'No adult presents' Wibu to handle it this way?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I have a large family on my side, three siblings, four neices and nephews and both parents. We've always done Christmas presents for all.

This year my middle sister (2dc) has sent out a missive declaring they will only be buying for the children this year and she hopes we are all on board.

Well, we're not. I love buying gifts, they don't have to be expensive but I like to spend time choosing something I know they will love. My other sister is recently divorced and used to be spoilt for gifts by her Dh so she's struggling anyway with this Christmas (she also won't have her DC this year so is coming to us rather than hosting as usual). She's deeply upset by this. Not from a material point of view, but from the emotional side of receiving gifts from loved ones.

My brother is single and has no kids.

I've got three DC and although I'd be happy with no gifts for me I do want to buy for everyone else in the family.

Tbf last year she received lovely gifts from me and DSis1 and we got a tin of biscuits to share with our DH's. So her presents won't be missed! (I don't mean that to be bitchy or ungrateful but there it is).

So wwbu to just ignore the edict and carry on as usual? Would you buy for her and her Dh anyway or just leave them out and buy for the rest of the adults?

I'm a bit miffed by the tone of the text as well. It was basically telling everyone that this is what will be happening for the whole family. Well, sorry but no. It seems very bah humbug.

The OP said in her OP that it was important to her that presents were thoughtful, not that they were expensive. I assumed that she was sad that her and her sister put thought and love into their gifts to the no-presents-this-year sister and got something so generic in return.

Not sure why the assumption that the current presents for adults are rubbish to to be thrown away, or why the whole family's present giving that no one else apparently has issues with needs to be reinvented. I know that some people like the single more expensive present way to manage Christmas, but personally I'd be really sad to only have one parcel to open, regardless of the monetary value of what's inside.

Tbh I'm probably making this into a big deal because of recent events (she sent me a long text about how Dh isnt good enough for me, basically).

Ah fuck it. I'll buy for her kids and all the rest of my family and just get on with enjoying Christmas.

We don't buy for siblings, only their DCs if they're under 18. We do buy for parents, and parents buy for their DCs. This cuts the number of gifts to have to fork out for right down for everyone. One BIL doesn't have any DCs. He still gets a present from his parents. Everyone gets something on the day.

I think i'd hate to have loads of money spent on me when i haven't got the cash to reciprocate every year. Maybe tell your sister that you're more than happy to receive a token gift like last year and it didn't bother you, as the it's the thought that counts ...

... except it did bother you and you found it awkward. I guess your DSIS picked up on it and that is why she is suggesting what she is. You seem to expect gifts to have equal value. Which i have to say doesn't suggest this wonderful spirit of loving gift giving which you say you have.

I appreciate in some families it can be difficult but I really don't like the 'only buy for the DC' idea at all. I don't think it teaches the children the right attitude about gift giving and celebrating. I think you do need to show children that Christmas is not about younger people getting big piles of gifts or very expensive ones but about everyone sharing the gift giving time and enjoying the moment together. Gifts don't have to be expensive at all.
Why don't talk to your DSis and reassure her that you have no expectation regarding a gift? You will have to have a conversation with her at some point - soon.

If she's a reasonable person then she'll be happy for you both to do xmas your own way

Or, op will feel resentful when she receives a tin of shortbread in return for an expensive gift and op's sister will feel thoroughly embarrassed and like the poor relation. I really don't think that maintaining the status quo is an option for either party tbh.

op I don't think you sound grabby or materialistic at all. I totally get where you are coming from.

My PILs are not wanting anything this year which is fine and I have got some silly party favours for us all to open on the day (Brussels sprout roulette, selfie props) but I can feel their dads approval bearing down on me as I merrily festoon my DH and children with gifts. I feel judged. I like giving presents, it's a love language for me. And I love to receive!!

It's a minefield and very hard to get right at the best of times. But i like the idea of just getting a little thing for everyone and saying you don't want or expect anything in return but you love choosing and buying little things and it's an important part of your Christmas.

I asked DB what he and his partner would like this year. He said they were scaling right down (partner went MAD with all the present buying last year. ) He then amended it to don't buy anything for him and just a tiny thing for his partner. As I'm going to stay with them I will get a little but nice thing for them both and for his partner's grown up kids)

YABU and controlling. You're imposing your desire to shop on everyone else. What you're really bothered about is that you're being denied an opportunity to go shopping.

If you hate shopping, it's not a fun activity, it's an exhausting stressful bore. And it's really disheartening to be presented with a load of stuff that you don't want and you have to either find somewhere to keep or give away and feel the guilt. It's all such a waste of time and money.

One person's carefully chosen thoughtful gift is another person's pile of waste of money pointless tat and because everyone's too polite to say what they really think, you don't know that they will love it at all.

