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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so angry with nursery

340 replies

Rockingaround · 19/11/2016 10:05

Hi all,
Not sure what to do, I only know that I'm so angry but not sure if I'm overreacting.

DS just turned 4 last weekend. I picked DS from his nursery (within primary school) yesterday. He started in September after being at pre school, his session is 8.45-11.45. His former and current teachers have said he's a really good boy, good at listening and following the rules etc

Anyway, at pick-up he was balling his eyes out, snotty, gasping - in a right state, in all honesty I have never seen him this upset.

One of the nursery staff said " We were making biscuits and none of the children ate a smartie except for DS so Miss X has decided he is not allowed a biscuit because of it".

After DS had calmed down he told me he'd eaten a smartie. They told him he wasn't allowed to eat it but he carried on making his biscuit. Only at the end of the session when they were filling out the biscuits did they say he wasn't allowed to take his home because he'd eaten a smartie. I asked if they'd warned him that would happen if he ate a smartie and he said no.

I couldn't speak to them at that moment as I was so angry, I'm thinking g of writing a letter....? What would you do?

I'm doing his birthday party today but I'll check back in later. Thank you

OP posts:
elodie2000 · 19/11/2016 14:16

I also agree with teacherbob

Also, the child's reaction was totally OTT. Sounds like a child who isn't used to being told 'no'.

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 14:18

It causes the child to suffer unnecessarily, and I'd put money on it not stopping the same thing happening again.

Let us be very clear. It is NOT causing suffering. Children getting upset and crying is not suffering, it is life.

My daughter will often cry and have a tantrum. She is 4. She isn't suffering, she is learning the hard way that crying doesn't get you want and that there are rules to follow.

And I would take that bet with you, because I can tell you from experience that nearly always, it never happens again. And the rest of the class learn from it too.

That said, I run my classroom strictly. I don't let any of the small stuff (like this) go so the bigger stuff doesn't happen. I am in a deprived area with some violent children and that stops fairly quickly.
I am also well known for having the most fun, because children know exactly where they stand so we can relax and do more fun stuff

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2016 14:20

No, a consequence would be taking home a Smartieless biscuit because the child had already eaten the Smartie. Depriving a small child of the biscuit altogether, causing them to become extremely upset, is a punishment. It causes the child to suffer unnecessarily, and I'd put money on it not stopping the same thing happening again.

^^This.

Nursery isn't compulsory. Whilst it should be good preparation for school it should be fun.

I would expect more concern from them at how upset he was.

liz70 · 19/11/2016 14:22

I'm perfectly well aware that children get upset. I have a 17, 16 and 7 year old myself, all of them generally well behaved. I am thankful that no teacher, in nursery/playgroup or primary, has sent any of them on their way sobbing over such a petty matter. And if that happened to my own just turned four year old, in an entirely non compulsory nursery setting, I would seriously consider taking them out of it.

headinhands · 19/11/2016 14:34

OP it's impossible to have this sort of conversation on MN when so many posters are trying to win the title of 'strictest parent' on any thread about this sort of thing.

I'd speak to them and clarify what happened before making a further decision.

petitpois55 · 19/11/2016 14:42

Do you ever say no to your child OP? Perhaps he's not used to it, so he gets upset when he is told off in school. The punishment was hardly over the top,- standard response from most teachers for not following an instruction.
It will do him the world of good to learn early on that are are consequences for choosing to go ahead and do as he pleases.

liz70 · 19/11/2016 14:48

"in school"

It isn't school. It's nursery. The boy had been 4 for six days max. So, barely past three - i.e. still very young and therefore immature.

petitpois55 · 19/11/2016 14:55

nursery is still a formal setting. Perhaps if he's not mature enough to follow simple instructions, he shouldn't be there.

headinhands · 19/11/2016 14:56

I think the absolute first rule of parenting/teaching is to follow through on your punishments. Even if as soon as you've said it, you're thinking 'fuck, that was way too harsh'.

I disagree. I think it's important to demonstrate fallibility to children. If I gave out a harsh punishment and then realised it was so I would explain to the child I had made a mistake and that they had to xyz instead.

Harsh punishments are borne out of frustration and anger. If we took time to think of a suitable consequence, which should be logical, then we wouldn't dish out harsh punishments. It's like shouting. We only shout when we lose control. If we take time to think about what we want the children to learn from a mistake we don't need to shout.

petitpois55 · 19/11/2016 15:00

Reading some of these posts, I absoloutely despair. No wonder we have a growing number of kids with no boundaries, - not to mention incredibly thin skinned parents.

headinhands · 19/11/2016 15:05

nursery is still a formal setting. Perhaps if he's not mature enough to follow simple instructions, he shouldn't be there.

