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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'No adult presents' Wibu to handle it this way?

232 replies

GrabtharsHammer · 22/11/2016 08:08

I have a large family on my side, three siblings, four neices and nephews and both parents. We've always done Christmas presents for all.

This year my middle sister (2dc) has sent out a missive declaring they will only be buying for the children this year and she hopes we are all on board.

Well, we're not. I love buying gifts, they don't have to be expensive but I like to spend time choosing something I know they will love. My other sister is recently divorced and used to be spoilt for gifts by her Dh so she's struggling anyway with this Christmas (she also won't have her DC this year so is coming to us rather than hosting as usual). She's deeply upset by this. Not from a material point of view, but from the emotional side of receiving gifts from loved ones.

My brother is single and has no kids. Confused

I've got three DC and although I'd be happy with no gifts for me I do want to buy for everyone else in the family.

Tbf last year she received lovely gifts from me and DSis1 and we got a tin of biscuits to share with our DH's. So her presents won't be missed! (I don't mean that to be bitchy or ungrateful but there it is).

So wwbu to just ignore the edict and carry on as usual? Would you buy for her and her Dh anyway or just leave them out and buy for the rest of the adults?

I'm a bit miffed by the tone of the text as well. It was basically telling everyone that this is what will be happening for the whole family. Well, sorry but no. It seems very bah humbug.

OP posts:
fiftyval · 22/11/2016 12:19

The trouble with child only presents being assumed to be fairer is that depending on family sizes , it often isn't . I have one child, db has one but dsis has 3. Her family has the highest disposable income but db and I would be spending more because of her family size choices. We already do this on the buy for all system but simply switching to children only wouldn't make it any 'fairer'. Then there's the whole minefield of when do the children become adults? At 18? When they leave uni? When the youngest is an adult? Who decides?

OverTheGardenGate · 22/11/2016 12:19

My other sister was really upset by the text and called to clarify

I just really can't understand all this drama.
How on earth do these people react when something truly awful happens?
Sister says she'd rather not do adult presents this year, which is fairly commonplace, and the whole family falls to pieces.
This thread demonstrates that this xmas gift giving malarkey has gone bloody mad and fraught with undercurrents My daughter knitted me a purse last xmas. It's useless. Coins slide out of it. However, it was bloody hilarious. She's 30.
It's having goodwill and a generous spirit, and being able to laugh together that's important. There doesn't seem to be a lot of that about.

DinosaursRoar · 22/11/2016 12:32

OvertheGardenGate - to be fair, the other sister sounds like she's going to be struggling with Christmas this year, it's her first Christmas since getting divorced, she won't have her DCs with her (assuming first time that has happened too), the upset is probably more that this is yet another way that Christmas is going to be nowhere near what it was in the past.

All of which makes it even more insensitive of the no-gift sister, if your sibling is going to be having their first year single without their DCs with them, I'd think the norm would be the whole family rallying round to make sure they had the best possible time.

EnormousTiger · 22/11/2016 12:43

I suggested the same a few years ago when we were all so busy and some shorter of money than others and it's worked very well. I said buy the children presents up to age 18 for Christmas and birthdays. Stop at 18. That is also fairer as I have older children and more than the others have. It's worked well.

Most presents people buy are a load of rubbish no one wants anyway. So why bother?

Christmas is about love and if you believe in it God. It has nothing much to do with materialism and pointless presents.

OverTheGardenGate · 22/11/2016 12:46

if your sibling is going to be having their first year single without their DCs with them, I'd think the norm would be the whole family rallying round to make sure they had the best possible time

I absolutely agree, and it wasn't my intention to minimise that particular aspect. Of course everyone should rally round and support. That's the essence of what I was saying really. I just don't see how getting a gift from a sister who may not be able to afford it is going to make her feel much better. Having the 'best possible time' wouldn't have to involve receiving gifts, for me. Having my whole family around me, supporting me, and would ensure I had the best possible time. Maybe it's just me.

MaudlinNamechange · 22/11/2016 12:48

"The trouble with child only presents being assumed to be fairer is that depending on family sizes , it often isn't "

I didn't think it had anything to do with "fairness" in some numerical sense - but about the fact that children love presents and adults often don't really care

80sWaistcoat · 22/11/2016 12:55

We're in this position this year - could really do without buying gifts for the adults. I don't think it's going to be a big problem though!

MrsHathaway · 22/11/2016 12:55

Exactly, Maudlin.

Life isn't "fair" and talking about fairness is pretty childish.

IMHO children deserve/need presents because they generally can't buy things for themselves. That tenner from aunty Susie represents the Lego they've had their eye on, or that top for the school disco - whereas for most adults it's a token nothing.

So buying for all the children you love and are close to (DC, DN, DgodC, DgrandC, etc) is totally rational and generous and kind. It's not a symmetrical relationship so you shouldn't expect reciprocation.

On the other hand, you should have a fairly equal and symmetrical relationship with siblings and friends, so the nature of the gifting transaction is completely different.

I don't give to my godchild as a fifth of his "family unit" but as a perfect and unique human being in his own right. Now that's fair!

poorbuthappy · 22/11/2016 12:58

We stopped adult sibling presents on both sides a few years ago when I went on maternity leave (twins) and were absolutely skint.
TBH if they kept buying for each other I really don't mind, it;s made Christmas far more manageable for us and even though I am back in work now we haven't reinstated it. It's hard enough populating lists for 3 kids x 6 without thinking about ourselves as well!

EssentialHummus · 22/11/2016 13:01

This is a family bloody crying out for a Secret Santa arrangement, so that each person could receive one £30-£50 thing they actually wanted.

