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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

274 replies

ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 13:31

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.

Thoughts?......

and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

OP posts:
MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 19/11/2016 20:31

The truth is probably somewhere in between there birdy

birdybirdywoofwoof · 19/11/2016 20:37

why are some women so desperate to get involved in other women's children?
It's utterly strange to me.

Don't they have jobs, friends, DC of their own, and boundaries?

Cocksandrubbers · 19/11/2016 20:46

I really don't understand this whole "step back" attitude mn has regarding new partners.
I completely agree that op doesn't have a say in who her ex has a relationship with, but she has got a right to know where her child is and at least be given a heads up that their child is going to be involved with a new person so soon and would hope that she would extend the same courtesy to her ex.

My dcs were two when I split with their dad and I point blank refused him to allow our dcs to meet his gf and stay over as he would not tell me where they lived who they lived with (shared house) and because his gf (ow) felt uncomfortable with me knowing where her house was.

Well I say tough, my children's safety is paramount to me and at the time of the split my exdp didn't really know our dcs and had never spent 24hours with our children (long story). so I didn't feel it was right to put them in that situation.
Now 3 years down the line I think they have met his gf 3 times and stayed over once, that was enough for both of them to realise that they are far more interested in partying than doing any parenting.

So I would say sit down with your ex talk to him about the situation and explain calmly that it makes you feel uncomfortable that this early in the relationship you don't think it's suitable to have your Dd staying over and having his gf caring for her, which I think is nice. I would also ask him to tell her to remove your Dd's picture off of her profile pic as that would royally piss me off.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 19/11/2016 21:10

mum do you know something we don't?

Yes they could live happily ever after but they could also split up after all it's been eight weeks. Not very long to have your kids sleeping at your new birds house and having her get up to your child while he is doing god knows what.

Maybe he wasn't even in - maybe she was babysitting ...

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 19/11/2016 21:12

Well actually no. According to the children's act parents don't have rights at all.... mothers and fathers are both equal... but they have responsibilities

The rights lie with the child

paxillin · 19/11/2016 21:21

Cocksandrubbers, it isn't up to the OP to "allow" the contact unless she goes to court and convinces a judge the contact has to be supervised in some way. The Ex is the child's parent just like the OP. The fact that she was happy with the contact arrangements until the gf was on the scene will surely be taken into account. The 3 year old as a witness will not be taken seriously. At three, mine wanted to become a dinosaur when he grew up and you could have convinced him he slept in the bathtub if you told him a couple of times. He'd develop vivid memories of it.

I completetly agree it isn't great to introduce the gf so early, but there is nothing OP can do other than appeal to her Ex and maybe her ExMIL. In the absence of new evidence, a court would probably grant him the sort of contact visits he had now.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2016 21:28

but she has got a right to know where her child is and at least be given a heads up that their child is going to be involved with a new person so soon

Cocks I certainly agree with you on a cooperative co-parenting basis, but legally unless it's written in court orders a parent does not have the 'right' to know where the child is when with the other parent. The time spent with each parent is exactly that, their time. There may have to be an open line of contact (like a cell phone) but no parent has to be accountable to the other for their whereabouts during their time with their child. What a nightmare that would be for a parent with an abusive ex!

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 21:32

Babysitting.... he wouldn't dare! That would be it for me and he knows it.

OP posts:
ImNotDancing · 19/11/2016 21:34

whats wrong with him getting a babysitter?

Cocksandrubbers · 19/11/2016 21:43

paxillin I never said op should stop contact, I would never advise that unless she knew for sure her Dd was in danger.
I was giving my own experience and without going into it to much and derailing op's thread. my exdp was in prison and has not very long just come out when he moved in with ow now gf and with the reports I'd had from social services recommended that he was Not able to keep our dcs safe, however we have tried to move on from that and he has grown as person (no longer criminally active) but still won't look after our dcs or try to provide a proper home form home environment, i.e. Still living in a room with his gf so now my dcs cannot stay with him.

