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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner allowing new gf far too much involvement with our daughter!

274 replies

ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 13:31

We have a nearly 3 year old daughter, when we split 2 years ago he moved back into his mums house where our daughter has her own room and has been sleeping for two nights a week. His mum helps him an awful lot with dd when she's there and we liaise about her a lot.

I knew he had met someone so knew that if it went well then EVENTUALLY she'd meet our daughter. Then bam out of nowhere I see a picture of the three of them cosied up on a day trip as a way of letting me know he'd introduced this woman to my daughter. Hours later, this woman had changed her picture to one of herself, my ex and my daughter!! She'd known my daughter for a matter of days at this point!!! Aibu to think that's weird?! She has two older (7 and 13) kids of her own yet its my daughter in her pictures?

My daughter then tells me she's been sleeping at this woman's house, in her sons bed. Obviously livid that I'd been presuming my daughter was sleeping at her nanas house when in reality she was elsewhere I ask him about it and all he can say is it's not upto me where she goes when she's in his care.

She's come back to me today, told me she slept there last night, this time in the other child's bed, she woke twice in the night crying and it was his gf that went to her in the night!!

Aibu to be very worried about this or am I over reacting? I need some outside perspective!!

She's meant to be going on an 11 day holiday with ex partner and her nana over new year and my daughters birthday. I weren't sure about it anyway but now I just don't want her to go full stop.

Thoughts?......

and he met his new gf about 2 months ago

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 19/11/2016 16:05

It does but he isn't obliged to tell you so he didn't. He's been a twat about it so it would help now if you try take a deep breath and work out a way forward from now on.
It's not a nice feeling but it can be better, so many things I have had to suck up in the past and accept, however much I didn't want to. Now I know the GF and Trust and like her (doesn't mean I like him all that much sometimes).
Talk to him about her having her own space perhaps a little pull out her and her own things so she feels settled.

123MothergotafleA · 19/11/2016 16:05

I imagine you are relieved to be rid of him, he sounds like a right catch.
Managed to get a live in career for His child into the bargain!
Lovely.....

usual · 19/11/2016 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImNotDancing · 19/11/2016 16:06

how would you like it if he started dictating what you do on your time?

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 19/11/2016 16:09

I'm not dictating. Am I supposed to not care?!

OP posts:
ImNotDancing · 19/11/2016 16:11

you're meant to trust that he makes the right decisions for her

paxillin · 19/11/2016 16:13

It is frustrating, but much as it feels you deserve to know where she is, he really does not have to tell you. She is with her dad and safe. You need to bite your tongue unless you have reason to believe the GF is a danger to your DD.

Islacornx · 19/11/2016 16:16

YANBU if you are upset at the thought of another woman stepping into the role of mammy while she is not with you, if they've only been together for 2 months then this will still be hard for you to take in. For me personally I would also be upset at another woman mothering my children however it does sound like she is caring for your daughter and doing a good job so at least your mind can rest over that. Just remember that you are her mother and try not to get to hung up over this other woman. As long as she is caring for your daughter and not doing anything out of line then hopefully your feelings should settle within time. However YABU if this is just jealousy over your partner moving on and finding someone new. Unsure of which. But if this woman is going to be sticking around then there's no getting out of it unfortunately and you will have to deal with your feelings xx

Chewbecca · 19/11/2016 16:16

I'm sure it is tough to experience but YABU.

When your daughter is with her Dad, it is his responsibility to know where she is etc.

He/she may have known each other much longer than 2 months for all you know.

It could be far, far worse, your ex could have a new GF who is not interested in your little girl and leaves her out, the reality is that she sounds kind and loving, be grateful for that.

Your point about her being in the car at drop off is petty and makes you sound jealous and makes it clear you are not able to see what's important and what's not.

neonrainbow · 19/11/2016 16:22

So... its ok for you to move on and get a boyfriend, but he's not allowed to do the same?

Does your boyfriend ever do anything remotely parental with your daughter? Take photos of himself with her?

I am going to go out on a limb and assume yes he does. Oh my god how dare he blah blah.

Get over yourself.

RepentAtLeisure · 19/11/2016 16:32

She's with her father....

