To want one bloody day with my family

[Chamonix1]

Christmas Day we are spending alone (me, dh and dd) because in laws chose to have friends over for Xmas so won't come to ours, Boxing Day spent at in laws, and the day after Boxing Day was meant to be the day we spend with my side of the family.
We have a big family, and traditionally get together all the Aunties, cousins and their children either in someone's house or a local hall. This year we are having it in a local hall to us.
We have had a very very strained and rocky relationship with in laws, mil is toxic and fil just goes with it for an easy life.
Anyway, mil asked to take dd overnight on Boxing Day, we declined and said we wanted to take dd home, plus we had lots of food to sort out for my family get together.
Mil simply asks why she can't come.
Sigh.
Told her she could but she will probably be the only person other than fil there that aren't from my side of the family.
She knows I wouldn't want her there and doesn't care. We are spending all day Boxing Day at their house, regardless of being told we are dirty and therefore unwelcome in the past and to be honest I just wanted 1 bloody day with people I love without watching my mil "socialise" with those worthy of her time i.e.: one particular set of Aunty and uncle she's been obsessed with being close with from the word go purely because her son spends time with them out of choice.
It sounds petty, now I've written it all down but I feel for someone who describes herself as "delicate" straight up inviting yourself along to a family gathering when you're seeing your son and his family the day before anyway is just rude, especially considering the poor relationship she has with her son.
I now don't want to go and am feeling like I will never enjoy a get together of any sort again as she refuses to be left out.
Tell me to get a grip

If you really don't want to tell her the truth is I don't want you there. Could you not saye to her that our have checked with whoever is organising it and they have said they can't have anymore people as the hall is alreadying at its limits for health and safety and fire regulations? And then follow up with but if you would like we could arrange a meal out with my family some time in the new year that subsequentally never happens.

Not sure aboiut this time, but next time when she asks tell her straight because she's not invited!

Why can't you leave her with the couple that she deems worthy of her and get on with enjoying yourself? Why would you spend your day "watching her socialise"?

I'd go with 'message mil and say I've had a think and it's probably best we just see them Boxing Day as It's not my place to invite people along.' Fuck the tantrums. Let your DH deal with them.

She's told you you were 'dirty' and therefore unwelcome? I wouldn't care in the least about pissing her off.

Stop worrying about her tantrums. What do you do when your toddler has one? You ignore and reward good behaviour.

What does your dh day?

Do 1)
I suspect the rest of your side of the family won't be too happy about you 'inviting' someone from your DH's side along.

Just do it! I'm coming back on here later to check.

Just tell her you've checked, turns out it's purely a Chamonix family event and unfortunately you can't invite anyone else. If she has a tantrum, leave her to it and tell her that there's nothing you can do about it no matter how much she cries and shouts.

And if she comes out with anything offensive when you're there on Boxing Day, just get up and leave.

Chamonix, just say that you are very sorry but you have got a lot of people coming and cannot fit two more in. I know it is a hall but these is the polite way of saying that you don't want her to be there (which is true and TOTALLY reasonable).

Just decide that when you talk to her you will go broken record like you are speaking to a very silly little child who will not take no for an answer!

Practice in front of the mirror...

I am really sorry MIL but we are quite crowded and there is not have room for any extras...

or you could take the bit between your teeth/the bull by the horns or whatever the phrase is and just say...

I'm sorry I was a bit backed into a corner when you asked before and I said yes, but really the answer is no. We planned a Christmas with time by ourselves, time with dh's family and time with family, and that is what we want to do.

You will see us and dd on Boxing day. We will go home with your husband and dd and the next day will be a family celebration with your side of the family.

I think I would pepper my comments with things like, it's only fair you get to see us all on Boxing day and my family get our undivided attention on the day after.

PLEASE do not be pushed into this. If she says "But you said I could...."
I would be honest, whatever honest is in this situation, maybe "I felt put on the spot, I knew that I wanted to have a day with my family and I felt it was hard to say no. But having thought about it I know that it would be unfair to expect my family to share us and dd with dh's family when dh's family had already had us all over the day before, so my answer is no, sorry MIL, we will see you Boxing Day but not the day after.

Re "Should I really have said "no, it's my time with my family, you have us on Boxing Day!" (What I thought) it would've caused tears and the mother of all arguments from Fil." YES you should, you need to be honest with her. It is only fair that both sides of the family see you, your dh and your dd, and one side does not hog the whole season.

What arguments from father-in-law? With whom?

Re " had no other excuse for not staying at hers Boxing Day for the night." You had the perfect excuse, I want to go home to my own bed. That is your choice. You are an adult. Please put these boundaries in now with your in laws or they are going to make life miserable for you.

This is your DH's Mother, so I would leave it to your DH to sort out.

I'd go with an explanation along the lines of you're seeing her on BD so the day after is for your family only.

Nokids
Because she works her way in with that particular Aunty because I'm close to her, her daughter is like a sister to me and dh loves my uncle. Basically it's there way of pushing themselves into our life.
The day will be full of comments putting me and dh down.
She will swan about being as fake as anything and it makes me angry to be honest.

Then stop faffing around and tell her.

You've had everyone agreeing with you that yanbu. You've had plenty of suggestions on how to do it. Now just do it.

