Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

[ricecrispies16]

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.

Thoughts?......

and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

Sorry but none of what the dad has done is inappropriate at all....its just not what you think he should do.

So the gf went to the child one of the nights what exactly is inapropriate about that? She comforted her and made sure she was ok. She is not a stranger to the child. That does not indicate the dad is palming the child off at all.

The OP has said there are pictures of day trips out so the DD clearly spent time with her before staying over.

We have 1 side of this and frankly given that the OP is not in her exes life daily we dont know very much.

As for 2/3 yo not being honest HA they are much more honest about their feelings than an older child who understands what the adult may want to hear or be upset at hearing.

As for him putting the child through this several times a year this appears to be the first relationship he has had or at least introduced the child to in the 2 years since they split. So where is your evidence he is going to put the child through this regular?

I did say in my opinion it was inappropriate that's all anyone's posts are - their opinion.

Not just a case of 2/3 year olds not being honest just maybe wouldn't completely understand what was being asked, and if she's not seeing her dad often she may still feel and respond to pressure to please him/say what she thinks he wants to hear.

And I said potentially several relationships, yes this is his first relationship since the split as far as op or we know, but given he has introduced the child so early on IF this relationship ends and he then starts one with someone else in a short time frame his approach this time around indicates how he'd probably behave in the future.

There are many IF's and with that time machine to go back to 8 weeks ago we would all like a crystal ball to see the future.

It's what you do now it's happened that matters not endlessly debating how it shouldn't have happened

Graphista you are trying so hard to make this man out to be a baddie you have basically re-written the OP and this mans future!

Seriously you know nothing about him or how he has conducted himself or how he will in the future.
You have had several relationships and the 1 man you chose to introduce to your dd did not last. So really you have a worse track record than the OPs ex at this point.

It doesn't really matter what anyone on here thinks, unless they have factual information about legalities. The consensus seems to be that, however much the OP doesn't like this, and however much people might agree that there are better ways to parent, it's not her decision to make.

She has a worse track record than a dad who lives with/outsources his occasional parenting to his mother and then straight onto his brand new girlfriend?

Wow. Some people set the bar sooo low for men, don't they!

Pp are right tho. As long as there are women prepared to facilitate these men-babies, there's nothing much you can do op. Pick your battles.

How people choose to parent is up to them. It may not be how others would, or think they should, but as long as the child is safe it is up to the parent who they introduce them to, have babysit etc.

Dp's ex introduced her kids to her new man the day she kicked DH out, and he was moved in the following week. When she found out he was seeing me she wanted me to have them for an entire weekend as she wanted to go away for a birthday with new man. Despite the fact that a)I'd never met them b) she didn't know me from adam, c) she didn't know where I lived or who I lived with, if it was a shared house or a drug den and d) I'd only been seeing DP three weeks.

I posted on here at the time if it was reasonable, because there was no way I was having them, and the consensus was IWBU as obviously she trusted DP with the kids, and by extension she trusted me, as Dp wouldn't be going out with anyone who was a risk to her kids.

As long as he's not introducing her as their "new mum" or anything, the kids will meet people, stay in friends houses- does nobody take their kids to stay over at friends any more? Or have friends to stay?

Wow. Some people set the bar sooo low for men, don't they!

It has nothing to do with setting the bar too low.
How can a poster put this man down for something they themselves have done and their relationship that the paced so well failed yet is so far his has not.

Dont get me wrong he does not sound like father of the year but imo the OP started this thread not because she thinks his parenting is crap (she has allowed unsupervised visits for quite sometime) but because there is now a gf on the scene.

It is that which is bothering the OP.

Of course the poster can say that!

She proceeds with caution. This guy hasn't.

She proceeds with caution. This guy hasn't.

Proceeding with caution did not stop the relationship ending thus potentially causing emotional damage to the child which is apparently what the poster is villifying the OPs ex for even though his relationship has not ended

I've had 3 relationships in 14 years, the first 3 years after the split from my ex husband as I felt my daughter needed my focus to be on her.

