Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

[ricecrispies16]

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.

Thoughts?......

and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

The grown up thing would have to already had a discussion on ground rules such as when to introduce new partners to your daughter - this obviously hasn't happened but too late now. You need to accept that her dad has rights too and will probably want his gf to join them on the holiday. Can you not talk it through with him or are you on bad terms?

Yanbu, he has know this woman for 2mths. Changing her profile photo to show your Dd instead of her own is imo strange. You can report the photo to Facebook telling them it is your daughter and want it removed. They will do this and they don't tell the person why it just disappears from their profile. (I know this as my cow of a sil reported a photo I had of my Dd, due to the fact her Dd was also in the photo. )

If you are close to your former mil then I'd perhaps ask her opinion/find out more.Were are her children sleeping while your Dd is sleeping in one of their beds ?

You need to block both your ex and the new girlfriend on Facebook. There's no need for you to see their stuff and then it won't piss you off. My ex rang and moaned at my now dh for putting a photo of him and dd as his profile pic. It was ridiculous. We all blocked my ex.

Whatever your ex does with your child on his time is up to him. (As long as it wasn't something life threatening of course)!

His new girlfriend sounds really nice, you really need to step back and let them all get on with it.

I know how you feel but nothing you can do about it. My ex has a girlfriend who is involved in my DD life.

She's a nice woman, no agenda, genuinely cares for my DD and they both like each other.

I'm happy that their happy when together.

I would hate it as well but I'm not sure there's anything you can do practically, except make your ex inform you about where she will be sleeping etc.

I'm with those saying it's too soon.

Irrelevant how nice she is, at this stage he can't possibly know if the relationship is going to last beyond Christmas! Potentially they could slit up, he meets another new girlfriend does the same thing all over again and by February your daughter is dealing with either staying at ANOTHER new girlfriends or another relationship of her fathers breaking up!

And yes I'd say the same about a woman introducing a new boyfriend so soon.

Your ex sounds like a prize idiot. However, my advice would be to just try and accept it, and also be thankful that the woman sounds kind, if perhaps rather ridiculous re the photos.

You have no legal grounds to chase things and if your ex is an idiot then it is likely he will do this kind of thing over the years. Honestly, you have to really try and let it go, otherwise you've got another 16 years of feeling your guts getting tied up in knots.

Sadly as his father he can do what he thinks is right, even though you vehemently disagree. I hope the grandmother will be there on the holiday still?

YADNBU I would be livid!

I have 2 DD, an 18 month old and a baby and I definitely wouldn't be happy with your ex's behaviour.

It sounds to me like his new gf is 'mothering' your DD because she's that type of woman and got children of her own etc so is embracing he comes as a 'package deal', in the hope he is just as accepting of her children. Granted the photo etc is all a bit OTT for me. It is the better option than her having no interest or care towards your DD at all.

I think his attitude stinks! Regardless of whether the days out and sleepovers at gf's house take place on 'his time' you are her mum (and she's only 3!) and you deserve to know where she is and who she is with at all times!

If I was in your shoes I would want to meet her to make sure I was completely comfortable given the amount of time your DD is spending with her. Don't go in all guns blazing simply tell your ex and MIL your DD is still very very young and you want to meet the woman whose house she is sleeping in and spending time with. Again bearing in mind your DD is only 3, if your ex refuses then I would go down the solicitor route because for me that would be a huge red flag and a worry of what the future could bring if he splits with this partner and then has another and so on...

Personally I think it is weird when people start posting photos of unrelated children of boy/girlfriends of just a few weeks gushing about "my ikkle man!" and "my pwincess!" because, no, that's not your kid, you're a family friend at best, back off. It's weird. Know your place.

And no, I don't think you're being unreasonable that if a child cries in the night, its parent should be the one to comfort her, not friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, postmen, randoms. Children need close family and adults they can trust, not a carousel of 'friends'. I think it's very sad that 'dad' doesn't want to spend his measly hours of contact with his daughter, instead she is dragged along on his time with 'girlfrend'.

But there's nothing you can do, unfortunately. You can't police his relationships and he cannot police yours (though watch this space, he will probably attempt to.)

I'm with you Op, I'd be pissed off too with the posting of the picture.i don't know why she'd do that, but in my experience people tend to post for a reason, it's probably to cause a commotion. Your ex needs to get a grip of this, he's known her two months, what about when the next girlfriend comes along, will she also have posting rights ?.Your daughter could be paraded all over different women's pages by the time she's five, with the pictures going to all and sundry, these young children don't have a say in the matter, they need an adult to control it.

Posters are saying the woman was nice for tending to your daughter in the night, which I understand, it was a kind thing for her to do, but she should of kicked the sleeping Dads arse and woke him up to tend to his daughter.I still can't get my head around the unlimited access after seeing someone for 2 months, she could be anyone.

You need to have a chat with your ex and tell him your concerns.

I can't even begin to imagine how it feels knowing that your dd is spending time with a woman he's only known a short time, but on the plus side at least she's a mum too and she sounds as if she is getting involved with your dd. But I do think I'd say to your ex that you need to know if she's staying there, if there was an emergency or accident of any kind (god forbid) for safety reasons you should know where she is - and that you would extend him the same courtesy if your dd isn't staying with you at home. It's one of things that sadly you have no control over, but he is being unreasonable by not letting you know.

