to ask what funny things you said in labour?

[ollieplimsoles]

Me and dh were just reminiscing about dd's birth just over a year ago. I had been hypnobirthing and was trying to remain cool and calm through the whole thing...

...then I hit transition. I remember the worst contraction of the whole ordeal forcing me to the floor howling and throwing up, dh looked on in horror and when it was over I bawled 'I swear its not as bad as it looks!!'

I also told him that I was thirsty "but its ok I've found a lake, oh wait its a mirage" I was hallucinating on g&a.

Anyone else?

Oh and straight after DD was born, even with the epidural failing and experiencing my worst labour yet, I announced to the midwife that it 'wasn't so bad, I actually want to do that again' I must have been as fucking high as a kite.

sleepybean
I was naked in the birth pool, so when the anesthesist was on his way DP and the MW had to take me down to the CLU from the MLU. Which involves down a few corridors and down in the large public lifts. So DP kept throwing a sheet over me and I kept throwing it off and shouting I didn't want a fucking sheet over me! I remember the sheet but have zero memory of the surroundings en route between between the two rooms... just as well really. There's always half a dozen other people in those lifts.

One I always find funny though not for the poor woman involved - MW is escorting labouring woman in the lift up to the MLU. Asks "where did your waters break?" Woman wails "in the lift on the way up here - look..." And indeed there was a puddle on the foor in the back of the lift which we'd all been politely ignoring!

Not as good as a lot of these, but with DD2, in transition, I announced to the midwife "I'm not zen. I should be zen, and I'm not zen. Get me an epidural."

DD was born 10 minutes later...

Did anyone lose time on gas and air? When my daughter was born and the midwife said she was born at 12 minutes past I turned to my husband and asked "past what?" It could have been midnight, 1am, 2am, 3am. I had no clue.

Warning to anyone who wants to post on the thread; those cunts at the DM are 'featuring' it.

I told the midwife to "close the door and get that dog out of here" ......there was no dog. A long labour and lots of pain relief, I was hallucinating too it didn't stop me having another one tho!

As the Dr. was preparing to sew me up I sat up and looked him in the eyes, and with a ferocity that surprised myself said " you, down there, be careful"!
And with an earnest expression on his young face he said " oh, I will "
When the excitement had died down the midwife asked if I'd known that "you were his first one"?
I nearly died.....

Oh and the DM are complete shits/ cunts/ bastards.

Catching up this thread it's so hilarious.

I'm a glove puppet

I mentioned up thread that I was pushing for absolutely ages. It was an hour and a half actually, after a 14 hour labour. I know this because there was a clock at the end of the bed. Wtf like

Anyway after lots of pushing one mw who was lovely and encouraging kept repeating 'come on you can do it' over and over. I'm so ashamed because I snapped 'will you shut up, clearly I can't do it or it would be here by now' She went all purse lipped and quiet

Right at the end I was praying for a c section and deliberately stopped trying to push. The consultant told me to push and I just lay there like nope. I lied and said I was. There were loads of people in the room and they all just stood back smirking.

However, when I got into theatre I felt a huge urge to push but didn't tell them because I wanted my c section. I got it!

I had dts and when they announced it was two boys I burst into tears and said I wanted a girl

In rl I'm the opposite of my labouring self

Two and a half tanks of gas and air & two shots of pethadine (sorry not sure on spelling) later and every thought that came to mind I was speaking out loud.. including after nearly 40 hours of contractions every 3.5 mins me discussing, with myself, the probability that I would be dead soon.. and the realisation that you can't feel pain whilst dead and conclusion that that sounded fab.. 😂 all of this witnessed by midwife shortly followed by more rocking from me and a "shhh she's gonna send you to a looney bin.." about to have baby no2.. I've bought a tens machine instead for everyone's benefit

I have 3 DC but only ever felt off my face with DC2, i don't know if it was the induction or I just had double the pain relief, i know they took the gas and air off me. I just remember feeling high as a kite, loud and giggly. I just shouted dead loud omg it's Duckaboos (off count duckular), it is isn't it ha ha ha DUCKABOO'S, at the midwife for a while. She had a white apron on so it must have been that what set me off. She then broke my waters and she got soaked, had to go away and get changed out the apron and i thought it was hilarious. The other 2 labours were awful back to backs, only gas and air with DC1 and with DC3 i was in agony and panicking. I always laugh when i remember DC2's labour.

The whole fucking head has appeared...

I woke up and baby was born 3 minutes later in the bathroom with just me there , hubby had ran to get help

I was screaming at 999 operator who I had on loud speaker..

I said the head is there

She said - push it back in..?? Seriously WTF

I screamed the whole fucking head is there

Then I pushed again and pulled baby out

It was horrific but over and done with in 3 minutes

"This is NOT an orgasm!!!" when I was having my first