To be fucked off with in laws always asking me?!

[NickNacks]

DH owns a mobile phone.

In laws even have his number.

He answers and replies to messages to that number.

However every question is directed at me? What shall we get the dc for Christmas being the latest one. Argh. Ask him! I can't imagine for one second my aunt or brother or mum texting DH to ask our plans for new year. Isn't it sexist? Aibu?

Navy, I think you're wilfully ignoring the fact that this is merely the latest example of a course of conduct. As a one-off, fine. As a habit, not fine. See for example the reference to asking OP about plans for the new year instead of her husband.

Well, would you acknowledge that OP's attitude is understandable in the context of this being simply the latest example of a long course of conduct?

I've got a dil Jassy. We communicate with each other. I don't automatically ask her though regarding when we are seeing them/coming over etc. If anything I text Ds and dil will text me back. Weird eh.

You know that bit of my post where I said 'clearly taken on that role for herself'? You've just given a really good example of that.

Weird, eh?

So if pils ask the dil what the dc might like for Christmas then they raised a 'numpty'? as I said earlier follow your own advice, families do things differently.

Oh, itsmine. How you delight in misrepresenting! Let me help by bolding the part of my post that sets out exactly what you've just suggested:

Yeah, but we're probably trying to raise our sons not to be numpties, and we wouldn't dream of treating their female partners as the default parents unless they'd clearly taken on that role for themselves.

A single phone call about PJs? Not a drama, you were around when they were seeking the info. You've taken on that role for yourself and have made it clear you're the best person to call? Grand.

Your PIL deciding that because you are a female parent (hope that's more acceptable to your delicate sensibilities than mentioning physical differences between men and women), you are the one they will always call about anything to do with family admin, when you haven't indicated you feel it's your role? Annoying and a bit sexist.

It's all just so specific isn't it. Do you have similar fussy rules for all aspects of family life

Not really, sweetie. Just using your own very specific examples, I thought it might help with that misrepresentation problem you have.

Only one principle, really: do you expect a woman to be the family PA on the basis that she's a woman, rather than because she wants to do it? If so, you're an arse, if not, why are you bothering with this thread?

Navy ...and? I'm not sure what point you're trying to make. You and your DIL talk? That's nice.

How is a MIL meant to know what type of DIL she has unless they have an adult conversation. I have read many threads on how the MIL is overriding the DIL by going to their son as first port of call on decision that the OP see as their realms of expertise, followed by many posts how she is undermining the DIL. A women could have a whole family of DIL with various styles unless she is informed she will piss one off.

Could she try talking to them? I know it sounds radical, but it's worked pretty well on both sides of my family...

Wifework. Where you are also expected to remember, purchase gifts and cards for HIS family's birthdays. If it gets forgotten, it's not his fault either, it's yours. It's irrelevant that he's known them for three decades and you've know them as little as a year maybe. You have that responsibility from... Around 6 months in to the relationship

^^ god yes. awful

Nope, I call lots of people sweetie. Male and female. Sorry about actually confirming that for you.

Not sure why you're struggling with 'if you're happy with your respective roles, fab. But if as a parent in law you assume that the child's mother is in charge of all child-related information and admin and your son, being male, cannot be expected to know any of that, and you continue to only to talk to your DIL about those sorts of issues even if she's previously referred you back to your son, then you are, indeed, unreasonable and a bit of a numpty.'

But do keep wittering about pyjamas. It's entertaining to watch you tie yourself in knots.

That said, if others find 'sweetie' to be gendered and misogynistic - even if I disagree with them on other things and find them to be quite aggressive and antagonistic, as I generally do when interacting with you - then actually I think I should probably think about how I'm using it. So honestly and sincerely, thanks. I'm an immigrant and don't always get the nuance of British usage right, even after many years.

Well at least it was the MIL ( it would annoy me too) but my ds's own father (we are divorced) asked me for a list of what ds wants, this was after I told him for the first time this year, as ds no longer believes in Santa, I would not buy all the presents, wrap them and he pay me back some of his share in drips and draps , he was less than pleased when I suggested he spoke to ds himself about what he wants.

No-one's saying anything different, Navy. The issue is when it's only the mother who gets asked about any of those things because the father's work is assumed to be too important, or it's information which is deemed to be beneath him to assimilate.

Give up, Would. I have. Navy is determined to see anyone who disagrees with her as some kind of difficult, precious PITA.