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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask what funny things you said in labour?

238 replies

ollieplimsoles · 21/11/2016 00:09

Me and dh were just reminiscing about dd's birth just over a year ago. I had been hypnobirthing and was trying to remain cool and calm through the whole thing...

...then I hit transition. I remember the worst contraction of the whole ordeal forcing me to the floor howling and throwing up, dh looked on in horror and when it was over I bawled 'I swear its not as bad as it looks!!'

I also told him that I was thirsty "but its ok I've found a lake, oh wait its a mirage" I was hallucinating on g&a.

Anyone else?

OP posts:

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 21/11/2016 06:29

When we had DS it was very slow initially.
The midwife had a rummage and said I was about 3cm, so DP fucked off to the shop for coffee and newspapers, envisaging a long night ahead. Midwife fucked off to deal with another labour that was actually progressing. About half an hour later he got back and I was laid over the birthing ball as things were more uncomfortable. He settled himself in the chair and starts on the crossword as I grunted and mooed on the ball. I have the most vivid memory of him asking me "main ingredient in houmous, nine letters?" "FUCK OFF WITH YOUR HOUMOUS YA PRICK!" I then staggered off to the toilet for what I thought was a massive shit, DS was born ten minutes later :)

KenDoddsDadsDog · 21/11/2016 06:46

I told the midwife who had won the Strictly final , even though she had expressly said she was recording it for later. In my gas and air state she asked if I'd chosen the name Orla after Ola from strictly (who had won) . I then went on a rant about James Jordan and whoops! No wonder she recommended forceps

OohhItsNotHoxton · 21/11/2016 07:11

With my first. In a wheelchair on the way to the labour suite,"I've changed my mind."

With my third (and most painful)." You're not coming near me again until you have a vasectomy."

Mishmashpotatoes · 21/11/2016 07:57

I was 17 when I went into labour with DD, I was given morphine, epidural and gas and air. I had been in labour for about 50 hours before being given the epidural so was bloody exhausted and in pain.

My cute little 17 year old self told my mum I wanted a dildo for Christmas (november baby) and pointed to DD's dad and said I promise I won't go near him again

FrankAndBeans · 21/11/2016 08:01

My mum told me how brilliant I had done and how I laboured just like her (incredibly bloody quickly) and I bellowed "I'm not having fucking five." (I'm one of 5.)

Mellowautumn · 21/11/2016 08:03

Had a spectacular amount of water gush and declared I could be water feature in the garden

Minivaperviper · 21/11/2016 09:58

Nothing specific but high on everything they would give me during labour I had a team in with some students telling me I had to go for forceps in surgery room with epidural. And I told them all to fuck off then wailed my apologies. Each time they parted with info and paused I would say it all again.

They laughed the first time.

I was a pain during labour just talking utter shite.

Cellardoor23 · 21/11/2016 10:03

Just remembered another one. In the middle of being sick, knackered and in pain, I was upset that they didn't have Heart FM. I was listening to it in the birthing centre and I couldn't fathom why they didn't have it in the labour ward. I wouldn't let it go for ages.

Cellardoor23 · 21/11/2016 10:14

Mishmash Gosh, I was given morphine as well. It didn't do much for the pain, I just remember being incredibly itchy everywhere and I was annoyed I was so itchy. It was horrible.

Beth2511 · 21/11/2016 10:17

my first and second stage combined were 23 minutes... for the majority of those 23 minutes I was adamant I was changing my birth about giving birth absolutely adamant.

I also had my waters go in the midwifes face!

solittletime · 21/11/2016 10:18

'just, checking, Can I overdose on this?'
On Gas an Air while being stitched up....

NarcsBegone · 21/11/2016 10:21

"You're nowhere near ready, ha ha ha. Omg are you pushing" from the midwife

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2016 10:28

Oh god, I had the consultant and the midwife in my room, and three student doctors, seriously, three, the doctor asked if I minded if the students watched as he gave me an internal, as I was having some serious complications,I said,no problem.

As he started I looked up looked at them and screeched " bunch of fucking perverts, is this how you get your jollies, looking at pregnant women's bits"

Cue three very embarrassed students shuffling out and a horrified looking consultant.

And no excuse, a couple of days after, I had an infection and in my defence was really unwell , the doctor asked if I had a smelly discharge, to which I snapped loudly, " well it's not fucking chanel down there" .

Proudmummytodc2 · 21/11/2016 10:46

Narcs similar here I said "I'm pushing"

Midwife said "no your not an hour ago you were only 4cm, calm down I'm away for my break you will be in hands of student midwife"

35 seconds later my little girls head came out my sister caught her while the student midwife stood staring in shock and my husband telling what to do getting her to jag me as I need 5x of the blessing jag and she is like what my husband had to then push the emergency button and they then said

"Did you just push her out from 4cm so I couldn't eat my sandwich" yeah that's what I done pushed my baby out so I couldn't eat

MistyMeena · 21/11/2016 10:59

Oh loads of things I screeched at DH to phone the hypnobirthing teacher and ask for a refund.
I also asked the midwives if they ever snuck in the delivery room and had a go on the G&A when no-one was looking.
Also when involuntary pushing commenced I was yelling, 'it's not me! Who is doing that? I'm not in control!'

BitchQueen90 · 21/11/2016 11:05

I don't remember much but apparently I was singing along to the radio.

I only had G&A and after hours of nothing happening I was moaning "I can't do this any more!" Ended up in theatre as DS just did not want to come out and he was getting very distressed.

clumsyduck · 21/11/2016 11:10

I didn't really say anything but I just remember breaking down in hysterics the midwifes just staring at me wondering what was wrong I think I couldn't believe it was happening finally ! Sat there with water gushing out of me just overwhelmed I couldn't stop laughing 😂

Marcipex · 21/11/2016 11:29

I told the midwives they could carry on if they liked, but I was going home they just laughed.

Mummyshortlegz · 21/11/2016 11:31

I simply told them I wasn't doing it and I was going home. 7cm + dilated and no pain relief at all. I really was off. I was not having the baby. I'd do it another day.

Mummyshortlegz · 21/11/2016 11:32

As in i was seriously trying to leave in my gown while they persuaded me that was a bad idea. Labour tailed off and I ended up being augmented and with an epidural.

Wheresthemissingsqueakyegg · 21/11/2016 11:43

Whilst they shoved me in a
Corridor for me to wait until a bed was ready I was shouting "I need to poo"
When the midwife told
Me there was no time
For any pain relief I cried and then, when I had to have a stitch 12
Minutes later and enjoying the gas and air, announced I was fucked and could have pushed 13 babies out if they had just given me
That from the start!

Tumtitum · 21/11/2016 11:47

"Maybe we shouldn't have had those pancakes then I could have had a fucking epidural" ( DD was born on pancake day and we made pancakes during my labour before we went to hospital - my waters had already started to break and I didn't realise how quickly things would progress - I ended up transitioning in the car and arrived at hospital ready to push!)

whitless · 21/11/2016 11:50

I just remember trying to whisper in my mums ear to say I needed the loo but apparently I shouted to the whole room I needed a poo.

Leirope · 21/11/2016 11:50

As DS was starting to crown my most pressing question was, "does he have any hair?!"

I also kept what I thought was surreptitiously wailing "I need to poo" (which turned out to be DS' giant head getting ready to crown).

NickyEds · 21/11/2016 11:52

'I want to go home. I'm fucking going home. Dp get the car, we're going home'

We don't have a car. Dp doesn't have a driving licence.

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