EYFS is about supporting children where they are in their development. Children start nursery at wide ranging levels of ability. So children who haven't mastered the skills necessary for following instructions (Listening and attention, understanding, impulse control to name but a few) should be barred from education??!!

I work in nursery and can imagine quite a few of the kids that might not be able to resist a Smartie. But as I said earlier that's why I'd have an extra pack for us to nibble on. And we'd talk about the colour they chose. And what else is that colour etc.

headinhands · 19/11/2016 15:10

Violent crime is on the decrease. Children are better supported when their values become intrinsic. You don't need harsh punishments. Just a way of supporting their already emerging skills. I think if he'd gone home with a smartieless cookie it was more than enough. If I was in that setting while he was alone I might have quietly drawn his attention to his smartieless cookie after they were cooked and pointed out why we weren't supposed to eat them. I wouldn't have humiliated him.

petitpois55 · 19/11/2016 15:10

You'd have an extra packet of smarties would you head Good luck with that philosophy when they'r in year six and you have to magic up a few extra I pads because some of the kids refuse to share.

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2016 15:26

You'd have an extra packet of smarties would you head Good luck with that philosophy when they'r in year six and you have to magic up a few extra I pads because some of the kids refuse to share.

What bollocks. One does not lead to the other.

And headinhands sounds very similar to the lovely, kind, members of staff at the nurseries my DGC attend. That's exactly the way to treat small children.

DunedinGirl · 19/11/2016 15:30

I would be talking to the nursery teachers about this. This may have been a misunderstanding, or the rules for the task may have simply been geared towards children who were that bit older and more able to impulse control. Either way, I think we owe it to our kids to be their advocates. It doesn't have to be going in guns blazing, and it may well set your mind at rest.

I don't really think kids get taught very much by being shamed and excluded for minor mistakes, except to shame and exclude in their turn.

luckylavender · 19/11/2016 15:31

He's 4. Old enough to understand the rules and the consequences.

insancerre · 19/11/2016 15:37

Girl
The majority of the children will be younger than 4 and they seem to have managed to follow the rules
Ops son will be one of the older children as the older children will only have turned 4 in September and October

GeorgeTheThird · 19/11/2016 15:43

I do think you are overreacting, OP, but I can see how upsetting it would be unexpectedly to see your child so upset. Maybe take a few days to think it over before you decide what to do.

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2016 15:47

Ops son will be one of the older children as the older children will only have turned 4 in September and October

One of my DGD had no language - didn't speak. She had a fabulous time at nursery but didn't cope with all the normal rules. They accommodated her.
Whilst I appreciate she is an extreme example a good nursery does treat them all as individuals as far as possible and age has nothing to do with maturity or understanding.

insancerre · 19/11/2016 15:48

No language rarely means no understanding though

XianLiax · 19/11/2016 15:51

I've not RTFT - but I think this is about the nursery having to be very tight on food restrictions. Some parents wouldn't be happy with their kids eating smarties for whatever reason - and without a consent form to feed the kids sweets, nursery are effectively vouching that the cooking is a practical activity - but that the kids only eat under supervision of parent. One kid having a smartie can end up with all the kids having smarties - so they have to be tough on it.

SmellySphinx · 19/11/2016 15:55

TeacherBob

Punching? Really? We're talking about a crsipy covered chocolate bean, not rules about punching each other

petitpois55 · 19/11/2016 15:56

The nursery was Absoloutly correct. So many precious parents around. How on earth do they cope when there's a real problem.

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 15:58

We are talking about following the rules.

My point being, are we teaching children to follow the rules. Or choose which rules to follow.
In my classroom we follow the rules and that is what is taught. The children are allowed to question whether the rules are right, but they aren't allowed to ignore the rules.

If a child is told what the rule is, and then ignores it, then the consequence has to follow.

I can't teach children to pick and choose what rules are in place.

waterrat · 19/11/2016 15:58

Let's be honest 4 year olds should not be given harsh and heavy punishments while already being pushed to their limits by a long exhausting school day.

In other European countries children are not in school until 6. 4 is a very young kid...he should have been given a minor punishment like 2 minutes time out.

You can't let ever child gave a biscuit then take a kids while biscuit away. It's just so unkind.