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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry with nursery

340 replies

Rockingaround · 19/11/2016 10:05

Hi all,
Not sure what to do, I only know that I'm so angry but not sure if I'm overreacting.

DS just turned 4 last weekend. I picked DS from his nursery (within primary school) yesterday. He started in September after being at pre school, his session is 8.45-11.45. His former and current teachers have said he's a really good boy, good at listening and following the rules etc

Anyway, at pick-up he was balling his eyes out, snotty, gasping - in a right state, in all honesty I have never seen him this upset.

One of the nursery staff said " We were making biscuits and none of the children ate a smartie except for DS so Miss X has decided he is not allowed a biscuit because of it".

After DS had calmed down he told me he'd eaten a smartie. They told him he wasn't allowed to eat it but he carried on making his biscuit. Only at the end of the session when they were filling out the biscuits did they say he wasn't allowed to take his home because he'd eaten a smartie. I asked if they'd warned him that would happen if he ate a smartie and he said no.

I couldn't speak to them at that moment as I was so angry, I'm thinking g of writing a letter....? What would you do?

I'm doing his birthday party today but I'll check back in later. Thank you

OP posts:
TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 15:58

I can't teach children to pick and choose what rules are in place.

that should say, I can't teach children to pick and choose which rules to follow

XianLiax · 19/11/2016 15:59

At that age - you do have to be careful with food - as allergies/health conditions may not have become apparent (nuts/additives) - and child is too young to articulate any ethical/religious considerations (gelatine/nestle).

Not eating your cooking/birthday child handouts until you are with your Mum has been drummed in at every nursery/preschool I have worked in.

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2016 15:59

What age group do you teach TeacherBob?

One size doesn't fit all.

Cheby · 19/11/2016 16:02

Comments from some teachers on this thread are really horrible. I can absolutely see why people choose home ed ffs, when faced with this kind of bollocks.

He's 4. If he's in a nursery attached to a school, then he is only just 4. That is still very young and to claim otherwise shows a (wilful?) misunderstanding of childhood development.

Massively harsh punishment. All he's going to learn from that is that sometimes adults (teachers specifically) can be total dicks.

I've hated reading all the comments dismissing this child's feelings simply because it was 'just a biscuit'. What's important to a 4 yo is still important, ffs. Just because you wouldn't value it, doesn't mean a child wouldn't. That biscuit was his hard work for the afternoon; my DD is 3.5 and would be desperate to show us what she had worked on. Eating the biscuit wouldn't be important to her. It's like letting them work on a painting and then throwing it in the bin before they can show it to mum and dad.

grannytomine · 19/11/2016 16:05

TeacherBob, your mature and reasonable response makes me very glad that you never got anywhere near my children.

grannytomine · 19/11/2016 16:08

I wonder who got his biscuit?

grannytomine · 19/11/2016 16:13

Cheby, couldn't agree more.

I remember breaking a rule when I was 7. For some bizarre reason I decided to sneak a boiled sweet out of my pocket in a lesson. My teacher saw me and called me to her desk, she quietly asked me what was in my mouth and I told her. She looked sad, shook her head and quietly said, "That was so silly. Go and sit down." I was mortified, I'd let her down for such a silly reason. I never did it again. Now if she had screamed, shouted and humiliated me I would have thought she was stupid and the rule was stupid and would probably have quite happily tried to do it again.

That was 56 years ago I can remember it so clearly, she made a massive impression without any unpleasantness.

She was a very good teacher.

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 16:14

What age group do you teach TeacherBob?

5-6 atm but over 20 years 0-7 year olds and I specialise in 3-5

Trifleorbust · 19/11/2016 16:15

I do understand that the little boy was very upset to not have his biscuit at the end of the day. I still think he will get over it and I still think what the teacher did will increase his understanding of how to follow instructions, even if he is only 4. It was a slightly harsh lesson, but the way some people are going on it's like they think he was hung, drawn and quartered. 4 is old enough to start to understand "Don't do X". It benefits him in the long run.

heron98 · 19/11/2016 16:15

I think you are overreacting.

He wasn't allowed to take his biscuit home. He'll get over it.

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 16:20

TeacherBob, your mature and reasonable response makes me very glad that you never got anywhere near my children.

Standard mn response.

