'No adult presents' Wibu to handle it this way?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I have a large family on my side, three siblings, four neices and nephews and both parents. We've always done Christmas presents for all.

This year my middle sister (2dc) has sent out a missive declaring they will only be buying for the children this year and she hopes we are all on board.

Well, we're not. I love buying gifts, they don't have to be expensive but I like to spend time choosing something I know they will love. My other sister is recently divorced and used to be spoilt for gifts by her Dh so she's struggling anyway with this Christmas (she also won't have her DC this year so is coming to us rather than hosting as usual). She's deeply upset by this. Not from a material point of view, but from the emotional side of receiving gifts from loved ones.

My brother is single and has no kids.

I've got three DC and although I'd be happy with no gifts for me I do want to buy for everyone else in the family.

Tbf last year she received lovely gifts from me and DSis1 and we got a tin of biscuits to share with our DH's. So her presents won't be missed! (I don't mean that to be bitchy or ungrateful but there it is).

So wwbu to just ignore the edict and carry on as usual? Would you buy for her and her Dh anyway or just leave them out and buy for the rest of the adults?

I'm a bit miffed by the tone of the text as well. It was basically telling everyone that this is what will be happening for the whole family. Well, sorry but no. It seems very bah humbug.

You sound as though you've not quite forgiven her for giving you some biscuits last year when you bought her a dreadfully generic and thoughtless expensive gift set.

Perhaps she hates the thoughful gifts you love to buy and can't face pretending to use them again?

I'm personally so fed up of TAT! When people say I don't spend much, just a few token gifts... that means tat.

I kind of agree upanddown but even if gifts aren't expensive, £5 on each adult in both our families would add up to £60. That would be £60 less we would have to spend on our own children. If we then had to buy presents for everyone FROM the dc too.. .that's a very expensive way to teach them the joy of giving.
They can make things and enjoy giving in other ways. Throughout the year.

OP, yab a bit u. It's a bit troubling that you were "upset" by the shortbread last year rather than being understanding that your sister might be struggling to afford Christmas and concerned that she might be embarrassed. My reaction to that would be to spend a bit more on her dc, thinking that she may not be able to afford to get them the things they would love.

You could buy for the rest of the family in a less showy way, give them their gift privately rather than all exchanging gifts in front of your sister. But check they all feel the same about continuing with the gifts.

And definitely don't buy her and her dh a gift. That would be disrespectful. If you actually want to give her something nice, save it for her birthday or for a random surprise.

I just buy for the kids for my SIL's family at her suggestion but still get other adults presents. Works fine. My aunt once tried to make us limit presents to £5. We just ignored it as it made it harder in a way!

A few years ago we were in a position where we were really struggling financially.

We were behind with the mortgage and in the December we didn't have enough money to pay it or even a token payment towards it. We just about had enough money for food and a few gifts from wilkos for our DC.

We asked everyone to please not buy us anything....we wouldn't be able to return the gesture and we would feel really uncomfortable accepting gifts when we had nothing to offer.

I didn't say it to be controlling. I wouldn't have minded in the slightest if the family bought gifts for each other.

But I did feel very uncomfortable being there while the family exchanged gifts and we had nothing to offer....especially as family still bought us things!

If I were you I'd just talk to your sister and come to an agreement.

Ignore if you want. Spend hours and pounds in smelly hot shops buying smelly useless stuff. Which you have been told is not wanted.

It is the thought that counts, not the gift.

If the rest of you want to carry on, fine. Adults won't have a problem.

I think you're being really mean.
Christmas costs can add up before you know it. Maybe she can't afford gifts and the biscuits were all she could afford?
For the members of our family who have kids, we just buy for the kids. My brother doesn't have kids so I get him a gift.
We all agreed this because if we bought each other gifts it would add up to hundreds of pounds for 1 day. We all club together and provide food & drinks for the day and that's our gifts to each other.
It gets to the point where its just swapping gift sets.
Stop being so bloody mean.

See my sister is the same as you: enjoys gifting and puts a lot of effort into finding stuff we will 'love'. It all ends up shoved in a drawer, sent to a charity shop or passed on of course. No doubt, same as the stuff we buy her

This. Buying for adult relatives is the biggest waste of money. Ever.
We have a fairly big extended family and we stopped buying grown up gifts 3 - 4 years ago. It was me who suggested it, but everybody jumped on board with the idea with alacrity. It has reduced post xmas clutter.
I actually volunteer in a charity shop, and the post xmas influx of unwanted gifts is legendary.

