'No adult presents' Wibu to handle it this way?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I have a large family on my side, three siblings, four neices and nephews and both parents. We've always done Christmas presents for all.

This year my middle sister (2dc) has sent out a missive declaring they will only be buying for the children this year and she hopes we are all on board.

Well, we're not. I love buying gifts, they don't have to be expensive but I like to spend time choosing something I know they will love. My other sister is recently divorced and used to be spoilt for gifts by her Dh so she's struggling anyway with this Christmas (she also won't have her DC this year so is coming to us rather than hosting as usual). She's deeply upset by this. Not from a material point of view, but from the emotional side of receiving gifts from loved ones.

My brother is single and has no kids.

I've got three DC and although I'd be happy with no gifts for me I do want to buy for everyone else in the family.

Tbf last year she received lovely gifts from me and DSis1 and we got a tin of biscuits to share with our DH's. So her presents won't be missed! (I don't mean that to be bitchy or ungrateful but there it is).

So wwbu to just ignore the edict and carry on as usual? Would you buy for her and her Dh anyway or just leave them out and buy for the rest of the adults?

I'm a bit miffed by the tone of the text as well. It was basically telling everyone that this is what will be happening for the whole family. Well, sorry but no. It seems very bah humbug.

Over I did mention this to DB at one point but he just shrugged so we carried on.

We tend to buy each other the same semi-practical things every year; naice coffee, 'fancy' water (it's a family thing), kitchen gadgets, etc as we all like to cook, so a lot of our fun is exchanging and every one going 'Oooh, I wonder what's in here?' knowing that we each have a pretty good idea of what it is!

And perhaps stop bitching about one sister to the other?

Do you have sisters? Because that's literally our whole dynamic. Without that we would have nothing to talk about.

I would just say that that's fine we'll do that with her, but continue with usual arrangements for the rest of the family.

Dh's sil announced one year that seeing as we were not going to see each other over Christmas, wouldn't it be easier to do Secret Santa.
Dh wasn't particularly keen, but was on the "maybe to be easy this year" side. I said to him that I betted that she would then say the next year "well it worked so well last year so we'll do it again" So we said we wouldn't do it.
Guess what's happened each year since then.

Seems a complete waste of effort. they all provide one person the exact (down to catalogue number etc) what they want. They might as well just say they'll all buy themselves something.
I know dh's sister isn't particularly keen on it and would rather not do it that way, but having done it once can't think of a way out.
I have a strong suspicion that sil also makes sure the sibling that's loaded (she always does the "draw") is getting their present-she certainly seems to get them more often than not.

I have four sisters.

We've never acted this way about or with each other, and I would certainly not feel blindsided by some shortbread.

But all families are different...

You're obviously the type of person who enjoys giving, and If this is the first year your sister has said. Children's presents only. Then its most likely that she can't afford it this year, . Its just as bad to feel left out in giving as it is of recieving, so. If you really want to give. YNBU, but. Make sure your sister knows she's under absolutely no obligation to buy you something.
I don't agree with the poster who said. Buy for everyone and not her.
Its not her faults the funds arent there. You wouldn't do that a rat. Dole out presents and leave it standing there like a gobshite.

What about suggesting Secret Santa? We do it in our family - people can buy what they like for under 18 year olds but everyone else puts their name in a hat, we each draw one person out to buy for and have a budget and list of suggestions for each person. So only one present to buy and you know how much it will cost in advance. I don't like shopping and I don't like receiving lots of stuff, so I'm probably quite bah humbug but this works for me!

Oh secret Santa that's a good idea.
That way everyone's included in both giving and reviving and. It doesn't cost anywhere near as much

Without that we would have nothing to talk about.

How can you possibly all be so dull as to have nothing to talk about other than being bitchy about the others?

Just don't buy for them. Tell them in advance. Rest do what you do normally.

We don't buy for my BIL and SIL, just for our nieces. Likewise they don't buy for us, just Dd.

However we all will buy for PILs and they send gifts to all too.
And I still buy for my siblings, and they do for us.

There's no bad feelings about it though and it didn't come about through any unpleasantness etc. It was a personal choice made by BIL and DH a few years back.

Did we ever find out what Chris Kindle is?

Presumably Kris Kringle?

= Secret Santa?

I had this shit last year sil declared I will no require any gifts for my children form this christams forth she really Ment I won't be buying anyone else anything

We don't buy for sil and bil as we buy for the kids. Other sil has no kids so we buy for her. Likewise with my brothers. Although one of my brothers now has a girlfriend who has two small kids who I haven't met and I've bought small token gifts for because they are important to my brother so I don't want to offend him. Anyway, my point is that you can have different arrangements with different people.

Maybe your sister is skint and the reason she asked for everyone not to buy is because it the "fairer" option? I doubt it would be ok to say "we aren't buying but we still want presents". Maybe she meant "we aren't buying so we don't expect presents back"?

I don't think it's up to your sister though and you do what makes you happy. I have six siblngs and we do SS (my parents arrange it).

We've never bought for adults - except grandparents - with 18 nieces and nephews - living all over the world, I suggested we stopped posting masses of presents to kids that I barely knew - my sister who always sent us the worst I haven't thought about you but here's a token piece of crap was the most vocal in her objections - we agreed a secret santa as a compromise but really - who really thinks about buying for 20 people, it was just a bloody chore that I dreaded every year. Even now - dh and I have agreed to no gifts this year - are we skint? No, we're bored shopping!