Stop stalking them for gods sake what they do on the ex's time is nothing to do with you presuming the child is fed, washed and loved. Would you rather she hated your kid and tried to push her out?

Yabu. New gf sounds lovely and caring quite frankly.
You might not like it, but that's a different matter.

I haven't read all the comments but I'm assuming somebody has already said something along the lines of what I'm going to say

You're not over reacting about where she goes, you SHOULD know where she is and where she goes (obviously with the exceptions like nipping to Morrisons etc, not so important things) Even if there's nothing you can do about it, your X should tell you if your daughter is spending the night at his new partners.
And you're not being silly for being really concerned about her involvement, that is completely natural.
Think of it this way, though - this new partner clearly cares about your DD and accepts her, even wants her at her house! Some step parents (not implying that she is a step parent already - just using the term in general) don't really like the company of others children. Do you know what I mean? Like, they want their partner to themselves and are uncomfortable around the children?
My point is it's nice that she's nice and is happy looking after your DD.
And that makes 1 more positive person in your DD's life! You can never have too many of those

it was a good 6mo before my brothers new gf was allowed to meet his kids, infact she met mine before she met his!

2 mo is too soon, and he ought to be doing the overnight care.

Its good that she is obviously a nice person and helping, but its all too soon.

When dc is legally with her father it is none of your business. Unless you think she is being abused/neglected in which case you go to a lawyer and try and get full residency. So your being unreasonable.

Neon rainbow - really? You think I'm "stalking" them? I was with him for years, he has my family members as fb friends, they told me.

I have tried to speak to him and explain I feel I should know where my child is at night. I don't know a damn thing about this woman or where she lives.

The whole thing just creeps me out and my poor daughter is here there and everywhere, one bedroom the first time she slept there another bedroom the other. It's completely selfish.

He even has the bloody audacity to pull up outside my house to bring her back with the gf in the car !!! He had a really hard time accepting my partner when I met him and I was kind enough not to rock the boat i.e. Didn't take him along to collect or drop her off and now he's moved on it's a different rule completely. I just think it kind of takes the piss.

Good idea about reporting the photo.

I can agree that 2 mos is too soon to introduce a gf. But the bottom line is that when the ex introduces a gf is nothing that you have any control over. At this point the best you can do is just KOKO. It won't do any good to raise a fuss over this, it will only make your ex more secretive and spoil any type of cordial relationship between you and this gf. Remember that just because she's 'new', it doesn't follow that it won't last.

I would however, let ex know that I was unhappy that he didn't think that where my child was spending the night was important enough to tell me about. And that (possibly) he was encouraging her to lie or 'not tell' me things.

YANBU - you should know where your DD is sleeping.Your Ex should have told you he was intending to introduce your DD to his new lady and about the sleeping (is she sharing a room with a 13 year boy?) arrangements. I also think your ex- MIL could have mentioned it to you since you were under the impression that DD was at her house. Information like that should not come from the DC and as a shock. Dreadful.

I imagine posting the picture has the consent of the father, so again its perfectly legal. Your right to have feelings about this but its his daughter as well and one parents opinion does not trump another ones.

How do you know your ex and his gf have only been together for two months? Did they know each other beforehand? Seems weird that the gf's own 13yo wouldn't be upset at seeing their mum's FB profile picture changed to one which includes new boyfriend's child but not them. Most odd.....

I just don't get this. Your DD is with her father so why is it a problem that they sometimes sleep at his GF's house?

Saying your DD 'will find it confusing' sleeping somewhere else, is just silly. She's not sleeping at a different house every other night. Just sometimes at your ex MIL's and now sometimes at the GF's. Hardly a dizzying array of venues, is it

As for the GF going to comfort your DD in the night, I think it shows she is a caring and kind person. Surely, this is a very, very good thing, yes??? Plenty of GFs would resent their partner's DCs, and shun them.

As for her FB pictures...firstly, why are you looking at her FB? Secondly, she probably put up the photo because they'd had a nice time and it was a nice photo...nothing more sinister than that. I change my profile picture regularly, and in the past have had a photo up of my Mum with my Auntie, just because the photo made us laugh.

I think the bottom line here is that you are resentful that your ex has moved on, and you're jealous of his GF...and, as a result, are trying to tar her with a rather nasty brush, whilst disguising it as righteous concern for your DD.

Rather childish and more than a bit spiteful. Don't fool yourself that your DD won't pick up on your negativity towards the GF, by the way. She will. And as a result you will put her under pressure, andake her feel anxious and guilty for liking the GF.

Be glad she is nice and although it might hurt a bit at first suck it up and count your blessings!! my exs gf made my DD clean up her own sick when she was ill. (She was 7at the time) and my ex was working. I broke my heart for her when she told me. She also told her she was a spoilt brat because she wouldn't eat a curry she had cooked. And the final straw was when she drove her out at 12pm at night to pick up my ex when his car broke down. (He had been called into work. She had been drinking at home was stopped for drunk driving with my DD in the car. I had to go to the police station at 1am to pick her up. At least shes not like that!

from the update I think YABU, what would you report the photo for? presumably she had his permission to post it. and being upset he brings new gf to drop little one off is just daft. He obviously sees a future and wants to involved her