to ask what funny things you said in labour?

[ollieplimsoles]

Me and dh were just reminiscing about dd's birth just over a year ago. I had been hypnobirthing and was trying to remain cool and calm through the whole thing...

...then I hit transition. I remember the worst contraction of the whole ordeal forcing me to the floor howling and throwing up, dh looked on in horror and when it was over I bawled 'I swear its not as bad as it looks!!'

I also told him that I was thirsty "but its ok I've found a lake, oh wait its a mirage" I was hallucinating on g&a.

Anyone else?

It's when my mum found out I used to smoke cannabis, I said to the midwife you should fill balloons up with the gas and air and sell them at raves as it was better than cannabis.

Makes matter worst is that regulars used to cover the delivery unit so had to face them again.

When I got transferred from the prenatal ward to labour ward I told the midwife I hope you like formula one because she needed to drive the wheelchair like an F1 car so I could get back on that g&a, I don't think I did car noises....but I possibly might have?!

On the labour ward I kept telling the midwife she smelt lovely

I also kept telling them "yeah just do what you want" or " just get this baby out of me" they kept telling me off because they couldn't do anything because I wasn't giving informed consent

In transition with my first

'I can't do it my bum is going to fall out. MY BUM IS FALLING OUT!!'

Midwife whooshed some frankincense under my nose and I suddenly conquered my fear and pushed. My bum did not in fact fall out. Just my baby.

In the birthing centre, lovely little room just me DP and and MW.

I was swearing a bit.

MW in a stage whisper "oh deary me you don't want your baby being born to such language'

Me "fuck off you cunt"

With DC1 I had diamorphine and G&A and was convinced I'd shit myself and people were walking it round the room (had a few onlookers as it was a rough old labour)

Still not sure if I did shit myself probably did but I am pretty sure it wasn't trodden around the room if I did??

I hallucinated daddy long legs running up the walls.
Told the midwife and my mum that the G and A was better than the shit I had in Amsterdam. DP was mortified.
Shouted at my mum for not telling me that it hurt this much. When she said she did, I shrieked 'NOT THIS MUCH' in her face whilst holding her collar

I had a contraction whilst the MW was checking how dilated I was. If trapped her hand up there and she had to wait it out. I was on the bed shouting 'I'm a glove puppet' and laughed that hard that I broke the G and A.

DD was born and they placed her on my chest. 'She's here!' Says the midwife. 'Did I poo?' I ask. ' No.....' She replies. I shouted 'ha' in my DP's face and told him he owed me £5. I hadn't even spoken to my new baby at that point

To be fair I had sepsis and was really ill, so I wasn't really with it!

"Do you mind fetching my coat as I think I'll go home now and come back tomorrow and finish this off" I said this high as a kite on g&a.

Didn't say it but thought:

"I'm not doing this for myself. I'm doing it for my sister.

They Don't Know I'm Doing It For My Sister!"

I don't have a sister.

On pethadin, with Dd on the way "oh, look at the cherry blossom... it's so BEAUTIFUL...."

With ds (no pethadin) "mother fucker, mother fucker, mother fucker, mother fucker..."

Ds2- I'm not going anywhere without my knickers and pads.

Also ds2- follow that baby.

Ds2 was born at home early and when the ambulance arrived they wanted to leave quickly. When we arrived I was convinced he would be swapped if we lost sight of him as he didn't have a name band on.

Crunchymum

They had to bring in the 'speed stitcher' surgeon to do my stitches. Too much of a horror show for the midwife apparently.

When he was nearly finished he told me he would give me a long lasting painkiller but it was a suppository.

I'd just done 44 hours of labour and didn't give a shit what he wanted to stuff up my balloon knot.

He popped it in very gently and I just looked him in he eye, winked and said "ooh, you've done that before" in my best Kenneth Williams voice.

Not my finest moment.

Looked down at my dd and said it looks like dd1 look at it's miserable little face (her little mouth was downturned) my mum said oh it is miserable! Haha we still laugh at the midwifes shocked face

Mw (shocked registrar discovered I was 10cm as trainee mw told her 2 and she'd believed her, ignoring me): "dragons, do you want to push?"
Mw had with held all pain relief as it was"too early" so my reply was "yes, you out of the window!" (We were on top floor of the hospital).
They moved me to a labour room and gave me a new mw!

I don't want another, next time I'm just buying another horse

High on g&a and couldn't stop laughing then told my male midwife (gay) how pretty he was and I wished he wasn't gay so I could date him
DP wasnt amused so I told him he was pretty too!

I really think someone should warn first time pregnant women that needing to push a baby out feels exactly like needing to poo!

On g&a, announced to the room: "I can't feel my face. My face can fuck off," then Darth Vader laughing through the tube.

I think someone should also warn them that sometimes your body will push by itself! I had no idea what was going on!

• definitely!! Both of mine made fairly rapid appearances and I do remember trying to convince the midwife she couldn't possibly be crowning because I hadn't pushed

I went really really quiet (complete change of character ) then dh kept asking if I was ok. Eventually I got really pissed off and growled at him 'you're usually bitching I talk too much, I finally shut up now you're still bitching? Stfu and leave me alone!'

20 hours in - no progress past 3cm for ages. 'Well clearly it's not working. I'm going for a kip we can try again tomorrow I'm knackered!'

Was getting dressed and heading off the lot - not even got drugs as an excuse as hadn't had any!

28 hours in - emcs decided, get an epidural. Propose to anaesthetist! 'I love you honest - I'll divorce him he's useless' (he was)

My sister has 3 all were VERY quick arrivals. But with her first everyone just put her reactions down to inexperience.

'I'm telling you this baby's coming out NOW'

Midwife trying to get her to walk from car to hospital

'Lots of first timers think that come on you'll be fine'

Sister refuses to move unless put on a gurney, they finally agree, head out by first set of doors whole baby out by second! 90 minutes start to finish.

No 3 there was a student midwife present who even though my sister had been in hospital for a week BECAUSE she births so quickly and her babies need a wee bit help afterwards, was still shocked to help deal with a 35 minute labour and birth.

But the funniest was my brothers Mrs, he made the mistake of making a stupid sarcastic comment while his nether regions were in grasping distance... Don't think he'll make that mistake again

I have vague memories whilst being stitched up and toking heavily on the gas and air, having a conversation with the midwife about how tight to stitch up my ravaged fanny and how that will effect my future sex life.
I've never mentioned it again as my mum was holding my hand and Dh was busy bonding with the baby.

Love this thread! Nothing like these ever happen on one born every minute

Crunchy, that made me roar with laughter

These are all so funny. Even after a horrendous labour im able to laugh at some stages!

I told my sister (got my mum to call her) that my mum must have really loved her to go through this twice.

I asked the midwife what my options were for getting the baby out as I didn't want dc to come naturally and didn't want a c-section