Luckily the children I teach think I am amazing and the parents do so I am past caring what you think

Mary21 · 19/11/2016 16:27

This was a well behaved child who sounds as if he is usually quite rule bound. His great distress was probibly in part because he was very disappointed in himself.
Too often we see older children who have no respect for rules. They know the rule but do things anyway. Often encouraging others to join them. Knowing there will be no consequence.
This will have been an important life lesson

grannytomine · 19/11/2016 16:32

TeacherBob, with your attitude I'm quite sure you don't care what anyone thinks and I doubt you'd notice unless you got a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. Still, ignorance is bliss.

headinhands · 19/11/2016 16:35

I can't teach children to pick and choose what rules are in place.

At the start of each year we all agree, adults and the kids, on what rules we should have for the nursery and why. It's very much about the children using their own emerging sense of society; 'we shouldn't hit because we feel sad when people hit us' and so on. I wouldn't feel comfortable with the rule 'do whatever adults tell you to do'. If you have the basic rules in place you don't need to 'pull rank'. History has shown us that adults can be horrible. Kids are very good at telling you what they don't like. They don't like shouting. They don't like being humiliated. They don't like being hurt. If a child refuses to tidy at tidy up time we ask them how they friends are feeling when their friends are tidying their nursery while they play. No need to shout.

Trifleorbust · 19/11/2016 16:41

Headinhands: It's great that you have an approach to managing behaviour that you are happy with. It sounds like this nursery has that too, it's just different to yours. There, children are expected to do as adults say. And that is fair enough in my view, as adults are responsible for their education and safety. As a teacher, the last thing I want when the fire alarm goes or when there is a threatening situation developing is to have to ask the children to work out how their refusal to stand up quietly and walk down the stairs is affecting others Confused Sometimes you just need a child to do as they are told, and basic rules are a good training for this.

insancerre · 19/11/2016 16:49

Absolutely agree trifle

Trifleorbust · 19/11/2016 17:10

Water rat: You don't have to send a child to nursery at all, do you? School at 5 is the compulsory part. So it's a bit unreasonable to choose to place the child in nursery and then say they're too young for the long day and shouldn't be punished when they misbehave.

headinhands · 19/11/2016 18:12

I would never be comfortable with a rule that said 'do anything an adult said'.

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 18:13

My children made the rules together and signed up to them. The rules are this non-negotiable. We don't pick and choose what rules we follow

Isitadoubleentendre · 19/11/2016 18:16

His great distress was probibly in part because he was very disappointed in himself.

As a teacher of various age groups I can totally vouch for this - the children who get most upset at whatever consequence is given are almost without exception the ones who are normally well behaved, and its not because they are upset at the consequence, but because they are upset with themselves that they stepped out of line.

The ones with the worst behaviour generally don't really give a monkeys Grin

I do think it was harsh to not let him have the biscuit and i totally would have caved (and I am quite strict generally). But its definitely worth remembering, tlas you embark on 14 years of education, that different teachers vary wildly in their expectations, all of which are well within reason, and that your child will be expected to conform to those different expectations if they are to survive school.

I think you should just suck it up OP.

Inthenick · 19/11/2016 18:18

I think he will cope.

If it was me, I'd back up the teacher although feel a little sorry for him. I'd say 'well, you will no not to eat the smartie the next time when your teacher tells you not to', give him a hug and move on.

You need to teach him resilience and backing him up against his teachers, even if they might have handled it better, will not do him any favours in the future. These are the moments when lessons are learned.

HateMrTumble · 19/11/2016 18:22

Give kids smarties and expect them not to eat them 😂😂I'd have gone mad

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2016 18:23

What age group do you teach TeacherBob? 5-6 atm but over 20 years 0-7 year olds and I specialise in 3-5

Sad

Thanks for your answer. I'm still glad your approach isn't used in my DGC nurseries.

Trifleorbust · 19/11/2016 18:24

Headinhands: Of course not, no-one would make that rule. But 'Follow instructions from staff'? That is not the same thing. Of course we want children to be able to use their common sense to question an instruction when it is dangerous to them, but when you place your child in the care of adults, there is an understanding that those adults command enough of your trust to instruct that child, otherwise why would you put them in that situation? I don't expect to be treated like the enemy by the kids I am responsible for.

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 18:29

Thanks for your answer. I'm still glad your approach isn't used in my DGC nurseries.

The common response when a strong teacher tells a parent they are wrong.

If it is any consolidation for you, you are lucky you weren't a parent in my class. Because if you were you would have to actually admit you were wrong
(Lots of parents over the years have told me they were wrong)

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