To want one bloody day with my family

[Chamonix1]

Christmas Day we are spending alone (me, dh and dd) because in laws chose to have friends over for Xmas so won't come to ours, Boxing Day spent at in laws, and the day after Boxing Day was meant to be the day we spend with my side of the family.
We have a big family, and traditionally get together all the Aunties, cousins and their children either in someone's house or a local hall. This year we are having it in a local hall to us.
We have had a very very strained and rocky relationship with in laws, mil is toxic and fil just goes with it for an easy life.
Anyway, mil asked to take dd overnight on Boxing Day, we declined and said we wanted to take dd home, plus we had lots of food to sort out for my family get together.
Mil simply asks why she can't come.
Sigh.
Told her she could but she will probably be the only person other than fil there that aren't from my side of the family.
She knows I wouldn't want her there and doesn't care. We are spending all day Boxing Day at their house, regardless of being told we are dirty and therefore unwelcome in the past and to be honest I just wanted 1 bloody day with people I love without watching my mil "socialise" with those worthy of her time i.e.: one particular set of Aunty and uncle she's been obsessed with being close with from the word go purely because her son spends time with them out of choice.
It sounds petty, now I've written it all down but I feel for someone who describes herself as "delicate" straight up inviting yourself along to a family gathering when you're seeing your son and his family the day before anyway is just rude, especially considering the poor relationship she has with her son.
I now don't want to go and am feeling like I will never enjoy a get together of any sort again as she refuses to be left out.
Tell me to get a grip

YOUR Mil.

mickey great advice.

"YOU HAVE expressed the wish that our MIL does not come to a party she is not invited to,"

Yup, it shouldn't mean anything to anyone.

MIL shouldn't be asking, you should be able to laugh & say that if they're not invited then that's that!

You soundlike you have self esteam isues as well as assertiveness or boundary issues.

Please do get help, you can do it.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/#.WDWhrfmLSUk

Learn to be assertive
When you don't like yourself, it's easy to assume others won't like you either. You may find you go out of your way to help others as you feel it's the only way they'll like you. It can make you feel even worse if this help isn't reciprocated.

A good deed is great but over stretching yourself to please others can leave you with less energy to focus on yourself and can affect your mental health.

You could try the following to increase your confidence:

learn to say "no" - take a breath before automatically agreeing to do something you don't want to
set boundaries around how much you do for other people
take control of your own decisions
At first you might find it difficult to break these habits but making small changes to be more assertive can feel liberating and gets easier the more you do it.

The organisation Mind Tools provide further tips on assertiveness on their website.

Read Kate's blog on how joining a women’s boxing club has increased her confidence and helped her to fight prejudice.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/peace-prejudice-and-pugilism/#.WDWi1fmLSUk

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/changepower/201210/speak-18-all-purpose-assertive-phrases

All of the statements below are basic assertions--short statements that communicate a quick “no” or “yes” to the other person. (For an instant course in Assertiveness 101, see this blog.) Although basic assertions could come across as overly business-like or brusque, they don’t violate the other person’s rights or disrespect him or her. Assuming you use a firm, respectful tone of voice and appropriate body language, no one will mistake you for Doc Martin.

Each statement below briefly acknowledges the other person, then proceeds to a statement of your own wants, feelings, or ideas. These are conversation-enders--a fast way to save you time, money, and/or self-respect.

The following basic assertions could be described as "thanks, but..." statements:

“Thanks, but I’m not interested.”
“Thanks, but I can’t make that a priority right now.”
“Thanks, but I need some time to myself right now."
"Thanks, but no thanks." (A classic!)
“No thanks.” As reader Kristie pointed out in "Comments" on the previous blog, it’s not necessary to give a reason—only a smile.
Slightly more empathic are these more elaborate "thanks, but..." statements:

"Thanks for thinking of me, but I think I'll pass on this one."
"Thanks for keeping me in the loop, but I can't make it this time."
"Thank you for sharing, but I'd like to hear from other people in the group."
“I appreciate that you enjoy doing ___, but it’s really not my scene.” (Thanks to reader TT for this cool phrase!)
Notice that the phrase, "Thanks, but..." could be used to provide a dash of empathy before almost any assertive statement.

