To be fucked off with in laws always asking me?!

[NickNacks]

DH owns a mobile phone.

In laws even have his number.

He answers and replies to messages to that number.

However every question is directed at me? What shall we get the dc for Christmas being the latest one. Argh. Ask him! I can't imagine for one second my aunt or brother or mum texting DH to ask our plans for new year. Isn't it sexist? Aibu?

Yanbu, after several calls and numerous texts in one day i told DH to start responding otherwise Id block their numbers.
They never respond to my message anyhow

'Even the most normal husband would have to refer back to wifey if his mother rang him asking what shopkins shit she should get little Emily* for Christmas because quite frankly it would be pretty damn weird if he knew exactly what she had at home'

I think the difference in this is families are different. My husband and I both work so spend the same amount of time with our child. There is no reason why my husband wouldn't no what Shopkins Emily has any more than me. If we were to ask grandparents for anything specific then we'd discuss it but if they're looking for ideas either would just say Brio, Duplo, Peppa Pig and leave them to it.

I know all families are different but it's unfair to assume the dad wouldn't have a clue as clearly lots do.

navy Why if both parents worked equally (as is often the case these days) would it be weird if the dad knew what toys the child had as well as the mum?

navy why would wifey necessarily know more than a dh? Why wouldn't he know what was at home, why would she know what was at home? If we both work why am I keeping more track of toys than dh?

I think YANBU OP - we've just got married but it was just assumed I'd do all the thank you cards - why?!

And it's really not that weird for someone to know what toys they have in their house.

Even the most normal husband would have to refer back to wifey if his mother rang him asking what shopkins shit she should get little Emily for Christmas because quite frankly it would be pretty damn weird if he knew exactly what she had at home*

I'm confident the single working mothers on the thread aren't asking their childminder what to buy the kids for xmas.

I can pretty confidently say that if I were doing my DH's job - or, indeed, my old job - and I were a single parent that yes, I'd be asking the nanny what they wanted for Christmas. And probably asking her to buy it and wrap it as well.

I think a pp has it - all families are different. So are people's circumstances. Sweeping generalisations about what "all" men should do are generally unhelpful.

I eventually said to my Ils "no idea. Ask dh. I am not his secretary" they got the hint.

Posted too soon.

Navy I think you're being goady now.

There's nothing remotely 'weird' about a father knowing what toys their children have. Nothing.

Navy if you and DH would both have to check what toys your child had why is it automatically the woman's job to do it?

navy but why in an equal parent at work relationship shouldn't the man check what toys they already have rather than the woman? Aren't they equal parents?

I get in your family it works best that way but why the assumption from the world at large that that's always the way

NickNacks
'But the point is that dh is as capable of answering the questions as I am.'

If you're both capable it's surely not an unreasonable question to direct to you then is it? It's not quite the same as being expected to take on responsibility for things like sending cards and gifts on his behalf to his side of the family, which isn't fair.

I think it's definitely sexist but a bit of a generational issue. Even when I was working full time and my DH was SAHP my own parents and in-laws would contact me to ask about anything to do with the DC (what they wanted for Xmas, what size they take, how they are doing at school etc) as well as to discuss birthdays for other family members (arrangements to meet up, shared presents, what DH might like) and similar 'family admin'. This was even the case where it related to arrangements to see the DC when I would be at work. Even when DH replied, or I passed them on to DH where appropriate the first contact was always me. On the other hand, when it came to confirming anything that would cost much money (how much we would be contributing to a present, booking a hotel for a family visit etc) they all checked with DH before accepting that this was final. Really annoying and no amount of discussion on the subject has made any difference.

I've complained to DH about this before, so he took control and made sure he was proactive about contacting them to tell them what the kids want.

They ignore him completely and come to me anyway. It's infuriating.

I get in your family it works best that way but why the assumption from the world at large that that's always the way

But look at all the horrified posts saying any man who doesn't know what toys his child has is somehow a neglectful parent? Other side of the same coin....

Basically- I think the answer is that these are the gender norms older people were brought up with. In the same way, they'd probably assume your DH would clear the gutters or check your tyre pressure. Plus - a lot of MILs are keen not to offend their DILs so are possibly asking as a way of showing their deference to them as the mother of their DGC. Either way, I can't see it's something to get exercised about. If you don't like it, just tell them - calmly and politely- that you'd prefer them to ask your DH from now on.

Even the most normal husband would have to refer back to wifey if his mother rang him asking what shopkins shit she should get little Emily* for Christmas because quite frankly it would be pretty damn weird if he knew exactly what she had at home.

Interesting. I didn't know my vagina had magic shopkins-inventory-keeping powers. Must check later.

What you don't seem capable of appreciating, Navy, is that not all families operate like yours and in many families the parenting is equally shared, rendering your suggestion on the first page that men would have to ask their wives what the kids wanted anyway faintly ridiculous for many circumstances.

Either that or you can look at things from another persoecutvand have chosen the GF path instead.

DP does 90% of the communication with his side of the family about present-buying or arrangements, etc. He may ask me stuff but it's mainly to check that I haven't already bought them something for Christmas/birthday which he was planning on suggesting to SIL.

But the main thing which gets my goat is that I seem to have taken on the present flipping Oracle role for my entire family and it drives me nuts. I work full-time, with young children, etc etc. But I do like to invest quite a bit of time in planning and buying Christmas and birthday presents as I hate spending money for the sake of it and I like to know that what I give will be appreciated. I am kind of 'known' in the family for this. But this now means that others seem to think that on top of planning my own present-buying, I can provide some kind of bloody service for everyone else.

This results in:
DM asking me what she can get for the DCs, my DP, DF
DF asking me what he can get for DM
SIL asking me what to get for DP
Everyone in the family asking me what they can get for DCs

My DM, who has always suffered with anxiety, seems as she's getting older to find decision-making even more difficult (and when I say older, I mean middle 60s not in her 90s or something). So even after I have given her suggestions, she will text me while I am at work agonising over the size of a jumper or something as she is standing in front of it in a shop and I am in the middle of a meeting. Over the last few years, she has started to ask me what she can get for my cousins' children, instead of just asking my cousins. That's a bit of a tipping point for me as it's one thing being interrupted at work to be asked about what she can get my own children but another thing when she's repeatedly asking me about my cousin's DCs when their mum doesn't work and probably has more time during the day to respond to things.

Anyway, sorry about that - rant over!

No, because you answer questions clearly framed in the context of situations unlike yours by referring back only to your own situation.

Which led me to think either incapable of looking at things from someone else's perspective, or you're indulging in a spot of goady fuckery.

I didn't say which I thought was more likely, though the only-women-can-check-shopkins suggestion does make one seem more likely....