You haven't answered the question though. Is it that SHE CAN'T AFFORD IT? In which case you're being a bit of a cow.

We have DC's only rules, but as i currently don't have a DC, my brothers & SIL's still buy for me and my partner. I have 2 brothers with 2x DC's each, it's all pretty fair.

She'd be getting fuck all from me if she'd said that about my dh, op

Does indeed sound like there's a back story and you'd be right to concentrate on other family members while cutting your 'losses' with her.

I think it's a sensible approach - we used to do presents for everyone and was just more expense and hassle for everyone, plus often people ended up with presents which they probably wouldn't have chosen for themselves, and had to find space for all the gifts they ended up with.

Now we just do presents for all the children, and a Secret Santa for the adults (with a spending limit of £20). That way people who like shopping can spend their time and energy getting the perfect SS gift for whoever's name they've been allocated.
And people (like me!) who don't like shopping have a much less stressful lead up to Christmas.
The Secret Santa present giving and unwrapping process is so much fun every year that the children want to be included too !

The Secret Santa was my suggestion and everyone agreed to try it once - it was so much fun that we've done it every year since.

(obviously people can still do presents for their partners)

It's not just about money and whether or not people can afford it. It's all just so unnecessary for adults with their own money to buy each other gifts. If you want something, just buy it.

Otherwise, you either end up spending time and money exchanging stuff that nobody wants or else you have to give everyone specific lists and the whole thing ends up as a charade.

What sense does it make for me to tell my sister to buy me some brown leather gloves from Debenhams for Christmas and for her to tell me to buy her the Boots Soap and Glory big set for us to then wrap and exchange on Christmas Day when we know exactly what we are getting?

And even if she can afford it - maybe she just doesn't like the hassle and the waste? I don't like getting presents if I know I won't use them.

If she doesn't want to get involved in present-buying, that really is up to her and nobody else.

OP you haven't answered the question about whether she can afford it. If she can't then you're being dreadfully mean.

We don't buy for adults either unless they have no partner or children. We buy for our own parents though.

I really don't like the 'only buy for the DC' idea at all. I don't think it teaches the children the right attitude about gift giving.

I'd argue that it teaches them exactly the right idea: that it's OK to give a gift without expecting one back. I'm quite shocked at the amount of adults on this thread who seem quite sulky about not getting gifts back, especially to equal value

What sense does it make for me to tell my sister to buy me some brown leather gloves from Debenhams for Christmas and for her to tell me to buy her the Boots Soap and Glory big set for us to then wrap and exchange on Christmas Day when we know exactly what we are getting

My mum said this about the arrangement she had with my aunt too - they'd end up exchanging gift vouchers! That said, my DH tells me what he wants and vice versa. It's still nice having something to open on the day and we usually slip in a surprise item or two as well.

Maybe she doesn't want to have to come up with a gift for your DH?

I'm not sure about their financial situation tbh. They do plead poverty a lot but have several holidays a year and he's in the pub most weekends.

It makes it expensive here if we bought for everyone as I have 4 siblings, dh has 2 plus one SIL has 6 kids, another has 3, my sister has 3. We decided to cut down on that expense a few years ago when my sister really couldn't afford to give us gifts and it's just stayed that way.

You can't make her want to buy presents. She is just declaring her hand, which is fine.
But she doesn't have the right to stop you buying presents for people you want to buy for.

It sounds as if there will be quite a lot of people there, so it will not be obvious if there isn't absolute symmetry when it comes to present-opening time. You can just reply now saying "I understand you don't want to do presents for adults this year and respect that, but I will be buying some presents for adults".

I went through a phase of not buying for my BIL because after several years of putting a lot of thought into it and getting no "thank you" at all, I just decided he wouldn't notice if I stopped (on the basis that he didn't notice when I did). He has never given me a present (my sister, his wife, does). No one has ever mentioned this and I have no idea whether anyone noticed.

Why don't you just pick up the phone and speak to her about it rather than bitching to randoms on the Internet? Do you even know if she's financially unable to meet your Christmas standards? You sound very much like you do give to receive and you have very much missed the true meaning of Christmas.

Exactly op. Just do that - whatever you usually do for the rest of your family and this new approach with hers ( as last year shows that something wasn't working anyway).

Enjoy choosing lovely things for her kids. Enjoy choosing lovely things for your sister and your parents. And the children will experience adults getting presents ( and can help with the choosing/ wrapping too, if old enough!) so it isn't all about the kids just receiving things.

Have a lovely Christmas.

It might not be about the money.

One person's lovely gift is someone else's unimaginative tat that's headed straight for the school tombola.

Just leave her out of it in future. It'll be a relief for all of you.

Is there a way the rest of you can do your gift exchanging without her physically being there if you think she'll sit there with a face like a slapped arse?