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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

274 replies

ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 13:31

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.

Thoughts?......

and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

OP posts:

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 19/11/2016 15:37

Actually this would piss me off too.

It's not fair when kids are put on a crash course of 'bonding' and building up a relastionship with new partners. It's just the easy option for the parent when this happens. And I also believe when parents continually do this with multiple new partners it effects the child snd how they build relationships.

Why isn't he going to his own child in the night? This just smacks of lazy parenting and roping in another women gagging to play happy families so the bloke like her more.

That being said - don't know what you can do about it but it's shite.

Original poster

ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 15:38

MaQueen - that was a very interesting story you have just concocted there, bravo! Sorry to disappoint but you are way off the mark. I am a grown woman and I am concerned for my daughters welfare. I am in no way jealous, as mentioned upthread, I met my partner well over a year ago and have never been happier.

My children are my WORLD. Why would I be happy that my daughter is spending time with a woman I know nothing about? And not just a trip to the park, or lunch in a cafe, it's overnight stays in her house where she is doing the care giving during the night. To not notice this would be poor parenting on my part. I wouldn't send her to a nursery without meeting the people looking after her first, so why should I be happy that she has a sudden large presence in her life and I've never even laid eyes on the woman?

OP posts:

Wolpertinger · 19/11/2016 15:38

Why is he leaving her to deal with DD in the night?

Well surely that bit is obvious - your exP doesn't actually do any hands on parenting does he?

Before he was with this GF his mum did it all. He probably doesn't have a bloody clue what to do when his DD needs something. Let's face it, you didn't think he was worth staying with so he probably isn't much good.

So he's found a new GF - it's obvious to him that she's going to do all the work with DD. Because you did it, then his mum did it, now he's got another woman to do it...

It's probably better for your DD because at least the GF sounds nice and cares enough to do it because the ex-P farms the work out to any passing woman.

You are going to face that he's not much of a parent and this is what your daughter's contact with her Dad is going to be like. Cross your fingers the relationship lasts and isn't one of a long series. Or be pleased he hasn't dumped your DD for cramping his style.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/11/2016 15:40

I understand that this must be so hard and 2 months is a ridiculously short period of time for your dd to be staying over at her house. However it's his contact time and as long as your dd is safe, there is nothing you can do. Be the rock that your dd needs and try not to worry too much. This woman sounds as though she cares about your dd, which is the biggest blessing.

Allthewaves · 19/11/2016 15:41

You have valid reasons to be cross BUT you need to bite your tongue and let your ex get on with it. I don't see issue with gf being in car when dropping dd - would your rather he hid her?

Original poster

ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 15:42

Wolper- you've hit the nail on the head there. I left him because of how he treated my daughter.

And his mum does all the "looking after" e.g. Cooking meals, baths, trips, new clothes etc etc

OP posts:

Original poster

ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 15:43

I don't have an issue with her being in the car, what's pissed me off is that I bent over backwards to not take my partner there when he had a hard time of accepting it. Shouldn't have bothered

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 19/11/2016 15:43

Op no one, and I mean no one will ever in a million years replace your daughter mummy....

Never forget that

That's all you need to know

Suppermummy02 · 19/11/2016 15:44

Any point in you meeting this woman, trying to be friends with her? She might be really really nice and she could be in your DD life for years.

Original poster

ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 15:48

In an appropriate time frame her behaviour is fine, it's what I'd want but she's known my daughter for a matter of 2-3 weeks. Why is my daughter in her picture when she has two of her own? It doesn't make sense to me.

OP posts:

m0therofdragons · 19/11/2016 15:48

I think your last post shows how you feel. You call her "my daughter" but I'm afraid you don't own her and ex shares that responsibility. While dd is in his care, he calls the shots. I completely understand you are feeling protective of dd and feel he's made a bad choice re introducing gf but I'm afraid that is his choice and you cannot control that, all you can do is show dd love and stable support. Don't even suggest to dd you're unhappy. Your dd is your world but your dd's world is both you and your ex and as shitty as ex may be, little girls tend to adore their dads.
Family members seem to be stiring things which doesn't help but unless dd is at risk you have to cope - I know that sucks.

m0therofdragons · 19/11/2016 15:50

Oh if you have a partner is he trying to get revenge / make a point? Looks like he's trying to assert his authority and he's getting a rise from you.

