To be fucked off with in laws always asking me?!

[NickNacks]

DH owns a mobile phone.

In laws even have his number.

He answers and replies to messages to that number.

However every question is directed at me? What shall we get the dc for Christmas being the latest one. Argh. Ask him! I can't imagine for one second my aunt or brother or mum texting DH to ask our plans for new year. Isn't it sexist? Aibu?

It's not a 'terrible thing' for you if you're happy with how things are.

But it's certainly not normal for a man to not know enough about what his children are into to give his parents gift ideas. I think the idea that a man can't be expected to have 'headspace' for anything beyond full time working is not great. But you don't mind so that's fine - for you.

What you are asking, Navy, is 'should a parent be able to hold down a demanding full time job, AND still know their children sufficiently well to know what their interests are?'

I don't think it is what Navy is asking. Her situation in this regard sounds rather like mine. I'm a SAHM and my DH is hugely busy with work, so I do all the Christmas shopping. Fair enough. Of course my DH knows what our children like and what their interests are. So, yes, he could tell everyone who asked that DD1 likes Roald Dahl and DD2 likes Lego. Of course he could. But (at least in our family) people are after a bit of specific guidance so that DD1 doesn't end up with 19 DVDs of James and the Giant Peach and DD2 doesn't get the same Lego set five times. So of course it makes sense to ask the person who you know is coordinating the shopping. If, in the OP's case, that's her DH and not her, then yes, fair enough, tell the inlaws to ask her DH. But I can't see it's something to get massively upset about.

My mil asks dh, he tells her, then she rings me to check he's right . He's always been right in the past, why would he start getting it wrong now? He spends just as much time with dd2 as I do and dd1 is very boring now she's reached the age where she just wants cash/vouchers.

Yes yabu imo. Maybe they ask you as they want to suprise your DH and whilst they are at ir ask about DC. Over thinking it imo.

I'd rather they asked me! My husband says yes to everything they say
My daughter is now getting a toy Pram for Christmas (she already has two and we really don't have space for a third)!

I think the idea that a man can't be expected to have 'headspace' for anything beyond full time working is not great.

But I don't think that's what was said or meant. For example - my DH has been working away in the Far East all week. He's not back home yet. He only managed to speak on the phone to our kids once all week because of the time difference (they're at school) and the one time he did manage it was because he was up specially at 3am to do so. When he gets home he'll be knackered and jet lagged but really thrilled to see them and play with them. He's a fabulous dad. But no - he will not know that I bought the Inside Out DVD for DD2's Christmas stocking on Wednesday nor that I've told my mother that DD1 might like some audiobooks. And I really, really don't think that that makes him an "asshat" (or whatever pejorative term other pp's have used).

DH could tell you a list of ideas for both dcs, he'd struggle a bit more with dc2 as she's pre-school and often what she's asking for is "x like the one [friends name] has" - and as I'm the one who's been on the play date with her, I've a better idea what she's going on about. But he often is the one coming up with ideas for both.

That said, he'd still want to ask me first before replying to MIL as he'd want to check what I've suggested to my parents/sibling.

DH does all the thinking and planning of his family gifts and cards, occasionally he'll ask me to do stuff like pick up a card if I say "I'm going to Sainsbury's, do you want anything adding to the list?" (And he does have a bad habit of assuming wrapping paper will always be available)

I do find the whole woman doing all the gift buying strange, but not as odd as the woman who buy all their DHs clothes like he's another child.

JassyRadlet
I have no idea what kind of nonsense goats indulge in. It may well be GF posts on MN...

Kids today...

But seriously, OP, if they expect you to carry out personal assistant duties, they ought to be paying you a personal assistant's salary.

DP's parents would still phone his EX to ask her stuff like what to get DSS for Xmas, what was he doing in the school holidays etc! I know it drove her mad, and rightly so. They're better at doing things direct with DP now, but of course I as DP-in-residence have now picked up a certain percentage of the calls instead...

Navy. I know. I'm so hard done by. Better order myself an extra special Christmas present to make up for it

I'm at posters whose husbands couldn't pick their kids gifts. Do you not think that's a problem?

Yep, direct them to him.

Mine tried this with me a couple of times, but I keep it firm. "I do not know what DH wants to do/know/think/feel, here's his number! :)" I don't have any involvement with their cards or birthdays (no idea when they even are.)

I don't have any personal contact with them, really. We don't have each other's numbers. They're hundreds of miles away, never call, never write, never visit and I don't really consider them anything to do with me.

I suppose if they lived nearer and visited the kids once in a while, we'd have more of a relationship.

Oh and to the pp who said that he wouldn't know 'Because he's at work'... I'm confident the single working mothers on the thread aren't asking their childminder what to buy the kids for xmas.

I never get this angst over IL asking the mum TBH.

Surely you and DH discuss together what DC woukd like and what to get them? Surely it's just a case of relaying info? You can just say to DH can you chose something from list and tell your parents to get that?

Sometimes it's past experience or what they see in current situations that leads them to asking that person.

My XMIL always asked me because she knew XP kept Ds and I went out on a girly day shopping for Xmas presents. Obviously DP and I discussed what I'd get but I was seen as the gift buyer.

There was a million and 1 things wrong with my X family (which explained him!) - but I didn't see this as one of them.

The OP gave the presents thing as just an example.

This drives me nuts sometimes too. I love my ILs, but my husband goes away for work a lot. He's on 3 so gets free texts and calls abroad, and they both know this as well as what the time differences are, yet it's me who gets "What time is his flight? What flight number? When is he due to land?" I don't know the details, he didn't tell me because all I needed to know was that he'd be back from Heathrow at about 6pm! Ask him yourself!

I also have never engaged with my MIL telling me it's his cousin's girlfriend's birthday or that his aunt needs a mother's day card (cause she's a mother?). I have enough birthdays to remember.

navy and others. If you've decided on one parent sah then fair enough they do the sahp tasks. My issue (and I think the ops issue, but you'd have to check with them) is when both work. Why is that stuff more my responsibility than dh's? We of course devide tasks according to which of us is, better at certain stuff/has more or less time in any given period. But I take serious objection to the idea that something is my 'job' because I have a uterus...

I honestly don't get how families work where things aren't co-ordinated by one person, whether that's mum or dad. Christmas presents for example, surely one of you is 'in charge' else you risk both buying and/or suggesting the same presents to others.

We communicate. Including when family ask for gift ideas via one of us. The idea that only one of us would be capable of answering that question, or could reasonably be expected to answer that question, is what's odd to me.

Of course we sometimes double check what they already have, or that the other person hasn't sorted something. But the difference between us and some posters here is that when DH needs to check what the boys already have, such as with lego or books, he does so directly and doesn't expect me to magically have knowledge unavailable to him (or rather, go and check for him).

JassyRadlett I agree, my DP is more than capable of communicating and finding out stuff. I have never done any "wifework" in nearly 30 years together.

Bloody hell, as people have said its about team work and communication. It wouldn't matter who received the text message in our house, one of us will reply and we consult each other on everything. The times when we haven't discussed have turned into a confusing mess (as pp said, we recommended the same present to two people!)

I am also very proud of the relationship i have with my IL's and DH has with my family, it called positive role modelling for my DS's.