Op doesn't have any right to know her ex has a new partner vice,versa but she, as does her ex have an equal right to know that their child is safe whoever they are with, this is not about the rights of a child it's about right and wrong and my opinion is that it's wrong to introduce and partner wether it's mums or dads so soon.

HeySoulSister · 19/11/2016 21:47

Yes, what's wrong with her babysitting?

He can allow that. It's not your call op

reallyanotherone · 19/11/2016 21:51

O/p, do you go away with your dd? Do you get a babysitter?

If so, do you ask your ex for his permission first?

Atenco · 19/11/2016 21:51

It must be really hard sharing parenting with someone you have no respect for, OP. My ex was so uninvolved it was not a problem for me but he still managed to give me the rage.

But you've got to find a way of getting on with him for your sake and the sake of your dd. There are facts, like he is probably enjoying the idea of you being upset, so letting him know that will not get any good result for you. He is legally allowed to take all the decisions about your dd while she is in his care and his going to stick to his legal rights. So maybe you have to try a bit of honey. Accept what is happening and try to be his ally. Presume that the gf is a decent person and try to make friends with her. If they split up, try to get him on board about waiting six months before introducing a new gf into your dd's life.

happypoobum · 19/11/2016 22:00

OP YABU. I imagine there is a huge backstory to why you are so controlling about your ex and the daughter you share but honestly, you need to accept that he has every right to have a relationship and there is nothing you can do about where DD sleeps unless she is danger.

I also don't understand why the GF isn't allowed in the car outside your house? You sound very childish. Why is ex not allowed a babysitter? Do you never go out with your partner and have someone else look after DD? It all sounds very odd.

The GF sounds like she has a real interest in DD and surely that has to be a positive thing?

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 22:19

I don't have an issue with her having a baby sitter, just not by someone I've never even met!

Would you be ok with a random person looking after your children if you knew nothing about them and had never met them??

OP posts:
Cocksandrubbers · 19/11/2016 22:21

across I'm not saying that ops ex has to inform her of his every move he doesn't. but have you ever not known where your child is, especially when you're expecting them to be somewhere else?

I have and it's terrifying, that's why I can understand where the op is coming from.

ImNotDancing · 19/11/2016 22:33

if my ex partner trusted them enough with our child then I would trust them too - whether that be a new partner or a babysitter
If i didn't trust my ex partner to make sensible and safe decisions in terms of wellbeing then the only contact would be supervised

Bluebell878275 · 19/11/2016 22:35

She's not a random person though....to you perhaps but not to your ex. He has made a decision to have this woman in your child's life..I'm sure it's frustrating but he has every right to do that just as you do.

ImNotDancing · 19/11/2016 22:36

I echo a previous question, if you need childcare do you check with him first?

PeachBellini123 · 19/11/2016 22:38

I feel sorry for step-parents: show love and affection to your partners children and you're called overbearing. Act with distance and you're cold and uncaring! People can't win.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 19/11/2016 22:39

You're a step parent when you've been dating someone for two months now?
Okayyy.

Hayles88 · 19/11/2016 22:41

Yabu and yanbu. I understand how you feel as my ex is doing the same with DS (though this is the latest gf and this has happened before) and it drives me insane as DS keeps meeting new gfs, bonding with them and their kids etc. However I have been told by my solicitor that what dad does on his contact is up to him, unless its harmful to DS. Apparently multiple girlfriends etc isnt. So as much as I completely feel for you and understand, you have to just suck it up and be thankful she's a nice caring lady. Ex's latest one isn't that great, the last one was lovely. :(

369thegoosedrankwine · 19/11/2016 22:42

I stepped up as step mum to my dss when I had met him after 2 months of meeting his dad (he was 7yo). I had nothing but good intentions so much so that I have played a big part in his life for the last 17 years.

She is being nice if she is looking after her well. Appreciate it and unless something raises a really bad feeling / protection issue be glad she is in her life.

Hayles88 · 19/11/2016 22:43

Blush Clearly thread has moved on since my post

birdybirdywoofwoof · 19/11/2016 22:47

Why did you feel you had to step up to be a step mum after dating only two months?
Were the parents not involved/on the scene?

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