Statements that can buy you a little time include these:

"I'll think about it and get back to you."
"I just don't know. Mind if I think about it for a while?"
"This is so important, and I can't give it the time it deserves right now. Can we make an appointment to talk?"
Then there are brief “I” statements—a sharing of your thoughts, feelings, wants, or opinions:

“I didn’t appreciate (what you did, your tone of voice).”
“I appreciated .” (Yes, assertiveness can be used to express your positive feelings in a situation.)
“I disagree with you. I see the situation this way.”
“I would like you to respect my point of view.”
"I feel offended by your remark."

Must go and do some work.

I hope I am not coming across as bossy! You do what you want OP, but I do hope you and your dh can have an honest chat about how much this affecting you.

If you mil gets an invite from your Aunty to this party, then don't see her on Boxing day - spend that time doing what you want, even if its sitting inside enjoying your DD's Christmas, or Spending time with family you may not be able to on party day.

I think - although I could be wrong - your issues with assertiveness comes from your mother being a people pleaser herself.

Is this how you want your DD to be when she may(hopefully not) have issues with her DH/DP/MIL?

Sorry- I didn't mean to sound over the top. I'm not having a breakdown over this don't worry, it's just wearing and makes me anxious waiting for a fall out. I doubt myself A LOT and don't want people to think I'm being manipulative (more importantly don't want to actually be manipulative!) and when someone flagged up that I was being and thought I was being unfair in made me think all over again.
Yes, issues with assertiveness 100% due to my mil being a people pleaser! When i discussed my concerns last night to my mum re this family gathering and mil she told me "I would offend them" this was after me sat there almost in tears saying I just wanted 1 day and my mil makes me feel anxious and uneasy, I told my mum her people pleasing wasn't healthy and a major part of why I tolerate too much crap in the first place- she just wobbled her head and drank her tea, not one for acknowledging issues!
I'll probably seek some counselling as I'm aware I need to get a grip and be more self assure more than anything.
I relate to the post about giving too much and it making you feel like shit when it's not acknowledged, that's me on a weekly basis.
As pointed out before by someone else, this is more than a family party issue it's my issues, dh's issues, my il's issues and my daughters welfare! I can only tackle two of those things so I will somehow find time to work on that.
Thanks for all the advise

Mother being a people pleaser not mil*

If your ghastly MIL rings you crowing that she has been invited by your auntie, tell her that only she would be delighted to have an invitation that she had to force someone into making because she was not wanted at the "do". Remind her that when people are welcome they don't have to angle for invitations, and that after she leaves everyone's sole topic of conversation will be what an ignorant ill-mannered witch she is.

2kids
I'm sure that'd go down a treat!

That is great op. Counselling will do you the world of good. In the meantime practice Italiangreyhounds one liners and just leave the room if they keep badgering you.
This won't be a quick fix but persevere knowing that you will teach your daughter just as your mother has taught you. However you will be teaching her to know her own worth and not to constantly seek outside validation to the detriment of herself.
Unfortunately a lot of us have been taught to put others before ourselves and we have to retrain ourselves not to think like that. You are not alone.

Yes - I am famed for my tact and diplomacy.

I don't now why I haven't been invited to be Britain's representative at the UN ()

Chamonix "I doubt myself A LOT and don't want people to think I'm being manipulative (more importantly don't want to actually be manipulative!) and when someone flagged up that I was being and thought I was being unfair in made me think all over again."

I have no idea how that poster took that from what you said!

" I told my mum her people pleasing wasn't healthy and a major part of why I tolerate too much crap in the first place" This may well be true but now, as an adult, it is up to YOU to break the cycle and not pass it on to your own dd. This may not be easy, get help. Find a charity, like Mind which works in mental health, and get some advice and guidance.

Assertiveness is not aggression, it is being honest, putting your own needs or those of your loved ones over the situation in hand when it might be easier' or simpler' to take the path of least resistance and actually take the path you want to go down or which you know to be best all all round/best for you/best for your loved ones. It is probably a whole lot more. IMHO it might involve being blunt, but before you get to blunt I think you need to get to honest in a kind but firm voice!

You aren't being a twat btw your mil is for trying to invite herself someplace she has no business being.

Stay strong, you can do this.

2kids are you me???? I got called a rottweiler the other day then it was changed because rottweilers are more diplomatic apparently

Farmmummy

We could be twins separated at birth. I was told that the difference between me and a rottweiler was that a rottweiler would eventually let go.