Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

[ricecrispies16]

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.

Thoughts?......

and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

She's not a random person though....to you perhaps but not to your ex

After8 weeks you are still very much random people to each other. You can't possibly know a person in that time.

I didn't feel like I had to step up, I wanted to. My dss didn't ask for any of the adults to be involved in his life but due to his parents spliting up this is what happened, and yes his mum and dad were both involved, but if I was with his dad then I was going to be there a lot (as was his step dad). His mum and dad were always his mum and dad but I have played a part in his life by dating and then marrying his dad and I love my dss dearly.

I've not been with my OH long, our kids are in each other's lives, we stay at each other's houses, I go in to his daughter if she wakes up and he's asleep, if I've woken up, why would I wake him up to deal with it? I treat her like she's my own. I'm pretty sure her mum doesn't have an issue with the situation HOWEVER, my children's dad hates it and kicks off all the time and I have to say I have resorted to saying things such as "when they are in my care, it's up to me who they're with and where they are" and other such like. So having been on the receiving end of how you feel, I'd say unless there is actual cause for concern (nothing you have said really warrants you to have any worries) then you have to get used to it/get over it

needsahalo I think that's very much a personal opinion. From an outside perspective it may seem a short period of time but for the people involved it's very real. Just an aside..you don't introduce a childminder after months of getting to know them..it's usually only a couple of interviews and they generally spend more time with the child than a step-parent.

Wow! The blasé attitude to the emotional wellbeing of children who are already in a difficult situation emotionally is really shocking!

I wouldn't dream of treating a child I'd known less than 8 weeks (and having only met them 6-8 times!) as 'my own'! How arrogant!

I also wouldn't want to be with anyone who thought this in any way appropriate
Healthy
Responsible

And a childminder is a COMPLETELY different issue, they're background checked for starters!

It's not a completely different issue. My point was there has to be a certain amount of trust for the other parent's decision making. One parent doesn't get to vet who the other parent decides to bring into their children's lives. It's one of the difficult things that happens when parents split.

I wonder what the responses would be if a single mother posted on here about her new boyfriend of 8 weeks being involved with night time care for her two year old and how lovely it is because he's do charmed by the little one that he's set his profile picture as a picture of him and the child. But the childs dad was not especially comfortsble with it but she had decided to just do what ever because it's none of his buisness.

And fwiw I have a court order still currently valid that states one of my kids other parent is to notify me of my address our child stays at overnight and that no girlfriends can be introduced to our child without my prior consent or further order of the court

is it the same the other way round sockamnesty do you have to notify him?

So op , you expect everyone your DD comes into contact with whilst in dads care to be 'introduced ' to you first then?

The main carer usually has a better idea of what the child can cope with.

Childminder -

Background check
Professional
Has jumped through umpteen hoops to become a childminder.
Has had training in first aid, child development, diversity, health & safety, safeguarding...

In this particular setup the main carer DOESN'T wholly trust the 2nd parent.

I don't have an issue with her having a baby sitter, just not by someone I've never even met!

So do you introduce your ex to anyone you may leave your ex with and do they get to have a say if they like it or not?

It's really bizzare on here as you have two clear sides.

1. when your child is not with you - you basically have no say in what happens to them, Freddie Crugar could be babysitting or having them over but you just have to get the fuck over it.

2. it's just common sense for The emotional wellbeing of the child that new chicks/guys are not foisted/crash bonding on them. And both parents are kept up to date with what was going on with arrangements involving child.

Would I want my child baby sat by ex new chick when she has a perfectly good bedroom at her grandmothers? No.

The only reason that child is there is for the benefit of the bloke because it makes his life easier .Two days he has her he should be giving her quality time not putting her in a 'blended' family eight weeks in.

I wouldn't say the main carer usually has a better idea at all. There is an in-between bit between a useless NRP and an all-knowing RP.
If the NRP is that untrustworthy then they should be having supervised visits. Other than that it seems to be different ideas/goals of parenting which is why many people split in the first place. Often it will become worse after the split because the parents feel they have even less control of the child. What it comes down to is there isn't anything she can do about it. I don't understand the meeting of the ex's new partners..what if you don't like them? What exactly can you do about it apart from winding yourself up and causing bad feeling.

Cocks Not in the way you mean as DH and I are still married, but of course there have been times when I've thought they were one place but they were at another when they've been with their father. This was in the days before cellphones so no way to let me know they'd moved locations. But he IS their father and is fully as capable of looking after them as I am.

