Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

[ricecrispies16]

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.

Thoughts?......

and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

I have to say I'm more surprised at the number of women who eagerly take on parenting duties/the role of stepmother after shagging a guy for a couple of months despite their being two perfectly capable and competent parents already.

I think the short answer is situational. One of the competent parents isn't there.

Even if the other one is basically about, an engaged step-parent offers a degree of flexibility.

For example one day I looked after my stepdaughter while my partner was taking my stepson to a judo contest. She was offered the choice of going with her Dad and brother to judo. Or helping me strip wallpaper. She opted to strip wallpaper and enjoyed it.

But Stepdaughter's mother was horrified when she rang up. 'Where's her father etc' 'With Stepson I said. Stepdaughter decided she wanted to stop me.'

people are making it sound like there are evil woman out there to pounce on your ex and your child and make them their own. Instead these are simply women who, more often than not, love a man who has a child and love every part of him including his children. They're not trying to steal your children, but they are there for them. How can more people to love a child ever be a bad thing?

Why parenting duties?
Why does caring for a child suddenly have to be about wanting to parent?

I have DSSs and since i entered their lives I have cared for them.
The GF is not calling herself mum or trying to parent it sounds like she was just caring. Before becoming a mum i did not "care" for any child but now if i hear a child crying in the store of see one fall over in the street my heart pangs and i want to make sure tgey are ok. This does not mean I want to parent them it is just an instinct towards children because I am a parent.

"I have to say I'm more surprised at the number of women who eagerly take on parenting duties/the role of stepmother after shagging a guy for a couple of months despite their being two perfectly capable and competent parents already."

Absolutely! It's weird and inappropriate. Especially when you consider the ACTUAL amount of time the girlfriend will have spent with this child - in real terms less than a week likely!

Children may APPEAR to adapt ('they're so resilient') BUT

1 they shouldn't have to until it's absolutely necessary - ie when it's clearly a long term relationship not a matter of weeks

2 the effects often aren't clear until the child is much older

3 the dad and girlfriend in this situation don't appear to be considering the effect on the child.

The pps who've said they were the girlfriend in this situation -

Have as far as I can see stated from their perspective 'I wanted to know his child' 'I wanted to show I cared about someone important to him'

NOT ABOUT YOU! where was the child's welfare in that thinking?

I think it's quite child-led. Children benefit from attention and will want to talk to any adult who is friendly and kind and has a bit of time for them.

With my stepchildren the confusion arose when their mother made it clear that they weren't supposed to get on with me or like me.

why are we only critizing women? what about the amount of kids who call their mothers new partner dad despite having contact with their actual father?

Because this situation involves a non- parent woman. If it involved a non-parent man I for one would be saying EXACTLY the same. You don't introduce a child into a new relationship so early and CERTAINLY not overnights in a strange house with that person, and with that person behaving/caring for the child in a way that is meant for the parents to do.

But the gf isnt a non parent. She is a mum so she met the childs needs while she was in her home. There is nothing wrong with that, better than just ignoring the child.

The gf is not the one at fault the dad is. He chose to introduce this soon and he chose to have his dd stay over. The gf has done nothing wrong yet she seems to be getting all the grief.

But it's happened. So unless you have a time machine, further winding up the OP about 'the rules' of how things ought to be, that's not finding a new way forward in the situation. He's an adult man, who has parental responsibility and that's the decision he has taken. Same as a mother who decides to introduce, no permission is needed.

I have no idea what being angry or outraged about it over and over will achieve.

Don't pump your child for information, they don't like it and it will grow uncomfortable for them and risk telling you lies.
Also bear in mind that children do not feel or think the same as adults and often say things they think happened or was said, but it didn't. A 3yo she not a reliable 'source of information', so you need to speak directly to exDP.

From his POV he probably doesn't want to live with his mother forever so the 'rush' has been partly about moving on and moving out. If you think he is an incompetent parent then address this via legal channels. All your outrage will do is draw them together into a family unit against you, instead of with you.

I'm speaking to you from experience. Many of the outraged posters don't have experience of this they have a moral black and white view.

Way too sensible there myusername!

I know who knew!
My ex is currently texting me now about our daughter as we are having some issues. If I had chosen to alienate him with my anger for his rushed relationship (which he did exactly the same as OP) I don't think we would be here now. Everyone respects me as mother and I respect him as father. GF has never tried to be their mother but he is quite useless at times and I'm glad she's there.

You have 15 years of coparenting. Pick your battles

bubble she is a none parent in relation to the child we are talking about.and pretty much everybody saying it's unacceptable is saying that it is because Ito the dad is wrong.

However if some bloke thst I had been seeing for only 8 weeks tried to introduce his kids so soon and expecting me to play a parental/care giver role I would be thinking he was a bit of a twat who put his own needs over his child and I wouldn't be playing along with it

You are massively overreacting.

It's not like it's a different house every week
presumably you wouldn't like to be told what you can do in your time.

Totally understand where you are coming from but I would look at it a different way if you can. Exh would inevitably find a new partner & if she's caring for your dd which it sounds like she is then I think you need to take comfort from that. I bet his mum did most of the caring at her house as well.