Who apparently is delegating her care to a woman who has been in his life for 8 weeks. She's waking up in the middle of the night only for a near stranger to come and check on her. It's inappropriate for her DF to literally lie back and let someone he barely knows do his parenting for him. (And I can imagine how this thread would read if it was a father worried about his ex's brand new boyfriend getting up to his child in the night.)

gillybeanz · 19/11/2016 16:34

I don't think you are over reacting, and couldn't imagine somebody else caring for my dc when they were little.
It is your business if he has only known her for a couple of months and I'd be asking him how he was protecting her mh in the case of them not staying together.
he could have a string of women coming in and out of your dd life and of course it's your business.
Just ask him how he would like it if another man was caring for your dd, and wtf he didn't get up to her in the night.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 19/11/2016 16:34

It's one thing 'caring' about a child and another thing 'letting' the father sit back and not parent his own child. If this women genuinly cared about the child she would be telling him to get the fuck out of bed and see to his own child. She is the to see him not to become some 'blended' family after two months. This results in the new women getting pisssd off that she is doing all the work and resentment setting in.

I wouldn't be happy with this at all and if be asking if she could actually stay in her own room at her nannas. If he sees her two days it's no hardship

Lunar1 · 19/11/2016 16:34

I'm with you op, it's weird and creepy to be this over involved so soon. If you had allowed this with a new boyfriend of two months and posted about it, pitchforks would be out and everyone would be trying to get mumsnet to report you to social services.

Graphista · 19/11/2016 16:37

"you're meant to trust that he makes the right decisions for her"

Really?

At least part of the reason for them splitting was him being a crap dad.

Firstly he was having the child at his mothers as he Cba to be a halfway decent dad.

Then he throws a VERY young child in the middle of a new relationship, with other children involved.

Doesn't keep mum (the primary carer) informed of important facts.

Doesn't consider the effect on his daughter of passing her from pillar to post every week.

I wouldn't bloody trust him!

usual · 19/11/2016 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Forfrigssake · 19/11/2016 16:38

Rice your ex sounds like my sisters' ex husband. She quickly met someone after they split but despite her and new partner being together for 4 years her ex husband slags him off to their children and he makes a fuss if he's with her when she collects and drops off children. He on the other hand has had 18 girlfriends.....yup 18!! The children have counted! Most of these 'girlfriends' have stayed at his house and spent time with the children!

YouWereAlwaysPerfect · 19/11/2016 16:39

YANBU he has only known her for 2 months and he has already introduced her to your daughter? It's not on, he should be the one checking on his daughter in the middle of the night, not his girlfriend.

TheFairyCaravan · 19/11/2016 16:39

YANBU OP.

DSS was a similar age when I met DH 23 years ago. He didn't know I was his dad's girlfriend for a while, he thought I was a friend. We'd go to the park, out for lunch, the cinema etc but I never did any care giving because it wasn't my place.

When DH and I knew we were in it for the long run we arranged it so that I would meet DSS's mum. She had every right to know just who her child was going to be spending his time with. We were never mates but we were civil.

I have never, ever done any real parenting of DSS when he visited, unless it was a dire emergency. He's got 2 parents and I'm not one of them. I don't understand people who are really keen to jump in to the mothering role of other people's children so swiftly. I often sat back and thought how I would feel if someone was doing that with my children, and I knew I would hate it, hence why I didn't do it.

RepentAtLeisure · 19/11/2016 16:40

It could be far, far worse, your ex could have a new GF who is not interested in your little girl and leaves her out, the reality is that she sounds kind and loving, be grateful for that.

Honestly, when a relationship is this brand new it's impossible to know, she may only be making such an effort to impress her new boyfriend. When they are more serious she may even resent apparently being made his daughter's primary care figure when he has her.

MissSynful · 19/11/2016 16:41

yabu. When your dd is with her dad, she is his responsibility. You have no right to know or expect anything. Civil adults will speak to each other as courtesy but that doesnt sound like you or you exdp. Unless you think that your exdp is a danger to your dd there is nothing you can do.

ImNotDancing · 19/11/2016 16:45

if the trust is low then contact should be supervised

Graphista · 19/11/2016 16:46

Out of curiosity

I wonder what respondents own experiences are.

I'm divorced one child. My daughter has a step mother and half siblings no step siblings. My ex is an arse in many ways, he'd have introduced my daughter to her now step mum very early on and not said a word to me! I'm thankful she told him not to be ridiculous! Agreed to meet me first and then she was gradually introduced - first as 'daddy's friend' then gradually more involved.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 19/11/2016 16:49

She has no right to know what her daughter is doing when with her dad? Hmm

FFS! What planet do some posters live on?

Myusernameismyusername · 19/11/2016 16:49

Legally she can doesn't. Morally is different.

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