Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

[ricecrispies16]

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.

Thoughts?......

and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

My view is a woman who is happy to introduce a man to her own children within a matter of weeks couldn't really give a shit about them. So why would she ever care about children that are not hers?

But surely as mothers we should have a level of control over our young children. Why is that such a bad thing

We want to protect them from harm and ensure their mental wellbeing. You don't compartmentalise being a parent. I just don't get this modern 'cool' parent attitude of you should just switch off being a mother because it's not your weekend and it's upsetting the new romance. God forbid you'd want to know what's going on in your child's life.

Not all ex's ARE responsible parents and expose their kids to all sorts of unsuitable people. That applies to men and women btw. Isn't it the role of the other parent to keep an eye on the wellbeing of their child?

Luckily the new GF sounds lovely but it doesn't make it right.

YANBU to feel the way you feel, but YWBU to act on it. However much of a lazy selfish or inconsiderate parent he may be, he is still her parent, and what he chooses to do during his time with his daughter, provided it isn't putting her in danger, is his choice. I wouldn't be happy about it either but if you make a big deal out of it it will hurt you more than them. Keep things as civil as possible with the ex and pick your battles. Don't let your daughter pick up on your annoyance, you don't want her to feel she has to pick sides or can't open up to you about how she's feeling.

That's exactly what it is, feeling no control, I won't deny that. But as her mum I do get a say in her life.

As someone said, i do my damn best at protecting her emotional wellbeing. I want her to feel safe and secure.

To be honest he was shit from day one, treated her like shit so I became very protective very quickly. Who can blame me. This has stuck with me hence why I find this situation very difficult.

YABU, be pleased that your ex's new partner gives a shit about a child that isn't hers.

Why the hell would you let him have access if he treated your DD like shit

Seems you have been happy all this time him having her over night until he gets a gf.

Unless your daughter is in danger or you have reason to believe your husband is unable to make decisions about his daughter's well being, you have no legal right to demand he tells you anything. It is his time to do what he wishes to with his child and you have to just get on with it. You don't have to like it but that is the way it is. You could ask him nicely if he would mind telling you where your daughter is sleeping when she is away from you and ascertain that she has her own bed. Try not to be too anxious about it, you want your daughter to feel she can talk to you without having her loyalty torn, you never know, this might be a good relationship which will give your daughter another ally in life.

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed.

For QueenofTheNaps

It's not a blended family when he has known her eight weeks. It still should be in the exciting dating phase - not getting you in the middle if the night to look after your new blokes kid.

More fool her - she sounds desperate

I presume the kids are with her ex?

Eve it appears the gf children are visiting their dad when OPs child stays.

But I think the girlfriend's children were with their own father? So the OP's child was not actually sharing a bed with anyone, just making use of an empty bed in the girlfriend's house.

YABU.

It's not up to you who she meets when with your ex, sorry.

The gf sounds nice though to be honest, it sounds like your ex is the one you have the problem with.

My previous post was directed to Eve.

I will keep asking the same thing over and over

What are you going to do about it?

I have been happy because his mum does the Bulk of looking after her. I have always dreaded him doing it on his own without his mum there and knew things might change when this happened.

Him having her 2 nights was gradual and I was ok with it knowing his mum was there to help

I don't know what I'm going to do about it

Sorry but if you think he is incapable of looking after your child then he should have supervised contact only and no overnights.

Do you truly think he is incapable of looking after your child?

Also, maybe the girlfriend will take over the role his mum has and look after your child well, surely that's a good thing? I would much rather a caring gf was involved than not, if I thought ex was not v good at parenting.

She doesn't sound nice, she sounds weird. Kids of her own but her new blokes child is her profile photo, after only two months? I know someone like this, obsesses over her boyfriends child while her own barely get a mention

He does have some issues and has made some less than sensible decisions this past year, I have threatened to call social services a couple of times and then his mum talks me round and with her being there 90% of the time when my daughter goes there I agree to leave things.

This is the thing, it's not as simple as ex has a new gf I don't like her looking after my daughter. There's loads of factors. Mostly, he's made a real effort and they now have a loving bond which wasn't there for a long time, which I'm very pleased about and she adores him. It's so difficult

What can OP actually do about it? If there are formal orders in place saying the child is to be with father from XX to XX, then the answer really is nothing, other than ask the ex not to have the child around the gf until the relationship is a bit 'older'. And if he refuses, there's nothing to be done unless OP wants to be in violation of court order. As long as the child is not in any actual danger you can't withhold contact simply because you aren't happy about the father's sleeping arrangements.

If there are no orders, I guess OP could stop contact, but would that really be in the best interests of the child? Probably not, again assuming the child is in no actual danger because it appears that the father does have a good relationship with the child (albeit facilitated by his mother picking up his slack). OP could also find herself dragged into court and contact orders issued that aren't what she would prefer the contact schedule to be.

OPs really dealing with a 'too late to shut the barn door now' situation. DD has already met the gf. DD at three is probably too young to think anything other than that her dad has a friend and they stayed at her house. As long as gf isn't being referred to as 'stepmum' or introducing DD as her stepchild I think I'd probably make a comment about 'Bit quick on the intros, don't you think? Next time please let me know ahead of time' but let the rest go as it sounds as if the father isn't going to change anything simply because OP asks him to.

Gf sounds like an idiot. Who jumps in like this? Who wants to prop up some lazy fucker dad? Never understood women like this.

But surely as mothers we should have a level of control over our young children.
She does - for 5 days a week.
But surely fathers also have exactly the same rights?

birdy maybe he isn't 'lazy'.... remember we only have one side of the story here

Oh ok, let's start from the position that the op is lying and the exs mum hasn't been doing the bulk of his parenting up til now...

If they marry or he moves in.... if.... then your DD will have a new family. Half brother/sister a step mum and extended family that way

It's good that the step mum is so caring and interested. Could be so much worse