Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

[ricecrispies16]

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.

Thoughts?......

and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

rice I feel for you, I really do. I've been in your situation and felt the same as you do now. It took me a long time to realise that there was nothing I could do, which infuriated me. Please rant away as much as you need to us. Your dd needs you calm, and as hard as it it, with a painted on smile.

If it's any consolation there are times I still need a damn good rant after nearly 15 years!

Rice, a couple of things:
Don't fall out with the GF over this- if X is going to be like this, then you need her onside with you, not him. If the relationship lasts, because that should be what you want for your DD, then you need to stay on good terms.
Tell his DM your concerns about the lack of stability, expecting to know where she is etc. She will I'm sure understand and keep an eye on things with you.

Honestly, no matter if you are right or wrong, I don't think showing how angry you are about this will help. When DD is with him, he gets to make the parenting decisions, even if they are rubbish. As long as she has stability with you, she will be ok. It's when children have no stability anywhere that the damage happens.

In the 5 nights a week that she is with you, do you ever stay with her at someone else's house? Or does she ever stay overnight with your DM?

If so, do you tell him in advance?

It's too early to introduce a new partner so yanbu there.

I don't understand all the posters saying you need to know where your child is sleeping if they are not with you though. Surely as the other parent it's up to her dad? I can't believe resident mothers inform their ex every time dcs want to have a sleepover or go away for a night so why should non resident parents have to during contact time?

OP I agree with everything you've said. YANBU. Furthermore, I'm surprised anyone could disagree with you tbh...

I don't agree that rice doesn't have a say in this (or any other parents in this situation).

If you feel that the other parent may be putting your child's emotional wellbeing on the line, then you have a duty to say something about it. It isn't being petty, it's simply looking out for your child's best interests.

As for the comments about this relationship 'lasting' I'd barely call it a relationship after such a short amount of time!

I completely agree with pp who said that the child shouldn't just have to suck it up just because the adults are happy. The DD in this situation needs to come first. Having sleepovers at dads girlfriends house (or mum's boyfriend's house) should come much much MUCH later than two months into the 'relationship'.

Honestly I think this new girlfriend sounds strange for wanting to be so involved with your DD when she barely knows your ex.

An ideal timeline IMO would be no introductions at all until about 8 months into the relationship. Then it would be very casual (partner nips round for tea then goes back to their own home/an hour in the park etc). Then if things were going well I'd increase it to days out etc. then sleep overs further down the line once DS was comfortable with the situation. Expecting kids to go from 0-60 in these situations isn't healthy and your ex is being selfish IMO.

If it were me I'd try to talk to him about it first and if that didn't work I'd ask him to do mediation to discuss it properly. I bet you won't find a family law solicitor who thinks this is acceptable. I know mine would wipe the floor with ex if he tried this.

I am always surprised by the strength of the opinion that a father's new partner should only be introduced after many many months and then in the briefest possible way.

I think one of the best things about many children is that they can be open to new relationships to anyone who is friendly and interested in them. Yes, children need to be told about the sort of behaviour which are unacceptable. But it's good to encourage children to be able to socialise - rather than making them inflexible and fearful of every new encounter.

I was introduced to my partner's children very early on in our relationship. I wanted to meet the two young people who were clearly so close to his heart. And he wanted to be sure that I would be interested in getting to know them. If I hadn't wanted to get to know his children and they hadn't wanted to get to know me, then the relationship wouldn't have lasted.

We've been together twenty years now.

I think what happens when her DD is with her father is the OPs business, actually (and same applies the other way round).

Her ex-partner has every right to introduce his girlfriend to her after they have been together for a while and their relationship becomes more serious. However, he should also let OP know this is going to happen rather than OP finding out accidentally or because her DD tells her. It just causes upset and feeling of things being hidden/underhand, which doesn't foster friendly or co-operative relationships.

And the same would apply to OP if she met a new partner, she would have to liaise with her child's father so that everyone is in the loop.

This new GF sounds reasonable on the surface, and while that's definitely great it's not really the point, is it? The point is that when either parent is introducing a new partner, it really would be better to let the child's other parent know and also explain the child may not be staying where she usually is. It's just basic manners, isn't it?

I bet you won't find a family law solicitor who thinks this is acceptable. I know mine would wipe the floor with ex if he tried this.

But what would a court say? He isn't breaking any laws. He is simply parenting in a way the OP doesn't agree with.

Jinglebells I think your comment is unfair. Who are you to judge? I'm certainly not desperate but treat OHs daughter the same as my own when she's in our/my care.....not everyone is the same.....some people need a year to make a call on wether their relationship will last, some don't.

I think family law solicitors who deal with private clients are pretty fed up with parents who keep wanting to go to court about their own trivial disagreements.

