'No adult presents' Wibu to handle it this way?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I have a large family on my side, three siblings, four neices and nephews and both parents. We've always done Christmas presents for all.

This year my middle sister (2dc) has sent out a missive declaring they will only be buying for the children this year and she hopes we are all on board.

Well, we're not. I love buying gifts, they don't have to be expensive but I like to spend time choosing something I know they will love. My other sister is recently divorced and used to be spoilt for gifts by her Dh so she's struggling anyway with this Christmas (she also won't have her DC this year so is coming to us rather than hosting as usual). She's deeply upset by this. Not from a material point of view, but from the emotional side of receiving gifts from loved ones.

My brother is single and has no kids.

I've got three DC and although I'd be happy with no gifts for me I do want to buy for everyone else in the family.

Tbf last year she received lovely gifts from me and DSis1 and we got a tin of biscuits to share with our DH's. So her presents won't be missed! (I don't mean that to be bitchy or ungrateful but there it is).

So wwbu to just ignore the edict and carry on as usual? Would you buy for her and her Dh anyway or just leave them out and buy for the rest of the adults?

I'm a bit miffed by the tone of the text as well. It was basically telling everyone that this is what will be happening for the whole family. Well, sorry but no. It seems very bah humbug.

And yes, I totally agree about making sure everyone knows what's going on well before Christmas Day.

I have suggested the same to my sister as I just can not afford it. I want to get a few little bits for niece and nephew and my mum (as she won't have lots of people buying for her).
I wish I could afford it, I love buying presents or even making them, though even that can cost a bit too much and I don't have time this year.
If my sister does buy for me and my partner I'm going to feel v uncomfortable and embarrassed, after I asked her not to. It's not being mean I just honestly can't.

It all sounds a bit grabby and who can spend the most to me ('we bought her lovely expensive gifts'). Maybe she's hard up or maybe she doesn't see the point in buying stuff for the sake of it? Personally I'd have appreciated the tin of shortbread far more than £20-40 (expensive?!) of stuff that I then had to take to a charity shop. Don't buy her something because you know you'll be making her feel bad (and I'm pretty sure that's not what Christmas is about) & tell her in advance that you'll still be buying for the rest.

I'm on her side I think! We do the 'no adult' presents on my side of the family. Frankly we are so busy with work and home and everything that its just an added stress trying to figure out what to buy people. Everyone will receive a gift though because their partners will get them one! It's different if someone is single I think, everyone should have something to open.

On my dh's side of the family, nobody would agree to no adult presents! But instead everyone agreed to just buying one present, with a top value of £X for the adult name they pick out of the hat. It isn't 'secret' as everyone knows who is buying for who but at least its just one pressie to buy.

Your comment about the shortbread she bought isn't very nice.

I fucking LOVE shortbread myself.

Reply to all , so that the rest of the family know what you are doing and then they can make up their own minds whether to follow your lead or hers.

I would be inclined to give them a bottle of wine between them. It means she has something to open and won't cost much. She might even share it while she is there.

nooka I agree, the presents from the younger children to the adults ( aunties and grandparents) are one of the best bits of it all. Fun things they have made or favourite sweets that they have come up with " because Granpa loves them".

You say that you like gifting but it seems like you only like it if you get the same value present back which is a bit of a contradiction.

You sound a bit like my sister who is never ever happy with what she gets given, always exchanges for something else and is unhappy with a voucher because there's not enough thought in it.

We do secret Santa now - £60 per adult and still buy gifts for the children.

I would check with your other siblings and see what they think (you will struggle if you are the onlly one who wants to carry on with the gift giving).

But if they are onboard, then I would send her an email back saying that you see no issue at all with the no gift thingy between you and her but you will carry on doing the gift giving to your other siblings as yoou really enjoy doing it (and they are happy with it too).

Fwiw we stopped doing gifts to siblings on DH side because between him and his dsis, they had no idea what to give to each other and everyone was struggling every year to find something 'nice'. It was a relief not to do it iyswim.

Oh and I meant to add, it's not up to your sister in law to dictate to the whole family but completely reasonable for her not to give or receive adult presents if that's what she wants.

I haven't read the full thread, I apologise. I bet they just cannot afford it. The site moneysavingexpert recommends doing this, in fact. They might be trying to buy more things for the kids but cannot afford to buy for all adults. They don't want to resort to giving tat, they cannot afford to give good presents, there is always birthdays to be thoughtful... they decide to ask for no presents. If you give them presents anyway, you'll just make them feel bad and guilty. I would instead suggest that you agree to stick to something symbolic and small like £20 present for the household or do what a friend of mine does: every member is assigned only one member, they buy an expensive present only for that one person and every year changes who gives to whom. They all get one very good present, they all got used to the arrangement.

