to ask what funny things you said in labour?

[ollieplimsoles]

Me and dh were just reminiscing about dd's birth just over a year ago. I had been hypnobirthing and was trying to remain cool and calm through the whole thing...

...then I hit transition. I remember the worst contraction of the whole ordeal forcing me to the floor howling and throwing up, dh looked on in horror and when it was over I bawled 'I swear its not as bad as it looks!!'

I also told him that I was thirsty "but its ok I've found a lake, oh wait its a mirage" I was hallucinating on g&a.

Anyone else?

I had a contraction whilst the MW was checking how dilated I was. If trapped her hand up there and she had to wait it out. I was on the bed shouting 'I'm a glove puppet' and laughed that hard that I broke the G and A.
I am crying at that one!!

With DD2 DP told me that I had said (screamed), if I have to do one more (contractions) I'm going to jump out of that window.
I don't remember saying this and I thankfully stayed away from the window

i had gas and air and pethedine.. felt drunk.. although i was in labour all i did was ask my other half if he was ok.. "r u ok? ru sure ur ok?" .. "shall we go home? I feel drunk, your not and you probably want to drive me home now? r u ok.. your not bored?" i mustve got on his nerves!!! haha. funny looking back now. sounded like a drunk teenager!!!

To the poor anaesthetist who was explaining the possible risks of having an epidural
'I don't bloody care just get it in!'

I'm a glove puppet has finished me off.

"This is fucking outrageous, this system clearly doesn't work!" (After 30+ hours).
"If men had to give birth they'd have found a cure by now. It's blatant misogyny!"
Whispering to DH "Phone BUPA, I've got some money stashed away, I can pay for an epidural. I'll just walk out and get the bus if you don't take me there". (After 35 hours with only g&a). I had about £150 in an ISA. Pretty sure that wouldn't have covered it.

I did the stark naked thing that others have mentioned,with DD1. I'm rather relieved to discover I'm not alone, as I haven't met anyone in RL who has admitted to it.

DD2 was quite quick and I didn't realise I was in labour. The midwife assured me I was, at which point I said "but I can't be in labour, I've got an Ocado delivery coming at 5"

"My birth plan for dc2 was written, mostly a summary of my medical history and the sentence "please tell the Bounty woman to fuck off so I don't have to". At least 6 MWs came to me on the postnatal ward to confirm they had gleefully done just that!"

notcitrus I'm SO putting that on my notes this time

DS 1 - I politely stated 'well, this is the worst night of my life'
DD 1- MW broke my waters and said right, we'll move you to delivery suite, I replied 'no I'm not going, I'm having the baby here' followed by a huge push, and I did.
DS 2- my biggest baby and hard work to push out 'if I were you I'd do an episiotomy. I don't mind, honestly'
DD 2-talked into an epidural for induction and topped up without an examination and I was actually fully dilated. Couldn't feel a thing for two hours and was mightily pissed off every time the MW asked 'any urge to push yet ?'. The final time I'd been feeling a lot of pressure but it was like I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of admitting it, really weird, so I said no grumpily then when she left said to DH 'are you ready ? you need to catch this baby'
DD 3- I had shoulder dystocia and the room filled with people, and the consultant performed a painful turning manoeuvre that DH described after as 'half her arm disappeared' . He said I just said in a tiny voice ' oh ouch, but thank you' She laughed and said 'how polite, you're welcome'

Apparently I kept telling DH that I loved him

piebald I'm done

I was walking to my c-section but kept trying to turn back because I was petrified and wanted to go home. Managed to pin my DH against the wall by trying to push away from the table. They had to sedate me and when I was shown my beautiful DD asked if she was a boy

I thought the Beatles were all in the room watching me. I kept telling the midwife and DH to make them leave, I told DH he had to be really careful or he would faceplant at the Sex and the City garden party (wtf?), and I was clinging to the bed for dear life because I thought I was going to fall through it. DH was very calming and reassuring but he told me afterwards that he was really struggling to keep it together and not start laughing at me!

Not a funny hallucination or anything but with DC2 I had an ELCS but went into spontaneous labour first. I had a really strong contraction just after the spinal went in so I was contracting but going numb at the same time. It was very disorientating and combined with the nerves about the section it sent me into a right panic. I had a midwife, a theatre nurse and the (gorgeous I must say!) anaesthetist all trying to calm me down and get me to lie down while I was sobbing "I can't! It hurts but it doesn't hurt! I feel weird! I want to go home!" I was very embarrassed once I calmed down and spent the first part of the op apologising to them!

Oh and the nerves also gave me total verbal diarrhoea throughout my section. I don't think I shut up at all!

I vaguely recall singing 'Wandrin' Star' from Paint Your Wagon while on the Gas and Air. Thought my voice was deep enough .