I am with your sister. We stopped buying for DH n my siblings once we had kids. I buy my Mam something & he buys for his parents because they spend loads on the kids. I find shopping so boring & Christmas spending ridicules as long as kids are happy n DH gets me something small I don't care for presents (often tat!) for myself. If one of my siblings didn't have kids/partner then I would buy something for them.

I think you should talk to your sister and find out what the deal is. This might be her way of trying not to embarrass herself by giving you gifts you were so ungrateful for.

I'm in a similar but more expensive position (2 parents, 4 sisters + DH's, 10 nieces/nephews) and I'm the singleton with no kids.

One sister absolutely loves giving gifts which is why we still buy for everyone but next year I fully intend to buy for our parents, the kids and sister on a secret santa for my sisters and their respective DH.

I'd be more than happy to only buy for the kids but my sisters feel guilty since I don't have any (it genuinely doesn't bother me). It's hard on all of us and if I didn't start buying gifts in July I'd never be able to afford it.

I'm tempted to suggest the same for next year, aside from parents and my single childfree sister - why should she buy for two adults and two kids while only getting one gift back? She enjoys buying for the kids but we can afford to treat ourselves so she can save the cash. I've already opted out of receiving from the in laws as they only gave me tat as they didn't know me. And why buy crap for people who can easily afford what they really do want? I prefer secret santa or price limit challenges as I like to be creative rather than spending for the sake of it. I dread the mountain of crap the kids receive each year. We've only bought out kids clothes and books as we know the grandparents will go overboard.

I'm glad your other sister told her to poke it!

It's ok to say 'this year WE are only buying for the children' or 'what does everyone think about only buying for the children' but dictating it will be thus would get her told to shove Holly where the sun doesn't shine.

If I were you I'd just chat to DB & your parents & carry on as normal, but only buy for Miss Control Freaks children.

As for 'it's only fair if we all do it' what nonsense! She doesn't buy for adults, adults don't buy for her. That's fair. Twat.

Why doesn't she think your DH is good enough for you? Is this a new thing?

Friends of mine, their entire family, all buy one gift.

Wrap it up, put it under the family tree...

For themselves.

Odd but true. They all claim to prefer to just buy themselves something they want. Great. Fine. But the wrapping it up and putting it under the tree just seems a step towards to bizarre to me 😬 Tree looks pretty I guess.

No children are harmed in this bonkers ritual.

Why don't you either buy a gift say a vegetable plot or a goat for a charity for her or make gifts. My sister loves the angel I made her years ago. Another idea would be to give a promise. So it could be that you will invite them for dinner or a walk and high tea over Christmas. Something personal.
If you really don't want to go along with it then don't and give her a charity one that means something to her. Cafod send a card to say what it is. My sister sent me one - a vegetable garden because she knows I am keen on gardening.
Perhaps she is struggling money wise.

OP I really sympathise - last year my sister decided not to buy Christmas presents for us at all, without telling us. It was horribly awkward and quite upsetting. I'd bought for my 3 DNs and her and my BIL. And in return, nothing.

I don't give to receive and buy for a number of friends' children without expecting anything - it was the no-warning-suddenness that hurt.

This year, I'm still buying for the children, and just tokens for the adults. DSis won't discuss it, and I want to give to them because I love them. Must more settled in my mind.

Are you all together on Christmas Day? I think I'd go for the "already shopped, sorry!" response this year but say it's absolutely fine for her not to buy for you.

I would do what you feel comfortable with and then if this sticks you will start to regret buying.... I love the giving side of things and people being genuinely happy with what I have chosen. Usually not expensive either.Hate it feeling a chore. MIL decided a few years ago no presents for adults. She has 2 children and 4 grandchildren. She just decided ...BUT we still buy for her at birthdays and christmas .. After dh 40th with not even a card just a phone call I let SIL do the buying and give her half. Note MIL lives round the corner from us, My family who live in another country managed a card a call and a thoughtful gift....i also think it dis oenda on where you are all celebrating and if you were together at gift exchange or not. Box of biscuits is fine btw ..even better if the box is decorated by the dc.

This doesn't seem to be about the Christmas presents at all, IMO.

(Christmas brings out all the gnarly family dynamics, I find. This is a classic sort that I experience every single year. But, because I love my extended family on both sides with all its thorns, I smile and live with it. It really isn't worth the emotional expense on my part.)

A box of biscuits is nice if it's a gift from someone who doesn't know you well and genuinely hopes you will like it. Not so great if the person who gives you the biscuits knows you don't actually like the biscuits in question, and when they give your sister exactly the same box of biscuits it emphasizes how little care has gone into the gift.

If you regard presents as a sign of love from the giver, which is how I was brought up then the giving of rubbish token tat type presents (which seem to be much referenced on this thread) is hurtful. It's not about giving in order to receive, it's more of a reciprocal ritual and has very little to do with the monetary value of the gifts.

I totally understand if you just feel an obligation to spend money you don't have that something like Secret Santa might be a great solution, but personally it's not the size of the gift that matters, it's the connection it represents.

Thank you Nooka, that's exactly how I feel. It's all to do with love languages, really.