To want one bloody day with my family

[Chamonix1]

Christmas Day we are spending alone (me, dh and dd) because in laws chose to have friends over for Xmas so won't come to ours, Boxing Day spent at in laws, and the day after Boxing Day was meant to be the day we spend with my side of the family.
We have a big family, and traditionally get together all the Aunties, cousins and their children either in someone's house or a local hall. This year we are having it in a local hall to us.
We have had a very very strained and rocky relationship with in laws, mil is toxic and fil just goes with it for an easy life.
Anyway, mil asked to take dd overnight on Boxing Day, we declined and said we wanted to take dd home, plus we had lots of food to sort out for my family get together.
Mil simply asks why she can't come.
Sigh.
Told her she could but she will probably be the only person other than fil there that aren't from my side of the family.
She knows I wouldn't want her there and doesn't care. We are spending all day Boxing Day at their house, regardless of being told we are dirty and therefore unwelcome in the past and to be honest I just wanted 1 bloody day with people I love without watching my mil "socialise" with those worthy of her time i.e.: one particular set of Aunty and uncle she's been obsessed with being close with from the word go purely because her son spends time with them out of choice.
It sounds petty, now I've written it all down but I feel for someone who describes herself as "delicate" straight up inviting yourself along to a family gathering when you're seeing your son and his family the day before anyway is just rude, especially considering the poor relationship she has with her son.
I now don't want to go and am feeling like I will never enjoy a get together of any sort again as she refuses to be left out.
Tell me to get a grip

Your message was great. Now, if they do get in touch or come round and strt wheedling, don't enter into ANY discussion of why, you've said that. Just say variations of:
No, sorry.
I'm afraid that won't work.
That's not going to work.
I'm afraid that won't be possible.
Practise it in front of the mirror if you have to. As soon as you say it change the subject:
I'm afraid that won't work. Cup of tea?
People like your MIL use drama and nagging to bulldoze you into doing what they want, don't give her an in. And don't feel bad, she was rude inviting herself.

Hooray! Enjoy your family 'do.

Well done. Had you allowed her to come this year, it would have become a 'thing' for her to go to your gatherings every year. Best nipped in the bud now; short term pain, long term gain!

Stick to your guns- you may have only had 3 calls so far but gird your loins

Does she have any phone numbers for your relatives? She may try and get around the issue by contacting them.

Well done op! Stand firm and don't give in to tyrants!

Well done. I am sure you are proud of yourself and you should be.

Chamonix, sorry but 'a little awkward' is not a reason to let someone in when they come round uninvited, IMO.

He keeps doing it because you keep letting him.

Having said that, I'm glad you told your MIL no this time and that they don't seem to be harassing you!

Bird,
Thanks, yes I'm just going to repeat myself until she gives in. No doubt she will mention it and try to make me feel guilty.
Hey ho, she's a grown up I'm sure she can survive being told no occasionally

Would have
Yes,, she does and I instantly thought of this issue when I sent the email! If she messages my
Mum or Aunty ( she bullied my mum out of my Aunties number this summer) then I'm screwed but if she does she will be overstepping a line that will cause issues and I'm going to tell her it's way to far, which will inevitably cause a fall out so I'll tell her myself she's not welcome and she's not helping repair her damaged relationship with her son by bullying her way in and being so controlling and manipulative.

Sapphire
It's more I let him in because DD will see him and want to see him. I've told him no in the past and he's looked at dd and told me I'm pushing him out and it's not fair on dd. Basically tells me I'm a bad parent. Which I know isn't true but I don't like to see dd distressed when he turns up and I send him away.

I really think it would be better to answer the phone calls, let him in - and be very firm: 'I've said no, that subject is closed. Was there anything else?', 'Oh, we weren't expecting you but would you like a cup of tea? ....I'll have to stop you there, there is nothing further to discuss on that subject. You're not going to make a silly scene and upset dd now are you???'

I've told him no in the past and he's looked at dd and told me I'm pushing him out and it's not fair on dd.

