To want one bloody day with my family

[Chamonix1]

Christmas Day we are spending alone (me, dh and dd) because in laws chose to have friends over for Xmas so won't come to ours, Boxing Day spent at in laws, and the day after Boxing Day was meant to be the day we spend with my side of the family.
We have a big family, and traditionally get together all the Aunties, cousins and their children either in someone's house or a local hall. This year we are having it in a local hall to us.
We have had a very very strained and rocky relationship with in laws, mil is toxic and fil just goes with it for an easy life.
Anyway, mil asked to take dd overnight on Boxing Day, we declined and said we wanted to take dd home, plus we had lots of food to sort out for my family get together.
Mil simply asks why she can't come.
Sigh.
Told her she could but she will probably be the only person other than fil there that aren't from my side of the family.
She knows I wouldn't want her there and doesn't care. We are spending all day Boxing Day at their house, regardless of being told we are dirty and therefore unwelcome in the past and to be honest I just wanted 1 bloody day with people I love without watching my mil "socialise" with those worthy of her time i.e.: one particular set of Aunty and uncle she's been obsessed with being close with from the word go purely because her son spends time with them out of choice.
It sounds petty, now I've written it all down but I feel for someone who describes herself as "delicate" straight up inviting yourself along to a family gathering when you're seeing your son and his family the day before anyway is just rude, especially considering the poor relationship she has with her son.
I now don't want to go and am feeling like I will never enjoy a get together of any sort again as she refuses to be left out.
Tell me to get a grip

Acrossthepond
If I told IL's sorry I'm not hosting, not up to me, they'd ask who is, ask me to get hold of them and ask and that it's only 2 extra.
They back me into a corner so much it's impossible to say no.
Basically have to be brutally honest and say "I just don't want you there" for them to back off and then it's tears and arguments

hmmmm. I'm betting 3 phonecalls, message left on third followed by 2 emails followed by visit from FIL resulting in no chamonix on boxing day.

We have cut off all contact with my mother because of her toxic, controlling behaviour. Your MIL sounds scarily similar. Tell your DH to tell them that you are already seeing them on Boxing Day, which is more part of the festivities anyway, and as your family can only get together the day after it should be only them there as has been requested.

If they are funny about it on Boxing Day itself, leave. You cannot let this carry on year after year for the sake of yours and your family's mental health- believe me, I know!

2kids
Totally agree with all you've said.
It's just difficult when you're not used to dealing with such manipulative people.

I can't really see fil coming, unless I sit by the upstairs window and wait and wait

Have you had to do the brutal honesty thing before?

Clopsy
Yes we've had to be brutally honest in the past, this was after a huge fall out though and I was very blunt because well, it couldn't get any worse had nothing to lose!

'We were thinking, since you are wanting to come to the gathering of the Chamonix side, that it be only fair to invite my parents to join us on Boxing day as well, OK? If that isn't possible, then the fairest thing would be to stick to our original plan of keeping your side on Boxing day, my side on 27th.'

Maybe you're just going to have to go there again? I mean, what have you actually got to lose?

Tell her am anonymous relative has been offended by her in the past and asked they don't come along. Not your fault and nothing you can do but invite her.

Oldbirdy
She would have everyone over hers a heartbeat she loves to entertain and impress everyone !

I do think you should answer the phone if they ring again and when they ask who's organising the party say "I'm not sure and its not appropriate for you to invite yourself. It's my family only." And just keep repeating.

Then phone you're mum and ask her to tell everyone that if MIL does contact them , they are to say there isn't enough room"

Oooooh! Oldbirdy

Nice one.

Chamonix - You're right, of course - it's very difficult, especially when people resort to the "Poor little me" tactics and make you feel as guilty as hell. I've been there, done that, and wiped my tears of rage, disappointment and resentment on the tee-shirt.

It took me many years to stand up for myself, but my word,I wish I'd done it sooner. I've learned that if you pee nasty people off, it actually doesn't matter, because they will make try to make life hell for you whether you do what they want or whether you don't - just in different ways. But the strength that being firm and sticking to your guns gives you is amazing. It will spill over into all areas of your life and you'll go from strength to strength, I promise you. This first time is the hardest. Once you know you can do it, every confrontation will be easier than the last. Give it a go!

Just remember - if you tell her "No", nobody will die and the world won't split in two - you will possibly become further disliked (would that bother you?) but they would develop a grudging respectful you. Ideally they would come round to see your point of view, but this isn't Disney, and I'll believe that horrible people change their attitudes the day that rabbits and squirrels jump through my kitchen window do the washing up.

You just have to find a way to live with it - make it on your terms, not theirs.

You can have a life as a despised doormat, or one as disliked DIL. Either way, they won't change, so if you want something different, you will have to.

"If I told IL's sorry I'm not hosting, not up to me, they'd ask who is, ask me to get hold of them and ask and that it's only 2 extra."

That's when you tell them that no, you won't be finding out who is hosting & if they were wanted there, they would already have been invited.

Then phone you're mum and ask her to tell everyone that if MIL does contact them , they are to say there isn't enough room"

I agree with this, in case they come across members of your family in the run-up to Xmas and try it on with them.

You never know you might get out of doing boxing day. You know that day is going to be intolerable don't you?

What would happen if you added "I've already asked and been told no" instead of 'it's out of my control"?

Otherwise you're right, you'll just have to be brutally honest. Since it isn't the first time it just means to me that they feel that bullying will still get their way. I guess you have to meet 'like with like'. They try to push in, you push back.

It's something that's really out of my experience so I suppose I'm talking out of my hat.

Just out of curiosity, is your DH an only child?

Not at all place marking to see how many phone calls you get

Well done on sending an email, I'd probably have bottled it.

Remember that no is a complete sentence.

Just say no. No explanations, no excuses, no justifications.

That's it.

If FIL comes round tell your daughter you're playing a game of hide and seek with Grandad. Everyone has to stay very, very quiet ...

I think some people are so thick skinned they just do not realise that you might not want their scintillating company.

Like friends who Turn up when you are having a quiet weekend away or meal, in the guise of "surprise" .

They just don't read normal social signals.

She does read normal social signals, she just doesn't care.

Why don't you answer the phone and shut it down? Instead of hiding.

Well done op. Now stay strong, you will feel so much better in the long run

God they both sound nightmarish. What kind of special snowflake is MIL that she has everyone dancing around making sure she doesn't get upset? What will happen, she'll cry? Is she made of sugar? She won't melt.

Honestly the pandering has to stop. My DDad and DBro were/are like this with my mum. I'm the only one who stands up to her and consequently the only one she really listens to This is a pretty recent thing though, took me years not to care about the histrionics. She's tons better now though I think age is mellowing her

Her hissy fits are known as a tall tantrum, it's the thing that toddlers do when they don't get their own way but she hasn't grown out of it. Your MIL clearly knows this tactic works.

Treat her like a toddler throwing a hissy and ignore ignore ignore.

Do not live your life in fear of her reaction.