I find this situation strange, it happens in my own life. My family all buy adult gifts mainly due to the fact we have no children, however my partners family is all about the kids.
It is really hard going round there watching the step children open cheap toy after cheap toy and pretending to be impressed. Worse thing is they are a dry house so I don't even get a glass of wine to compensate. Last year I was so bored. It's hard to be entertained by a kid eating its own body weight in chocolate and playing with a train when it's not yours.
Possibly how your brother will feel

There is something a bit controlling about gift giving at times. I know you mean well but for many people, having more stuff is actually a burden, not a pleasure.

for me, I am struggling with money this year and am recently separated. I really want a few very expensive things (one Dior and one Guerlain perfume) which I might get from my parents but I wouldn't ask for from people like my sister or brother.

when I get things that cost at least half that and say more about the giver (really ugly expensive eco stuff from my sister, for instance) I wish I could have had nothing, or put the money towards my grocery bill.

It's easy.
middle sister - doesn't want to be part of gift giving - that's understood
other sister - needs to feel loved and cared for and if gift-giving is part of that, and you want to do it, then good
Brother with no children - ask him.

the biscuits were a bit of a blindside and tbh upset us a bit

That's a bit dramatic. I seriously couldn't summon up the energy to be upset because I spent more on my sister than she did on me. Anyway, I thought it didn't have to cost much.

I don't think it's fair of the sister to impose a rule on the whole family, the situation is too nuanced for a catch-all solution like that.
I think YANBU to just buy for your DNs, but still buy for your other family members as you would normally.

FWIW, on DP's side, we have an agreement with SIL that we'll only buy for the children, rather than trying to stretch the budget out for two children and two adults. We still both buy for single SIL, MIL and FIL. On my side we still buy for my single DB and DS, and my DPs.

YABU and controlling. You're imposing your desire to shop on everyone else.

Isn't that what her DSis is doing too?

Why don't you agree that everyone buys for kids and with the adults do a secret Santa complete with amazon wish list for each adult. £20 spends. That way it's not wasteful frittering landfill stuff given and she doesn't have to think too much about what to get for whom

I don't see why your sister gets to decide that no adults get presents this year, if she doesn't want to buy for adults fair enough but what you do is up to you.

You sound like you enjoy the present shopping OP so go ahead and do as you normally do.

I was on your side until you made those snubs about biscuits and it does seem that you do give to receive or you wouldn't have mentioned it.

We do a secret santa which means each person gets a nicer present but we all don't have to struggle to buy something small for everyone.

Just to clarify, I wasn't upset because the biscuits were cheap! It was because a) I hate shortbread and b) it's the kind of gift you buy for a distant relative or one of your child's nursery assistants.

Why does your sister thinks she gets to dictate who you all buy for?

If she doesn't want to buy for adults then that's her choice but she shouldn't be telling everyone else what to do.

You clearly enjoy the gift buying/giving so buy for all child and adults as you normally do, just don't buy for your sister.

My sister doesn't buy for adults hasn't for years, it's never been a problem we just buy for each other's children

OP do you have more free time than her? I'm a single parent, I work, I live in the middle of nowhere and I hate hate hate shopping. Buying Christmas presents is a huge slog, and there's no way I'd waste the little time and energy I have buying token gifts for adult relatives who could well afford to buy stuff themselves.

I suggested this to my DH's family a couple of years ago, and it didn't go down well. Seems mad to me, as everyone earns well enough to buy the things they actually want, meaning at Christmas everyone's scrabbling around to think of things to buy, and we all end up giving and receiving a load of crap that no one really wants or has space for.

Apparently my attitude is not in the "spirit of the season" though!

No one gives adult presents in my family as a matter of course. We give to kids - and young adults who aren't earning a regular wage yet - but once you're in full-time employment that's it.

I sacked off the adult p[resents years ago, I have 2 siblings, DH has three, I hate shopping for and wrapping presents and thinking of exciting, interesting gifts.

One SIL was delighted, the other not so. When the children got to high school, SIl number 1 agreed we should stop that too. We had got to about 10-12 nephews, nieces and best friends' children each.

Now I buy for my grown up children, DH, mum, dad, MIL, FIL, all done by second week in November.

I do not give to receive, at all, but it felt like a bit of a snub last year. If she'd said she only wanted to do token gifts it wouldn't have been so awkward.

Anyone who says they spent X amount on gifts last year only to get biscuits in return, is very much giving to receive in my book. The contempt towards your sister and her inability to keep up with you is coming through loud and clear IMO.

Very glad my family concentrate more on spending time together than being so grabby, I like giving and spend hours choosing for others, I don't dictate that anyone else has to do the same and I don't expect them to either.

I wouldn't give her or her dh anything, even a token gift, as it might make her feel awkward or embarrassed for not reciprocating.

Agree. It's really PA to buy her a token gift when she has specifically asked not to have one.

OP, why don't you buy a gift for someone in a women's shelter instead of DSis? They mean the world to someone who has very little - link here

a) I hate shortbread and b) it's the kind of gift you buy for a distant relative or one of your child's nursery assistants

What like a gift set?