The relationship that didn't last had lasted for 2 years.

What have I rewritten? I've been clear that I understand we're only getting one side of the story and even when I've mentioned the possibility of this very young child dealing with multiple new girlfriends that this is only a possibility or potential.

I would NEVER have behaved the way we are being told this father or the girlfriend has. It's my opinion which I'm entitled to that this is an unhealthy way to approach introducing new relationships to a child. I'm not the only one that thinks or has said that this is not the best way to handle introducing children to new relationships after their parents split.

This is the second gf.

Seriously, what's the obsession with people saying my problem is that he has a gf? Am I really not allowed to be concerned for my daughters welfare without being jealous of another woman? We're not all like that and as I mentioned before I have a partner who I am very happy with.

Thanks to all non judgemental/presumptuous replies.

Yes because that's all you want to know? That your are correct to be annoyed.

I don't know why I waste my time. I think I can see why you have a poor relationship with this man. Must be hard to always be looked down on as inferior to you.

So 2 gf in 2 years? I would not say he is a prolific dater. Did you have concerns about the first one?

What exactly are your welfare concerns OP?

She doesn't appear to have any genuine welfare concerns. She just doesnt like being able to control her ex.

After all if she did have concerns about her child welfare she would have done something to prevent unsupervised contact right from the off.

I don't think it is jealousy of his romantic relationship at all. I think it's maternal jealousy. The likelihood that your daughter will be harmed by your partner's GF is negligible - most abusive situations involve a family adult but that is as likely to be someone you have known and trusted for decades as it is a new person. There is very little chance that she is getting up in the night to your DD because she is an abuser. She is probably just being kind. And you don't like it because it is another woman 'mothering' your child. Understandable but unreasonable.

I have stated my welfare concern very clearly. Too much too soon is my concern.

I didn't have concerns about he first one, she didn't stay overnight there.

We are actually on good terms and are doing well at co-parenting. I have spoken to him about this, all I asked was that I know where she is sleeping, which he refused to do.

I don't get some of the attitudes on here. We have a biological pull to protect our children + we're socialised to care for them.

We're supposed to throw that out the window just because we aren't w the father anymore. Suddenly we're all laissez faire about where our kids sleep at night and who is caring for them?

I think your apprehension is perfectly natural. Probably not much you can do, & probably she's fine, but of course you worry, you're her momma.

And I think he's being a dick not to let you know where your daughter is sleeping. I cried buckets in the same situation. It's very emotional not knowing where your children are at night. How this isn't obvious is

Too much too soon is my concern.

Where is the concern? What actual harm is it doing?
When do YOU feel your ex should introduce his gf to the child you share pr for?

Sorry OP but you cannot control your exes life and you cannot control what he does with his child.
She is not in danger and you clearly trust him.

I have to say I'm more surprised at the number of women who eagerly take on parenting duties/the role of stepmother
I think it's more that when you are already a mother, you automatically care for children who are in your company.

Overnights in a strange house less than 8 weeks after meeting her - not appropriate.
Really, why? How long should a child know someone before they can sleep overnight in their house with their parent present?
Why would another mum going to the child in the night be inappropriate?

OP, I do understand your discomfort about this situation, and your need to protect your daughter, however, I also think you have to be realistic about what you can do, and honest about the risks to your daughter. This may not be ideal, but your DD does seem to be in safe hands.

Where has anyone said she should stop caring about her child lizzie

Posters have said her feelings are understandable but unreasonable.

Lizzie: I understand that it feels like that for parents who have split with their child's other parent. I really do. You are used to having the final say. It is really hard to accept that however strong your feelings about your ex partner's parenting, you don't have leverage over what they do, where they go, what they feed your child, who they meet and how long they spend with them. I have nothing but sympathy for that, because it's horrible. But it is the reality of splitting up. You have your values and they have theirs, but you are not 'throwing all that out of the window' - you simply don't get to control how the other person parents.