to ask what funny things you said in labour?

[ollieplimsoles]

Me and dh were just reminiscing about dd's birth just over a year ago. I had been hypnobirthing and was trying to remain cool and calm through the whole thing...

...then I hit transition. I remember the worst contraction of the whole ordeal forcing me to the floor howling and throwing up, dh looked on in horror and when it was over I bawled 'I swear its not as bad as it looks!!'

I also told him that I was thirsty "but its ok I've found a lake, oh wait its a mirage" I was hallucinating on g&a.

Anyone else?

Got G&a for dc2 and an epidural within 15 min of getting to hospital. I started explaining to DP how giving birth was actually worse for him because I was busy doing it and had the lovely lovely g&a, but he had to just watch and worry and didn't have a bed so it was worse for him...

He tried to argue that actually I might have it slightly harder, but I wouldn't have it. I went on for over half an hour, apparently!

My birth plan for dc2 was written, mostly a summary of my medical history and the sentence "please tell the Bounty woman to fuck off so I don't have to". At least 6 MWs came to me on the postnatal ward to confirm they had gleefully done just that!

I love these threads! unfortunately I said nothing funny at all, save apologising to dh for pooing (in the loo) in front of him (they told him to stay with me as I was having difficulty walking) and asking him a couple of times if he was ok (he looked worried!) I must have seemed like a bloody stepford wife!

Pregnant again at the moment, so maybe I'll be able to contribute something better next time!

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who lost her mind on g&a!

I remember I also said 'is that it?!' When dd was handed to me...
When I started pushing I turned to dh and said "its ok, it doesn't hurt anymore, like...AT ALL" then I shouted "something's wrong its not hurting anymore!" At the midwives.

'Fuck a duck' 'fuck a duck' over and over, I don't normally say it lol

With DD1 I kept saying "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck" but whispering it. The midwife said loudly "it's okay, you can swear out loud".

I kept calling my husband 'snails' and thought I could see nuns floating around! Good old g & a, great stuff!

Not me, but DH. We were totally convinced DD was going to be a second boy. She duly arrived, the midwife said to DH, "Well, tell her what she's got, then!", and he stuttered,

"It's - it's not a boy!"

Ah, that'll be a girl, then.

I used Hypnobirthing and g&a for a home water birth. I was possibly the most relaxed I have ever been. I remember explaining to everyone in a tone of wonder and detached curiosity that I could "feel him wriggling in my vagina"... The midwife gently suggested putting the g&a away

Me: 'Why is there a cow in here? 'There isn't a cow? But what about the mooing?'
Midwife: 'It's you, now stop it or you'll give yourself a sore throat.'

On DD1 arrived at the hospital "I'll have an epidural please" Hospital porter "Whatever you want love, but i only work the lifts" Apparently I told EVERYONE I came in contact with that i wanted one, and the the bloody thing didn't work :( :(
On DD3 to DH " Why did we do this? Why did you agree to another one, this is madness, I'm never having any moreeeeeeeeeee" repeated over and over again until all 9lbs 13ozs of her arrived.........30mins later again to DH " Awwwwww can we have just one more??????"
We did :) :)

(defiantly can't remember with my dd) but with my ds I started packing my bag to go home, I just said I'm not doing this I want to go home and started packing up the things I'd got out
I was in a desperate room with en suite as he was born at 21 weeks and after I'd had the morphine my body relaxed a little and I thought I needed a poo so I sat on the toilet, realised this was definitely not a poo and screamed 'it's not a poo, it's not a poo' and waddled back to the bed as fast as I could, he was born about 10 seconds later with all the midwives running in saying don't push! Too late love!!

Me: "There's too much custard"
DH: "......what?"

No idea.

Delivery the afterbirth..

MW - do you want the injection or do you want to deliver yourself?

Me - I'm fucked if I'm pushing anything else out of me today love, I'll have the injection please.

I was high as a kite on G&A and was soaking in the bath, and became convinced I was a green frog. I sang a song about it. At the top of my lungs. Didn't want anyone near MY leap pad.

Then at push stage, I started yelling at other mums who were crying out in their own labour pains that they were faking and attention seeking. They needed to man up.

Why?

When I had my dd2 she wasn't alive, I was induced and it was very intense. As a result they gave me morphine on a drip. Now until this point I'd never needed any hardcore pain relief, never had surgery or broken anything. I'm really sensitive to drugs too.

I shouted very loudly at dh while he was discussing things with the Chaplin 'make sure he knows we want her cremated and none of that fucking god bollocks' 😳 I also lost all time, I remember hearing puff daddy on the radio (to drown out the noise of other women in labour) and telling dh I was sure that song wasn't thing long in the 90s. After that I made him tell me every time a min had passed. At the time I found not knowing how long it had been and loosing time more distressing than that fact that I was going through an horrifically traumatic time.

"Will someone push them back in please I can't cope"
"We can't push the baby in silly"

"PUSH MY PILES BACK UP MY ARSE BEFORE THEY POP"

I remember it vividly.

At one point, the student MW trousers fell down, I said 'I'm glad I'm not the only one in the room with my trousers down'

They also asked if I was allergic to anything so I thought I was being funny when I said 'strawberries'.

This was 30+ hours in on G&A and pethidine.

kitty. How bloody horrific for you.

I have many entertaining stories. But no desire to see them in the Fail.

I loved gas and air. It made me talk about bums a lot though.

In my first labour I had a third degree tear and a steady stream of people were coming in to examine it so I declared as it was such a big attraction I'd now be selling tickets at £50 each for a look. Also asked DH if he'd still love me if I had 'two bumholes'.

Second labour, as I was pushing I shouted out "I'M AN ANIMAL! I'M AN ANIMAL DOING A POO!" I had a second degree tear and kept calling the lovely lady who sewed me up Dr Bum Rummager and laughing about having a 'hole in one'.

When I hit transition my OH referred to me as Emily Rose (the exorcist), but I didn't understand the reference in my frenzied state... So all I heard was him calling me another girls name - so in the midst of extreme agony a sudden wave of paranoia came over me and I was like "who the fuck is Emily eh?? Who is she??" poor OH!!

When my sisters waters broke she hallucinated that it was an extreme gush that covered the room, and she stood up and was demanding a mop.
She also passed out for a split second after a huge inhale of gas and air, and awoke to her OH facing her and said... "Am I having an operation?"
And then she requested a cup of tea whilst pushing - and they made her one! Lol!

I don't think I said anything remotely amusing although I did get back into bed around transition and tried to refuse to go to hospital.

Despite having double peaking contractions to hard I was choking and gagging I did somehow apparently managed to instruct my doula as she was trying to get me downstairs into the car that I wanted to change the slippers I had on for a different pair. I was adamant. She was very amused by it later.

Didn't care about turning up in a bathrobe with my waters all down the back of it but wanted my best slippers

I remember with one of mine saying " I dont want to do this anymore", whilst on gas and air

I don't think there was any funny comeback to that...something like "not much choice now".

I made OH turn off all the switches (which were on but nothing plugged in).
Made my mum call my sister to tell her about a candy floss thing for her wedding.
Made my OH play frozen by madonna.

One of the anaesthetist was pregnant and I remember asking her how was she crazy enough to get pregnant when she saw so many painful labours (my epidural failed twice and they were scratching at my spine for over an hour before they gave me a spinal block and emergency c-section)

I didn't say much. Just moooed, apparently

I also remember everything disappearing over the edge of the waterfall at the end of my bed!