I personally don't like it when I get just random not-personal stuff, things that gave been bought in different sakes through the year that were purchased because they were cheap, not because I would like them or need them. However, I know those who are doing that are trying to save money. I rather we agree to a maximum amount or just one single present, so they would not feel forced to buy lots of things that will end up in a drawer. I mean, I've received things that were twice my size sometimes... I think you are being a bit unreasonable and not seeing why they might have requested this.

UterusUterus I want to send you a present as well. To at least say thanks for the username that makes me

As a compromise I would suggest you all do a secret Santa for the adults so they are only buying 2 presents per couple. I agree though xmas presents often go to chazza shops or landfill so understand where your sis is coming from

To be honest, she 'hopes you're all on board' is pretty vague so you can make 'being on board' what you want it to be. Just buy for your other siblings. We've long had the kids only agreement in our family. There is something a bit loopy about me going out and spending £20 on my sister and her going out and spending £20 on me. We might as well each keep our £20 and save ourselves the hassle. I did make an exception the year she was divorced mind you so I get where you're coming from there.

You kind of sound as 'controlling' as her by insisting that adults still buy for each other whilst bitching about what she buys. Cut her loose. Not everyone enjoys 'gifting'.

Maybe she is embarrassed to receive lovely expensive gifts from you but only be able to afford small gifts in return. She is giving you advance warning. You will spend less money if your gifts are usually expensive. What's to complain about

You sound mean to me. You seem to be taking more pleasure in knowing she'll be watching everyone else open gifts than the actual giving.

If I was buying for everyone else, I wouldn't single one person out no matter what she's said. And I wouldn't be looking to 'pay her back' for the not-well-received, upsetting tin of biscuits.

Sure, get the rest of the family on board, no matter what your sisters reasons, but it's pretty shitty to be so smug about your sister missing out. I'd do something small, but nice, a token at least.

I really dislike the expectation that those without DCs should expect no gifts at the same time asking for gifts for their DCs. I have various agreements with individuals which has basically led to many adult gifts now not being exchanged. But the end of November is a shit time to request this.

I didn't mean expensive as in flashy or show offy, it's just that we've always gone down the route of gifts being something you wouldn't necessarily splash out on yourself. Like a silk scarf, or some lovely skincare bits, or an overpriced bottle of gin.

And it's always been something we either know the recipient will like, or that they have mentioned wanting.

I do not give to receive, at all, but it felt like a bit of a snub last year. If she'd said she only wanted to do token gifts it wouldn't have been so awkward.

ive just had an idea, why dont you all buy presents for your divorced sister this year. My ex's sister split up with her DH just before christmas a few years ago, she was hard up and struggling, so we all decided to chip in and got her some really lovely gifts, basically she was spoilt rotten. Its not about the money, it was the thought that someone cared about her enough to make her a priority

Where have I said I'm smug about leaving her out? I WANT to get her something ffs.

My brother suggested it for him, me and my sister. We agreed and do it, but I always still buy for my sister who is a single parent so no present from a partner. He's happy, we're happy, sister is happy.

*have not gave
*sales not sakes

It also read as I don't like cheap gifts, but with "tat" I was really trying to say "things I cannot use", things that will just clutter the home, such as the 2 size up pyjamas for me, the one year too small jumper for DC, or metal jewellery I'm allergic to (they know). It's improving over the years but at some point it was all a bit baffling.

I say talk to your sister. Explain how much you love shopping buying presents and if she's a reasonable person then she'll be happy for you both to do xmas your own way.

Off rail, I wish my relatives would spend time choosing my presents with love. Every year I get more stuff that I feel obliged to keep out on display or wear, when all I actually want is books, fudge and more books. But apparently these are boring presents. So much for choosing with love then.

Morning OP and all, I would respect her wishes not to give or receive gifts but carry on as usual with the rest of the family.

My sister does the same (though in her case plenty of money just can;t be bothered) if she's not seeing us around christmas but does buy something if we're seeing her Christmas day.

I'm like your sister - single but at least my mum and DS (10) buy me something. It isn't really the value, it's participating in gift giving and receiving and feeling that there are people who care enough about you to make some effort.

My sister wouldn;t dream of telling other members of the family not to buy.

I (or DS) always buy a token present for anyone we're spending Christmas with - even if it's from the pound shop (and even if it's shortbread!). I do agree that if you have a history of spending say £30 oneach other, it was a bit off to buy a box of shortbread without warning you in advance.

I would tell your sister that you won't buy for her if she doesn't want you to but that you will be buying for other adults. Don't feel awkward about it - it's her choice.