'No adult presents' Wibu to handle it this way?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I have a large family on my side, three siblings, four neices and nephews and both parents. We've always done Christmas presents for all.

This year my middle sister (2dc) has sent out a missive declaring they will only be buying for the children this year and she hopes we are all on board.

Well, we're not. I love buying gifts, they don't have to be expensive but I like to spend time choosing something I know they will love. My other sister is recently divorced and used to be spoilt for gifts by her Dh so she's struggling anyway with this Christmas (she also won't have her DC this year so is coming to us rather than hosting as usual). She's deeply upset by this. Not from a material point of view, but from the emotional side of receiving gifts from loved ones.

My brother is single and has no kids.

I've got three DC and although I'd be happy with no gifts for me I do want to buy for everyone else in the family.

Tbf last year she received lovely gifts from me and DSis1 and we got a tin of biscuits to share with our DH's. So her presents won't be missed! (I don't mean that to be bitchy or ungrateful but there it is).

So wwbu to just ignore the edict and carry on as usual? Would you buy for her and her Dh anyway or just leave them out and buy for the rest of the adults?

I'm a bit miffed by the tone of the text as well. It was basically telling everyone that this is what will be happening for the whole family. Well, sorry but no. It seems very bah humbug.

The fact she said she hopes you're all on board doesn't sound like she is dictating what happens more that she is 'proposing' what might happen. 🤔

I think suggesting kids only present giving is a great idea and I'd be all for it. I think lots of families do this. We don't give presents to our families and they don't give to us but we all bring nice food and drink when we get together. It's nice because then we can all get what we want and what we can afford.

My parents have ten grandchildren and got in the habit of giving them all £50 for birthdays and £50 for Xmas plus it was slowly going up. As my kids are the oldest I 'dictated' to my parents that they stop when the kids reach 21. My four kids are now adults and are more than happy to just receive a card from them.

Why thank you LyingWitch

I have a lot of brothers and sisters and bought every Christmas for my siblings. I also bought for their children, my nephews and nieces until I had 11 of them. Then I finally had my own first child.
Literally that year my brothers and sisters decided to stop buying for each other and each other's children.

Bastards

Oh, so the fact you're barely speaking to this sister puts a different light on all this.
It's not really about the presents is it? It's about your relationship with her and who determines what happens and what doesn't happen.

Just agree with her about her family. Don't buy anything for the adults in her family, because she's asked you not to. Don't get them something to just make a point that you can choose for yourself. Respect her wishes there. And go ahead and do whatever you like for the rest of the family.

The gracious reply would be 'Good idea for your family and mine to just buy for adults. Let's do that. We'll make individual arrangements about what we do with the rest of the family'
Don't let this become something that further drives a wedge between you. Smile and agree about her family and do what you like regarding the others.

If you are hardly speaking yo your sister and not seeing her on xmas day then why are you fussed at all about getting her a present.

It all sounds unpleasant.

Oh now that wasn't fair, Pagwatch... you'd think that they'd realise immediately that their new nephew/niece hadn't been around for present-time in all the years that you'd been doing it for their own children? Are your siblings of the genuinely clueless club - or the more insidious, 'selectively-dense-yet-playing-innocent' one?

Yes, I was very impressed by your text. I would like to engage you on a consultancy basis please. My wider family is not as distant as I'd like and they're very difficult at times!

Just agree with her about her family. Don't buy anything for the adults in her family, because she's asked you not to. Don't get them something to just make a point that you can choose for yourself. Respect her wishes there. And go ahead and do whatever you like for the rest of the family.

as someone who wholeheartedly agrees with your sister (we live in central London, have a tiny house, and just don't have space for random stuff). I'd be pretty unhappy if you then decided to get me something anyway. respect her wishes, but have your own relationship with the rest of the family.

This is a mine field in our family.
there are about 25 of us siblings, their partners and their children. some of my siblings are now grandparents too
Every year i have bought for every one and start shopping in January to make sure i can afford to get something for each of them.

A few years ago it was suggested no presents after i had finished all my shopping so i said i would give what i had bought and would do no presents following year. following year comes round and all of them got me presents (best ones ive been given from them)

next christmas comes around and i ask before buying if we are doing presents and get told yes, when we all get together and i produce gifts I get told by DSIS that she can afford them and i have only bought them to make everyone feel bad and guilty!

So last christmas i tell them im not bothering in future, now i am getting messages that some are buying and some are not.

My compromise - I have bought a basket for each house and have put in chocolates, biscuits, sweets, a candle, some jams and a special christmas tree decoration. each basket is the same whether they have 2 kids or 6 in the family. everyone will get one regardless. I will do this each year so i can give them something they can all enjoy part of and have a treat. (they will probably moan about that though!)

Your problem is your sister and you value different aspects of Christmas.

Your sister has sent out three clear messages; she gives 'consumable' presents e.g. Biscuits, eaten and done, tin recycled.

She sent her text, re not giving adults presents, which could have been more diplomatic, but which suggests she sees them as piles of pointless things rather than expressions of your love

And she habitually prefers experiences, e.g. Going on holiday lots or going out for a few drinks often rather than having money for other 'things', esp if she has limited resources, which she says she has.

She is telling you loud and clear she doesn't want MORE STUFF. That's totally fair enough!

You on the other hand clearly like stuff; you like looking for it, buying it, giving it and receiving it. This is also perfectly reasonable!

There's no right or wrong, but you should really try and understand her world view as you want her to understand yours. If you want to get on with her, say okay and maybe suggest a few festive drinks (although maybe not if she is mean re yr DH, which seems another issue).

