To want one bloody day with my family

[Chamonix1]

Christmas Day we are spending alone (me, dh and dd) because in laws chose to have friends over for Xmas so won't come to ours, Boxing Day spent at in laws, and the day after Boxing Day was meant to be the day we spend with my side of the family.
We have a big family, and traditionally get together all the Aunties, cousins and their children either in someone's house or a local hall. This year we are having it in a local hall to us.
We have had a very very strained and rocky relationship with in laws, mil is toxic and fil just goes with it for an easy life.
Anyway, mil asked to take dd overnight on Boxing Day, we declined and said we wanted to take dd home, plus we had lots of food to sort out for my family get together.
Mil simply asks why she can't come.
Sigh.
Told her she could but she will probably be the only person other than fil there that aren't from my side of the family.
She knows I wouldn't want her there and doesn't care. We are spending all day Boxing Day at their house, regardless of being told we are dirty and therefore unwelcome in the past and to be honest I just wanted 1 bloody day with people I love without watching my mil "socialise" with those worthy of her time i.e.: one particular set of Aunty and uncle she's been obsessed with being close with from the word go purely because her son spends time with them out of choice.
It sounds petty, now I've written it all down but I feel for someone who describes herself as "delicate" straight up inviting yourself along to a family gathering when you're seeing your son and his family the day before anyway is just rude, especially considering the poor relationship she has with her son.
I now don't want to go and am feeling like I will never enjoy a get together of any sort again as she refuses to be left out.
Tell me to get a grip

Wondermike has it nailed.

If that fails, tell them a different hall.

Gamerchick yes it's going to be hideous but if we don't see them ata lol at Christmas we will undoubtably have drama and I'm sick of that now!
Acrossthepond
Yes he is an on child, is it that obvious hahaha!

She sounds like my MIL. She springs things on you, worded in such a way that you sound like some unreasonable super bitch if you decline her request, gets you all flustered and before you know it you've agreed to something you really don't want to do! I feel your pain!

Beleieveitornot
Because I'm knackered, because I've already said no, because I'm watching the telly

How many phonecalls so far?

Hearts
Yes, mil cries, then cries then fil shouts then they go quiet, then they involve the few family members dh knows, then they'll tell everyone it's all my fault and they had a loving son before me then eventually they'll get so much hard work someone caves usually me because dh gets upset that he doesn't have "normal parents"

Fil and dh have been taught to obey to keep mil happy and therefore keep the peace.
Is exhausting being dragged into such an abnormal set up.

Clopy
Just 2. They've stopped now. Not sure how many dh has received he's commuting home now

Jesus, it does sound exhausting.

Try not to cave, you deserve a happy day with your family. I know it's hard for your husband, but you'd probably be doing him a bit of a favour too and really, it's sort of his shit that needs sorting.

I couldn't be doing with all this drama. You and your dh just need to stick together on this.

dh gets upset that he doesn't have "normal parents"

Remind him that this is the manipulative behaviour your DDwill learn if she sees MIL getting her own way all the time. Children absorb so much from the good and bad examples of the people around them.

Please don't let your example be that of a wife who gives in every time at the expense of her own peace of mind. Compromise is one thing - we all need to learn that - but martyrdom is another thing entirely.

You will actually find your in-laws less unpleasant when they aren't able to bully you any more.

OP I feel for you. It's not fair that you get the grief, I do understand that your DH isn't used to standing up to your MIL BUT at some point he also needs to otherwise you'll just continuously be the bad guy.

Winter
Glad I'm not alone! Sorry you have to put up with it too!

Thanks everyone.
Im going to try and remain strong on this one, it's literally just the 1 day of the year I see much of my family and I just don't want someone who makes me feel so uneasy there, esp as she has my time the day before.
I'm actually anxious right now, they've just returned from holiday, saw them Saturday and I'm already feeling sad because I'm waiting for the next ridiculous request I have to try and wriggle out of with out upsetting or else I'll get grief. They love 10 minutes away and I'm always concerned they'll come over if ignored for too long!
Hopefully we will get there with baby steps and they'll get the message that we are adults and don't owe them anything (ahahhaa)

Live*

Does your husband ever side with you or does he try to placate them?

Clopy- he does often but only after avoiding and trying to keep everyone happy doesn't work.

Can you my say other family members wanted to invite guests but have been told preparations are already in place and it's to much hassle to change everyone's plans so they have been told no so it's just your family this year and you don't want to cause any probs and your sure they will understand especially as you will be sending the day before with them but sure they will be welcome next year😏

The reason why they keep doing it is because they've been successful in the past. You've caved in in the past, they expect you to do it again. They will get worse before they get it.

Again, this is like the behaviour of a toddler having a tantrum. You wouldn't (I hope) put up with it from your child, treat them the same.

I'm another advocate of keeping it minimal. "As I explained it's just not possible" " sorry that just won't work" " I'm afraid not" repeat as necessary but never elaborate. Hope you and DH get some peace

Well done 8OP* fo rbeing brave and sending email.

TheProblemOfSusan Re "I found that life got a lot easier when I learned how to not give an excuse. It took a lot of practice and missteps but basically, never give a reason to people who are trying to push you to do something. Just say 'I'm afraid not.' 'I can't make it, unfortunately.' 'I'm sorry, that's not possible.' What a great idea, I totally agree. The more info you give some people they can turn it into ammo!

Chamonix, yeah, it is pretty obvious! And it's too bad that they don't realize that if they were nicer people you'd feel much better about including them. If they're 'isolated' it's because they've acted in such a way to deserve it. But I expect it does make it harder on your DH, though.

My DH and I were, in essence, an 'only children' at the holidays. His brother (or rather his wife) made it clear when DH and I married, all holidays from then on were going to be spent with her family since the iLs now had 'somewhere else to go'. My brother and sister lived far away so I was the only local child. For us to go to one would mean the other was alone, so we just all spent Xmas Eve and Xmas Day together. Luckily my iLs and parents were all wonderful people who got along really well.

Dang, the holidays can be hard!!!

How is it going? Has FIL been round?

Talk to your dh and make sure he is on the same page as you in case the shit hits the fan.

"Also sorry to backtrack but we've decided the 27th will be too much if we all start inviting our in laws, friends and extended family so will be keeping it to the usual bunch to keep it fair. Still look forward to Boxing Day at yours."

Brilliant, totally inoffensive. Please don't back down and your DH should be supporting you, not hiding behind his FOG, sorry. You're going to have eternity like this unless you keep telling them no. Be strong, Chamonix and cold like your name!

I don't think you should ignore the phone calls. Looks like you have something to hide or are scared. Answer, assert yourself, end. See them off at the earliest and every opportunity.

Well, nobody's been round and only 3 phone calls so I guess she's not THAT hurt by her evil dil this time
Now have 1 day to look forward to this Xmas which is nice.