For a while I was gf to a man with 2 children. They were lovely kids. He was quite rubbish which is probably one of the many reasons they were only there at weekends iyswim.

I would also want to know where my child was when not with me. Could you ask to meet the new gf and see where she lives & just ask about consistency re arrangements? Could she have her own bed maybe?

I also thought he introduced me to his kids too early but it was his choice. I had a great relationship with them. Shame he was such a loser & I had to kick him into touch.

Myusename talks a lot of sense.

Yes I meant not a parent to the child involved.

Absolutely it's the dad in the wrong primarily BUT the girlfriend has allowed it - she didn't have to. My exs then girlfriend (and she was the ow too so hardly a great setup for me to have to deal with!) told him off for suggesting she meet our daughter 3 weeks after I'd kicked him out for the affair!

We (me and her) went for a coffee before she met our daughter, had a little chat about our (me and exs) daughters needs and quirks. She was totally understanding and that was even though she wasn't yet a mother herself. She was introduced as 'daddy's friend' around the 4 month mark, then gradually was around more when my ex had contact. They're now married and have children together. My daughter gets on better with her than her dad!

I've dated since we split but my daughters only met one of the people I dated as none of the others were serious. Unfortunately that didn't last but I think that was easier for my daughter to deal with because he wasn't just flung into her life!

I've dated since we split but my daughters only met one of the people I dated as none of the others were serious. Unfortunately that didn't last but I think that was easier for my daughter to deal with because he wasn't just flung into her life!

How is that different from the OPs ex?
You waited and the relationship didnt last so whos to say the OPs relationship wont just because he has only wauted a few months?

The op actually posted because she wants to now stop her dd going on a previously planned New Year/ Birthday holiday with her dad and nana, because she's cross about the gf.
The gf is here to stay (at least as long as their relationship lasts) and the routine has already been set there (and the gf seems more than capable of providing a safe loving environment in the same vein as mum and nana - ignoring dad as he doesn't really seem to care much).
So, op, nothing to be done about the gf, you have to deal with that and make the best of it, and keep your fingers crossed she is a keeper. What about the holiday then? Are you going to bust up well laid plans and a treat for your dd? Or are you going to let your exp carry on with the plans he has made for his longer contact period over new year?

Because as I said, he wasn't just flung into her life with no preparation/discussion. My daughter is the priority not my love life.

Because as I said, he wasn't just flung into her life with no preparation/discussion. My daughter is the priority not my love life.

But all that prep and he didnt last.

All the concern on this thread is about how its too soon/relationship wont last and the child may be damaged yet as your own situation proves even if you wait and prep your child the relationship may not last so i cant see the big deal with introducing new gf after 2 months.

Because

The father doesn't even know the girlfriend that well.

The daughter hasn't had a chance to get to know the girlfriend.

There's inappropriate behaviour happening.

The daughters feelings/responses haven't been considered.

The prep was for my daughter not the relationship. Relationships don't always last that's life, but that's why you don't risk a very young child becoming attached to potentially several adults that if/when the relationship breaks down they suddenly never see again! The child then feels abandoned, rejected, guilt, confusion, has difficulty trusting.

My daughter was also a good bit older than the child in this case.

The father doesn't even know the girlfriend that well.

We dont know that. He coyld have known her months/years and only just started a relationship with her.

The daughter hasn't had a chance to get to know the girlfriend.

DD gas to meet her and spend time with her to get to know her so wgats your point?

There's inappropriate behaviour happening.

Where?

The daughters feelings/responses haven't been considered.

How do you know? Dad may have asked DD uf she us happy to stay over. He nay gace checked she likes the gf. Tge OP does not mention that the DD is upset at staying over or seems distressed.

Relationships don't always last that's life, but that's why you don't risk a very young child becoming attached to potentially several adults that if/when the relationship breaks down they suddenly never see again! The child then feels abandoned, rejected, guilt, confusion, has difficulty trusting.

But that happened in your own relationship so how can you use it to blame the dad? Also older children are much more aware of relationships and understand being abandoned more than young children so i dont see how age is an issue?

Bad typos sorry trying to multi task

Yes the daughter has to meet and get to know her - gradually. Overnights in a strange house less than 8 weeks after meeting her - not appropriate.

The girlfriend shouldn't be the one going to her in the night - that's inappropriate. The dad not considering the effects of this - inappropriate. The dad palming off parenting to the new girlfriend - inappropriate.

My understanding based on the ops posts was that the daughter was showing behaviour that the situation is stressing her (and yes I get the op is biased but that's true of every thread).

Asking a 2/3 year old (which we don't know if he did) if they're OK staying in a strange house, unlikely to get a genuine honest response. Even if you assume such a young child would even understand the question.

My daughter being older meant I could discuss properly and explain what was happening.

There is only one relationship since her father where my daughter has had to deal with the consequences of it breaking down. Hard to go through and not ideal, but to potentially put a very young child through that several times a year is in my opinion not what a good caring parent does.