In terms of publicly funded children's care cases, the courts are pretty full up with issues relating to drug abuse, neglect, failing to keep children out of danger, parents with learning difficulties, domestic violence and sexual abuse. Nobody is going to be terribly interested in a mother who is rather distressed by the ex's acquisition of a pleasant-sounding new girlfriend.

As far as a court would be concerned the dad is doing nothing wrong.

The OP can stamp her feet all she likes but she cannot make her ex do or tell her anything. That may be unfair but it is the reality. If you accept that the child is not at risk from contact then you have to let dad parent.

I think this is not so much about the child but more about the OP feeling her toes have been tread on. Especially with the gf in the car comment.

I ask her normal questions about what she's been upto and if she's had a nice time. Of course I don't let her see that I don't like it.

I think you are underestimating your daughter's ability to read you. Children are incredibly skilled at picking up on body language and tone of voice. Even just the fact that you feel the need to ask if she had a nice time will be sending her the message that you are not confident about this. If you undermine her relationship with her father and his girlfriend, and she starts resisting going in order to please you, she is going to suffer a lot of sadness and confusion.

*youokhun^ regardless of you treat your new partners kids as your own - they are not.

The op dd goes to see her dad just twice a week - he should be going the parenting not leaving it to his new gf - ego the child barely knows.

If I had a new bloke that tried that I'd seriously considering how much he actually gave a shit about his kid

Wow lots of typos I'm my post - new baby - no sleep

My sister's ex cheated on her during her pregnancy and left her for the OW when the baby was less than 6 weeks old. She had to deal with the involvement of the OW from that point onwards and it was incredibly difficult for her. But it was always very clear that, legally speaking, there was nothing she could do about it. Some people have mentioned 'safeguarding' concerns because the OP doesn't know the OW and because the ex has only been with her a few weeks. Understandable. But not logical. Even if the ex wanted to leave the child with a neighbour or a local babysitter without DBS clearance, he would be absolutely within his rights. Hard to accept? Yes. But fact all the same.

I completely agree with your reservations. I suppose though your hands are tied. He has parental responsibility too so all you can do is voice your concerns to him. Maybe the GF just loves having a little girl again? Maybe her children are boys?

Mind you, apart from everything else, I never did understand this calling someone a stalker for looking at someone else's facebook page

Neither do I, it's a bit like calling someone a stalker for reading a autobiography

olympia

The girlfriend does not have a little girl. She is 8 weeks into a relationship with a man who does. Parent figure she is not

I don't have an issue with her having a baby sitter, just not by someone I've never even met!
But it's no more for you to veto babysitters that he chooses than it is for him to veto babysitters that you choose. And there's no real suggestion that she was even babysitting - it's far more likely that he was there.

You've never met her, but she isn't some random passer-by. She's a mum and they have been dating for at least 2 months. How long do you have to know someone before you would allow them contact with your children (with you still there)?

Childminders may well have had checks, but other mums from nursery don't and I bet you would trust them to be around your child after 8 weeks.

The casual attitude to a child's emotional wellbeing is very sad.
It's not a casual attitude, it's an acceptance of reality. You cannot control your ex-partner. It's great if you are able to communicate and agree things amicably, but many former couples cannot do that and that means that they have to relinquish control to their ex for their contact time unless there is clear reason to show that the child is at risk. Introducing a partner earlier than is ideal, is not enough.

It's not casual acceptance! I HAVE to Trust my ex with this matter,he has done exactly the same but my kids were older, I know how it feels but a child should not be having contact with a dangerous parent - OP's ex sounds like a twat who is what I would call has low level parenting but he's not doing anything to put his DD in danger from any of the description you are talking mostly about how it makes YOU feel (you are an adult) and you can't be at all sure how a 3yo actually feels about this - she can't explain it in words and won't remember it's only been 8 weeks!

So either go to court and stop him or just learn how to communicate with him so that he feels he CAN talk to you about this stuff

No one forced you to have a child with a man who is a bit of a crappy dad just as no one forced me. IMO all you can do is actually try to work with him for the sake of the kids. Hopefully woman with more experience can show him the ropes a bit

Fwiw if any of the other parents of any of my children expressed genuine concern about my childs welbeing during their time with me I would pay due regard to it.

They want to know their child is ok just as much as I do.

Perhaps I would be a little perturbed by "you can't have any men near him/her" if it has no basis other than attempts to control but something like "I'm a bit concerned that x has been thrust into this rather quickly and they appear to be a bit keen to be involved in parenting stuff" with out a doubt I can guarentee that I would take that on board and chances are I would agree.

I am always surprised by the strength of the opinion that a father's new partner should only be introduced after many many months and then in the briefest possible way

The main reason for this is to avoid, as much as possible, children being introduced to a trail of new boyfriends/girlfriends and developing attachment that are then broken.