With DS, at transition, I decided I was going home and started getting out of the pool - 'I'm going home. I don't think the baby is coming today'. He was born 20 minutes later.

To prepare for the birth I'd read a lot about focusing on outcomes, remembering labour is temporary, visualising the baby etc. I have also watched Zoolander 15-20 times in my life. One sniff of G&A and I kept repeating "This is a day spa. Day. Day spa."

Going into the second night of labour, my DH said the hospital walls were moving in and out due to the huge breaths of G&A I was taking in and suggested putting the G&A down for a bit - it was the only time I've lost it with him.

My midwife was convinced I had a second amniotic sac that hadn't broken. I took so much G&A whilst she was trying to break my 'second' waters (?!) that I was as high as a kite when a Dr came in and asked if he could examine me internally? I replied "as long as you've got little hands" and thought it was the funniest thing I had ever said
(And there was no second sac after all)

'I AM FUCKING GAIA'

'Bowie is appalled guys. Sorry Bowie' (To the poster of David Bowie above my sofa where I was pushing DS out

Do you want tea? My husband can get you tea. DH, get these women some tea! (to the new midwives who turned up just as DS was being born)

"Did you? Ok. No. Over there. Yes she is. I know I am. I haven't thought about it yet. He did. Yes I will. She's right, you know. No no, ok then.."

Apparently I thoroughly enjoyed this conversation with myself while the midwife and DP looked a bit (20 odd hours in with pethadine, 'twas brilliant to be honest ) it did wear off after a couple of hours and I came back to earth.

To anaesthetist "I'm so sorry" for the fist 4 times I farted on him. "I don't even care any more" for the fifth.

Also to the anaesthetist as he handed me a leaflet about the side effects of an epidural whilst I was screaming in pain "DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO READ A FUCKING LEAFLET? GIVE ME THE FUCKING EPIDURAL"

I had my 8hours shut (but very awake!) for 8 hours, contractions didn't stop they were literally one after the other from beginning to end I was in agony. So sick of everyone touching me and "checking in" STILL IN PAIN! (I know it's their job, but who can be nice when in pain). Everyone that came in said "your lips look really sore" "your lips look really dry" and it was the only thing I could control so refused a drink or my lip balm. Until after she was out and I realised how sore they were and asked for a drink and my lip balm.

With my DD the midwife turned the radio on and Justin Bieber came on just as I was pushing I started crying and saying 'my baby can't be born to Justin Bieber, she'll get bullied at school'
With my son I had been checked minutes before and was told I was 3cm, told DP I needed to push 10 minutes later and he told a carer who come in and told me I needed to poo probably to make room for the baby. Off I toddled to the toilet(not really believing but doing as was said) DP was stood outside while I was making mooing noises and asked if I was okay and he could come in and I shouted 'I'm having a huge poo from my fanny' he pulled the buzzer to get help and it become apparent that DS's head was hanging out while I was sat on the toilet. Midwife asked 'can you get to the bed?' I cried and said 'no it'll have to be a bog baby' 4 months later he still frequently gets called bog boy...

These are brilliant. I fell asleep in my first labour. A combination of too much g&a and two nights of no sleep meant the hours I spent in the pool are a huge blur. With my second I was pretty convinced that I wasn't anywhere close. I asked for some g&a but gave it back to them as 'it wasn't working very well this time' so got into the pool. After one contraction I whispered to my oh that I needed to push. Quite why I felt I needed to withold that info from the mws, I'm not sure! Straight after the birth I also announced, now I've ticked that off, I'll have an epidural next time!

Should also add, that the second labour did hurt but was just so much easier and quicker, that I didn't take it seriously. Looking back, I was lucky my mum forced me to go in, otherwise I would have given birth on the motorway.

Ds2 got completely stuck and I was in agony, G&A did fuck all for the pain. If been pushing for hours and I was exhausted I kept asking where's my baby and holding my arms out to take him. Dh told me I was still in Labour and I wailed why isn't he here yet? For ages.

DS1: I ordered my Mum to ring my Dad and tell him to go to the off licence and buy me a bottle of tia maria for Xmas. I hadn't had a drink in months and it was Xmas that week so I said I wanted to make sure I had a nice drink. Also told the midwife I had changed my mind, I didn't want to do this anymore and started packing my bag. She had the biggest smirk on her face the whole time.

DD: My epidural wore off and they had to ring the anethesist to come check it out only he never arrived until after the baby was born. I waited til the midwife left the room then insisted to him that the midwife had switched off the epidural during labour to speed things up and refused to call him when I asked her to. He was quick to assure me he really was busy and had been in A&E with a bad road traffic accident.