'No adult presents' Wibu to handle it this way?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I have a large family on my side, three siblings, four neices and nephews and both parents. We've always done Christmas presents for all.

This year my middle sister (2dc) has sent out a missive declaring they will only be buying for the children this year and she hopes we are all on board.

Well, we're not. I love buying gifts, they don't have to be expensive but I like to spend time choosing something I know they will love. My other sister is recently divorced and used to be spoilt for gifts by her Dh so she's struggling anyway with this Christmas (she also won't have her DC this year so is coming to us rather than hosting as usual). She's deeply upset by this. Not from a material point of view, but from the emotional side of receiving gifts from loved ones.

My brother is single and has no kids.

I've got three DC and although I'd be happy with no gifts for me I do want to buy for everyone else in the family.

Tbf last year she received lovely gifts from me and DSis1 and we got a tin of biscuits to share with our DH's. So her presents won't be missed! (I don't mean that to be bitchy or ungrateful but there it is).

So wwbu to just ignore the edict and carry on as usual? Would you buy for her and her Dh anyway or just leave them out and buy for the rest of the adults?

I'm a bit miffed by the tone of the text as well. It was basically telling everyone that this is what will be happening for the whole family. Well, sorry but no. It seems very bah humbug.

At least you've been warned. One Christmas morning my DSis accepted an expensive gift from DH and only to declare that she couldn't afford to buy presents that year. It's not like we were swimming in cash that Christmas either. I was fuming that she hadn't told us in advance. She can be quite grabby sometimes though.

Yes, just don't buy for her and her DH, just for their kids.

She can't dictate what you buy for other family members. Make it clear to them that this is the case, as well.

If this was said by a sister who was generally kind I would assume money problems that she didn't want to reveal and might go back to her to see if I could help them out or whatever. But I get the impression this isn't necessarily massively out of character?

She definitely meant the whole family!

Well she can put forward any ideas she likes. You don't have to do it though, especially this late.

I would be a bit upset if I was your DBro though.

Yes, last year she opened lovely expensive gifts from me and dsis1 and then handed us a tin of M&S shortbread each. Awkward.

Make it clear in advance. So something like, 'That's fine, the rest of us want to do adult gifts as usual though, but we'll just do that among ourselves. You just buy for our kids and we'll do the same for yours. Sorted!'

And yes, not hugely out of character lately. She's showing quite a controlling side.

We are always skint, so we do a draw for the adults so we only do one adults. Papers with names are sent through the post for those living elsewhere.

I disagree. Your tone about expensive gifts makes me feel a bit sick.

Is it real or just for show ?

See my sister is the same as you: enjoys gifting and puts a lot of effort into finding stuff we will 'love'. It all ends up shoved in a drawer, sent to a charity shop or passed on of course. No doubt, same as the stuff we buy her.

Now kids are different. I love buying pressies for kids. LOVE IT. It's what Christmas is all about. Where adults are concerned, their company and good food is all I care about. But kids need spoiling on Christmas day.

Personally I would be very grateful for that message and wouldn't buy my sister or her DH a gift - I would spend a bit more on their kids instead.

Your sister can only choose and state what she wants to do, it is up to everyone else to decide whether to buy gifts for others or not. I can see both sides of this. In a family where money is tight and there are lots of children, christmas can be an expensive time. I can also understand the joy of giving carefully thought out (no need to cost the earth) presents for others.

I would say to her, I appreciate your request and am happy not to receive but I would still like to give.

My dB and ds and I do a poundshop challenge that way we all presents but don't spend a lot. The rules are it can't cost more than £1 and you have to put some thought into it. So a box of chocolates doesn't cut it. It's normally jokey stuff but it's always fun.

I think your Dsis was embarrassed by the shortbread last year, hence the money/ face saving attempt this year. Maybe money struggles you don't know about?

Not for show at all! We've always spent around £20-£40 on each other. I'm happy to do token gifts instead, I just wish she'd told us that last year because the biscuits were a bit of a blindside and tbh upset us a bit.

My millionaire SIL imposed something similar on my DP's side years ago. Everyone just went along with it. We are still rather about it but nobody stood up to her.

Oh, and a £10 limit.

Yes, I would do what you suggested in your update. It can totally work and it can be really sensible as long as everyone knows what's happening.