Bettersleepoutdoors · 22/11/2016 13:08

YABU
And quite controlling tbh.
I would prefer a tin of shortbread as a gift over an overpriced box of toiletries or a silk scarf (un-fucking-believeably bland and thoughtless gift with more than a hint of irritating smugness)
And I would feel quite ill at the idea of causing stress by an expectation of any of my siblings spending around £100 on pointless gifts for grown ups.
I would call her, agree the no gift rule for everyone but tell her youll be getting your other Dsis a bottle of Hendricks.

OverTheGardenGate · 22/11/2016 13:10

The trouble with child only presents being assumed to be fairer is that depending on family sizes , it often isn't

Fair to whom?

If I have six nieces I will treat them all equally. If there are 4 in one family and 2 in another, I would spend (for the sake of example) £10 on each.
I would therefore spend £40 on my sister's children, and £20 on my brother's children. I have 2 adult children so I won't see a return on that.
(Tongue in cheek)

I would not spend £10 each on sister's children and £20 each on brother's children in order to make it 'fair' by spending same on each family. It only needs to be fair to the 'children'.
I am now in imminent danger of disappearing up my own arse.
I know what I mean.

Bettersleepoutdoors · 22/11/2016 13:13

YY gardengate

MaudlinNamechange · 22/11/2016 13:18

I agree, this weird monetary "fairness" thing is so bonkers.

Saltedcaramel2016 · 22/11/2016 13:19

We do that we my brother in laws and their wives ie just buy stuff for each others kids. Mainly because we all enjoy the kids opening stuff but are all a bit broke to bother with each other too!!!

But with our parents and my brother (single and is always very generous to our kids) we all buy.

Chinlo · 22/11/2016 13:19

My family stopped doing adult presents a few years ago. More about the hassle than the money (especially with most of us not really being able to think of much to put on a list!). With four siblings, four OHs, two grandparents, and all the kids on top, it was just too much.

Now we do a secret santa among the adults, so every adult gets one gift, and we all buy gifts for all children/nieces/nephews. The most fun is watching them going crazy over their gifts anyway.

But I suppose the key thing is that we ALL discussed it together the year before making this change, and we all agreed that it would be better.

gillybeanz · 22/11/2016 13:24

If your family have emotions attached to needing to receive gifts, they are a bit unhinged tbh OP
yes, it's nice to receive a gift but you shouldn't be pressured into it if you can't afford or don't want to join in.
At least your sister told you all so you don't buy her anything or expect in return.
It sounds like she was asking if you'd all be on board with not getting her anything, maybe because she knows what a big deal you all make Grin
We have only ever bought for children as can't afford to buy for everyone.
Sorry but YABU to object to her preference.

Headofthehive55 · 22/11/2016 13:40

People don't want to enter the present fest for whatever reason. I think she is telling you that. I'm with her actually. We only buy for the children. I really enjoy choosing stuff for myself, so sometimes presents can actually stop you buying the thing you really wanted as you think we'll, I've got one similar....

Plus the cost, and time spent, which not everyone has.

Original poster
GrabtharsHammer · 22/11/2016 13:43

I think I'm just taking everything she does really personally since she slagged off my (lovely) husband.

There's a whole world of fucked upness in our family, not least that our parents have just remortgaged their house so Dsis2 can buy a bigger house.

I'm going to go back to my disengaged zen bubble of serenity and ignore it all.

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 22/11/2016 13:44

Do as you would normally do but explain to her why you won't go along with her wishes. That way she is prepared for the mutual present giving which she will be excluded from.

We do only children presents except for the singles. It's not only too expensive but it consumes all my free time traipsing round endless shops or trawling the Internet.

fruitbrewhaha · 22/11/2016 13:44

Sassypants82 Tue 22-Nov-16 08:11:23

Suggest a Chris Kindle ?

waaaaaah!!!!!!!

AcrossthePond55 · 22/11/2016 14:23

I keep coming back to the fact that if your Dsis has her way your DB (probably) wouldn't get a single present! My DB is also single/no kids and I wouldn't countenance anything that cut him out that way. My two are grown and when our mum's dementia got so bad that she didn't know it was Christmas anymore, I contemplated doing a Secret Santa or stopping the family gift exchange but then I realized the effect on my brother. We just imposed a spending limit instead.

I'd do as many suggested, buy for Dsis' kids only but I certainly would still buy for my DB and I'd let her know why. Unless you think that DB would be glad to get rid of the shopping hassle in exchange for getting nothing for Xmas.

OverTheGardenGate · 22/11/2016 14:31

Unless you think that DB would be glad to get rid of the shopping hassle in exchange for getting nothing for Xmas

Sounds like a dream come true to me. But then I'm a miserable old git.

Memoires · 22/11/2016 14:46

Sassypants or fruitbrewhaha

What is a Chris Kindle?

GrantharsHammer, as you enjoy buying gifts you ahead and do it. Your sister is not your boss. If you want to buy her something, along with buying for everyone else, then do it. You know she's not going to bother with gifts for you all, so you'll have nothing to worry about (other than the extra mortgage your parents have taken on on her behalf.....). She sounds pretty grabby and unpleasant, especially as she's slagged off your dh, so I think you probably need to keep your eyes on her. Don't let her bully your parents.

MadMags · 22/11/2016 15:37

It sounds like you and one of your sisters have a lot to say about another of your sisters.

Firstly, you said it's not about the money, then you said you were blindsided and upset about a box of biscuits Hmm

Do what you want, but don't buy her a gift. And perhaps stop bitching about one sister to the other?