'No adult presents' Wibu to handle it this way?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I have a large family on my side, three siblings, four neices and nephews and both parents. We've always done Christmas presents for all.

This year my middle sister (2dc) has sent out a missive declaring they will only be buying for the children this year and she hopes we are all on board.

Well, we're not. I love buying gifts, they don't have to be expensive but I like to spend time choosing something I know they will love. My other sister is recently divorced and used to be spoilt for gifts by her Dh so she's struggling anyway with this Christmas (she also won't have her DC this year so is coming to us rather than hosting as usual). She's deeply upset by this. Not from a material point of view, but from the emotional side of receiving gifts from loved ones.

My brother is single and has no kids.

I've got three DC and although I'd be happy with no gifts for me I do want to buy for everyone else in the family.

Tbf last year she received lovely gifts from me and DSis1 and we got a tin of biscuits to share with our DH's. So her presents won't be missed! (I don't mean that to be bitchy or ungrateful but there it is).

So wwbu to just ignore the edict and carry on as usual? Would you buy for her and her Dh anyway or just leave them out and buy for the rest of the adults?

I'm a bit miffed by the tone of the text as well. It was basically telling everyone that this is what will be happening for the whole family. Well, sorry but no. It seems very bah humbug.

Just be clear and open and honest with her. Not critical though!

I would love to do no adult presents. We get stuff we don't want or need, rubbish if I'm honest, that just seems to be 'for the sake of it'. We got a book from a charity shop last year from a very close family member who has half a million pounds in the bank. We are 'the poor relations' but I just can't reciprocate in kind, so end up feeling resentful, which is not in the spirit of Christmas!

Secret Santa does sound the sensible way to go! I may suggest it to my family. Although the next pressie thread on MN will probably be started by my sister of I do.

Mrscarrot that's twice you've mentioned gift sets. I've never bought any of my family a generic gift set so I'm not sure what you're on about.

*See my sister is the same as you: enjoys gifting and puts a lot of effort into finding stuff we will 'love'. It all ends up shoved in a drawer, sent to a charity shop or passed on of course. No doubt, same as the stuff we buy her

This. Buying for adult relatives is the biggest waste of money. Ever.*

I disagree. I enjoy spending time choosing gifts for adult family members and I'm pretty sure they feel the same. This is backed up by fact that over the year, I've seen family members using/wearing/whatever a gift I've given them - probably because I take my time to choose and would never buy anybody a 'gift set'.

Having said that OP, if your sister is struggling financially this year then to buy presents for the DC only is her choice. If you still decide to buy her a token present, that's your choice too.

I absolutely respect her choice to only do adult presents.

But she has sent a group text that says this year it's better if we all just buy for each other's children and not do any adult presents. She means all of us.

When my DH was on strike (with the fire brigade a few years ago), we told our very extended family that we could only afford to buy for the children that year for obvious reasons, and asked them to only buy for ours. This was all fine as we had been upfront and honest about why. However, come Xmas day we were given a present each (which was very nice of everyone) but very embarrassing for us, as we had asked for no presents due to my DH strugging with mh and issues over the lack of money due to the strike. I know our family meant well and bought the presents with love, but we had specifically asked them not to. I am just trying to say that if your DS wishes to only buy for the children, then maybe you should only buy for hers and not DS and husband, but continue to buy presents for those who have not requested this.

Here's an idea. How about just being gracious and going along with it? Would it hurt to do that? Would it hurt to decide that this time you're not going to even think about the biscuits or be bothered who such a gift is and isn't suitable for, forget the slightly bossy tone of the email and say 'that's fine - we will continue as usual with the the rest of the family, but we are happy to do what you suggest'
Why take offence? Why the big issue about who has decided, the tone of the message, the gifts from the past?

TBH, I find these kind of threads amazing. Are families so involved in power games, that exactly who decides and makes a decision about something like this, is a big deal and something to feel offended by, or as if someone else is taking over? Is our self esteem and value determined by whether we got to decide what happens, or by the gift we received last Christmas?

