To ask what the best comeback you've ever given to someone who totally deserved it was?

[BoopTheSnoot]

I was having a disagreement -argument- with DH about how he does absolutely NO housework whatsoever, doesn't even bother to put his clothes in the laundry basket. He was being a smart arse about it, but it wasn't until hours later when I was lying in bed seething about it that all the bings that I wished I'd said came into my mind.

So, what's the best/wittiest/most cutting comeback you've ever given someone?

When doing a supermarket shop with my dd who was about 18 months, this bloke I used to work with was shopping with his new gf and obviously showing off to her ( he was always a knob). Dd had long hair in bunches tied in ribbons and a very pretty and pink dress, he said nice boy what is his name. I said Fred .... He went blood red and couldn't say anthing, said gf was crying laughing and I walked off head held high.

When I was about 7 months pregnant I fell down some stairs and slipped a disc in my back, my MIL decided to tell me the steps hadn't caused problems with my back but my weight had and I should seriously think about doing something because I'm too fat.

I told her she had been fat for longer than I had been born so I didn't want her advice. She never said anything horrible to me again after that, I had put up with years of snide remarks until then.

Vain, ego maniac work colleague walks into the room on hearing the radio ( Madonna ' like a virgin' playing..."Ah, no virgins in here then" . Me "there is now you're here"

Exit, to never return .

It took years and a lot of medical help for DH and I to conceive. We had told some close friends what was happening and everyone else was too polite and considerate to really pry. However, one guy in our larger friendship group would always ask why we'd been married 5 years and still weren't pregnant, why we weren't getting on with it, etc etc. Most of the time I would shuffle around, change the subject etc., but he caught me on a very bad day once so I replied 'Well, it's quite difficult to get pregnant when I'm such a fan of anal." He didn't ask again. And he probably still thinks I love it up the bum.

When a trainee in my first job, an older workmate was bragging 'when they made me, they broke the mould'.

Yes, I replied, 'Reject!'

A guy once called me fat, I replied, "I can diet, you're fucking ugly, what are going to do about it!"

Aged regular in our local would wait for a stranger to come in and announce "It looks like rain" as a way to break the ice.
At this point the old boy would raise his pint to the light, look at it and murmur "yes, but with a faint taste of hops"

Not really off the cuff as I heard him do it dozens of times!

Complained to the top boss about my immediate boss. Top boss said immediate boss was an asset to the company. I said, "Well you have one of the syllables right".

My best ever retort was in an argument with an ex. He was being nasty and told me I was a 're-tread' with a kid in tow so no-one would ever want me, whereas he was Dr with six letters after his name. I shouted Yes - W.A.N.K.E.R.!

We both started laughing 😂

I was thinking the same.

About ten years ago a very snooty friend who thought herself better than everyone else decided to go to college to get her Higher English.

She said to me that I should try for mine too,

Me "No need, I passed mine and got an A years ago at school"

Which was true, and snooty friend was most put out.

My DH was mansplaining again about the way I did the laundry. I dropped the full laundry basket at his feet and said "as you clearly know more about it, you'd better take over the job" He's been doing all the laundry for six years now...

Love these.

I remember some tea try bloke I worked with, thought he was gods gift to women. He made some comment to be one day along the lines of how bout it, I replied with 'when that' pointing to his crotch 'is as big as that' pointing to his mouth 'let me know'

I was only about 17 and usually so quiet and shy, don't know where that came from.

Have to add not mine - but Churchill....... at some gathering and he was being his usual exuberant self...... one of the ladies told him to be quiet because he was " drunk" - he responded- "yes and you're ugly but I'll be sober in the morning"......

Many years ago, when my BIL got engaged to an uber-bitch, she bragged about how much the ring had cost, and how superior it was to my own, in every way and said to me, "I could never have anything like yours, it's far to cheap and run of the mill". I turned to her and said "by the way, do you know your fiance shagged his secretary the other night, and the ring belonged to his ex before you, I hope you'll be very happy!"

A bloke from down the road came hammering on my front door with his son in toe. He was raging at me for shouting at his son for drawing with chalk on the pavement outside my house. At first I was too stunned to respond and then I just didn't bother, I just let him rant on calling me all the names under the sun.

When he finally ran out of steam I said 'I think you wanted next door'. One look at his son's face and he realised he'd made a complete twat of himself. He didn't even bother with an action replay with the actual culprit, just wandered away muttering to himself.

I hadn't realised this was a good comeback as I was so mortified ...

I was 19 years old in my first job (very dry skin from air conditioning).I was talking to a colleague when another came up, looked at me and said, in a disgusted tone 'What's that hanging from your eyebrows?'. I was so mortified I blurted out 'My face'.

Colleague looked shamefaced as my other colleague was in fits, clapping me.

Just a small one for me, I always think of something to say long after...

Moany ExH was having a shower while I cooked dinner. Bathroom is directly above kitchen, shower runs from mains via boiler and gets hotter if anyone turns the kitchen tap on at the same time. Was careful not to use the tap but the washing machine filling had the same effect so he banged on the ceiling/floor.

Sure enough he comes downstairs ranting 'you just wanted to burn me!'
Wouldn't believe me about the washing machine.

My annoyed response was 'if I really wanted to burn you I'd have boiled the fucking kettle, thrown it over you and done the job properly!'

For once he laughed.

As a kid I had somewhat protruding teeth and wore a brace. Out with my Mum once we walked past a small group of lads, one of whom shouted 'goofy' as we passed.
My mother spun around and faced him down, "She may be goofy boy, but one day she'll have straight teeth, whereas you'll always have a face that belongs in a butchers window with an apple in it's gob".

Boy muttered sorry and skulked off with his laughing mates. I've never forgotten it.

My job is door woman in a group of busy pubs. We've picked up loads of word play over the years, one of the best though was when I refused entry to a man with a dog. We're dog friendly during the week but not on weekends as it's too busy and dogs would be at risk from too many people and loud music. I explained this to the man who then replied, "do you know who I am?" I replied, "no sir, I'm afraid I don't, why? Have you forgotten who you are?" He was a bank manager, obviously rules didn't apply to him or his dog.

My step fathers brother, an arrogant arsehole, was at my mums for a 'family' get together. He said 'cor you've got fat'!! Without missing a beat I replied 'I can lose weight but you'll always be a cunt'!! He was red faced and has never spoken to me since thank goodness! 😂

A pet hate of mine is when men tell you to smile so I was raging when I passed a couple of drunk old men smoking outside a pub in Glasgow and one of them told me to "cheer up". I turned and said "cheer up? After looking at your face? That's enough to depress anyone." They were too shocked to reply.

My favourite comeback is borrowed, whenever anyone asks me if they can ask a stupid question, I always reply "better than anyone I know."

On a night out. I got asked the cringiest chat up line by the creepiest bloke ever - "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" My reply?
Looked him dead in the eye.... "feeeertilized" in my huskiest voice.
He moved away pretty sharpish!

Many years ago, my toddler nephew was sitting in the shopping trolley at the supermarket checkout and getting no response from the cashier. After several attempts at speaking to the stony old cow, he bluntly asked her, 'Are you there ?'