My point was that OP does not have the right to demand anything from her ex with regards to where he stays with their daughter. And a new gf's house is not (hopefully) an unsafe environment. Your situation was quite different as apparently your ex was not a capable parent and was not able to recognize a dangerous situation. By all accounts OP's ex is at least minimally capable and it's apparent that the gf is able and willing to provide care for the child.

Of course the ex shouldn't have introduced the gf so soon on. But he did. Water under the bridge. For OP to start demanding 'you will do this' and 'you will not do that' and to threaten to stop contact at this point will be counterproductive.

is it the same the other way round sockamnesty do you have to notify him

Nope. But then again I do not have his history of damaging behaviour and irresponsibility especially surounding who I bring into contact with our child. Our court order has been a very effective way of safeguarding our child and changing contact from unsafe to safe.

They have a good relationship that would not have existed if the court order didn't

I wonder what the responses would be if a single mother posted on here about her new boyfriend of 8 weeks being involved with night time care

But surely the difference would be that we could talk directly to the person who is in the wrong.

I haven't read the full thread but if they haven't been together for long then YANBU. Also, your ex should I have introduced this woman gradually (i.e. She pops round for tea for an hour or two when he has your DD) and build it up from there. No way should anybody be involved with any child so quickly.

If he only has your DD for two nights then why can't he go two nights without staying st his GFs?

It sounds very confusing for your DD. YANBU.

But surely the difference would be that we could talk directly to the person who is in the wrong

That would obviously be a difference however would we be calling her ex a stalker for knowing about the photos and implying they had jealously issues or control issues amd would we be saying it's totally acceptable for her to be doing this or would it be more like "is that really sensible behaviour"

NeedsAsockamnesty, You have a point there.

Mind you, apart from everything else, I never did understand this calling someone a stalker for looking at someone else's facebook page.

If there are any issues from this, it is more than likely to be from your attitude OP. You refer to 'my poor daughter' so I doubt there is any chance your child is NOT picking up on your feelings about this. Your projections will control this as I'm sure you know.

Also feels like just another "OMG I need to stop contact please all tell me I'm right" thread. FFS! I see nothing really wrong in any of it but some parent seem to spend all their time looking for reasons to block contact.

OP yabu about him having the new gf in the car at drop off, it may be hypocritical of him if he doesn't like to see your DP in those circs, but still it is no big thing. You should not pander to,him, let your DP be there at drop off if it is more convenient.

YANBU to feel that he has introduced your dd to a new partner too soon, but I am not sure you can do anything about that kind of behaviour from him. YANBU to state that you must know where your Dd is staying, and so does he if you travel or visit friends for the night. There could be an emergency apart from anything else. I would tell him and MIL that they must inform you of this.

Who knows what the gf is like really, but it is possible she thinks it is too soon too but doesn't want to say so. The main problem is your ex, he is responsible for deciding when to introduce your dd, he is the one not getting up in the night to her. People keep saying, oh she is with her dad. It seems that actually you don't trust him to look after her....and the nature of the gf or whoever he is with is important because you have never been happy with him as sole carer. It was very much based on MIL being there. Now someone else is taking on part of her role. She didn't just happen to go in during the night, she probably had to because he just rolled over.

Keep an eye on your Ex, he needs to step up and be attentive to his dd or this will be an ongoing issue. You ought to know that he will be looking out for your dd no matter who else is there.

I am not going to lie: I would HATE giving up the right to control who looks after/babysits my child, gets up to them in the night, has their picture taken with them, etc. And I think I would really struggle with my husband having another partner. But all the kicking and screaming about it wouldn't change the reality: he has every right to have a girlfriend, to decide when to introduce that gf to the child, to stay at her house, to take the child with him, to ask his gf to babysit, to delegate aspects of parenting like getting up in the night, even to someone he has only been with for a few months. And that would hurt.

Couldn't agree more with Graphista

The casual attitude to a child's emotional wellbeing is very sad. Seems like kids have to just suck it up because dad/mum is happy with their new romance and want to move at lightening speed because they're happy.

The baby sitter issue is ridiculous. A professional baby sitter would be CRB checked, a new GF/BF isn't. How on earth do you know what they've done in their past when you've only known them a few weeks! That's why it takes time to get to know and trust someone.

But hey as long as the adults are happy the kids must be too right?

Spare - I'm not here looking for a reason to stop contact, if that's what I wanted then I would have done that a few weeks ago! Stopping contact wouldn't be in her best interest, she loves her dad very much and I'd need a good reason to stop it.

She doesn't pick up on my personal feelings towards it at all, I ask the normal questions that I've always asked, the only change is her answers.