Rubies12345 · 19/11/2016 15:51

I think it's weird. He's staying at this woman's house for sex and the child is dragged along. Sleeping in a teenage boy's bed when she has her own room at the Gran's.

Also, if she was close with the Gran does she not see her now?

lizzieoak · 19/11/2016 15:52

It is pretty frustrating, btdt.

My exh had our two sleeping at his girlfriend's within a couple of months of them meeting her. He wouldn't allow introductions, tell me her name, neighbourhood, etc for about a year. I found it rather frightening that if tier was an emergency I would have no idea where my children were.

Like your ex, mine was cramp at childcare & wanted them @ the gf's so he wouldn't miss any time w her.

I don't know what she was thinking about, quite honestly. She dropped him eventually.

I'm not sure there's much you can do, but I don't think you're being unreasonable.

paxillin · 19/11/2016 15:54

It must be really distressing not to have a say who is in your DD's life. But that's all there is to it. You do not get a say where she sleeps when he is with her dad and he can agree to pictures of her, he does not need your permission. You do not have a right to know unless you think the GF is a danger to your DD.

Myusernameismyusername · 19/11/2016 15:54

I can see you are upset but you can't control what he does in his time and also yes the GF does sound like a nice person to your DD. I hope it all settles down. I don't think anger will get you very far - talk civilly to him

Afreshstartplease · 19/11/2016 15:54

Yanbu op

Regardless of the gf sounding nice she shouldn't be in your dds life yet. Why can't he spend those two days with just your dd instead of playing house

Original poster

ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 15:56

This is the thing, she's spent two years sleeping 2 nights a week at her nanas house, in her own bedroom, next thing she's in this random woman's house. He has five other days and nights to himself where he can see his gf, there is no need for her to be sleeping there at this stage surely

OP posts:

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 19/11/2016 15:56

OP for what it's worth, I agree. If DD only stay with your ex 2 nights per week, why can't he stay with his GF the other nights and focus on DD while he has her? He's being selfish. It would be a good 5/6 months before my DS met a partner, and he's 11. But like you, that's different to how my ex did it. And yes, the change of profile picture sounds a bit desperate in my view. I'm sure she's a nice woman, but why the rush to be so involved?

Myusernameismyusername · 19/11/2016 15:57

Also my ex and I wouldn't know each other partners would we? I didn't know his Gf when he met her (I do now) so they will be a stranger to you for a short while and if you behave like this you have no chance of getting to know her better (you could get to know her, it actually could help)

Graphista · 19/11/2016 15:57

Also, if she was close with the Gran does she not see her now?

Another factor in this mess!

Yes he sounds like a shit pass the buck dad too!

Original poster

ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 15:57

I have been civil, I always have been for my daughters sake, I wouldn't want her to think me and her dad dislike each other. But I can't get through to him

OP posts:

Myusernameismyusername · 19/11/2016 15:58

You described the way you spoke to him as very uncivil

Myusernameismyusername · 19/11/2016 16:01

I don't think your approach is going to get the best outcome. You will just make him annoyed and less likely to tell you things. I don't expect to ask permission from my ex to do things with our joint kids and nor does he.
It's not idea to introduce too soon I do agree with that. But it is done now and you won't help your daughter by being angry/pumping her for information. Nothing wrong with talking to ex for some reassurance but you cannot control what happens when he is with her and nor should you, nor him with you

Original poster

ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 16:02

I asked him why he hadn't told me she wasn't sleeping where I assumed her to be. I deserve to know where she is. It worries me that I've been assuming she's at her nanas when she hasn't been. It breaks the trust

OP posts:

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