework etc and deal with the consequences if she loses sleep or doesn't complete homework. When will they learn to self regulate with you taking charge of everything?

At 11 I had a mobile phone, TV, desktop/laptop etc all in my room, my parents didn't ever restrict it (unless I was cheeky).
I would use my phone as an alarm, wake up and get ready for school and catch the bus all without needed any input from my mum. I was responsible for my homework and I did it most of the time because I hates detentions!

Sheepersfluff · 23/11/2016 07:13

Id be more worried about leaving her phone to charge overnight. That's a massive fire hazard!

Is it? Doesn't everyone do this?

Can't get worked up about this tbh. I always had my phone next to me as a teenager and I have not been left scarred or stupid by the experience.

Sheepersfluff · 23/11/2016 07:15

Lou

I agree.

This parents controlling all aspects of their teenagers lives thing seems to be a modern thing. I work in a university and the amount of students who come to is who are unable to keep themselves organised because they are used to have a parent standing over them micro managing is astounding.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/11/2016 07:22

I'd take it off her for her attitude but it is not a good idea to sleep with a device under your pillow. My eleven year old has to give me all his screens at 7 as he's proved time and again he can't be trusted and we've just had parents evening... My 13 and 15 year olds do what they want.

Original poster

tactum · 23/11/2016 07:28

OK thanks for comments, very varied n have taken them on board. Compromise already agreed is that she can get her phone at 6.30 as soon as she wakes n have 10 mins slobbing in bed before she gets up - as some pointed out this may resemble my morning activity!!

But I am going to stand firm on the no overnight rule - I am simply not convinced she would be able to resist the urge to check in the middle of the night so as the parent I feel within my rights to remove that temptation.

Just as also, as a parent it is my role to sometimes set other boundaries. Contrary to how I may come across I am a pretty lenient parent - as long as grades are good and a contribution is made to chores round the house they do have pretty much free rein.

And against what has also been suggested, she is completely responsible for managing her own homework, uniform, timetable etc and is a very sensible, independent capable girl.

But thank you all and I shall look forward to the next few years chucking up many such challenges!! In retrospect toilet training and toddler tantrums look pretty straightforward!!

OP posts:

ticklemyonewhisker · 23/11/2016 07:29

I would do this. Good on you. Too many soft parents around.

llangennith · 23/11/2016 07:30

Agree totally with your overnight rule. Most parents I know do the same.

Limitededition7inch · 23/11/2016 07:30

Loublue the difference between technology nowadays and then is pretty obvious, I presume you would have had dial up internet (slow) and a pay as you go? It's unrelenting now. You can teach them to self-regulate and be independent in so many other ways. I don't agree with micromanaging university open day visits, or not allowing them into cities/abroad on own (both of which I've seen here recently). But I do agree with managing something that can be detrimental to their well-being.

How is limiting phone use any different from limiting other things? I dont think any parent would allow their kids unlimited access to junk food, or allow them to watch TV all night.

Limitededition7inch · 23/11/2016 07:31

Okay, many parents

ticklemyonewhisker · 23/11/2016 07:32

We all used to manage without mobiles just fine -- does anyone remember this? I think it's sad if you don't.

I think people need to get a grip and realise we don't NEED our mobiles as much as we think we do.

PoppyFleur · 23/11/2016 07:36

Sheepers I went to university 24 years ago and was surrounded by many students who couldn't organise their way out of a paper bag. Disorganisation is hardly the result of modern parenting.

OP I work in the high tech sector where ubiquitous technology and a status of 'always on' has become the norm. It has a detrimental impact on the personal lives of employees and their ability to perform. Many check their phones obsessively at all hours however this has not driven up productivity but merely robbed them of sleep.

I think your stance is incredibly sensible. It's not a blanket ban on technology but a respite for a few hours so your teenager can sleep.

ticklemyonewhisker · 23/11/2016 07:36

"Do you wait to look at your phone until you're ready to leave the house?"
Iamnotacat she is a child, let's get some perspective here.

I don't want my daughters to be slaves to their phones. Taking away that choice of being able to check it in the night is a good thing. If their friends ask why they didn't respond they have the safety net of saying mum took it from them. This way they can save face and minimise social pressures.

HateMrTumble · 23/11/2016 07:38

She's 14...

LouBlue1507 · 23/11/2016 07:43

In relatively young so did have wi-fi and access to a TV, phone, social media all night if I wanted. But I didn't most of the time Some times I did stay awake most of the night but soon learnt not too!

Mammylamb · 23/11/2016 07:45

Hi, a little bit off topic, but isn't it dangerous to leave phones charge overnight (wherever they are charged) due to the fire risk

sijjy · 23/11/2016 07:46

When my dd was 15. We took her phone off her at 10pm. Having her phone was seriously effecting her sleep. She wasn't going to sleep until 2am or later was once 5am when she has to be up at 6:30 for school.
We had all the none of my friends parents do this and we were the worst parents in the world. If you think it's effecting her sleep I think your doing the right thing.
We have recently stopped doing this with dd as she is 16 now. I went to wake her this morning and she was asleep on her laminate flooring still fully dressed. Next to the plug socket her phone was charging in.

Limitededition7inch · 23/11/2016 07:47

But how young is relatively young? Young enough for Snapchat, Instagram, bullying site Ask.fm and Whatsapp to be an integral part of your life? Thought not otherwise you'd now be about 16. My point is that there are so many forms of social media that you could be on 4 or 5 all night nowadays. Not even comparable, and I say that as someone who has had Facebook since 2006 and had a phone from the age of 13, so I'm hardly technology averse.

facebookrecruit · 23/11/2016 07:56

No OP you are not BU. My DD is in year 11 and has to be told to put her phone on the landing at about 11pm on school nights. This was after many times of me saying turn it off at a decent time and waking up to see she'd been active on FB on 3am. If you think she will do this you have every right to enforce your rule because it's you who has to deal with a knackered stroppy teenager

Sheepersfluff · 23/11/2016 07:56

poppy it's not disorganisation so much as lack of independence.

Sheepersfluff · 23/11/2016 07:57

mammy when are you meant to charge your phone then

Hoppinggreen · 23/11/2016 07:59

I'm sorry but you cannot be the worst mum in the world because I am!!
DD gets her phone taken away at 9 during the week and 10 at weekends but apparently ALL her friends message each other until 11 and if they message her and she doesn't reply they think she's DEAD or fallen out with them and everyone will hate her.

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 23/11/2016 07:59

Yab perfectly reasonable with your limits. She is trying to to get her way, that's all.

Yabu however because I am the worst mum in the world- said by my DD who is 6 and knows everything

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