Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

[ricecrispies16]

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.

Thoughts?......

and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

Jinglebells absoBLOODYlutely!

As if! The op is the primary carer and the dad sounds at best clueless at worst neglectful! I'd be more worried if someone in the ops position were blasé!

From a legal stand point she couldn't call the police and say 'my child is kidnapped' or please find her I don't know where she is unless she's worried she is in danger.
A court might advise them to be open about living arrangements but it wouldn't stop him getting custody/visitation that he had a non dangerous girlfriend in a non dangerous house.

He's a twat.i agree. But it's done and you have to find a way to move forward and learn to communicate

She has no right to know what her daughter is doing when with her dad?

FFS! What planet do some posters live on?

Planet reality maybe? She really doesn't have that right. It is distressing for the parent left behind. It is really worrying not to have control over such a large part of a child's life. But that is the reality in split families. Unless she has some reason to suspect the GF is a danger to the child, she has no right to be told what happens at dad's weekends.

I think anyone who is loving and kind towards to your child is never a bad thing. Your daughter is lucky to have people like this in her life.

How ever it sounds like they are getting close and if this is just a 2 month relationship the likelyhood of her being out of her life just as quick is still a possibility. And thats a bit harsh. Her dad should be considering all this. The woman however has done nothing wrong. However as a mother herself you would think for the listed reason above she would push back meeting her.

B

I think it does seem quick to be introducing a new partner but unfortunately if that is the way he wants to work things there probably isn't a lot you can do about it.

With regards to her going to DD in the night, just from my own experience I wonder if DD asked for her rather that her Dad? When I first met my DSD (although introduced a lot more gently than in this situation) she wanted me over Daddy a lot in the early days of us spending time together as I was a novelty. That's not to say I think YABU (I think it's a bit irresponsible for him to have introduced a new woman before he is sure the relationship is going somewhere).

I guess at the moment you have to just see how things pan out and be glad that at least this woman is a mum herself and seems to be caring towards your DD. If he is bringing her to drop offs maybe use that as an opportunity to introduce yourself so you could get to know her a bit more at least which might reassure you a bit?

he has my family members as fb friends, they told me.
Sounds like a bit of stirring going on there! There is no need for you to know about the FB photo.

I do understand why you are feeling so annoyed about this but I don't think that means you are right.

In an ideal world, your ex would have waited longer to introduce his gf, and he would keep you up to date on everything they were doing. However, he's allowed not to. It would be nice for you to know exactly where your DD will be and who will be there, but he is her parent and he is allowed to make those decisions without consulting you - just as you are allowed.

There does seem to be an assumption that your DD woke in the middle of the night - it could just as easily have been 9pm while dad was having a shower or was in the loo. The woman is a mum, it's kind of instinctive to go and help a child in that situation. She sounds nice and very capable - probably good for your ex.

*So... its ok for you to move on and get a boyfriend, but he's not allowed to do the same?

Does your boyfriend ever do anything remotely parental with your daughter? Take photos of himself with her?

I am going to go out on a limb and assume yes he does. Oh my god how dare he blah blah. *

Get over yourself.

Where exactly have I said it's ok for me but not for him? To be honest I'm thankful he's finally happy and moving on!!!

Pictures? Rarely. So please don't assume anything.

You're making harsh presumptions about me when you know very little. You appear to think this is your right, perhaps you should get over yourself?

Do you have children?

Bottom line is, he's introduced a new person very quickly and this new person is now getting up with my daughter in the night. I'd have to be daft to ignore that.

But you cannot do anything about it. As much as you would like to

I feel for you OP. I would absolutely hate not knowing where my child was at such a young age. All those saying his time, his call are missing the point. It's not about flexing the parenting rights muscles it's about meeting basic parenting responsibilities. One of which is not to antagonise the other parent so as to create conflict and ultimately additional stress for the child. Lying by omission causes stress, which the ex has done by not informing the OP of the change in circumstances.

Her dad has the luxury of knowing where his child is so doesn't experience this stress. The OP on the other hand doesn't have the luxury of being afforded that courtesy. Pretty unbalanced and unreasonable in my view.

He even has the bloody audacity to pull up outside my house to bring her back with the gf in the car !!!

HOW DARE HE!!!!
Grow up.

Ok but what is getting angry with him going to change or achieve?

What do you want to do about it OP?

Yes how dare he! When I've had to drop my partner off at home before taking my daughter there because he has a hissy fit! I did that countless times but as soon as the tables turn he disregards that. Secondly, after not even telling me that she'd met the gf and my hearing it from the mouth of my two year old, I think I'm ok to be a bit annoyed when he just shows up with her in the car. It's disrespectful and just a child's sh display

I don't know what to do about it. It's the overnight aspect that's bothering me

And at that point he was being unreasonable, you shouldn't have pandered to him.

Can you talk to his mother?

IMO, children should not be introduced to their parents' new partners for a long time. Perhaps I am overly cautious but I would wait at least a year before the first introduction. And then I would tread very carefully before even beginning to think of moving in together, etc. So I would say that your ex's new relationship has progressed much more quickly than I would be comfortable with. But the pace of his relationship really is up to him. It is nothing you can have control over.

Should he tell you where he is spending the weekend with your daughter? Yes, I think that is common courtesy among divorced parents. Should he respond to his daughter when she cries at night, rather than expecting his girlfriend to do so? Of course, but he sounds like a rather useless father who assumes women are responsible for all childcare.

I just don't get this. Your DD is with her father so why is it a problem that they sometimes sleep at his GF's house?

So this would work both ways, yes? As my children's main carer it would be fine for me to move in my boyfriend of two weeks and have him help with everyday parenting such as dealing with nightmares?

I don't know what to do about it. It's the overnight aspect that's bothering me

But thats happened now a few times and your DD is fine so you really are going to have to get over it.

I know that you feel it is too quick and you dont like her staying there but she is in no danger and is cared for.

Please do not consider stopping cobtact.

Seems more like it's annoying you because you don't have control.

It doesn't really matter if she is physically cared for its what it could potentially do emotionally that's the issue - and one lots of people over look.

This is a very new relationship- it might not last the week. What will happen if they split them he meets some one new and takes his dd to stay there also. It's forcing the dd to build fast bonds with people that may not be even in her life for longer than a few months ect..

Plus she sees her dad two times a week. He really should be spending that time with her and not placing her in a new family where she has to share in a relationship that may not even last.

I wouldn't be happy either with my daughter sharing a bed with a 13 year old regardless of if it's a boy or a girl.

Neonrainbow have to agree with you.

OP you sound very defensive. Sometimes, in 'blended families' you have to take a step back and let it happen. It's his decision if he wanted to introduce his partner and DD is as much his as yours!
As a PP mentioned, perhaps it's a good idea to try to get to know this woman? She may be around a while and it certainly seems as though she cares about your little girl so far, it can be difficult to watch but thankfully so much better than some other awful possibilities.

Eve I'm not sure DD is actually sharing a bed with anyone? I didn't get that from this thread, but maybe I missed it.