Then your response is 'Do not dare to try emotional blackmail or upsetting DD. I wasn't expecting you and your visit is not convenient.'

I get that it upsets your DD; but tell him straight and he might just stop doing it.

She is manipulating you and FIL is bullying you both.

OP, you're not a bad parent, these are bad grandparents, with their emotional behaviour and manipulative bullying.

Raspberry
I agree but we have problems as they are great with dd.
But not good for her if you see what I mean.
To the outsider they're the most loving, giving and eager grandparents possible to me and dh they are manipulative and sway between reasonable to totally bonkers so it's a tough one.

Sapphire
Yes, I guess the issue is I try and let it not get too far and try and be semi reasonable hoping he will just go away but truth is he won't until he's got his way or has the door closed in his face

Great result hopefully this is the start for you and DH and DDs relationship with them to have boundaries well done you!

Chamonix keep strong.

Re "If she messages my Mum or Aunty ( she bullied my mum out of my Aunties number this summer) then I'm screwed."

Please avoid this, just speak to your mum and aunty and say

"My MIl wanted to come to the family event and in a moment of weakness I said yes. BUT I instantly regretted it. I would be very grateful if my MIL ocntacts you if you do not give her any details of where or when it is, do not invite her or allow her to invite herself whatever she says. If she comes this will only cause big family upset and I do not want you to be involved in this.

Please do this, do not allow your MIL to cause family issues. Keep the issues between you and your dh, and your in-laws. your mum and auntie will be much better able to cope with this and help YOU if they know the facts.

Italian
This issue I have is my mum is a people pleaser and I had told me she wouldn't want her there but I shouldn't offend them
And my Aunty thinks I'm being unfair and that it's only extra two people. My aunt herself is pushed out by her own dil and it's clouds her better judgement on my mil brontosaurus around my own family.
Longstanding issue. Don't have my family's support with this one. Regardless of some pretty hideous behaviour from my ils side that my family have whitnessed.

Brontosaurus ?! Wow that's a new one should read * being around!

If she keeps insisting, tell her if she can't respect boundaries, it will be a two way street. You have a much bigger family than your DH and you will start inviting your relatives to her events/house. Starting with your parents popping over with you on Boxing Day.

SapphireStrange re "sorry but 'a little awkward' is not a reason to let someone in when they come round uninvited, IMO."

Most people would fine it very, very hard (unless the grand parent was abusive) to turn away their child's grandparent at the door, especially when the child has seen the grandparent.

OP I think you need to get on the offensive not the defensive. Take the calls, go broken record. You can always end a call with the words.

"I am sorry you feel like that but it does not change my mind.
Please do not come round today/tonight, I am very busy and will not be able to let you in for a chat.
I am putting the phone down now and will speak to you soon."

Then after the warning, if he does come round, explain to dd first. it's grand dad but he just wants a quick word, he cannot stop, and we are busy, doing XYZ..."

Go to door and say through door, sorry we are busy now or if he has a mobile phone it and say, I can't come to the door right now.

If you feel strong enough make sure dd is elsewhere in another room and go to door and say to FIL "This is not acceptable I was very clear we are not available today. Please call tonight to speak to dh and I."

Then you and dh need to make it clear that FIL coming round and getting upset is not acceptable and will not resolve this situation, it will only prolong it to everyone's detriment, including dd (if it is true she is being upset by this situation) or you who is being VERY upset by this situation.

I also agree don't involve your family - it is actually quite cruel to insist your husband's parents aren't welcomed by your extended family. They don't know your relationship and it's not fair to make them look unwelcoming, when they actually don't care.

You are not a bad parent. He is an emotionally abusive adult. If he "Basically tells me I'm a bad parent" then just say "I am not prepared to be spoken to in this way, DD and I shall be leaving now."

I think meeting at their home or in neutral locations is a good idea, so you can leave when you wish to.

If he comes to your house make sure your dh is there and if you wish to leave the room, just do, "Well if I am such a bad parent, in your eyes, maybe I will just go upstairs and read a book..... come on dd...."