So, perhaps her tone was a bit bossy and she could have asked what you thought first. Okay. However,mis it something to feel peeved about and add to the other little grievances that are just mounting up, like the biscuits from last Christmas?

Sounds like there will be a crowd of you at Christmas, there will be some gifts given to the kids and some adult members too....sounds like a recipe for a great family time to me. Enjoy the company and don't sweat the small stuff.

I disagree. I enjoy spending time choosing gifts for adult family members and I'm pretty sure they feel the same. This is backed up by fact that over the year, I've seen family members using/wearing/whatever a gift I've given them

Or they might think 'flump is coming over, best put out that hideous photo frame/wear that dreadful scarf/light that stinking candle she bought us'.

Because being honest is seen as so dreadfully rude, almost no-one is, and if they are, they are almost universally hated as a terrible, rude, ungrateful person. Unfortunately, almost no-one is brave enough to be honest about this, so we all keep exchanging crap that no-one wants.

DM seems to think I like dark chocolate and buys me some every Christmas and birthday. I don't really, but because I've said 'thank you, that's lovely' every single time, she carries on buying it.

And after about 25 years, I just have to carry on graciously accepting it, and usually use it for baking, which is a bit of a waste, because it's always naice dark chocolate, so in baking makes hardly any difference to the very cheap stuff from Aldi.

I too want to send UterusUterus something to make her smile this Christmas... :)

Grab, you're not being unreasonable but there can be something a bit 'off' sometimes with massive spending at Christmas, for adults, who can buy their own things and it looks a bit odd to see adults with piles of presents around them just like the kids. That's just my opinion though!

Don't buy your sister something, she's asked you not to. Tell her in advance that you will abide by her wishes for her/her husband BUT you will still buy for the children (obviously) and you'll still be doing presents for the rest of the family... just so she's aware of that. Do it genuinely and kindly.

I know it's relative but when you talked about 'expensive', I thought you were talking about a lot more than £20-40, which seems reasonable if you like doing presents for people. I thought you were talking £££'s!

I think you can safely ignore that bit of it GrabtharsHammer - she can't dictate what everyone else does. But she's done the right thing warning you she won't be buying for adults this year. I am guessing she doesn't want to feel awkward again and it sounds like she probably is a bit skint.

I think it's getting more angst ridden than is necessary.

Just text back as other have said

"Thanks for letting me know - totally happy for you to do what suits you best. I love the whole present thing and I've started buying already so I'm going to get for everyone - I bloody love Christmas!'

It's not a thing. She's decided that she wants to buy less, you don't. Don't turn it into a thing or it will be hanging over Christmas.

My apologies, I mis read one of your posts.

Still think YABU though. She probably saw your "pissy face" last year when you opened her biscuits and can't be bothered now

We tried this a few years ago. This worked fine for a few years, until more presents started creeping in. Then we tried secret Santa, which didn't work too well, as some people gave it thought and some didn't. Last year we thought we'd gone back to the presents for kids only, but were embarrassed when everyone bought us presents, and we only had presents for the kids. This year, we're buying presents for everyone. I enjoy searching for suitable presents, and don't mind what we get.

My advice is to carry on giving presents, but not to necessarily expect to receive them.

Surely the point of Christmas is having people to spend Christmas with. I don't see why you get het up over a tin of biscuits if you truly do just enjoy giving. Christmas is a time for spending with family having nice things to eat and drink not worrying if the person you've bought for has matched your present in monetary value. Chill a little

Meant to say, we just buy for the children in our family too - and my Mum, who always says she doesn't want presents, so we call them 'Winter presents' instead.

I'm going to stop overthinking it.

It's not just about money and whether or not people can afford it. It's all just so unnecessary for adults with their own money to buy each other gifts. If you want something, just buy it.

This articulates very well how I feel about it.

On my side we only buy for the DC ... except that DB and SIL (deliberately) don't have children, so they buy for his nephews and her nieces and get nothing in return. And golly they're good at present giving - though I should say the presents are more in the realms of what MN deems "token" rather than "expensive".

That said, the years we're actually together at Christmas we do give each other token gifts (eg charity shop < £5) so the DC see the transaction exchange.