Fuck that. Call her out on her behavior, seriously calling you dirty, and you still have contact with her. Include her out. Tell her straight. Otherwise Christmas will always be a fucking nightmare. I have a lovely Christmas now, since I kicked the in laws into touch. My husband agrees totally. Life is too short.

Chamonix
So basically I thinkyou have 2 options.

1. message mil and be honest.

This risks a serious tantrum and lot of tears from mil.

So what, seriously so what. She is an adult. She is manipulating you. I am afraid in your head just say so fucking what and out loud say, I think you can see it is only fair we have a day with my family as we have been with dh's family Boxing day. Just say it again and again until you are sick of those words. And maybe she will be too and will quit nagging you.

Also, ask your dh to step up, he is an adult too. He can tell mum, no thanks mum we have separate plans... can't he?

2. accept I'm not going to enjoy the gathering now and keep my mouth shut next year - that is your choice, I thin that would be a shame and would be a waste of a chance to exercise your boundaries with MIL!

Choices choices

"I'm really sorry, but I've discovered that we're only having the Chamonix family at the day after Boxing Day event- my mum's already said no to other people so it wouldn't be fair if you came. But we're looking forward to seeing you on Boxing Day as planned" Text or email it so you can't be talked round.

But if it's loads of people why is it so bad if she comes? Wouldn't letting her come painlessly give you one in the bank for saying no to something else later in the year?

I think I'd tell her that 'everyone was talking about the party' and as no one from any of your family's 'other sides' are coming it was felt that it's unfair that yours are so, very sorry, but you have to rescind the invitation.

If you don't nip this in the bud, you will be having them at your family's party from now until doomsday.

Ha! xpost with Bertrand. Great minds......

Tell her she can't come - what if everyone from your family started bringing in laws - things would get out of control ?

Sounds like you need to practice the phrase "Unfortunately it's simply not possible" until it becomes what you say when you're caught off-balance.

Theres always going to be a point where your MIL will cause unpleasantness - your choice is whether you have it quickly by saying "no", or drag it out by saying "yes" and then having to have her spoil your family event.
It sounds like you're trying to avoid any unpleasantness at all by saying yes but then hoping she wont go, and that never works.

Re "The day will be full of comments putting me and dh down.
She will swan about being as fake as anything and it makes me angry to be honest."

OK, so she will spoil your dad, by being there. Call her and say, you were afraid to offend her, but actually it is only fair for it to be your family day after boxing day, and so she is unfortunately not invited. No ifs, no buts, no coconuts. Sadly, I would not trust your dh to do this.

Once you have done it, go away and Goodle around and get some assertiveness training or read up on being assertive, I've done a training with work, it is great. It teaches you not to be rude but to be honest and fair and slightly blunt when people tread on you.

Because your MIL is walking all over you and you need some help. I am so sorry you are being treated so badly by her, please do not put up with it. It is not normal or acceptable. Please also tell your dh what you are doing and why. he can enjoy the bits of his parents relationship he likes but he cannot expect you to accept this treatment at your MIL's hands.

I do differ on one point though. I still think it would create the expectation in MiL that she is to be included in everything as opposed to feeling like "Well, I went to Xmas so I don't expect to go to Easter". I think it would be more like "Well I went to Xmas, so why can't I go to Easter".

Italiangreyhound
Everything you've said makes sense. I've decided I will message her, I'm just not 100% sure what route to go down.
To those who think DH should be dealing with them I do agree to some extent but I don't feel it's up to dh as he would rather have them there to keep peace (he'd rather not have them there if it was easy) and it's me who's saying "no I won't enjoy it".
Basically hes been taught all his life to do as told and he still does it !

Italian
Arguments are from fil, directed at DH, because we've made mil cry.
When we ignore his emails and texts and answer phone messages he comes round.
It's terrible I dread it.

bertrand, the op has explained that her mil will spend the party being mean about her. If the op wants to spend some time with her family at Christmas without random insults that is really perfectly reasonable.

OP, you need to not let your mil put a dampener on your Christmas celebrations with your family. "Mil, I was caught unawares when you asked to come to my family's Christmas party and I make a mistake in agreeing. I'm afraid you can't come, it really wouldn't be fair on my family. We look forward to seeing you on Boxing Day as originally planned."

Then disengage until the tantrum is over.

If he comes round calmly that's fine. If he comes round angry then "sorry, fil, but we don't want DD to be around this sort of behaviour so I'm afraid you can't come in." He keeps coming round after a tantrum from mil because you let him in. And it works, you are currently thinking of upsetting your own plans with your own family just to keep mil happy.

Chamonix all the arguments about how much space or food or too many people are all true so go with that if easier but if you want to be really honest, say you were caught off guard, you had not had time to think and on reflection of course it is not fair to expect your family to share you and your dh and dd with your dh's family on their day.

If you want to follow it up with something say

"My family know we are seeing dh's family for Boxing day so it would be disrespectful to them to invite you (dh's family) on the Chamonix family day. I am sure you can see that????????????

Wait for the arguments and be ready...

"But it is a big hall" - It's not really about the location
"We'll bring food" -It's not really about food
"WE LOVE YOU" - I know, and thank you but my family also love us deserve our undivided attention on ONE DAY!! Don't they?
No they don't - Well I feel they do so sadly I cannot invite you or others to our family day.

speak to you soon.... click....