My family does slightly different things regards presents for each other. E.g. Once my brother and I had kids we agreed together to just get things for each other's kids and not the adults ( him and his wife, me and my husband). My sister doesn't have children so once I had mine I just spoke to her and said it was totally fine not to get presents for me and my husband as she was now getting something for my daughter ( and we get something for her - my sister). We all do whatever we choose for our parents. It has been like this for a few years and it is fine and basically all parts of the family are able to enjoy choosing and receiving gifts for each other with no need to buy unnecessary tat (or have some parts of the family having to buy loads of gifts when they are only "small" themselves).

Maybe last year she couldn't afford to buy more than a tin of shortbread? It was your choice to buy an expensive present, no one held a gun to your head.

At least she's given you warning this year. And buying for a large family gets expensive, especially if you spend at least £15.

I havent bought presents for my brothers in many years, I'm struggling to afford to buy my own dc christmas present this year, never mind the rest of my family.

While I do understand that some people love all the present buying and receiving, I've got to the stage where I really don't want any more stuff. I am constantly trying to declutter and I really don't know what people do with all the extra stuff they get (I used to declutter in the run up to Christmas and then cry on Boxing Day at all the new crap I'd acquired). So I wouldn't get pissy at all if everyone else wants to open presents on the day. My children are a bit older, and they don't want extra stuff either. Christmas can also be about meeting up with friends and family, spending time together and eating yummy food. So I sympathise with your sister, provided she doesn't rain on your parade. It's not up to her to dictate what everyone else does.

HeleluvsRob has good wording.

UterusUterus (sorry forgotten rest of user bame and scrolling on phone angst!) - that twanged a heart strong lass. Wish I knew who you were as I'd send you something.

Maybe not for show, but buying an expensive gift (sorry £200 would be expensive £20-40 doesn't seem like my idea of 'expensive' so I wondered) just means to me you expect one back.

Maybe she doesn't have any ideas and biscuits seemed like a good option?

Do you normally give to receive because it sounds like it.

No, don't just ignore it. It's a reasonable request as far as your relationship with her is concerned. What's not reasonable is demanding the whole family go along with it.

I would text back and say: 'That's fine. Totally understand - Christmas can get reaaaally expensive and stressful, can't it? We'll just buy for your kids and you buy for ours. However, I'm going to get presents for the other adults in the family as usual - I have already bought most of these. Hope that's OK. Looking forward to seeing you!'

Yes, last year she opened lovely expensive gifts from me and dsis1 and then handed us a tin of M&S shortbread each. Awkward.

I therefore don't understand what the problem is. I'd be chomping at the bit to be released from this arrangement. Sounds like you've come to that conclusion now anyway though op. What she does or doesn't do for your brother is down to them to address, not you. Let us know how you reply!

Why not talk to the rest of the family before taking any decisions? If the rest of them agree with her, you're going to look a bit PA insisting on handing your presents round. But if they don't agree then you'll know that the form will be to buy for them but not for her.

I'd be really annoyed if one of my family told everyone else what they should be doing like that. It sounds as if she already checked out of proper Christmas presents last year though, so at least you won't feel sad when you put thought and care into a present for her and get a token gift back.

If the email was to all family members I'd respond making it clear that you understand if she doesn't want to you a present, and in return you will respect her wish not to receive a gift, but you will be giving gifts to everyone else as usual. Otherwise you run the risk that others may feel railroaded into her way of doing things and Christmas just becomes a mess. Then (if I had the funds) I'd make sure that my presents to the other siblings and parents were especially nice.

Gifts don't have to be expensive, just thoughtful. My siblings (me too) have at times given presents that didn't cost very much at all, but I think a Christmas where only children get presents is all sorts of wrong unless there are very good reasons. Plus in my family children give presents to their older relatives. In fact that's usually a bit of a highlight (especially when they are small).

It's a shame that the spirit of giving has been lost in the maelstrom of family politics, finances and just having too much stuff.

Dh's dbs have suggested "no presents" but dh is adamant that present giving continues (I'm with the dbs!) as we have no other family. I know the sils are trying to "manage us out" as they have large extended families to which they cleave. I'd be happy to be cut loose, but dh stubbornly refuses to be let go and is always vainly suggested meet ups etc.

Family present giving has now reached a "how low can you go" point with last year sil giving me a tin of biscuits of unknown origin with "Greetings from London" on them. We live near London and dh commutes there every day . It was very clearly a re-gift or even more likely an unwanted raffle prize.