DH's family on the other hand give lots of gifts - like a hamper from each couple to each adult - so SIL was initially startled when I said honestly we didn't need anything at all. I got the message very quickly that they have different expectations. And unfortunately they go for quantity over quality which just makes me exhausted. But they like it and it's none of my business really until the crap toys break on Boxing Day and I have to sneak them to the tip, cursing so I've given up trying to convert them.

OP I think pp's suggestion to splash out on your sister is a kind and thoughtful one. Do steer away from gift sets as they are a waste of your money - there's usually something in it the recipient doesn't want even if they like the rest, so you're far better off buying the full size of the right thing and wrapping it elegantly yourself.

But she has sent a group text that says this year it's better if we all just buy for each other's children and not do any adult presents. She means all of us.

I'm not surprised she means all of you, if you are all so grabby it's more than likely she's worried about being embarrassed by you.

Just talk to her she is your sister ffs, but I expect last year they had very little money for gifts and tried to buy token things (the biscuits) and your daily mail sad faces when it was only shortbread made them feel bloody awful. I expect the involving everybody (which I don't agree with in this blanket ban) is in someway to make it look like that it's a group decision not to make them stick out given how very grabby your family are coming accross

I like Pagwatch's text, it's just so inoffensive, nobody could be cross about it.

Have you talked to her about it? I think if I were feeling a bit skint I might make a similar suggestion (I can be a bit thoughtless socially inept ) but if someone were then to spell it out to me in the way you did in your OP, I would understand why that would be harsh on your other siblings. Maybe she's just a bit oblivious? Anyway, she clearly doesn't feel the same joy about gift buying that you do, so it would be best to try and come to some sort of compromise with her. Along with some previous posters, I'm sure communication will be key to making sure you have a good christmas!

And incidentally, we have just agreed with my brothers family and brother in laws family, to only do child gifts this year.

What a bloody relief! That's 4 less gifts to buy, saving about £120 and its 4 less things for me and DH to receive and probably not really want,mso feel it's a waste of time and money, if not thought. Even if people ask us what we'd like, we hugely struggle to come up with something....we just have too much 'stuff' already and really don't want any more.

It's not a sign that we don't like each other or won't make an effort. We will all be together and Christmas and enjoy the company and watching the kids open their presents. And perhaps we will have a nice meal out in lieu of presents - that will be more appreciated than more toiletry sets of scarves, or candles, or kitchen items or recipe books.

I think the big rounds of present buying that many people are involved in are a source of great anguish. Loads of people can't afford it and get into debt over Christmas. They feel it a matter of pride to buy for everyone and sometimes to buy lavishly....again, it seems to be where they are getting their self worth from. And after Christmas they are left with a pile of children's tat and a load of items they are not quite sure where to put. Wanting loads of presents seems like something children want. Adults should be able to cope with a bit more moderation.

Don't make a big deal
Don't buy for her
If there's questions on the day, tell her she can't dictate and remind her that some of the family don't have kids.

Have you discussed it with your other siblings OP? Because they may be all for ditching adult present giving.

I think everybody is getting to worked up over present giving. If you want to give presents, then knock yourself out, however if she doesn't, then that's fine too.

That said I agree it's not on, her dictating who you can and cannot give presents to.

TBH my brothers have never discussed present giving, we all stopped buying for each other when we left home (30 years ago) and I use to by their kids presents when they were small, because I had my dd much later (their kids were teens) they never gave gifts. Annoying but not the end of the world.

She can't dictate what you buy or don't buy in regards to the rest of your family. You don't need to text her and explain or text and say you would still like to buy for others. Since when was it anything to do with her? I would jus agree not to buy each other and focus on the kids. What you do outside of that has bog all to do with her

My other sister was really upset by the text and called to clarify. DSis2 was adamant that the fairest way was to stop all adult gift swapping. Dsis1 told her to poke it.

I'm barely speaking to dsis2 anyway and we're not seeing them Christmas Day. I'm overthinking and overreacting (that's kinda my thing).

I'll stop now. Tis the season and all that.