Christmas is made up of things (presents of all kinds) and experiences (carols, parties, extravagant meals, xmas movies, making gingerbread men, listening to xmas music, hosting family, Christmas Day walk, decorating tree and house, school plays, maybe a church service if you're religious or its traditional). Exchanging presents is ONE PART of the overall carnival, she's allowed not to like it, just as you might love that part but loathe xmas music and nativity plays

I am very much like the sister. I hate "things". Random things especially. I much prefer consumables and "experiences" to things. I in particular very much dislike token gifts. Now I have a cheap random thing!

I agree that neither way is necessarily the right way, but if you want to get along you will need to respect each others wishes.

Yabu M&S biscuits are one of the better presents to receive imo. At least they get used up quickly!

We've decided we're doing secret Santa next year as there will be only a couple of under 18's in the family (who will get gifts from everyone). It's going to be much easier this year too as we have less to buy, wrap and deliver as some friends/family dc have turned 18 and others are at prefering money ages.
It could be almost enjoyable.

If she isn't going to buy presents for adults that's up to her & other adults can choose to not buy for her.

Whether the other adults then buy for each other is up to them.

Simple really!

I am like your sister too. Luckily so is my whole family. We are all difficult to buy for so we would all rather not receive Stuff we haven't chosen, and we'd rather not have to agonise over what to buy for family member X.

We have mutually agreed not to give adult gifts which for me is the best present of all . My DCs get gifts and so does Dsis's beloved dog. For adults we give charity gifts - still something to "open" (we go to Good Gifts which sends little cards) but no Stuff.

However in our case, we all feel the same way and agreed it. I don't think one person can impose a no presents rule on the family in the way your sister has tried to do.

She sounds pretty sensible TBH.

However, she can't dictate what the rest of the family does.

Also, November 21st is rather late to be declaring this. Many people have begun their shopping by then given that for the majority, there is just one pay day left.

OK, I think I remember some of your previous threads. Do you think this is your sister's clumsy way of interfering/'helping' by stopping you from shopping too much? Given that she is clearly concerned about you (albeit showing that concern by being horrible about your dh).

My BIL introduced this to our family. We did some, not him for a while, it became really uncomfortable. Now we have no gifts for anybody but the kids .

OP, in your position I would accept DSIS decision and not buy for her and her DH, but just for her DC. With the money you would have spent on her and her DH, you could put it towards a family outing or meal out, or save it towards holiday spends.

I would buy for divorced DSIS and also DB as what you do for them is none of the other DSIS' business and you won't be seeing her on Christmas day and probably not very often after that.

If you're not seeing her Christmas Day why are you making a fuss??

You won't be swapping presents in front of her anyway....

I think she was brave to suggest not buying presents for the adults, other adults maybe thinking the same and just don't want to upset anyone. My husbands family are huge, so now we only buy gifts for the school age children on his side, that's 25 gifts! We did try secret santa for grown ups but it became a bit souless with everyone getting something with a gift receipt so they could take it back! On my side there is less of us so we buy just a small gift for my sister and husband, but there has always been an imbalance because they have four children and we only have one, so we always have to spend a lot more. I think it's sad when people feel obliged to buy gifts, I like to buy for the little ones but I feel pressure to buy for the adults when we really can't afford it. I would be happier if the adults in my family just agreed not to buy gifts to be honest. It wouldn't spoil it, Xmas is so much more than that for me and my husband. It's a shame if people are worrying about the money. I've always taught my son that you don't give to revieve and there are family who don't buy back and I'm ok with that.

'Recieve'

We don't do adult gifts in our families and it's so freeing! But you like doing it so carry on and just don't get her anything. It's wrong for her to dictate what everyone does though, just crack on with what you have planned,

I'd say that if she doesn't want to buy or receive presents for and from the adults that is her choice but you won't be told what to do by her and you will continue to buy for everyone else in the family.

Come Christmas morning make sure no one panders to her sulks when she has nothing to open.

Funny......we've been doing this since four generations now. Children will get presents and for the adults it's the BIG present: everybody around the table, even the ones you haven't seen all year, the most brilliant meal preferably about five courses with wines and lots of fun and jokes. We decided about 30 or so,years ago that the cost of a brilliant meal is probably the same if not more than giving everyone a pressie which most don't like anyway....the meal is always something we don't have during the year, mine is usually a combo of game birds, home made Bavarian bread dumplings and all the usual trimmings. Isn't sharing bread and food the ultimate present!

If everyone has DCs and a signficant other to buy them a gift, then its OK to do this, but if you have siblings with no DCs and you insist on a 'no gifts for adults' rule - then effectively you are telling one of your siblings they will spend money on your family unit, but you won't be doing the same back to them...

I would tell your sister who's requested this that you will respect her decision and won't buy her and her DH a gift, just the DCs, but to let her know you'll still be exchanging gifts with the other adults in the family. Tell your other sister and brother you'll still be getting them gifts, but if they would like to not give adult gifts, you don't mind.

then pop it to the back of your mind.

oh and we do "children gifts only" on DH's side, but as on my side, my DCs are the only children, we still do adult gifts because it just seems cheeky not to buy for the adults when they are buying for my DCs, but as I'm normally asked what I/the DCs/DH wants, I tend to say something like just get DH & me a bottle of wine or some chocolates as they have to buy for the children.

Agree with respecting her wishes for her own family while continuing your own gift giving. But I'm enjoying the stealth boasts about how unreasonable it is to suggest £20-40 is expensive. Mere pocket change dahling!