To ask what the best comeback you've ever given to someone who totally deserved it was?

[BoopTheSnoot]

I was having a disagreement -argument- with DH about how he does absolutely NO housework whatsoever, doesn't even bother to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He was being a smart arse about it, but it wasn't until hours later when I was lying in bed seething about it that all the bings that I wished I'd said came into my mind.

So, what's the best/wittiest/most cutting comeback you've ever given someone?

Some old arse was mansplaining to me that men should financially support women as it was mans duty, because men have bigger brains.

But It doesnt make a difference when you only think with your dick.

And it was in my second language. I was so proud of myself.

My sister is the queen of comebacks. Someone called her cheap. If im cheap youre negative equity mate.

In the middle of an argument childcare and DP's almost complete lack of ability to take our DD for more than 2 minutes so I can have a break

"Could you just not have been a Jaffa life you were supposed to be!"

Just realised I've got one to add.

Working for a vile boss to pay my way through uni. Paid weekly on a Friday but expected to work Saturday too and paid in advance.

One Friday boss had been extra vile so I stood up to her bullying. She said "With an attitude like yours you can make tomorrow your last day" I replied "And with an attitude like yours today is my last day" and walked out on the spot.

I call that extra days pay small compensation for putting up with her bollocks.

Not me but overheard in the bar I work in
Older guy sleazing over a young woman.
So, can I get your number?
I'm looking for a boyfriend not a pal for my da

Him - I'm a real catch I am - I was in the SAS

Me- That's no goood

Him - Why?

Me - You've been trained to go in and out without anyone noticing....

Love these but am astonished by how maany men want to get their penis out to make a woman feel uncomfortable!! How depressing.

Foslady that's brilliant!
Did he ever see the funny side?

Was out in a bar with my friends, friend 1 boyfriend walks in and I moan loadly ( we didn't like each other) friend 2 asks what's wrong, friend 1 explains me and her bf have a love hate relartionship, my reply was 'yeah he loves me and i fucking hate him'...whole pub erupts in laughter.

Not sure if he did but his mates certainly did!!!!

My ex fiance left when I told him I had cancer (thank God I got cancer, I might of ended up marrying the twat!)

Anyway, I saw him outside a meeting and noticed he'd started smoking again..
''You know you should be careful with that, smoking can give you cancer and if that ever happened to you I really hope someone is there for you and helps you through it, because only a coward would run away at That news!''
He stood there gobsmacked and I walked away with my head held high!

Reversing out of tesco car park and looked all around and then a car came round the corner quickly and nudged me. No damaged st all. It was a taxi.
I had all 3 kids on the car. Got out inspected both cars and ha Dex over addresses incase they wanted to be an arsehole. Some old guy jumps out of his car and starts shouting about I didn't look before I moved... He said I know a lot because I'm a profession driver what the fuck is that? I said no mate I did look and your a professional arsehole.
When I told my DH he was and proud!

Years ago was at a football match and female police officer on a police horse. Young male fan shouted to her 'darling your horse looks fucked'. She calmly replied 'if you'd been between my legs for 2 hours you'd looked fucked too'.

Just remembered another. Several years ago I found out that the guy I had been seeing for a year was living with another woman. He called me pleading for forgivness and said ' what can I do to make it better'? me 'stop breathing'.

On a night out in Glasgow a few years ago a group of us were walking to catch the train. One guy out of a passing group shouted to my friend "here hen, do you want to come and sit on my face?" Friend replies "if I sat on your face you'd give my fanny a fright pal." Cue stunned silence from around 7 men. Aforementioned friend is a Prison Governor in a men's prison, she's heard much worse. Me? I was mortified.

We were at a friend's wedding a few years ago, having a (rare) afternoon/evening without our then-toddler. Talking to a friend of DH's, who he quite likes but I think is a misogynistic tool, and his wife.

We were chatting about the DC, ours was 18 months at that point and this guy's wife was around 7 months pregnant. The conversation went on to sleep and I said that I was still tied to doing bedtime because I was still breastfeeding. DH's 'mate' looked faintly horrified and said "still? I wouldn't be having that!" To which I looked at him and responded "lucky they're not your tits then".

My best instant come back was when I was being interviewed for my first permanent job at 20 as an admin person at a university. The eminent crusty professor said in a very forbidding way "you are very young" and I immediately responded "yes but I will get older". Boom!

Depressing how much of this thread relates to men behaving in a revolting way. Everyday Sexism indeed.....

On being asked to dance by a younger man, a very bitchy ex colleague snapped " I don't dance with babies"

Straight away he came back with: "Oh sorry, I didn't realize you were pregnant"

My friend is very well proportioned in the breast department.

Random guy in the street says 'bloody hell love have you always had such big tits?'

Friend - 'no; you're the first!'

Younger, utterly immature, colleague was twitting me for being older, single, divorced and not looking for a man. "What do you do for sex?" she sniggered. Usually I am crap at retorts, but from nowhere I replied "Never heard of a Rampant Rabbit then?" Our other colleagues fell about laughing while she just stood there with her mouth open. She later admitted to another colleague that she didn't think I'd have even heard of a vibrator never mind the rabbit! She never really forgave me for besting her that day. Oh dear, too bad, never mind.

Many many years ago I worked with a girl who in her previous job had worked as an air hostess with the then BOAC.
She worked in the 1st class cabin on the transatlantic route and one of her colleagues was beautiful, stylish and impeccably groomed. And nice.
A female British (posh ) passenger for some reason had it in for this lovely creature; had her running around doing menial unnecessary things, snapped her fingers constantly and never once said please or thank you. Treated her like muck. They were descending into Heathrow when the fingers clicked again. 'Stewardess, I've been out of the UK for some time now. What is the situation regarding domestic help?' Our heroine: 'oh quite flexible I believe, Madam - you should have no difficulty getting employment,' What a star.

It's bothered me for years that I was slightly too late to get in this comeback at work so maybe if I share it now that'll be some compensation. Think I was on the phone and this absolute lazy cow of a manager - highly unpleasant and rude on a daily basis - basically delegated most/all of her work to me probably because she didnt know how to do it One day when she was no doubt at a loose end as I was doing all her fucking work breezily announces - "Well I'm away to smoke my brains out." I was about ten seconds too late to reply - "that won't take long."

In my teens I worked as a waitress in a restaurant next to a business centre. A group of young businessmen came in for lunch and one of them tossed a 5p coin onto the table and told me it was my tip whilst arrogantly laughing his head off. I calmly picked up the 5p and put it down in front of him and said,
" you obviously need that more than me". He was speechless whilst all his colleagues were laughing at him!

Oh and another I did manage to get out in time. Grumpy obnoxious drunk old man on the bus says on his way off in regards to young baby who had been unsettled during the 5 minute journey - "Does she ever stop crying?" And then because that wasn't dickish enough he adds "typical female...can't keep quiet." To which I replied sweetly - "actually HE is a boy. So typical male."